Aibu to be so, so angry and hurt by DH's decision (long, sorry)

[coodymow]

I am not a regular poster although I am always lurking. However, I am so upset at the moment and I don?t know if I have a right to be or if I am just being emotional and hormonal. I will try and keep this to the point and hope you have the patience to read it.

DH has left me and DD to go on a luxury (once in a life time) all expenses paid trip with his former employers (it was a promotion he qualified for whilst still working for them). The reason I have not gone is because children are not allowed and its couples or singles only. This was not stated whilst the promotion was on-going, in fact the details about the trip were hidden until those that qualified were announced.

DH has spent most days off/weekends and evenings over the last 2 years putting in the legwork to meet the targets for this trip. We have argued so much over the fact he wasn?t spending time with me and dd, and all he used to say was he was doing this for me and dd, for us as a family so that we could have this amazing once in a lifetime holiday etc. etc. A few of his colleagues that qualified have chosen not to go as it?s during term time, no childcare for the kids and also because they didn?t want to leave their kids behind whilst they went on holiday. I told him I wouldn?t go if it meant leaving dd behind, also told him I wouldn?t stop him from going but if he did go it would leave me in no doubt what was more important to him (i.e. not our relationship or family)

DH no longer works for this company and has recently started a job in the middle east which has meant, packing up and storing all of our belongings, renting our lovely house out, me and dd going to live with his parents (challenging, as they can barely be civil to me at times) whilst we wait for him to find us somewhere to live and join him out there in the next few months. I also found out I was pregnant just before he left which has added to the tension around the house as frankly I have felt like shit most of the time and my bullshit threshold was a lot lower than it usually is.

We recently left my in-laws to come stay with my family as it was getting too much and the daily comments were upsetting me so much I used to cry myself to sleep (hormones?). Me and dd are currently living out of suitcase, in my parent?s spare bedroom whilst waiting to join husband in the Middle East. I wasn?t happy but agreed to the move as it was better money and prospects than what he was on here. I also worked part time in a job I loved but had to give that up due to having to move to my parents? house which is another town. All in all the last few months have been very stressful.

I am so, so angry at him I can barely mention his name without bursting into tears (of anger and frustration). I feel like a fucking doormat/mug, aibu unreasonable for not expecting him to go without his family? Am I mug for believing him when he said he was doing this for us? Or am I a just crazed hormonal pregnant woman who isn?t thinking straight? I am so tempted to text him and just tell him what a fucking arse he is for going without us.

cant un derstand why you dont' leave child with your parents if possible and go on trip tbh. Think yabu

Also I don't get why "hormones" (which ones?) are being blamed here for the OP's reaction to unkind and in fact horrible behaviour by her husband.

How would a non-hormonal woman react? I'd have thought exactly the same.

The thing is, when you think about it, that no company would have a holiday as a bonus for working hard for two years.

For one thing, over that period of time there would be a change in staff. If someone's only worked one year, would they qualify?

I have never heard of someone qualifying for a bonus (which is what the trip is) if they've left. When you leave, it's all sorted out then - there's no connection between the firm and the ex employee afterwards. No company would want at debt to previous employees.

Lastly, they wouldn't offer it based on two years' work. It's too long - nobody would be motivated by a treat so far in the future.

I don't believe a word of this, OP. I would feel a phone call to his old company coming on.

Oh God, just read Caribos post. Of course

I disagree with carabos in that I don't think the ILs think the OP's husband has left her. I think there's a disrespect for her which means they are content for their darling son to visit them and not her or her child.

I'm also inclined to agree with carabos.

You don't have to make an absolute final decision now, but I would at least stay in the UK to have your baby.

But I should say -- even if we're wrong, and everything here is totally just as your DH says, he's still being massively unreasonable.

Very, very dodgy and I agree with carabos too.

The fact that he is so detached and uncommunicative is a huge red flag.

Have you seen bank statements? credit card statements? paperwork re the holiday/new job/visa etc? did you read policy documents about the holiday - I have never ever heard of anyone taking one or a bonus after leaving employment. I would also go through all papers, bank account etc.

I would insist on seeing evidence/papers and gain legal advice before making the decision to go out there.

