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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Beautifulwho had to call women's aid

271 replies

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 09:25

I have taken my debit cards back, my DH was not happy, he was really angry that I wouldn't give him them back 'think of the boys, when you've spent all our money and there's no food for them'. He was pacing, shouting, broke the stair gate by banging it closed and stood in the doorway holding my DS2 not letting me through whilst shouting at me. I asked him to trust me to not spend money as yes this has been an issue (taking boys into town for coffee, getting them a toy etc when feeling low) not massive amounts but we don't have massive amounts of spare cash.

He wouldn't leave for work and was incensed that I wouldn't give the cards back. I kept praying whilst he was shouting for strength and he text the pastor's wife before driving off to work telling her I had stolen my cards and was planning on going on a spending spree. She said there is not a lot they can do if we can't resolve arguments by ourselves but they will come over tomorrow afternoon. I told her how he behaved but she wasn't bothered really, exasperated probably. I'm shakin and crying and so alone I don't know what to do. No-one to contact for impartial advice so I called women's aid and they will call back when a volunteer is free...sorry for another one of these threads but I just feel so mixed up. He said I wa on a downer and not making sense and not answering his questions. I'm lost again x

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foolonthehill · 25/04/2012 10:33

Beautiful you
still here for you.
Some churches just can't cope and don't know. Email them the links i gave you before.

You really need him to be held to account.

Where are you?? PM me if my Pastor (who does actually know about DV) could help or me.

You are not alone.

foolonthehill · 25/04/2012 10:38

Also ancient but Ok resource "Battered into submission" The tragedy of wife abuse in the Christian home. by J and P Alsdurf on amazon here.

IMHO he is going to escalate because he doesn't know what else to do. It's already bad enough

glastocat · 25/04/2012 10:55

I have just read some of your other thread, with mounting horror. This is no way to live, your husband is treating you terribly! I am not a Christian myself, but surely no religion would ask this of you? And if it did, surely it would be false? I have two cats that are treated better than you are (although neither of them have a debit card I think).

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 11:14

I had a thought about saying at my dad's with the boys over the weekend, just to let husband calm down a bit and get a chance to think about things without the added pressure of DH. Text my dad, rang him and then rang him at home.

He's steam cleaning his living room floor, I asked him to ring me back after he's finished as he said he was busy. I told him briefly that things were difficult here and he said o ok well gotta go ring you round about 1pm ok? Hmm Biscuit

My dad isn't toxic he just doesn't particularly want to get involved and by involved I mean, have a daughter. Shouldn't have had an affair with my mum then should he AngryWink O well

Need chocolate Sad

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beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 11:17

It's not just me is it? If that was either of my son's saying that I would down tools and listen. Am I just stupid or summut? Hmm

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beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 11:22

Now let's see, should I run the mum that's not spoken to me for a month+ that let my step dad abuse me for a few years or my nan who did the same with my grandad? Or there's my sister who would be too busy at work or my brother who would be too drunk to answer the phone? My church friends? My MIL who puts up with worse than this from FIL?

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beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 11:28
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NicknameTaken · 25/04/2012 11:30

Okay, there are lots of people who should support you and aren't. But that's life. I couldn't go to my family when I left ex because they live in another country, and I hadn't been living here for long so I didn't have any good friends who could help. I found my own allies - a counsellor, Women's Aid, and a good solicitor. You've got to find some real life allies too. There's no point waiting for someone to make this easy for you. Ultimately, it's up to you.

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 11:37

Sorry Confused women's aid haven't called back, I have a home start volunteer coming at 2pm, it's only her 2nd week with us and I don't really know her but she is lovely but a bit old fashioned.

There is someone I know who is quite high up in the Anglican church, works for an archbishop I could contact for help re church stuff? I'm not sure I need a solicitor?

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glastocat · 25/04/2012 11:41

Nickname speaks the truth. When my mum left my (violent and controlling) dad her entire family stopped speaking to her, as they were Jehovah's Witnesses and the elders had told her to obey her husband. She had nine siblings, so that was a lot of people who just dropped her! She left with the help of her emplyer whi hired a removal van and helped us pack up and leave town while my dad was out one evening. We moved into a mice-infested one bedroomed flat where we only had enough bed clothes to make up one bed. Thirty years on she is very happily remarried, and my father, who I went on to have a very good relationship with, is dead. The best thing my mum EVER did was leave my father, if she hadn't both our lives would have been destroyed. So, you can do this! Woman's aid and the internet didn't exist in my mum's day, thank god they do now!

Olympia2012 · 25/04/2012 11:41

Go to a WA hostel.... With kids and cards..... And start again?

Lone parents support other lone parents. It works.

Worth a try?

NicknameTaken · 25/04/2012 11:42

Good idea to sound out the home start volunteer. Not sure about the Anglican high-up - I think what you really need is someone who really knows their stuff about DV. Sorry Women's Aid are taking their time - might be worth a good to see if there is a IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advisor) near you.

droves · 25/04/2012 11:43

Beautifulwho , I've got a funny feeling your depressed , because of your cunt of a H.

He sounds like he is a nightmare . Obviously you have had a very very difficult life , and were vulnerable when you met him . This type of man ,purposely goes for a vulnerable (and often very young) woman , because they find them easier to bully and control .

Sweetheart ...first thing you do is go find a mirror and go tell yourself that you Deserve better , deserve respect and deserve to be loved . Because you do .

Then go phone woman's aid and ask for help .

Where are you ? If your near Edinburgh I will help you .

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 25/04/2012 11:47

What does your church teach on the roles of men and women, particularly husbands and wives? Is it men lead, women submit? Or egalitarian?

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 12:06

Women's aid coming round on Friday and I said I'd heard about WA from you lovely ladies and she was going to check out mumsnet, might be good to get involved, do I get a gold star? Wink

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beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 12:07

nickname I was one question off of needing an independent advisor x

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mummytime · 25/04/2012 12:10

I would talk to your friend. In my experience the C of E is quite experienced in dealing with these issues, it has had to be. It even happens between clergy.

She maybe able to put you in contact with someone who can give you good advice. (My BIL works for an archbishop I wonder if it is the same one?)

NicknameTaken · 25/04/2012 12:11

Yeah, you get a gold star! (I told my counsellor about mumsnet too! She'd recommended an abuse-specific website that I found too scary to read).

I'm really glad WA is coming around.

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 12:13

smellslike men are the head of the house, voluntary submission, DH godly rule, me godly submission. That women are not doormats and are equal in gods sight. If I don't submit to godly rule then I answer to the Lord x

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beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 12:15

mummytime if his name has anything to do with da youth then it could be x

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beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 12:16

That was supposed to be if he

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foolonthehill · 25/04/2012 12:20

beautiful,
I can feel you pulling away, with humour, come on.

Domestic violence and the church

let us help you.
(((((hug)))))

beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 12:32

Thank you foolonthehill the church and me are enabling him to continue to sin. I think the line that has been crossed is that I can't keep going on like this, I need respite sometimes and I don't even think the church see his behaviour as abusive. He's not being physically abusive and I told them about his nighttime fondling and they didn't even challenge him on it when they came round so I thought, can't be that serious. They just said it's a very carnal way of behaving? Hmm

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beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 12:34

My head hurts a lot, need painkillers Sad and I'm trying to be funny (unsuccessfully) cos I'm exhausted and just want I curl up and go to sleep x

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beautifulwho · 25/04/2012 12:37

Pmsl at 'nighttime fondling', the word fondling makes my teeth itch grrrrrrr

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