Aibu to be so, so angry and hurt by DH's decision (long, sorry)

[coodymow]

I am not a regular poster although I am always lurking. However, I am so upset at the moment and I don?t know if I have a right to be or if I am just being emotional and hormonal. I will try and keep this to the point and hope you have the patience to read it.

DH has left me and DD to go on a luxury (once in a life time) all expenses paid trip with his former employers (it was a promotion he qualified for whilst still working for them). The reason I have not gone is because children are not allowed and its couples or singles only. This was not stated whilst the promotion was on-going, in fact the details about the trip were hidden until those that qualified were announced.

DH has spent most days off/weekends and evenings over the last 2 years putting in the legwork to meet the targets for this trip. We have argued so much over the fact he wasn?t spending time with me and dd, and all he used to say was he was doing this for me and dd, for us as a family so that we could have this amazing once in a lifetime holiday etc. etc. A few of his colleagues that qualified have chosen not to go as it?s during term time, no childcare for the kids and also because they didn?t want to leave their kids behind whilst they went on holiday. I told him I wouldn?t go if it meant leaving dd behind, also told him I wouldn?t stop him from going but if he did go it would leave me in no doubt what was more important to him (i.e. not our relationship or family)

DH no longer works for this company and has recently started a job in the middle east which has meant, packing up and storing all of our belongings, renting our lovely house out, me and dd going to live with his parents (challenging, as they can barely be civil to me at times) whilst we wait for him to find us somewhere to live and join him out there in the next few months. I also found out I was pregnant just before he left which has added to the tension around the house as frankly I have felt like shit most of the time and my bullshit threshold was a lot lower than it usually is.

We recently left my in-laws to come stay with my family as it was getting too much and the daily comments were upsetting me so much I used to cry myself to sleep (hormones?). Me and dd are currently living out of suitcase, in my parent?s spare bedroom whilst waiting to join husband in the Middle East. I wasn?t happy but agreed to the move as it was better money and prospects than what he was on here. I also worked part time in a job I loved but had to give that up due to having to move to my parents? house which is another town. All in all the last few months have been very stressful.

I am so, so angry at him I can barely mention his name without bursting into tears (of anger and frustration). I feel like a fucking doormat/mug, aibu unreasonable for not expecting him to go without his family? Am I mug for believing him when he said he was doing this for us? Or am I a just crazed hormonal pregnant woman who isn?t thinking straight? I am so tempted to text him and just tell him what a fucking arse he is for going without us.

If my employer had encouraged and tempted me to work so hard, for so long, knowing that I had a young family and wife at home who would be putting up with it, and then, on top of that, announced that the reward/carrot they had used as a stick to beat me with did not include those loved ones I was being made to leave behind, I would be going straight to my union rep.

Your husband's employee sounds like a very selfish and destructive organisation.

On the other hand your husband could have been being economical with the truth.

I really feel for you either way. Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way. And maybe focus on yourself and your babies. Find another part-time job you really enjoy and start saving for your own luxury trip my love. x

Im with dreaming on this. 4/5 nights a week and a day at the weekend in exchange for 10 days. And he doesnt want to see you or his dd during his stopover. Sorry but it just doesnt add up.

Yes, seems very odd to want to work that hard for two years for a 10 day holiday

Also, was it really necessary to put all those hours in in order to qualify? Did you hear other people working for the company saying they had to as well?

What LimitedAppeal said in her first paragraph i 100% agree with.

It seems like ye don't REALlY discus things op. It sounds like he had a plan, with plausible sensible sounding reasons, and you end up agreeing before you've thought through what it means for you personally. That's the competing for the trip, perhaps more than the trip itself, the housing situation and moving abroad. That's not to day you wouldn't have reached the same conclusions yourself. But I her the feeling that your input in the decision making is a bit of a token.
I do apologize if I've misread the situation

I also find it very hard to believe children were banned from the trip. Smells of bullshit to me.

And what the hell us he paying his parents mortgage for if the family is in debt??

As for him picking to visit his parents over his daughter...VERY bad decision. I couldn't tolerate that.

Unless working all those extras helped him land the new job with the 3x salary, I suppose.

Somethings not right though, judging by other details. I think OP has that uncomfortable feeling that somethings not right but is being made to feel the selfish one by him (when it's him thats being selfish).

Having been in a similar position (but don't want to go into that) I'd say that OP must trust her instincts. I wish I had.

I am still up even though I should be in bed. I don't know what to say to the posters that say there is an awful amount of bullshit being flung around by him - you're right?. Also I guess I diidn't have too much of an input on the decision making process because it did sound plausible and sensible, We worked out the costings together and it did look like we would be better off, but you never know these things exactly unless you atre living there or have good links with someone living there - which we didn't. This new job is not a direct result of his previous work.

We support his parents as they are a) on basic pensions b)in the asian culture sons support their parents whether it be by living with them, paying their bills etc. Husband is no different. I knew about the supporting his parents bit before we married but not to what extent, that bit was kept fairly vague. (Husband was in line to have an arranged/introduced marriage- instead he married me - mil has never forgiven me for tainting her family line with my inferior peasant gene's snort - she has actually said words to this affect but thats another story)

Hmm. What would your rights as a woman be in the new place? As in, would you be able to leave and take children with you or would you need to get your husband's permission?

I'm not liking any of it, tbh.

I would be too worried about what else might happen to move to the ME with someone who I suspected of lying to me. I am in another country with my DH and DD. When I moved, I knew the legal situation and had an 'escape' plan. And I trust my DH.