Do you trust him and have you got proof re the holiday, wages etc. I am very suspicious. Sorry.x

Wow - Lots of people creating fairly extreme scenarios here. Many many companies will offer trips as rewards normally for meeting certain targets etc. These don't tend to be the sort of jobs where you are paid an hourly vrate or overtime. Incentives like luxury trips are particularly prevalent in the sales industry. General rule is that partners can come but very rarely kids as it is generally a bit of a knees up. I suspect you and husband were both wrapped up in your new child and it didn't occur to you that the wouldn't be invited or allowed on thr trip. Many people leave their kids with a relative to go on trips like this, in some cases due to childcare some partners don't come, nothing dodgy about it. You should have gone on the trip, it's ten days not a month, your daughter would have been fine with your parents. You chose not to leave your daughter for a few days that that is all, your husband worked hard for the trip which you could have benfited from, I think he did absolutely the right thing in going.

But londonone usually in jobs one tends to lose incentives and bonuses when one leaves the position and moves to a different company or whatever. I've never in my life continued to receive bonuses from a company after I left. I got a goodbye bonus and counter offers but never ever a bonus after I had left.

I think fuzzywuzzy and nyac have a valid point - once your in the ME you could be in a very dodgy position with regards to the children/custody etc. I would think extremely carefully before committing to this move!

Hmm yes now second coffee has kicked in it does sound odd to benefit from this holiday after leaving the job and presumably some time ago ? Agree time for a phone call to old company or some form of checking up

I think carabos might be right. Not necessarily about the IL's intentions (it is common in Asian cultures to support the parents) but about the fact that he has woven a massive web of lies:

Employees don't sort out their own visa for a foreign move.
Companies don't send ex-employees on holidays.
Any man who chooses to not see his wife and child on a rare visit home is not worth keeping.
I also think that he may be trying to extricate himself from your marriage by stealth. I also think that you need to do some digging and find out where you stand financially, and what his finances are.

Get those tenants out and move back into your house.
If you end up separated (which you may already unwittingly be) you can claim some benefits to help you until you are working again.

Tell your parents. They sound supportive, and they will help you.
Keep us posted, OK?

For all those saying Op should have gone on the trip, its a personal choice. I wouldn't leave my DCs and go abroad unless Scotland counts, the oldest is 10 because I would not enjoy myself. My 3 year old would be miserable.

So he's already been working in the middle east for a couple of months, meanwhile you've had to give your job and lovely home to move in with his parents (then yours) while he looks for a home for you. Sorry, I just don't understand this - if he's been there a couple of months already why hasn't he found somewhere for you to live so you can go out to join him? Why did you have to move in with his parents almost immediately that he found the job?

I think you ABU (a little) about the holiday - if he says he didn't realise families weren't involved at the start it's hardly his fault. Better that he takes the holiday than you both lose out, although I can understand you being miffed.

However, I would be more worried about giving up everything and moving to the ME where life is more restrictive for women. How long will you be out there?

Good luck with the pregnancy. Hope you sort things out.

I've worked for several firms that offer holiday incentives to employees, but in all those years have never come across a firm that a) keeps the details of the incentive secret or hidden and b) offers it to ex-employees.

I've also yet to come across someone who would work so hard for an incentive about which the detail is unknown, or would regard a 10-day holiday as a worthwhile exchange for 2 years unpaid overtime and not seeing his partner and child very often as a result.

So in short, he is lying.

It seems too ridiculous to acknowledge an alternative scenario, but what's in the open domain is bad enough and it's yet again depressing that so many other posters have tried to persuade the OP that it's her fault for not going on the trip, that she is hormonal and unreasonable and that her emotionally and physically absent husband is entitled to a reward.

I'd put your logical head on OP and start doing some checking behind the scenes. As a feminist, no contract in the world would ever persuade me to move to the ME but to do so in this situation would be suicidal.

Hatty, ESPECIALLY if the holiday has to be with his colleagues rather than his family.

And yes, many companies offer holiday incentives, but surely incentives have to be pretty short term, to heighten motivation? If it's two years off, a lot of people would slack off for a bit thinking they had plenty of time.

And me too re living there. No bloody way.

tbh I wouldn't necessarily see my family on a one-night stopover - how far away is the airport? You all do know you have to check in several hours before the flight also?

He had time to see his parents, though.

Yes, Aribura, we're all aware how airports work

This man clearly couldn't be arsed

Oh dear. I agree with carabos. Sorry OP.

Whatever the outcome, you really shouldn't go to the ME when your relationship is this rocky. It takes a very strong family unit to prosper in such a different culture, and your DH is definitely not communicating properly with you.