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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Beautifulwho had to call women's aid

271 replies

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 09:25

I have taken my debit cards back, my DH was not happy, he was really angry that I wouldn't give him them back 'think of the boys, when you've spent all our money and there's no food for them'. He was pacing, shouting, broke the stair gate by banging it closed and stood in the doorway holding my DS2 not letting me through whilst shouting at me. I asked him to trust me to not spend money as yes this has been an issue (taking boys into town for coffee, getting them a toy etc when feeling low) not massive amounts but we don't have massive amounts of spare cash.

He wouldn't leave for work and was incensed that I wouldn't give the cards back. I kept praying whilst he was shouting for strength and he text the pastor's wife before driving off to work telling her I had stolen my cards and was planning on going on a spending spree. She said there is not a lot they can do if we can't resolve arguments by ourselves but they will come over tomorrow afternoon. I told her how he behaved but she wasn't bothered really, exasperated probably. I'm shakin and crying and so alone I don't know what to do. No-one to contact for impartial advice so I called women's aid and they will call back when a volunteer is free...sorry for another one of these threads but I just feel so mixed up. He said I wa on a downer and not making sense and not answering his questions. I'm lost again x

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 25/04/2012 09:32

Get out. Leave now. Wtf sort of advice is the pastor's wife giving you? There's no way you should have to suffer this - does she think you're Job?!

TheHappyHissy · 25/04/2012 09:32

Of course you feel mixed up. Anyone would.

WA will call you and you will be able to speak to someone who will help you sort out what is truth and what is abuse.

You are not lost love, far from it, you are beginning to find yourself. Hang on in there. Things will get better, just listen to WA and let them give you advice. They DO know how to help you out of this situation.

Sadly, there isn't another option. Your H is abusing you, and he's using every trick in the book to keep you there. The Pastor has no proper experience in this and they may be biased to keeping you together no matter what.

In abuse, that is NOT the best thing to do, especially when there are DC involved. You have to get them to a place of peace, comfort, safety. That is not possible when you are living with a bully.

TheHappyHissy · 25/04/2012 09:34

Oh yes and start as many threads as you need to, keep going till you get out of this infernal situation. That's what we here for, to hold your hand for as long as you need us to.

LyssaM · 25/04/2012 09:40

Praying for you

Important - just because he says something doesn't mean it's true. He is telling you that you are not making sense. You are making perfect sense in the post. He doesn't want you to make sense, he wants you to shut up. If he can convince you that your valid feelings are not valid, and your valid words are not valid then not only will be able to get you to do what he wants, he will also to vicious damage to your mental health and then he will say - 'see, told you so.'

Keep posting, hide your internet history and know that lots of people here care about you, worry about you and pray for you. Please trust WomensAid.

Also important - it is illegal for him to take your credit/debit cards without your consent. It is usually part of the contract with the bank that you keep them safe and in your possession.

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 09:43

I gave them my cards but then I took them back without asking him. I'm so confused an petrified my church family are just going to dump me and my babies Sad

OP posts:
beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 09:43

*him

OP posts:
bronze · 25/04/2012 09:44

I have lived with someone who is crap with money but I would never act like he is. It's abusive and you are right to hold onto your cards. I'm not sure what texting the pastors wife is supposed to do either.
Don't really have anything useful to say but wanted to wish you strength

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 09:46

Thank you x

OP posts:
LyssaM · 25/04/2012 09:48

This is why words are so tricky - I would say that you were bullied into handing over your cards and then reclaimed your property. Of course he is upset - how can he control and abuse you properly if you may be able to scratch the money together to get away?

I am still praying for you.

PurplePidjin · 25/04/2012 09:48

Any church will welcome you, very few (if any, I'm shocked at your pastor knowing and allowing this to happen) will condone an unchristian and uncaring attitude towards abuse. You are not his possession to be ordered around, you are a human being in your own right who deserves love and respect.

glastocat · 25/04/2012 09:51

Also wishing you strength. He doesn't sound like a very holy man to me, can you imagine jesus behaving like this? And with all due respect to your pastor and his wife, they haven't a clue what they are doing here! Keep posting, and talk to woman's aid.

