Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Beautifulwho had to call women's aid

271 replies

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 09:25

I have taken my debit cards back, my DH was not happy, he was really angry that I wouldn't give him them back 'think of the boys, when you've spent all our money and there's no food for them'. He was pacing, shouting, broke the stair gate by banging it closed and stood in the doorway holding my DS2 not letting me through whilst shouting at me. I asked him to trust me to not spend money as yes this has been an issue (taking boys into town for coffee, getting them a toy etc when feeling low) not massive amounts but we don't have massive amounts of spare cash.

He wouldn't leave for work and was incensed that I wouldn't give the cards back. I kept praying whilst he was shouting for strength and he text the pastor's wife before driving off to work telling her I had stolen my cards and was planning on going on a spending spree. She said there is not a lot they can do if we can't resolve arguments by ourselves but they will come over tomorrow afternoon. I told her how he behaved but she wasn't bothered really, exasperated probably. I'm shakin and crying and so alone I don't know what to do. No-one to contact for impartial advice so I called women's aid and they will call back when a volunteer is free...sorry for another one of these threads but I just feel so mixed up. He said I wa on a downer and not making sense and not answering his questions. I'm lost again x

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 26/04/2012 08:58

There's only one thing for it.

misty0 · 26/04/2012 08:58

Yes, if you're made to be the scape goat tonight i think you should talk to WA about leaving asap too.

It will be interesting to see how he handles tonight. Be wary of him saying all the things he thinks you want to hear though Beautiful. And things he knows the elders will be wanting to hear. I know this may seem to be making it impossible for him to do right, and i'm not saying he wont mean a word of any talk of remorse, just be wary. Gaurd your heart.

Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 09:14

purple last night he stomping, then u think he wanted sex so his demeanour changed to being touchy and loving. This morning he asked for his usual socks and boxers and t-shirt (in ironing basket) and said thank you when I tried to get them and then said oh it's ok i can do it (he's never done that) and lol about having the boys, the longest he's had them is an afternoon and put them to bed as I was singing in Wakefield and had to travel. This was after a massive argument about not consulting with him first even though I definitely had.

Thank you for prayers and I will spend some time today trying to hear from God and his will for this situation. I can hear him through what you are all saying to, thank you x

OP posts:
mummytime · 26/04/2012 09:15

Beautiful why don't you re-read that passage in Ephesians 5:22-33. And really read the second bit, about how husbands are supposed to love their wives; as Christ loved the Church. Think about all that means, how Jesus loves us, the character of Jesus. Does your husbands how the smallest signs of that kind of sacrificial love?

I know people who have had to preach on that text in Africa, and when they preacher about Husbands loving their wives it has been highly controversial. It seems to be much harder than wives submit, it is about true self-sacrific. Does your husband try to loveyou like this? Would he go without so you can have small pleasures? Would he put off getting something for himself, so you can have new clothes or have your hair done?

Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 09:16

Haha morris you don't know how ironic that is. I used to be Anglican and was going to be ordained until I met DH and realised I couldn't be as I had boobies!

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 09:18

mummytime I've not had my hair done for 6 months

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 09:19

And I have read Ephesians 6 a lot and he definitely does not love me like CHrist loves the church and he's been told so by a few people x

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 26/04/2012 09:32

Glad you saw the amusing side, beautiful. Your story sounds so horrid, glad you still have that vein of wit and sarcasm... keep that, and you'll be ok.

Wishing you strength.

ComradeJing · 26/04/2012 09:33

beautiful, don't answer if you don't want to but are you a JW by any chance?

My thoughts are with you. I do so hope you can get out. xxx

mummytime · 26/04/2012 09:36

If you are in Yorkshire I wish I could introduce you to my SIL who is ordained despite the boobies.

NicknameTaken · 26/04/2012 09:40

Oh, beautiful. You're still stuck in the hope that someone will say the right thing to him and it will "click" and he'll be okay. Sadly, you've invested your hope wrongly. You've got to take it away from him and invest it in yourself.

"God helps those who help themselves". God wants you to flourish as you, and that means getting out of this environment.

