Aibu to be so, so angry and hurt by DH's decision (long, sorry)

[coodymow]

I am not a regular poster although I am always lurking. However, I am so upset at the moment and I don?t know if I have a right to be or if I am just being emotional and hormonal. I will try and keep this to the point and hope you have the patience to read it.

DH has left me and DD to go on a luxury (once in a life time) all expenses paid trip with his former employers (it was a promotion he qualified for whilst still working for them). The reason I have not gone is because children are not allowed and its couples or singles only. This was not stated whilst the promotion was on-going, in fact the details about the trip were hidden until those that qualified were announced.

DH has spent most days off/weekends and evenings over the last 2 years putting in the legwork to meet the targets for this trip. We have argued so much over the fact he wasn?t spending time with me and dd, and all he used to say was he was doing this for me and dd, for us as a family so that we could have this amazing once in a lifetime holiday etc. etc. A few of his colleagues that qualified have chosen not to go as it?s during term time, no childcare for the kids and also because they didn?t want to leave their kids behind whilst they went on holiday. I told him I wouldn?t go if it meant leaving dd behind, also told him I wouldn?t stop him from going but if he did go it would leave me in no doubt what was more important to him (i.e. not our relationship or family)

DH no longer works for this company and has recently started a job in the middle east which has meant, packing up and storing all of our belongings, renting our lovely house out, me and dd going to live with his parents (challenging, as they can barely be civil to me at times) whilst we wait for him to find us somewhere to live and join him out there in the next few months. I also found out I was pregnant just before he left which has added to the tension around the house as frankly I have felt like shit most of the time and my bullshit threshold was a lot lower than it usually is.

We recently left my in-laws to come stay with my family as it was getting too much and the daily comments were upsetting me so much I used to cry myself to sleep (hormones?). Me and dd are currently living out of suitcase, in my parent?s spare bedroom whilst waiting to join husband in the Middle East. I wasn?t happy but agreed to the move as it was better money and prospects than what he was on here. I also worked part time in a job I loved but had to give that up due to having to move to my parents? house which is another town. All in all the last few months have been very stressful.

I am so, so angry at him I can barely mention his name without bursting into tears (of anger and frustration). I feel like a fucking doormat/mug, aibu unreasonable for not expecting him to go without his family? Am I mug for believing him when he said he was doing this for us? Or am I a just crazed hormonal pregnant woman who isn?t thinking straight? I am so tempted to text him and just tell him what a fucking arse he is for going without us.

Far, far better to do the talking in Britain when he is back. Ambush him if necessary when he is here.

Not sure where your DH's family come from but the tradition of caring for elderly parents is probably not something you can change (just never agree to them moving in with you).

If you have a son you wil possibly be raised in their esteem and be their most beloved DD.

This website is useful for expat info

britishexpats.com/

In the ME home help can be v cheap so perhaps you can work (but will need company to sponsor you). So life could be interesting. Also need to check out availability of schools when househunting. But the website above can help.

The ME might be worth it if you can save some money and set yourselves up for the future.

The ME is a fur-lined mousetrap.

Sorry but it sounds fishy to me.
When DH won a luxury trip to Marrakesh, he lost the right to go when he left the company. I find it odd your DH could still go on the trip.

Also companies usually make it very easy for families to accompany to he ME.

Personally I wouldn't have planned to go to the ME, but that is my vocally stated choice ( I would follow him to a lot of places, but there are a few I wouldn't and he knows this).

Coody,

it sounds like there are a lot of things going on. Congratulations on your new baby first of all!

Second, I know you resent the time he has spent at work and hasn't been with his family. He genuinely thought it was for all of you, so I personally don't think its fair to hold it against him going. What I would be mad at is that he didn't visit on his stop over. If he was worried about upsetting your daughter, which makes sense to me, he could have come when she was sleeping at least.

Thirdly, my parents and two of my siblings live in the ME, right now its Saudi, but they have lived in Bahrain, and Dubai also. The life they lead is so much better than the one they could leave here. My family joined the country club. They were really unsure at first because they'd be like the ex-pats you see on tv, but it wasn't like that. They've made friends and mom said it was lovely to be with people who understood things about England without it needing to be explained.

I do think your hormones may be playing a part, but not enough for you to keep blaming them. You have valid reasons to feel the way you do.

Also, finally, I dont know if this has already been answered whilst I've types this mammoth reply on my phone, but, why are you financially responsible for his parents?

