DH blocking my career

[IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl]

I've name changed for this because I'm not certain my DCs don't know my usual nickname, and I don't want them to see this.

I've been a reluctant and unhappy SAHM for 18 years. I was bullied into it the first place by DH who refused to countenance any kind of shared childcare, or indeed taking any responsibility for his DCs at all, apart from the financial.

I've tried to retrain and return to the workplace before, and DH tried to block it by refusing to guarantee he was home by a particular time, and refusing to guarantee he could take time off for courses. When I did go back, he refused to do any domestic work at all, and I gave up in exhaustion after a year.

Now another ten years down the line we're in the same place again. The kids are all teenagers. Two of them are doing public exams this summer. I've been tiptoeing round a very expensive training course for some months, and they called me yesterday offering a huge discount. I discussed it with DH, and he agreed there was nothing on at work, and I booked it.

Today he says "Oh, I might have to go to [insert European country] that week. And in any event, I'll have to be in the office that week." He usually works from home, and hasn't been in the office since Xmas.

If either of these happen, I won't be able to do this course. Somebody needs to be around to make sure the ones doing exams get up on time, that the bus comes, that they get picked up after the exams etc. Once again I feel I can't put myself ahead of the childrens' needs, whereas he doesn't give a toss.

I'm so upset. This was my last big chance to get back to work. We need the money now with three children going to uni in the next few years. I don't understand why he is doing this.

I don't know what to do, nor really what I want from posting. If you ask me why I'm still married to this knob, well I've asked myself that question every single day for about 14 years.

You can phone each morning to ensure they get up. You can book taxis for every day that week so they get in on time.

If he doesn't want to spend money on that he'll have to do it himself. Stand up to him. He agreed and he's being a twat. Just tell him "I am doing this course, I have arranged everything." and leave it at that. Broken record.

wrt student loans; those will be your children's responsibility, not yours. Once you're working you will possibly be able to help out with day-to-day costs anyway.

If your husband hadn't been such a twunt, you'd have had a second income and been able to help them out more. If you end up being unable to help with deposits and so on, it will be your husbands fault, not yours.

Marjory, I have realised from my time on MN, that he has subjected me to EA all our married life. This is only part of it. I don't know if I can ever forgive him, but there are many others who need the scarce Womens' Aid resources far more than I do.

I don't know what you are teaching your kids by staying with him. Yes, they may have more money to pay off a student loan. But imagine (if you have a dd), if she ended up in a marriage like yours - how devastated would you be? If any of your children end up behaving like your dh to their spouse, how devastated would you be? They will be fine financially. What they need most of all is a strong role model in their Mum (and ideally their Dad, but you have no control over that). Allowing yourself to be abused/ manipulated whilst they look on and learn that is doing them more damage than anything. You need to do this course, even if the absolute worst came to the worst and they have to retake exams. A retake is negligible to the harm that's being done to them right now.

I'm not sure if there is actually any real benefit for you or your children in busting a gut to 'forgive' your partner for taking you to the cleaners for your entire married life, in order that you can create the circumstances to make yourself feel a bit happier about putting up and shutting up for another thirty years.

I would say a far better course of action would be to say - I made a mistake, and I made the best of it in staying to bring up the children. I've done a grand job at that, and now that they're off to uni, the best thing for both me and them would be to put an end to this abuse of power, and show them an even better example by starting the life I should have been living all along.

A friend's mum did similar. Her daughter's only anger was at the situation that her mum had lived in for so long, and guilt that she stayed for them. Needless to say, she's much happier at heart herself now that she knows her mum is happy too.

Your children are getting towards adulthood. They don't need to be protected in the same way anymore, and in fact that might end up actively bad for them.

Your H - well I couldn't really care less how he feels about it, seems he's had the cream of it all (above even your children) for 14 years, and that's plenty.

To have put up with this for 14 years for the sake of the children does indeed make you an extremely caring mother. If I were you the twat would have got a knife between the shoulderbladeS LONG AGO. Not helpful< know.

OP, listen to yourself. You have been so indoctrinated that you come bottom of the heap that you can't stop thinking it. Yes, there are probably women who need Women's Aid resources more than you do. There will always be people who need stuff more than you do. That does not mean that you should never take anything for yourself or never ask. If anything, it is more reason to ring WA since they will probably be able to give you some help fairly easily over the phone.

The same goes for 'if I buy a house it will be less money for the DC'. No, it will be a house where they ca happily spend time with you without your idiot husband around. Isn't that also an asset for them? Don't you deserve space of your own?

I can see you love your kids and want the best for them. But think carefully about whether always putting them before yourself is actually the best thing for them. Your kids don't need to have extra money. They will possibly do better to have more chances to stand on their own two feet and earn their own money when they are living independently.

