Aibu to be so, so angry and hurt by DH's decision (long, sorry)

[coodymow]

I am not a regular poster although I am always lurking. However, I am so upset at the moment and I don?t know if I have a right to be or if I am just being emotional and hormonal. I will try and keep this to the point and hope you have the patience to read it.

DH has left me and DD to go on a luxury (once in a life time) all expenses paid trip with his former employers (it was a promotion he qualified for whilst still working for them). The reason I have not gone is because children are not allowed and its couples or singles only. This was not stated whilst the promotion was on-going, in fact the details about the trip were hidden until those that qualified were announced.

DH has spent most days off/weekends and evenings over the last 2 years putting in the legwork to meet the targets for this trip. We have argued so much over the fact he wasn?t spending time with me and dd, and all he used to say was he was doing this for me and dd, for us as a family so that we could have this amazing once in a lifetime holiday etc. etc. A few of his colleagues that qualified have chosen not to go as it?s during term time, no childcare for the kids and also because they didn?t want to leave their kids behind whilst they went on holiday. I told him I wouldn?t go if it meant leaving dd behind, also told him I wouldn?t stop him from going but if he did go it would leave me in no doubt what was more important to him (i.e. not our relationship or family)

DH no longer works for this company and has recently started a job in the middle east which has meant, packing up and storing all of our belongings, renting our lovely house out, me and dd going to live with his parents (challenging, as they can barely be civil to me at times) whilst we wait for him to find us somewhere to live and join him out there in the next few months. I also found out I was pregnant just before he left which has added to the tension around the house as frankly I have felt like shit most of the time and my bullshit threshold was a lot lower than it usually is.

We recently left my in-laws to come stay with my family as it was getting too much and the daily comments were upsetting me so much I used to cry myself to sleep (hormones?). Me and dd are currently living out of suitcase, in my parent?s spare bedroom whilst waiting to join husband in the Middle East. I wasn?t happy but agreed to the move as it was better money and prospects than what he was on here. I also worked part time in a job I loved but had to give that up due to having to move to my parents? house which is another town. All in all the last few months have been very stressful.

I am so, so angry at him I can barely mention his name without bursting into tears (of anger and frustration). I feel like a fucking doormat/mug, aibu unreasonable for not expecting him to go without his family? Am I mug for believing him when he said he was doing this for us? Or am I a just crazed hormonal pregnant woman who isn?t thinking straight? I am so tempted to text him and just tell him what a fucking arse he is for going without us.

Actually - that's probably what I would do, what you probably should do is text him back and say 'When you get back to the UK we need to talk, tell your parents you wont be going there and meet me somewhere else so we can talk properly'.

Don't feel like an idiot. You've been trusting your DH, that's actually what you're supposed to be able to do. But now he's really acting like an arse and you need to rethink things.

I think the priorities here are all wrong. If he can't afford two mortgages then his parents should sell up and downsize, you shouldn't have to go to Kuwait just to please people who can't even be decent to you.

I think once you are in Kuwait you would find it very hard to leave with your children if he didn't want you to. I don't think you should put yourself in that position.

Big hugs x

What are your parents like?

Was there a cash alternative to this holiday OP?

I'm for you. It does sound like your DH has his priorities totally wrong here.

By the way, I think his explanation is plausible so whether he's a cheat would be for me, a seperate issue. However, he's being extraordinarily selfish and putting his family - you and the children - so low on his list of priorities that that would be a deal breaker for me on its own.

OP you say there are pics on fb. Have you looked at them closely to see if there are any kids in them cos i think the "no kids allowed on the holiday" is bullshit too.

How long is the tennancy on your house? (when could you move back in??)

I don't have a lot of respect for the cultural obligation to look after his parents and the law wont either.

Apparently the company are sorting out something to do with the olympics for the people that qualified to go but didnt/couldn't.

My parents are cool, but I haven't told them any of this, as I just thought what if me and and the h makeup and then my parents are left feeling resentful that he didn't treat me right. My mum and his mum don't get along but thats mainly because of all the hoo ha surrounding our wedding. I don't think texting him back is going to help, once he switches off to me, he switches off, he's like that in arguments, he will walk away if it hets too heated or say he doesn't wish to talk about it anymore.

x-post

I think it would be a really good idea to get a clear picture in your head of what YOU want and what's best for you and your children.

THEN you can talk to him and try to work something out.

If you don't really know what you want and what's fair, then talking to him is just going to end up with him getting what he wants, which frankly doesn't sound like it's been really all that good for you.

Definitely re-do all the maths on his salary and all the various living expenses.

Don't forget to include insurance, I mean if you stay in the UK the baby will cost nothing on the NHS, I'd imagine the insurance on taking a pregnant woman to the ME will be quite a lot?

Yeah looked at the photos on fb closely, studied timelines etc nothing to indicate any kids are there.

House is rented out initially for 6 months.

I think you should talk to your parents. Its not right that your in laws should treat you like shit and get away with it plus you need the support.Oh so its ok for him to walk off and refuse to talk is it? This is beginning to sound like emotional abuse to me.

And how would he react if you decided to walk away from him while he is talking to you and say you dont want to talk about it anymore?

I think I am going to try and get some sleep as my dd will be up in 4 hrs and she doesn't care how many hours sleep I've had as long as I am up and ready to go downstairs by half 6! - thank you for all your replies and help, I will update as soon as I have news/decisions, good or bad.

OK Coodymow Goodnight Take care xx

Sleep tight x

I hope you get some sleep.