SardineQueen · 25/04/2012 09:55

Are you in an unusually tight-knit church community?

Just with the pastor's wife thing and the talk of your community, I am wondering if you are in a very involved and involving religious group?

naturalbaby · 25/04/2012 09:57

I've been wondering how you are and hoping you can find some sort of resolution to this situation. You are more than entitled to a cup of coffee in town and treating your kids to a toy. If the cards have your name on then they are yours and you need them. How does he expect you to look after your kids with no means of doing so? You are making perfect sense, he is being out of order and putting you on a downer with his behaviour.

Be strong. It will be a long and difficult journey but you can do it for the sake of your children - they deserve better than to live in this situation. Be strong for them and we will be here for you.

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 10:00

Yes sardine we are close but I think that's because I rely on them a bit more because my family are a bit toxic, I think that's why I really can't see this as more than me not 'submitting' to my husband. Others in the church don't seem to be as involved IYSWIM?

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 25/04/2012 10:00

Yeah, glastocat, remind me which commandment or parable teaches "Thou shalt own thy wife and subjugate her to thy will" Wink

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 10:02

Ha, it is rather amazing at how many versions of the bible there are!? X

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 25/04/2012 10:02

You've given him chance after chance. I'm so glad that you've called WA, because you've put your trust in your church family and they haven't shown themselves to be worthy of that trust.

The only way out is through. I really hope WA can give you practical advice - please take it. It really can't be God's plan for you and your innocent babies to live like this. God works through love, not through abusers.

glastocat · 25/04/2012 10:03

Yes, and NONE of them say that! Smile

PurplePidjin · 25/04/2012 10:04

to love and to cherish 'till death do us part.

Seems fairly clear to me. Denying you basic freedoms ain't loving or cherishing!

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/04/2012 10:08

Beautiful, no family, and no church, can be a subsitute for your own self-esteem.

You do not need to have a "family" in order to feel that you are lovable, and that you are entitled to happiness and to your own feelings.

You are lovable, and you are being shockingly treated, and you have a right to stand up for yourself, whether anyone around you will support you in doing so or not.

SardineQueen · 25/04/2012 10:11

beautiful that's good I was concerned you might be in a church "family" of the type that make leaving very hard.

Other churches will accept you into their fold easily and you can look until you find one that will provide the type of congregation that you want and need Smile

Talk to WA and follow the advice of the others on this thread. I haven't read your other threads but your DH sounds horrible and it sounds like you need to start taking steps on the road to quitting him.

I wish you well Smile

mummytime · 25/04/2012 10:19

I am so pleased you got your cards back. You did so well phoning WA.

It sounds as if your Church is an "independent" one, and far far behind the times on dealing with domestic abuse.

Other Churches will welcome you with open arms. You do also need some counselling, and there are Christian Counsellors out there, who can help with all the difficult feelings you have.

You seem very vulnerable to me, probably partly because of your Toxic family background, but this husband and Church don't seem to be really supporting you either. In fact the Pastor seems massively out of his depth.

I am so pleased to hear from you again. You have done so well to gain some control of your life. (Coffee in town is not a sin.)

DuelingFanjo · 25/04/2012 10:23

OP are you still on medication from the GP and still self-harming? it might be worth going back to your GP too because you do sound like you are suffering :(

Is there anyone you can talk to today that you can confide in.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/04/2012 10:28

Well done on getting your cards back.

Keep on demanding what is yours by right. Such as Respect.

SirSugar · 25/04/2012 10:32

this is your MN family Smile.

We are a very experienced family and care for those who are suffering, as many of us have lived through terrible circumstances and have come out the other side, happier and no longer scared.

Keep posting OP, there is plenty of advice and support here Smile

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