When you choose to submit, you have a duty a conscious choice to submit to the right authorities. Otherwise you're not submitting, you're just abdicating responsibility. Despite everything you've been through and been told in your life, there's a small inner voice telling you incredulously that this can't be right. Call it the voice of the spirit, if you like. Listen to it, and follow through.

Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 09:42

No I'm not a JW but my dad's side are, nothing to do with me though.

I have to add to all this that I think I'm not the only one he 'abuses', I told the lady from women's aid that he has been harsh and has hit the boys hard enough to leave a mark an hour afterwards, church know this too btw. I haven't enabled him I sought advice and discipline from those I thought knew best and DH hasn't hit them since but he can still be very harsh with them when they are only 1yo and 2yo. I hate myself so much

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 09:46

I also rang his mum and dad and told them as they adore DG's and they were Angry I hit my DH that time as I knew DS couldn't hit back Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 09:51

Nickname- I do seem to keep flitting between two opinions. I think that will be resolved after the meeting tonight, hopefully

OP posts:
glastocat · 26/04/2012 09:55

I'm sorry , but WHAT? He hit a one year old baby and a two year old toddler hard enough to leave a mark an hour later? That is child abuse, you must leave for the sake of your children and yourself.

I may have to leave this thread, the thought of a little baby being hit that hard makes me feel ill. Please get out, you don't want to lose your children, do you?

NicknameTaken · 26/04/2012 09:58

I'm just afraid you're listening people who are more invested in preserving the status quo and church authority rather than in your welfare and that of your DCs.

If you can't do this for yourself, you can do it for your dcs. The idea of someone being harsh with a 1 and 2yo is just awful.

Oogaballoo · 26/04/2012 09:58

I've been lurking this thread beautifulwho, and the last one too I think, and I am so sorry you are in this situation. But I think you need to accept that the church is not acting in your best interests here AT ALL- you don't need to wait for their permission to separate. They know that he has assaulted you, sexually assaulted you, has hit your children, controls you and is abusive...but they have still not encouraged you to get to safety. They are not experts in this field and they can't make him stop behaving this way. I don't think anyone can. The only thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation and carry you and your children to safety.

You have a 1 and 2 year old and he has hit them hard enough that there is a mark an hour afterwards. There is no going back from that. Hate him, not yourself. Love yourself enough to realise you deserve more than this and so do your beautiful children. They deserve to be happy, safe, laughing. Not fearful of their father and what he might do next.

He is not going to change. He isn't going to get better. No amount of guidance from the elders is going to make him into the person he should be.

Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 10:00

I know, I really do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 10:04

To put it into context DS bit DH and DH hit DS to get him to let go but hit him hard. I stepped in straight away and pushed DH and yelled at him then spoke to his parents x

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 10:05

He hasn't hit DS2 but he is harsh with him.

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 26/04/2012 10:05

If you know this meeting will confuse you further, why go through with it? Why make life that much harder? If you're being pulled in two different directions, you need to let go of one of the ropes pulling you.

Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 10:12

Because I know I can come on here and talk it through and I have women's aid tomorrow. I know I can't stay with him, I just don't know what to do or where to start and I'm not having the church scapegoat me by not giving them a chance to hear what has happened recently x

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulwho · 26/04/2012 10:14

If they choose to do that after we've talked I can have a clear conscience and know I've respected the elders enough to let them know what has been happening x

OP posts:
NettleTea · 26/04/2012 10:20

Im probably going to get accused of trying to knock OPs belief again, but i seriously am not trying to do that.
I am just wondering why you changed from a denomination where you were going to be ordaned into one which really does seem to be unsupportive to you when you need help, simply based upon your sex.
Did you know that the early church, pre the Roman intervention, had women priests and bishops. Paul sent an woman to Rome to take the message (cant remember if it was 'romans' or 'Corinthians') and its been suggested that he did that PRECISELY to show how women were to be treated on an equal standing.

NicknameTaken · 26/04/2012 10:21

Okay, glad you've got WA after tonight's meeting and not before. It does help to have a clear conscience when you're walking away - which I hope you will be....