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Original poster

Aibu to be so, so angry and hurt by DH's decision (long, sorry)

242 replies

coodymow · 27/04/2012 23:52

I am not a regular poster although I am always lurking. However, I am so upset at the moment and I don?t know if I have a right to be or if I am just being emotional and hormonal. I will try and keep this to the point and hope you have the patience to read it.

DH has left me and DD to go on a luxury (once in a life time) all expenses paid trip with his former employers (it was a promotion he qualified for whilst still working for them). The reason I have not gone is because children are not allowed and its couples or singles only. This was not stated whilst the promotion was on-going, in fact the details about the trip were hidden until those that qualified were announced.

DH has spent most days off/weekends and evenings over the last 2 years putting in the legwork to meet the targets for this trip. We have argued so much over the fact he wasn?t spending time with me and dd, and all he used to say was he was doing this for me and dd, for us as a family so that we could have this amazing once in a lifetime holiday etc. etc. A few of his colleagues that qualified have chosen not to go as it?s during term time, no childcare for the kids and also because they didn?t want to leave their kids behind whilst they went on holiday. I told him I wouldn?t go if it meant leaving dd behind, also told him I wouldn?t stop him from going but if he did go it would leave me in no doubt what was more important to him (i.e. not our relationship or family)

DH no longer works for this company and has recently started a job in the middle east which has meant, packing up and storing all of our belongings, renting our lovely house out, me and dd going to live with his parents (challenging, as they can barely be civil to me at times) whilst we wait for him to find us somewhere to live and join him out there in the next few months. I also found out I was pregnant just before he left which has added to the tension around the house as frankly I have felt like shit most of the time and my bullshit threshold was a lot lower than it usually is.

We recently left my in-laws to come stay with my family as it was getting too much and the daily comments were upsetting me so much I used to cry myself to sleep (hormones?). Me and dd are currently living out of suitcase, in my parent?s spare bedroom whilst waiting to join husband in the Middle East. I wasn?t happy but agreed to the move as it was better money and prospects than what he was on here. I also worked part time in a job I loved but had to give that up due to having to move to my parents? house which is another town. All in all the last few months have been very stressful.

I am so, so angry at him I can barely mention his name without bursting into tears (of anger and frustration). I feel like a fucking doormat/mug, aibu unreasonable for not expecting him to go without his family? Am I mug for believing him when he said he was doing this for us? Or am I a just crazed hormonal pregnant woman who isn?t thinking straight? I am so tempted to text him and just tell him what a fucking arse he is for going without us.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 28/04/2012 23:52

Good point, Math. He's not necessarily buying a house for his parents, but has used it to borrow money against to fund something else. Curiouser and curiouser...

defuse · 28/04/2012 23:55

Coodymow, may i ask...are you also asian? Sorry if i missed it in the thread, didnt read it all.

dreamingbohemian · 28/04/2012 23:59

tread I agree they need to talk, but i don't think she should go to the ME to do it. He might be able to keep her from leaving with the DC if she wants to, and she would have absolutely no support there if anything goes wrong.

If he can manage the time and money to get back to the UK to go on a holiday, he should be able to make the time to come see her and talk about their future.

marfisa · 29/04/2012 00:02

OP, I'm so glad you're not going to move to the ME straight away, at least not until after the baby is born.

I disagree with virtually everything Mayisout has said. The issue isn't just whether moving to the ME is a good idea; it's about how your DH is treating you - refusing to talk, refusing to visit, etc.

To me you sound quite brave.

treadwarily · 29/04/2012 00:10

dreaming yes, that would be ideal. But if he's just moved for the company they probably won't want him returning to UK for holiday just yet. Maybe she could go on a return ticket saying she wants to do pregnancy-related things back in UK, just so she has an out and also a chance to try out the new life.

dreamingbohemian · 29/04/2012 00:15

Tread -- the DH is on a holiday right now.

If he can take the time to go on holiday with his work mates, you'd think he'd find a way to see his wife and work things out.

marfisa · 29/04/2012 00:22

Also, a man who is enjoying a "once in a lifetime" holiday while his pregnant wife and toddler are living out of a suitcase should be expressing profuse gratitude to her for her generosity. Not finding reasons not to see her.

He says he is doing everything for you, OP, but has he asked you what you want? Or is he deciding on his own what's best for you?

Original poster
coodymow · 29/04/2012 00:51

Couldn't sleep. I just noticed my last few posts were all bullet points like some kind of report (funny the crap you notice) Anyway:

His parents house is their house, has always been their house. H lived there prior to us getting married, we lived there for almost a year after marraige whilst we were house hunting, him supporting his parents is not a big issue to me as it is quite common in Asian families to do so. He borrowed money on his parents house to set up a business (many years ago) which although flourishing and successful for a few years, didn't pan out quite as well in recent years and he has had to close the business going from self employed to being an employee.

I am also Asian. I know it sounds completely the wrong way around but compared to some Asian MIL's mine is a pussycat, it just comes as part of the territory and you pick your battles.

This job in the ME is new project which will involve quite a bit of travelling and such in the next 6 months to set the whole thing up. So if I was to go there I would be pretty much on my own most days and he wouldn't be home until late.

I am still veering from feeling a bit switched off to being very tearful, which is why I initially thought it might be my hormones.

He has always been able to compartmentalise really well, llike we would have an arguement and I would stay up brooding all night and he would go to sleep. Wake up the next morning and be really surprised that I hadn't slept or that I was still upset about it.

He hasn't been in contact since last night, which I am not surprised about. I don't expect him to be. Right now, I honestly don't feel any the clearer or more decisive about what I will do long term as right now getting through the day without crying my eyes out is kind of difficult. My toddler keeps looking at me strangely and giving me cuddles so I need to pull my shit together and just get on with the day to day business. Like I said many times, he knows where I am, if he wants to see me or talk , he will come to me.