We wouldn't be citizens, its fairly liberal, lots of expats mainly western, I haven't looked into the whole could I leave with the kids (as in leave him) because I didn't think I would be...

Honestly, I think you would be mad to go.

You would be making yourself completely dependent not just emotionally or financially but in terms of immigration, the right to travel on someone who is not really being very trustworthy right now.

He can't even be bothered to see you when he's in town. This is the man you're trusting to do right by you and your children?

I understand it would be cheapest if you go to the ME, but that doesn't mean you have to do it.

After all, it would be cheapest if your ILs paid their own way, but that's not happening is it?

It sounds like your marriage is all about what your DH wants to do and has to do, and not really what's best for you all as a family.

cooodymow no one is saying you will definately need it but it would be sensible to find out how family law operates over there. You at least need to know how the law operates in the country you will be living in. And i think lots of people have an escape plan in mind just in case.

So you are in effect sacrificing somewhat so that his parents can have a roof over their heads, and they are so nasty to you that you had to uproot from the house YOU actually own, where they live, and go and move in with your parents?

He has managed to take his time on the paperwork to get you and the DD out to the ME. (And I agree about the ME and children and potential marriage going tits up situation. Tread very carefully. DO not put yourself in a position where you could be vulnerable)

He will be calling to see his beloved parents and not you and the DD when he gets back.

He has spent two years slaving for this holiday. Is it on the moon?

Number one in the list of your H's priorities is your ILs
Number two and three is your H.

You are an also ran.

What is her name I wonder?

I think it is time to kick out your tenants and tell your H to pay the mortgage for you. See what the reaction is when he has to either fish or cut bait. Then reclaim your life, at home.

dreamingbohemian

certainly feels like that at the moment, and to think when I started this thread I was just annoyed and upset about the holiday, now I am questioning everything, and I mean everything, my brain is frazzled. There have been some really common sense questions raised that I never thought to ask so feel like a right idiot about now.

I also texted him a few minutes ago, it was a really stupid thing to do, these things never end well, and he just texted back to say to just let him know if I am coming to kuwait or not as he wasn't going to have text arguement/conversation about it as it would acheive nothing, in my infinite and witty wisdom I texted back "ok".

Are you sure he hasn't got a wife elsewhere? Perhaps the one he was destined for in the first place?

Sorry for the suspicions, but nothing he's claimed sounds plausible.

I did some maths . Say he worked 17 extra hours per week (8 hours one weekend day, 3 hours on 3 evenings) x 52 weeks x 2 years x 6.08 (minimum wage). He would have got over 10 grand. Does he earn minimum wage? Because say he earns 12 quid an hour, that's 20 grand. I think I could buy a pretty astonishing holiday for 2 grand a night. Unless what is really happening is that the ILs get the 20 grand to pay for their house, DH goes on a fancy holiday and you get a lot of joint debt and a move to the ME.

I think perhaps it is time to let your instincts be heard. You didn't come on here and ask for no reason.

I would be so disappointed and angry right now. I'd also be hacked off that family money was going towards the upkeep of people who had such disrespect for me. I'd give serious thought about whether ME was the right move at all.

It sounds like a horrible situation :(

I would have been fine leaving a 3yo with her Grandparents for 10 days though (your parents, not his) and as he's away would have jumped at the chance of spending the time with him... but that's an aside really as I think his behaviour before this was completely unacceptable. That much time put in for a holiday (that you weren't even fussed about) sacrificing family/together time ... not a hope matey. Him going off to the ME and leaving me living with his parents - not a hope in hell. Him taking months to sort out paperwork... no way... and now him coming to the UK twice and prefering to see his parents over you and DD????? WTAF?? What would he have done if you were still staying at his parents? I bet you he wouldn't have said DD would be too upset to see him then!

I don't know if there is someone else or not, but what I do know is that he's acting like a selfish little fuck who needs to grow the fuck up and fast.

Like others have said - I would not be rushing off to the ME.

I am not liking any of this either. He had to work ridiculously hard to get this holiday. However I think you should have gone on the holiday with him and left your DD with your parents.

Given that you refused to go on the holiday he should have given it up and he should be organising for all of you to be together in the ME.

It is very selfish of him to be away sunning himself given the situation at home.

As for his mother's nasty comments- words fail me. He should not be paying for his parents mortgage if they can't be pleasant to you. That should be made crystal clear to them by him.

I'd also be wondering who the house is rented out to. It could be a ploy to get you out of there.

Please please reconsider going to the ME OP. Im sorry to have to say this but if you do go i do NOT think it would end well. I just wasnt brave enough to say this earlier upthread. Your inlaws are being VERY VERY disrespectful and sound nasty and toxic.

Just read your last couple of posts... don't feel like an idiot :( You just 'end up' in a situation like this, it only all seems obvious when you write it down and look at the whole picture - normally we are too busy living our everyday lives and don't stop to look at the 'big picture'. You aren't the first, you wont be the last :(

Texting now wasn't your smartest move - but hey ho, it's done now. I'd now text him back something like... 'You don't even want to talk about this? You are happy for your wife and your daughter to stay in the UK without even a conversation?'

I don't think I am going to be rushing off anywhere fast actually especially not the ME and especially not now. I'm in tears right now, not sure why - as in not sure if I am angry/upset/hurt all 3? or what? I kind of feel like a grade a idiot. I'm sure it will pass, but I have a lot of thinking to do and decision making. I don't think me and the husband will be talking anytime soon. I guess I just need to get on it with and think about whats best for me and dd and the new baby.