DH blocking my career

[IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl]

I've name changed for this because I'm not certain my DCs don't know my usual nickname, and I don't want them to see this.

I've been a reluctant and unhappy SAHM for 18 years. I was bullied into it the first place by DH who refused to countenance any kind of shared childcare, or indeed taking any responsibility for his DCs at all, apart from the financial.

I've tried to retrain and return to the workplace before, and DH tried to block it by refusing to guarantee he was home by a particular time, and refusing to guarantee he could take time off for courses. When I did go back, he refused to do any domestic work at all, and I gave up in exhaustion after a year.

Now another ten years down the line we're in the same place again. The kids are all teenagers. Two of them are doing public exams this summer. I've been tiptoeing round a very expensive training course for some months, and they called me yesterday offering a huge discount. I discussed it with DH, and he agreed there was nothing on at work, and I booked it.

Today he says "Oh, I might have to go to [insert European country] that week. And in any event, I'll have to be in the office that week." He usually works from home, and hasn't been in the office since Xmas.

If either of these happen, I won't be able to do this course. Somebody needs to be around to make sure the ones doing exams get up on time, that the bus comes, that they get picked up after the exams etc. Once again I feel I can't put myself ahead of the childrens' needs, whereas he doesn't give a toss.

I'm so upset. This was my last big chance to get back to work. We need the money now with three children going to uni in the next few years. I don't understand why he is doing this.

I don't know what to do, nor really what I want from posting. If you ask me why I'm still married to this knob, well I've asked myself that question every single day for about 14 years.

If you ask me why I'm still married to this knob, well I've asked myself that question every single day for about 14 years.

And what's the answer you come up with?

The kids can cope, start cooking and freezing meals and see a divorce lawyer! Call his bluff love.

teenagers need to bloody well get themselves up in the morning. Have a contingency plan with friends about lift sharing.

If the worst comes to the worst, college will let you have time off for an emergency, you will have to make up the work though.

I think it's safe to say your gonna have to do this alone. You need you friends now more than ever.

Can I ask how old your children are.

I was in exactly the same position as you once so I know how dreadful it can be - in the end I divorced by unsupportive ex for making my life as difficult as he possibly could (but not before i'd attended my course and qualified).

What daylily said. Surely teenagers doing exams are capable of getting themselves to and from school? And if they're not, they bloody should be. Time to put yourself first, you will be doing everyone a favour.

HotDamn, that I don't want to tell the children, who love him, that we're separating. I believe (or at least believed) that we should stay together once we had children, for the childrens' sake.

I also had three children very close together, plus a serious illness, which sapped my confidence in my own body. I couldn't leave when the children were small when I wasn't certain I wouldn't just not wake up one morning.

Now, I can't support myself, we have too much savings to get any benefits, so I'd just be living off our savings - which are supposed to be for retirement. I'd still have to take on all the child-related responsibilities. So I thought I would restart my career, and then re-evaluate how I felt about DH when we were once again on an equal footing.

But of course that doesn't mean you can't do the training course. The services you need can be bought in, or a friend or relative will help out. Don't let that stop you. Sometimes you have to spend money to make money, and childcare (teenagecare) is purchasable for that.

Though by the time I was a teenager I did all those things you say myself - your kids might surprise you and step up if you give them the chance. But if not, buy it in. I suspect your dh will be available if the alternative is to spend money on the problem.

You are where I was 4 years ago.

I left him.

You really don't need to do that for that age of teens! And if they're not used to managing their own lives just talk them through what to do if things go wrong.

Go and do your course! It's a fabulous opportunity and with the discount it's obviously meant to be. And you will need your own career when you finally get rid of him!

He does indeed sound like a complete knob. The teenagers would survive OK I'm sure, however, as the mother of teenagers I know how you feel about wanting to make sure everything goes as smoothly as it can at exam times.
Do not give up the course though. If necessary hire someone to help you out.

i think an awful lot of us have been in that position.

I am a teacher and I teach in a school 30 miles and nearly an hour away. My teenage son, now 17, has managed to get himself back and forth to school at all times, even during exam periods. Talk to your kids and tell them how important this is to you and that they will need to look after themselves for short periods of time whilst you are training.

It's a residential commercial course, not college. The DCs could walk to school, but it's 2 miles across fields.

I wouldn't hesitate if it wasn't for the exam situation.

Friends all work. I can't think of any other SAHMs except me.

Can't you just call the DCs to check they are up, and then on the bus?