I haven't told my parents yet because they would go bonkers and as much as I love them and know that they would only be angry because they love me I can't quite deal with their reaction to all of this right now.

I don't know if I said thanks yet to all of you who have replied with suggestions and support (is that a MNetty thing to do?) but yes, thank you.

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 29/04/2012 00:53

Part of me thinks you are a little U for not leaving your DD and going on the holiday - when I initially read the post I assumed she was a baby, not a 3 year old. Why should he miss out on the holiday just because you wouldn't leave your child behind (you didn't indicate that childcare was an issue).

Original poster
coodymow · 29/04/2012 01:11

@foreverondiet: I coukdnt leave dd with IL's as she hasn't stayed there overnight ever without us. The house move has been particularly difficult for her, she has gobe from her own bedroom, her own surroundi.gs to my IL My own family live in another town and although dd is more comfortable around them I couldn't leave her for 10 days woth grandparents she only sees once maybe twice a month- again no overnight stays without me and H.

OP posts:
Original poster
coodymow · 29/04/2012 01:16

Sorry on phone, posted before finishibg. I meant to say that: My dd has gone from her own room, toys and space to the both of us in a single back bedroom with a dad that was there one minute and gone the next. We did try and prepare her, talk to her, show her our new room etc beforehand, however she is not yet 3 and there is only so much ( if any of it) that she will understand. I couldn't just leave her as well.

OP posts:
geekette · 29/04/2012 01:17

First time for everything Hmm? I don't know it just seems like you and your DH always have excuses reasons why things aren't possible or why things have to be done a certain way. To me, you are both doing the same things to each other but on different targets...

dreamingbohemian · 29/04/2012 01:17

I don't think you have to justify not leaving your DD. I think a lot of people would not feel right leaving a toddler for 10 days, especially to go transatlantic.

FWIW I wouldn't do it even though my ILs take care of DS 2 days a week. A long weekend, yes, but not 10 days. I've had to go away for work for that long but DS stayed with DH and I skyped with him every day.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2012 02:41

Ten days is a lot for grandparents to take on. Toddlers are demanding and non-stop even at the best of times.

Coodymow, sit down with your parents. Don't put it off. They are no doubt forming their own conclusions about your H seeing his parents but not you or DD. They see you crying and miserable. They see your house rented out and they know you left the ILs in order to stay with them. You need to ask their advice about all of this, and when you tell them, tell them what you need in terms of a response from them.

carernotasaint · 29/04/2012 02:44

math is right. It could be your parents are also imagining all sorts is going on. Parents are like that sometimes (my mum certainly is)

treadwarily · 29/04/2012 03:38

dreaming yes I know (I read thread, too) , which is precisely why he probably won't be able to take another holiday soon.

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 08:54

The thing that says everything about your marriage is that your husband, who lives abroad and hasn't seen you or his daughter in months, will be spending two nights in the UK and won't see either of you while he's here.

The other telling thing is that he left the country indefinitely after making you and his daughter effectively homeless.

I'm not sure those are circumstances that talking can ameliorate.

You, your daughter, and you marriage are just not important to this man.

chandellina · 29/04/2012 12:45

I can see the unfairness of the situation but it also seems like you knew what you signed on for with your husband.

I would have gone on the holiday, my son spent a happy 10 days with my in laws when he was just three and we moved house. Of course it's a personal decision and depends on the child though.

On the ME it isn't clear if you were part of the decision making. It's not unusual that families are put in this situation, what matters is if your husband has failed to take your feelings into account or broken commitments to stay in the UK.

ImperialBlether · 29/04/2012 13:29

Presumably your three year old had spent time alone with your in laws, chandellina, prior to staying with them for 10 days?

Mayisout · 29/04/2012 14:48

Can't understand others suggesting OP waits until after the baby to go to ME.

If OP is just pg that could be 9 months --- cooped up in DM's spare room!
Then, naturally, she won't want to move to a strange place with a DD AND a baby. So you're talking a year, by then DD will be settled into nursery, or whatever and OP won't want to move her..... and so it goes on.

Being stuck with DPs (being waited on hand and foot and with permanent baby-sitting facility) sounds pretty good to me (in the short term).

ImperialBlether · 29/04/2012 15:05

What are you suggesting, May? You say on the one hand she'll be cooped up in her mum's spare room, then you say she'll be waited on hand and foot by her parents.

Mayisout · 29/04/2012 15:15

Then I say '(in the short term)'.

Dozer · 29/04/2012 15:36

It migh be good for this thread to be moved to relationships section, to avoid AIBU-type responses (read the whole thread people!)

OP, if your parents are likely to add to the stress, are there friends or family who could listen / help? Eg siblings, cousins, your female friends?

LemonTurd · 29/04/2012 16:00

Agreed, Dozer. I was about to post the same thing!

The responses from people who've clearly not read entire thread are not at all helpful to OP.

siilk · 29/04/2012 16:27

I just typed a big message but computer ate it! Basically as someone who lived in Kuwait for years and years. Be very careful. The glossiness is only very thin and once past the shopping and food, there is not much. I will also say that Kuwait is unfortunately very racist and as an Asian you may have issues. I know friends of mine who were south African had some fairly interesting experiences.
You need a good supportive structure around you to last there if you are at all unsure life will be hard. Especially if you are not working. Another issue is the visa process does not sound right. I know plenty of families who went out together. Your Dh gets his visa then he can sponsor you and you Dc. Most company's organise this or at least facilitate it. Sorry but just sounds not right.