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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH blocking my career

211 replies

IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl · 19/04/2012 09:15

I've name changed for this because I'm not certain my DCs don't know my usual nickname, and I don't want them to see this.

I've been a reluctant and unhappy SAHM for 18 years. I was bullied into it the first place by DH who refused to countenance any kind of shared childcare, or indeed taking any responsibility for his DCs at all, apart from the financial.

I've tried to retrain and return to the workplace before, and DH tried to block it by refusing to guarantee he was home by a particular time, and refusing to guarantee he could take time off for courses. When I did go back, he refused to do any domestic work at all, and I gave up in exhaustion after a year.

Now another ten years down the line we're in the same place again. The kids are all teenagers. Two of them are doing public exams this summer. I've been tiptoeing round a very expensive training course for some months, and they called me yesterday offering a huge discount. I discussed it with DH, and he agreed there was nothing on at work, and I booked it.

Today he says "Oh, I might have to go to [insert European country] that week. And in any event, I'll have to be in the office that week." He usually works from home, and hasn't been in the office since Xmas.

If either of these happen, I won't be able to do this course. Somebody needs to be around to make sure the ones doing exams get up on time, that the bus comes, that they get picked up after the exams etc. Once again I feel I can't put myself ahead of the childrens' needs, whereas he doesn't give a toss.

I'm so upset. This was my last big chance to get back to work. We need the money now with three children going to uni in the next few years. I don't understand why he is doing this.

I don't know what to do, nor really what I want from posting. If you ask me why I'm still married to this knob, well I've asked myself that question every single day for about 14 years.

OP posts:
elephantscantski · 19/04/2012 11:28

idontwannabeastupidgirl - Yes I think some men do take a perverse pleasure from this ime.

doctordwt · 19/04/2012 11:28

Great!

Book the taxis anyway, and tell him you're doing so. It wouldn't hurt to explain to him, with a little knowing smile, that seeing as he's been working at home for the last 18m and yet still seemed so strangely sure that he might be away that week, you'd rather be on the safe side. After all, wouldn't he just hate to be seen as actively sabotaging your career return? I mean, isn't that just the very cliche of the mid-life marriage breakdown

He's not on your side. Don't forget that.

arthriticfingers · 19/04/2012 11:28

Oh - and watch he doesn't cancel the taxis and then have a last minute emergency.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2012 11:29

as a teen we came home from school prepared dinner, both parents worked. it really isnt so uncommon and not insurmountable

you can cook meals at weekend and freeze them.kids reheat in microwave

i dont know if is feasible but could you book an agency au pair for the week of the course?
how will your teens be disadvantaged if youre not home for that training week?as theyd have to get used to it when you work

if i were you i would proceed, attend the training
and dont panic about what ifs. your dh is purposefully blocking your wishes for his selfish reasons

so if you can book agency au pair whilst you do the training

elephantscantski · 19/04/2012 11:29

And Op, nobody knows when they do a course if it will lead to the job they want. But you have to try and get what you want. The fear of not achieving something is not a good enough reason never to do it. If you did that, you would never achieve anything.

vanimal · 19/04/2012 11:31

Do your DCs have mobile phones? If not could you get them cheap pay as you go ones for the week you are away?

Then you could ring them in the mornings to wake them, and they could call you if any problems or text you to let you know they got there ok etc to put your mind at ease.

Also a huge, detailed list with all tel numbers etc is a good idea. And tell all of the parents you know that you are going away, so your DCs can go to them for help if needed (it probably won't be needed!)

I travel abroad for work a fair bit, and have DDs aged 2 and 4. I have a student who picks them up from daycare if DH can't make it, I am always stressed out beforehand but leave her a huge detailed list of when to get them, what to give for their dinner etc, and text her all the time I am away. I also call daycare occasionally in the day and make sure girls got in ok.

So you could do the same. Leave them plenty of money, so, if worse comes to worse they can taake a taxi to and from school every day you are away, and leave extra cash for food and emergencies. And just have them call/email you as much as possible whilst you are away.

Roseformeplease · 19/04/2012 11:35

Is there someone at the school who could help? An older cousin? Aunty?

worldgonecrazy · 19/04/2012 11:35

What would you do if your husband got hit by a bus tomorrow or had been hit by a bus last year? How would you manage? You'd be thinking about getting a job and supporting yourself wouldn't you? You'd find a way to sort out that week so that you could do the course. Your teenagers are no longer children, they are young adults and you owe it to them to build on the great foundation you have given them in their childhood by now allowing them to take responsibility for themselves.

You have had some amazing advice on this thread. I hope you find the time to read every post very carefully.