Come back & chat more if you want to - you don't have to wait until you have made a decision or have news.

I understand what you mean about not having told your parents yet - I wouldn't have either (for the same reasons as you), I just meant would they be supportive & loving if you decided not to go.

Take care, look after yourself and take the time you need to think it all through.

Not many companies would take an ex-employee on a jolly to reward staff members. I would have thought that he lost the right to the holiday when he resigned. Are you sure he's away with his ex-work?

Im sorry if my last post looked a little bossy. I didnt mean it to be x

There are multiple issues here and tensions are running high because they are all mixed up...

• The work done to get this "holiday" caused resentment - fair enough.
• when the holiday was finally announced, children weren't allowed. - This is to be completely honest no big deal! He could not have known the conditions if they were not communicated.
• A decision needed to be made on what needed to be done with DD - This is one of those points when everyting gets mixed up... There seems to have been no discussion. You used your DD as a kind of whip for your DH because of all the resentment from his exta work! You blackmailed him, he called your bluff. Now both of you are most likely upset. You are here so you definitely are upset! Understandable, you want him with you! and in his position if i had genuinely had you in mind whilst working, I would be fuming at the accusations. This means it is hard now to know where his priorities lie or what his intentions were with this matter.

• He is offered a relocation to the ME. This is a seperate ball game and irrelevant to the holiday.
• You seem to have agreed with it and have taken all the steps to go with him. All against your own will, silently piling on the resentment.
• The "holiday" has turned into a fuse and everything is boiling over now. all your other resentments are coming out. his family, your family, your location, your job, your cramped life style etc etc

You think he isn't doing what is best for the family because he isn't present. but make no mistake, he most likely is wondering why YOU do not want the best for your family because surely a larger house and enough uni money for DD and gold plating your pensions are good things?

Now he is blackmailing you into kuwait, will you call his bluff??? will it ever end?

The problem does seem to be neither of you actually discusses anything! you fight, shout and blackmail each other but you aren't actually communicating!!!

Communication should be something councillors can definitely help out with. both of you need to find away of talking to each other without being confrontational...

Oh, that is long. sorry!

Marriage = partnership

Your deal = he earns larger % of income right now & in return you look after his children. That was an equitable balance till you lost your part-time job. (Now you & the children are 100% dependent on him - the power has shifted & you haven't left the UK yet).

Marriage = BOTH partners have an equal say in any property/debts of the marriage

You BOTH kindly agreed to assist his parents by paying their mortgage. However YOU and by default your child have been pushed out of the property the PIL currenty occupy. I have no respect for the PIL, simpy because if they gave a damn about their own Grandchild they'd INSIST the child's father saw her.

(According to Karma the PIL deserve to have the place from under them to fund the divorce settlement for a woman and child they so clearly despise.)

Marriage = mutual love, respect & all that fluffy stuff

Your husband has supported your unofficial eviction from your own property. Worse still, and this is the part I find unforgiveable - he has allowed his own CHILD to be evicted too! Helll he hasn't even come to see for himself that the chid is living comfortably and is content at your parents house.

Here's my rambling thoughts.

The "holiday of a lifetime" business is a complete irrelevance, a minor distraction in the grand scheme of things. Cultural expectations? There is NO culture that thinks it's OK to evict the Grandkids. These people are just plain toxic. - At best you have a husband who is a selfish child who needs to grow the fuck up and at worst you are being deliberately set up to lose everything including your children.

Whose names are on the deeds for the two properties and whose names are the mortgages in, here in the UK? Hopefully a solicitor will advise you to move back into your own home once the tenants move out in 6 months, and you'll be able to use the threat of selling the PIL's home from under them to ensure the sefish tosser pays sufficient maintenance to you and the children from his 3x salary.

Stay here in the UK where you and your children will be safe. You are so vunerable emotionally, practically etc with a young child and a newborn. All women need support at this time and at least in the UK you have access to that.

Pissing off on a ?once in a lifetime trip? without your pregnant wife or kids because ?I?ve worked hard for it? sounds a bit of a tosser?s trick to be honest.

That was a very curious and high handed text reply of his. What exactly did you say in yours?

Don't text him any more.

Bochead, that was a terrific post.

Clearly there is much more to this than a holiday, in relation to which I don't actually think he is being uneas

Grrrr sorry posted too early. I don't think your H is being unreasonable in relation to the holiday although the whole situation is frankly bizarre - as others have said who the hell works towards an unspecified promotional target? It makes no sense.

Alarm bells do however ring re the middle east. I have worked all over the region and my gut feeling is that you are being spun a line relating to the visa- although these things can be a bureaucratic nightmare they rarely take much time to sort out just patience, 300 passport photos and lots of small change for the numerous counter charges.

Why isn't his company sorting out your visas and any other paperwork? I would in the ME and have never heard of anyone not getting the paperwork organized by their company.
And it doesn't take long to find an apartment to rent - I am sure your dh could do it in a day. It's not like he as schools to consider. I think there is a reason he wants to keep you away - sorry op.
You might want to go on a trial run and see how things would be for you there, book some cheap flights, and plan a weeks holiday with your dd ( use his credit card and give him one or two days notice. )
Make him sit down and talk to you. Explain how hurt you are and that he is neglecting his family. He s being very selfish - maybe he needs that spelled out or him. Let him know that if things continue this way, he will find himself single and the maintenance he will be paying is quite a lot ( I wouldn't think CSa would care he is supporting his parents - they just look at his total salary)
Good luck. I hope this works out the way you want it to.