Plenty of good suggestions here about the exam week. Book taxis, ring them in the mornings. And be clear and open to them and your husband that this is the plan; no crumbling and giving up the course. Pay your kids the tribute of trusting that they can handle this. They sound as if they can.

And book that weekend with your sister asap. As if the kids couldn't cope with missing activities for one weekend! What the hell does your husband do all weekend? Does he never take them anywhere?

One last thing: all these doubts in your mind may be unconscious self-sabotaging, where you are worried about 'cutting it' on the course, so look for reasons why it isn't a good idea. Totally understandable but have faith in yourself.

You can't cancel the course. If you do, you'll never get round to it.
Do think very hard about handing over money to your children for university fees or house deposits. You really can't stay with this man. That money is your escape money. Your DCs will be fine. They can take loans.

anyway good luck OP and thanks for the timely reminder of some of why I split up with my daughter's father - hope you can keep us posted, lots of people on your side here

Op, I also was where you were last year, with a h who put his needs first. His job had always made it impossible, he said, to offer this and that. He now finally admits that he often lied about this.

I had had the career, but finally went part time and allowed it to die after the recession because it was just too difficult with three dependent kids, and a workaholic h.

I did see a lawyer in the summer last year but decided to stay. Internet infidelity issues finally brought it to a head in the autumn and god did he change after we went to relate, as he knew I would finally leave. Things which had been impossible for years suddenly became possible. He works for himself as well.

I told myself this mantra for at least three years that I couldnt leave as we would lose the house and I wouldnt be able to buy another without stable work, and that I would not get benefits so would be forced to spend my share of the equity which I had spent 25 years building up. I was also cross that I had a house when we met and a very good professional career, and he didnt have either back then, and that he would walk out of the situation smelling of roses and with a good job now, which I had helped him get, and a home. He even said himself, rather smugly, 'well, that's the law, im afraid'!

I imprisoned myself with those views, I now see.

And I did not take into account the hidden damage done to the kids over time.

I think it may be worth you exploring whether there are some parallels between your willingness to have allowed your h to get away with this, and the way in which you have assumed your older kids cannot cope. There is an assumption in both cases that your needs dont count, and also that they cannot be expected to take reasonable responsibility. Neither view is good for anyoe in your family. They can and they need to, not least for themselves.

Going to a lawyer to see where the land lies, as a research project almost, will give you the information you need to see that there is in fact a path through this. You dont have to act on it, and the first half hour is free.

And once you see that path, it will start you thinking and make you stronger. It will also improve your negotiating position, and you will organically feel this to be the case and act differently, should you decide to stay and work on the marriage. Not that I am saying you should do that. In any case, it will strengthen your hand.

You will be surprised how the Dc's will cope. Don't find problems before any have happened. They all have alarms on their mobiles don't they.

Go on your course, they will all survive, so will your DH!

Why are you worrying about your childrens's Uni fees or their future housebuying?

They will be adults and it will be their responsibility, you need any money for your future, you have put yourself last for far too long, I'm sure your kids don't want you to live a miserable life as a doormat to a selfish man, do you think that they dont know that YOU are the one who cares for them and that their father does fuck all?
Leave him and make a life for yourself, can you imagine the life in store for you when they are off at Uni.
If he was any kind of decent man and father , he would be bending over backwards to enable you to get back on the career ladder, what would he do if you were hospitalised, he wouldn't be able to fuck off and ignore his kids then, would he?

OP, try not to think that you are letting your kids down, and instead reflect on the valuable lifeskills and confidence you are giving them. Guiding them so that they can get themselves up in the morning, make their own breakfast and get themselves to school is a gift! It will make them feel like adults and give them confidence!

My own DM walked two miles across fields to school from when she was 5 years old, rain, wind or snow. As a teenager myself I walked a couple of miles home from the school bus every day. Start your teenagers in the routine now, so they are well in the swing of things by the time the exams come around.

Your H doesn't want you to have qualifications, your own job and independence, because he knows that then you would have the ability to leave him. Deep down, he's an insecure fuckwit who knows that he's been shit to you all these years and knows that once you have your own money and confidence, he won't be able to keep hold of you.

As others have said, think about the life lessons you're teaching your children: if you have daughters, you're teaching them that women are less than nothing. Do you want them to be slaves to their own husbands and children? If you have sons, you are teaching them contempt for women.

You have been out of the game for a long time, so it's natural to be scared, but you are using your kids as an excuse to hide behind. They don't need deposits for houses, or money to pay off students loans. No-one gave me those things, and yet I've paid off my student loans and own my own home.

Don't find yourself in a position that a lot of women do, that they stay in an unsatisfactory marriage for years, only to find that one day their husband up and leaves them. What will you do in a couple of years time if your kids leave home, your husband leaves you and you have no qualification and no job? I've seen it happen to quite a few women who 'stayed for the kids'. do it for your kids and do it for yourself. Lots of mums with full time jobs work it out and so will you.