Right. So for the time being I would just call his bluff, stick with the course and mention periodically your intention still to go on it. I can see that he absolutely would not pick up the slack if you did go, even though it would be very little work for him to do, so you'll need to put a plan in place to make sure your dc get to the right place at the right time on the days of the course.

The older one presumably is doing A-levels and therefore really ought to be able to get him or herself from A to B, surely? Equally I'm sure that if you ask all of them specifically to help you out that week by making sure they do x and y they will do?

After that, you're really looking for a favour from a friend or an older child of a friend who could just make sure they get to where they need to be without it seeming like babysitting.

Is the course residential? It strikes me that your DH will do absolutely everything possible to sabotage this, including inventing domestic emergencies if you're away during the week. If so, could your mum or someone come to stay?

It sounds like you'll have to be prepared for retribution in the form of housework left undone. I'm staggered you gave up work last time rather than hire a cleaner and lower your standards, although as I am a complete slattern perhaps this is much easier for me to say than you to do!

It seems clear to me that the best thing you can do - for yourself, and for your children - is to regain some independence from this person by getting back into the workforce. This course, at a substantial discount, seems like an excellent first step. It won't be easy but it will be a lot more worthwhile than backing down again and living without options.

Do the course and tell you kids to ring your dh at the office if any problems

Brilliant! If the bus doesn't come they can walk to school - lots of teenagers can't do this. How long is your course for? I agree with those posters who say "get someone in to help" paid for of course.

Sit down with your H and DCs. Tell them that you will be doing the course over xx period and will not be available to be an alarm clock, taxi etc. Ask your H in front of the DCs to confirm that he will be available to transport them about for their exams etc.

If he says no, then at least your DCs will have some understanding of the dynamics of your relationship when you do finally separate, and will not see it as a big surprise/ you being suddenly unreasonable when you take that step.

They are not little children any more who need to be protected from anything bad. There is plenty of time for them to get into a routine of taking responsibility for getting themselves up in the morning and to make other arrangements for transport over that time if your H refuses to step up.

You owe it to your DCs as well as yourself to show them that you are not to be treated as a doormat. They are old enough to understand the need for compromise in adult relationships, and to learn that in a family, the needs of the wife and mother should not always be at the bottom of the list of priorities.

Hathor, your situation was much much worse (read your other thread - the one that turned nasty, then nice again). I'm in a gilded cage.

It's not even as if I'm a good SAHM. The house is a tip. I hate housework, and we don't have sex.

I suppose I could just arrange pickups by a local taxi firm for every exam...

The thing that worries me is that I will be 2 hours away, and DH an hour and a half (or possibly out of the UK), and will not be able to step in in case of any problems. Even taxis are not 100% reliable.

Massive number of cross-posts since I started mine.

I work f-t and if a friend asked if I could help out for that week with lifts, I would do it. Don't assume that working is incompatible with being able to do anything during the day. As it is I roll up at my work after I've done the school run in the morning. The kids could be ferried by taxi for a week, perhaps?

applauds Thistledew

Apart from his ridiculous opposition to your having a career, does he have any good points? Do you still talk and laugh together, for example? And have you ever asked him why he's so obstructive to you having a career?

I think you should do this course- call his bluff, as daylily said. Sounds like you've been putting yourself last for far too long and the resentment is going to eat away at you if you don't do something about it. There are solutions to the childcare problems that week, you just have to look for them. The bottom line is that your husband wants a Stepford wife so he can have his shirts ironed and his dinner on the table when he gets home. He's never going to facilitate your career, so if you want to go for it you will just have to take charge of the situation yourself.

In the event of divorcing this knob-head, you wouldn't be living off your savings, you would be entitled to a decent settlement and almost certainly marital maintenance for a few years to allow you to get your career back on track, in acknowledgement of the fact that you gave it up years ago to support your husband in his. Don't assume anything about your financial position without taking advice!

And good luck, you sound lovely and it's really your time now. I hope you do the course and wish you every success.

Idontwant - yes but it started like yours. And actually, the headwreck of being told I was "less worthy" and had to do all these things to fit the family was harder to shake off.

I wouldn't even mention it to your H again. Carry on with your plans.
Tell your kids you won't be at home so they will have to get themselves up, or call their Dad if there is a problem.

He wants you to panic and worry, don't!

Haha Fetchez. I am far from a Stepford wife! But you are right about the resentment. It has been poisoning our relationship for a very long time, and I have thought I would leave when they left home for many years now.

I guess this is about the risk to the DCs exams. If it was a normal school week I wouldn't hesitate - if the worst that could happen was that they were late to school. However, they are good kids - I couldn't ask for lovelier ones, and they will be distrought if they are late/miss exams. I could never forgive myself.