A very unmumsnetty hug for you x

That all sounds like a great big pile of steaming bullshit and bell would freeze over before I got on a plane to the ME with this man.

Take some control, you clearly cannot rely on him so stop expecting anything more from him, he has told you who he is, believe him.

Whilst I wouldn't be happy being left alone, I would be thrilled for my partner that he was able to have a wonderful holiday. Stop being so selfish.

OP you sound hormonal and your DH sounds like he's unpleasant, not realising the the not inconsiderable stress you're under. You are about to have a baby and are living with the PiL, out of a suitcase. He knows that and should be a little more understanding. He should be putting yours and his daughter's welfare a little higher on his priority list.

That he's not would be waving red flags to me.

Have you been to visit him out there?

I'd just like to add that the ME on its own would not be a bad move for you to make, I live in a ME country not far from Kuwait aftwr moving over from UK a few years ago. DH moved over and I joined 6 months later after waiting to have DD in the UK. In that 6 months DH supported 2 households AND still managed to pay off all our (not insubstantial) debt so from a financial point of view it could solve your problems very quickly. I find that it is a good life for young families as well.

However the relationship issues do mean that you shouldn't rush out here blindly. I'd wait and at least have the baby at home first. When you're used to the NHS it's not easyto get your head around a private health insurance system! And your OH's company should be sorting out the paperwork for you.

If you would like to chat about the practicalities of life out here you let me know.

I would have left dd with my parents, and gone with him.

So many issues here OP as others have said. To me they are:
1.That the holiday is with his former employer - I don't get that he would be allowed to take that trip if he doesn't work for them now. I don't believe that and think he's gone along under his own steam.

1. That your visa and paperwork is to be sorted out by him when he gets back from the holiday. His visa is already sorted. Given that this stuff is inevitably done by the company, and therefore all of you would be done together, I would be wondering whether there is any intention to take you and DD with him.

1. That he came for a stopover and didn't see you and DD . Sorry but that's the point at which, to quote Dragon's Den, I'd have said "I'm out".

I think he's on holiday with his mates, which he is paying for out of money earned from working extra hours. I think the reason he didn't visit on the stopover is because his parents think you're separated. I think the reason you don't have your paperwork is because you're not going. I think the reason he pays the mortgage on his parents house is to keep it out of your hands and I think the reason you now find yourself living with your parents and your own home is rented out is because that's exactly where he wants you.

Do nothing, no texts, no calls until he gets back. In the meantime, get some legal advice because I think you're about to discover that you're high and dry.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

I'm sorry but i think carabos is spot on :( I would be very VERY careful about taking your DD to the ME with this man - material loss, ah well, but you risk losing your DD and unborn child - you are being manipulated at ever turn. You need legal advice as soon as possible.

The holiday is irrelevant other than highlighting his total disptect for you - the visas and strange arrangement with his mortgage on his parents property (your property) are huge red flags - i think at best he is planning on dumping you, at worst? Just don't go abroad with this man!!!!

When in doubt, look at the behaviour, not the words. Is his behaviour that of a loving husband and father?

*If I'd worked 4/5 evenings out of 7 and one day during the weekend for two years you can bet your bottom dollar I'd want more than a 10 day holiday for it.
So he did all that work yet didn't even know the details of what he was working for - like no children?
He doesn't come to see you and dd because only a few hours may upset her?

Sorry, but he's not being honest with you. Warning bells.*

This ^

Why doesn't bold work?

What I'm saying OP is that 2 years of missing evenings and weekend during those special years, then not seeing you on the stopovers, then enjoying a 10 day holiday on his own... I am going to be brutally frank here.

Either he has met someone or he doesn't care about you much. He is living like a bachelor, with you and DD as an afterthought.

It's all very well people telling you to get a life but you have toddler and a baby on the way and are about to live in a foreign country where you will no nobody.

Not much of a trade off for your spouse having a good salary really.Why can't his parents get housing benefit? why is he paying their mortgage when he has a young family to support on one wage?

excuse bad grammar "know nobody" not no nobody.

Him paying for his parents house isn't dodgy or him setting her up, it IS a cultural expectation (rightly or wrongly) my sil and bil pay for my mil/fil house and they all live there, the expectation is that the parents pay for their children's education and get supported in return and they all live together. So actually the fact that you had a separate home is the unusual part as I assume you were originally supposed to move in with them?