MerryMarigold · 19/04/2012 11:37

Hurray! Big step. Yes, book taxis and get kids on board too - just for that 0.00001% chance that he does need to go to Germany or the office that week Wink or is coincidentally too ill to drive or something.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 19/04/2012 11:45

SO pleased that you've told them all you WILL be going. Good for you :)

Definite yes to putting plans in case that assume your husband won't be available, I agree that he will probably pull some BS the Sunday before that he thinks will stop you going. Don't let him.

Theas18 · 19/04/2012 11:56

Will read the whole thread later by put a 16yr and an 18yr old can cope.

They can get themselves up - if they can't tell them now they need to get on and do it !

They can get themselves places on time - again start now so being late isn't desperate. If public transport is a bit shit find a local taxi firm and use as back up.
( my 3 have been using public transport alone since aged 10/11 for known routes and from 14 or so depending on the child to get to music exams in odd places etc- ds got the bus going the wrong way going home after an Exam but thats all).

They can find food for themselves too yknow! Though it might it be the high quality balanced diet you may hav in mind!

If you think your DH is out this deliberately , get on and make a life for yourself.

fiventhree · 19/04/2012 12:02

I thought it might be!

He's said that my strong will was one of the things that attracted him to me. I have wondered whether he got a perverse pleasure out of taking a strong willed, successful woman, and turing her into what I am now.

He chose you as a) he doesnt see himself as you see him and b) I suspect that in his muddled head you represented a better challenge. There is a status thing in there, isnt there, as he has an unconscious equation- smart wife= smart man.

The awful truth? He does it because he can, you have let him. Obviously, you werent faced with that much choice when they were young, and the double burden of kids/home and job were too mcuh- it seemed a sensible decision to you to give up at the time, and probably was. It would have been less necessary with a less selfish husband, wouldnt it?

There will come a point where you ask yourself about how you got here. My own trouble is that I am one of those people who complain and refuse, but do it anyway. They get used to that; it's water off a ducks back to them after a few years. My h just used to let me moan, argue his case, disagree about every aspect, and then do what he wanted anyway.

You have to take those kinds of steps you did this morning- reverse they psychology. Just do it anyway. Or dont do it, in some instances- drop the ball and see if he catches it. Luckily your kids are big enough now that it isnt a disaster if he doesnt.

Original poster
IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl · 19/04/2012 12:05

Thank you all.

I am going to go and do some preparatory reading for my course now. But I will come back if there are any more replies, even if I don't post.

Thank you all! Smile

OP posts:
elephantscantski · 19/04/2012 12:06

I think it is about learning not to ask for permission and just doing things. And thinking of yourself and your future at times rather than always putting everyone else first.

Bramshott · 19/04/2012 12:07

Well done! It's only upwards from here!

tribpot · 19/04/2012 12:11

Good for you! First hurdle jumped - there may be others if he has retreated to consider his next move, but you have made an excellent start. Well done - you can do this!

solidgoldbrass · 19/04/2012 12:26

Yes he did choose you in order to destroy you. This is a man who hates women and takes a conscious pleasure in 'conquering' one. Because he's inadequate himself, it offends him on a deep level to see a woman being happy and successful rather than owned and submissive.
Once you have accepted that about him, you can clearheadedly work round him ie cut him out of the picture and ignore any attempts at sabotage but, should he do anything seriously damaging such as try to lock you in or attack you, or even do something WRT the bank accounts so you can't access money, involve the police straight away.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2012 12:46

longer term have a look at how you got to be so cowed by him
you dont need to live like this, but you do need to understand how he manipulated you and how to not repeat that pattern. as in workplace and life you'll meet people who would try manipulate you too

also as a general teens are generally capable and you dont need to be there for everything, they can do some tasks for themselves. realistically give them bit freedom and take your own freedom

Original poster
IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl · 19/04/2012 12:47

His next move has been to cancel the weekend away we were going to have (we've never had a weekend away without kids), ostensibly so he can use the 2 days holiday for when I'm away. But his parting comment was "I'm not sure I can be bothered any more".

That still hurts. But I know a decent man would be trying to rebuild bridges, rather than burning them.

OP posts:
Thistledew · 19/04/2012 12:51

Go on the holiday on your own.

Thistledew · 19/04/2012 12:51

Or with your sister. Perfect excuse for you to get together if he no longer wants to go.

Original poster
IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl · 19/04/2012 12:51

Actually, I think I'll see if my suister is free...

OP posts:
Original poster
IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl · 19/04/2012 12:52

...sister

OP posts:
elephantscantski · 19/04/2012 12:52

Ignore this, he is trying to hurt you and manipulate you. If he was being decent, he wouldn't try and hurt you.

Thistledew · 19/04/2012 12:52

So sorry for your hurt. You don't deserve it. Try turning it into anger.

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