Penetration after repeated bullying and nagging and hassle is penetration after coercion - rape. Even if it is 'giving in for a quiet life'. It is sex when the person hassling for it knows that you do not want sex. That's pretty icky.
Repeated sexual assault against your expressed wishes - criminal act.
And how can you 'steal' something that belongs to you? Legally they are yours!
You know, I don't think this meeting is a good idea. This is me being in haste and badgered by cat and little boy but this is my thoughts.
Your horrific husband, the pastor and the pastor's wife are all saying that you should put up with forced sex and sexual assault without any access to money and to put up with verbal abuse and threats. You are used to them being in a position of authority, you are used to believing them, you don't have the language or the experience to challenge what they say. You have no history of challenging people in authority of you - and it is soooo hard if you have a background of submitting in situations like this.
To me, your horrific husband is surreal, like a Monty Python sketch, complaining that you stole YOUR bank cards. To me it is a non question, it's not connected to any reality and I would refuse to dignify it with any form of discussion. I would not feel I need to justify taking them. (please tell me you have them in a safe place, or you won't have them for long!) I think you feel you need to justify keeping something that's yours - and you don't. You feel you need to justify being upset at repeated sexual assault, verbal abuse and threats. You are right to be upset, if you weren't then there would be something wrong! The problem is not with you!
However they could run rings round you, make you doubt yourself even more, make you suffer even more distress, convince you to stay longer for more assaults, more verbal violence and more and more horrific examples of behaviour for your children to learn from. I think that you should say that you are only willing to have this discussion with someone like an outreach worker from a domestic abuse charity present.
You do not have to accept this discussion. You do not have to accept that they know what they are talking about. You do not have to accept their version of right and wrong. It is like they hold up a bright orange mandarin in front of you and tell you that the apple is blue. It is not about submitting under God. It not about rules. It is about your right to feel safe, respected and loved.
My advice, fwiw - if you feel backed in a corner, keep repeating like a stuck record - you cannot steal something that belongs to you, you can only reclaim it. And repeated sexual assault is a criminal act and you are instructed in the Bible to submit to temporal authority. You will not agree to anything binding until you have had a chance to pray about it.
I am sorry, this is like a novel. and also, fwiw, I prayed before I wrote this, that I would write things to help. Doesn't mean that I think that this is all perfect, all correct and should be followed to the letter. It means I have done my best, and have prayed for help, but I know I am a weak human. I could have got things wrong. So can your pastor. Still praying.