However my DH made the choice (as I am not Asian) that we wouldn't be following that path, his parents lovingly accepted it.

So laying that fact aside as you agreed to it before you married and it's not something that you can really change now don't let your head get into a big muddle of cheating/distrust etc without the facts.

To me he sounds like he is being arrogant and highhanded and assuming you will fit with his life, his choices and if you argue you are a nag and he doesn't need to listen as he has the right to decide the families future. Texting, getting in a tail spin and building up resentment won't help as it just proves his point (reinforced no doubt by his pampering mother to whom no woman should challenge the golden boy yes?)

Use this time to think through what YOU want from your families future, what would make ALL of you comfortable and happy then calmly, maturely discuss it with him, you have to ask him to meet you on the stopover on the way back. Don't let yourself be talked around, stay firm and reasoned and if he genuinely doesn't give you the respect that you deserve then you need to have a long think about your future together.

Oh and remind him in Islam it's supposed to go "Allah", "wife" "everyone else" in terms of respect, anything else is his culture not his religion and which one should he be choosing? or at least thats what DH told me.

I'm not often this blunt (although can be very blunt) but

don't move abroad with him OP. Just don't. I've done it with someone who loves and cares and it's been hard enough. This man doesn't give a shit and will leave you completely isolated with two young children and no job, friends, support network.

I like Bochead's post.

• Don't think you're an idiot; you're clearly not. You've just been through a few very stressful months, and your DH is not even in the same country as you, which means it's very difficult to sort things out.

• Please talk to your parents and anyone else who can give you advice and support. You've moved and given up your job and you are parenting one child on your own with another on the way. You need support!

• You and your DH HAVE to communicate. His refusing to talk is just not on. This may have to wait till he comes back to the UK (though personally I wouldn't be able to wait; I would be insisting he phone me). But a relationship where you aren't able to express your concerns, and talk through huge issues like WHAT COUNTRY you are going to live in, is a pretty shit relationship. Use counselling if you have to! And if your DH refuses to go, go on your own. Relate see people on their own as well as in couples.

Good luck!

Well I have watched things unfold many times on here now so I wont condemn carabos' post out of hand , I just hope its way off the mark

Did he try and persuade you to join him on this holiday , try and reassure you that DD would be fine for 10 days and how it would be an opportunity for you two as a couple to have some quality time together ? Given that you say so much time had been sacrificed for this I think I would have gone without too many qualms

As an aside ime certain kinds of men love working for a whole variety of reasons and when called on it will use the "I'm doing it for us" because they dont want to say I am a workaholic etc. It could be argued why shouldnt it be ok although to me that is not compatible with having DC .

I know nothing much about his culture , were you aware of how heavy an influence priority for his parents would be ? Presumably as he was in line for an arranged marriage you had some idea of what you were getting into ?

I would not under any circumstances move to a middle eastern country if my marriage wasn't a hundred percent or my husband was not a hundred percent supportive of me.

He will automatically get custody of both your children and if you attempt to leave the country with the children after instigating seperation or threatening seperation then you'll be arrested and your children will be taken from you and handed to your husband, you'd end up in prison.

I would work out what my legal position is here in the UK and I would also try and work out what's actually going on. I'd also tell my parents and if they think him an arse for the rest of your marriage so be it, you need the support.

Maybe you can suggest to your husband that you stay behind till baby is safely born in the UK where you are familiar with the health system and you move out to be with him thereafter, in the meantime you move back in your family house and resume life.

I hope carabos is wrong but I'm inclined to agree with her.

I'm sorry WTF?

He works like a twat for two years, at the detriment to you and family as he barely sees you for a holiday?

I don't care if the holiday is in an 8* hotel made out of pure gold with butlers to wipe your arse...crazy, crazy priorities.

It just sounds so odd, someone working their arse off for two years to qualify for a 10 day holiday, however "luxurious" it was purported to be.
Why would anyone do that? Maybe he felt he had to go to make some sort of sense of the waste of all that time?

Yes going to the Middle East with him would put your children in danger of losing their mother. Don't do it.

He's not acting like a husband to you at the moment.

Reading carabos' post was like a light going on.

I wonder why your family has no money, if he's working that hard. I wonder whether he was actually working or whether he's got a girlfriend.

I think you would be absolutely crazy to go to the Middle East with this man.

Do you share bank accounts? Can you see his wages going into the bank account? Does he have credit cards - if so can you see the statements?