Thank you everyone!

EightiesChicks remark about self sabotage has hit home a bit. I'm sure I can cut it on the course. What I'm not sure of is whether I will ever get the job I'm dreaming of after the course, at my age, or whether it is money down the drain.

Anyway, you may all be interested to know I've now told DH that I'm going to do it anyway, that I'll book taxis where necessary, so he won't have to do anything, BUT I'M DOING THE DAMN COURSE, and he has backtracked. Apparently he is 99.999% certain he will be at home that week.

Was it always that easy to stand up to his bullying? Have I just been a wimp all along?

I will still take all your excellent suggestions about talking to the children and I may still book taxis, to remove the chance of last minute sabotage.

If you are on a residential course then you can ring them in the morning to make sure that they are up. Do they have bikes?, can they cycle to the exams? or if not if you can afford it give them taxi money just in case dh plays up? Can they stay with friends for a couple of nights of the exams ?

Good luck

No, you haven't been a wimp. But well done you for taking this on now.

The taxi plan is a good back-up still in case your husband double-crosses you has something crop up at the last minute (can't you just hear the 'well I did say it was 99% sure but there was always the chance...' from him?) Put numbers of reliable local taxi firms in your mobile and make sure the kids have them too. But I bet you will find they cope well.

Yay! Well done! Great news!

I have found it easy to allow myself to be pushed around at work over the years, and to feel I always have to do the bending over backwards to make things happen/hit the deadline etc. Then one day I just said "No, I can't do it by Tuesday, but I can probably do it by Thursday...." (or whatever), and lo, that was fine.

Cue: Wow, that was easy, why didn't I try just saying No years ago?

So, I know how you feel. Re: bullies, I find that they bully as much as they are allowed to, iyswim. As soon as they are stood up to, a certain amount of backing down follows.....

Am so pleased you have taken the first step!

Fiventhree your story sounds eerily similar.

I also had a fantastic, stratospheric career that I loved when I met DH. I was the girl who thought "Oh I've always wanted to travel," and booked a round the world ticket. He was the man who thought "Oh I've always wanted to travel", and sat on the couch.

He's said that my strong will was one of the things that attracted him to me. I have wondered whether he got a perverse pleasure out of taking a strong willed, successful woman, and turing her into what I am now.

The thing is once you have done the course you will have more confidence in going for jobs.

Just another thought could you ask your ds friends parents for a bit of help should you H try and sabotage you at the last minute.

Well done! No, it wasn't always that easy to stand up to his bullying; that's how bullying works ? it's hard to stand up to.
And no, you haven't been a wimp ? you've been manipulated and ground down and your love for your children used against you.

I don't agree with the advice about the taxis though. I think you ought to tell your H (I refuse to call him DH) that if his infinitesimal odds of not being at home that week come to pass, he will have to come up with a back-up plan if your teens don't manage one.

Yey you !
Remember that you are doing for all the women out there in the same position - and there are a shit load of us out there :( . Whether you have daughters or sons, you are doing it for them, too.
Stick to your guns. You may have won the battle, but there is a fucking war raging out there.

It is possible to stand up to men like your H who try to sabotage, but do be prepared for him coming up with other ways in which he will try to scupper your plans.

You need to sit down with him and spell out to him that his behaviour is sabotaging your efforts, and that you will not accept it any more and that you want him to show support for what you are trying to achieve. This will go one of two ways - if he is really a kind and decent man who has your best interests at heart, then he will be remorseful, and keen to know what he can do to make amends and to help you. If he is an entitled, selfish man who sees you as someone who is there to serve his needs, he will put up resistance, and find reasons and excuses not to help you. I really hope that you find the former, and not the latter, but at least you will know where you stand.

I had an ExP who was similar - although in public he professed to be proud of my ambitions and successes, every time that I had an important exam, or interview, or first day of a new job, it just 'happened' that the night before he fancied had some of his most rowdy friends round, or couldn't sleep so would entertain himself by playing the guitar until 3 am. It was so utterly predictable it was comical in the end.

You owe it to yourself, and as a model to your DC not to let your H stand in your way of happiness.

Well done. And I agree that you still need to book taxis to remove the chance of last minute sabotage. And don't beat yourself up as being a wimp. Often this kind of emotional abuse creeps up very slowly and when you are in it, it can be very hard to see what is actually happening.

Yes, he did. Probably subconsciously, but yes.

Well done! What we tell our kids about bullies in the playground (stand up to them, they're cowards really) works at home too.

Be aware that it may not be all straightforward from now on though, so keep posting here. Good luck with it.

(For the record: I am in my 50s and am now doing a degree with the OU. I have every intention of getting a job when my studies are done - possibly sooner, while I'm still studying. I might be 60 by the time I finish but I'll get a bloody job if it kills me! )