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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH blocking my career

211 replies

IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl · 19/04/2012 09:15

I've name changed for this because I'm not certain my DCs don't know my usual nickname, and I don't want them to see this.

I've been a reluctant and unhappy SAHM for 18 years. I was bullied into it the first place by DH who refused to countenance any kind of shared childcare, or indeed taking any responsibility for his DCs at all, apart from the financial.

I've tried to retrain and return to the workplace before, and DH tried to block it by refusing to guarantee he was home by a particular time, and refusing to guarantee he could take time off for courses. When I did go back, he refused to do any domestic work at all, and I gave up in exhaustion after a year.

Now another ten years down the line we're in the same place again. The kids are all teenagers. Two of them are doing public exams this summer. I've been tiptoeing round a very expensive training course for some months, and they called me yesterday offering a huge discount. I discussed it with DH, and he agreed there was nothing on at work, and I booked it.

Today he says "Oh, I might have to go to [insert European country] that week. And in any event, I'll have to be in the office that week." He usually works from home, and hasn't been in the office since Xmas.

If either of these happen, I won't be able to do this course. Somebody needs to be around to make sure the ones doing exams get up on time, that the bus comes, that they get picked up after the exams etc. Once again I feel I can't put myself ahead of the childrens' needs, whereas he doesn't give a toss.

I'm so upset. This was my last big chance to get back to work. We need the money now with three children going to uni in the next few years. I don't understand why he is doing this.

I don't know what to do, nor really what I want from posting. If you ask me why I'm still married to this knob, well I've asked myself that question every single day for about 14 years.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 19/04/2012 12:53

he being petty and trying to undermine and punish you
i hope if you maintain fortitude and dont give in - do the course
and raise your children to value their partners as equals and not the live in maid
if you have a dd emphasise need to maintain own career and autonomy and not be beholden to a partner

tribpot · 19/04/2012 12:54

Yes, definitely. He wants to bully you and this may escalate. He obviously thinks he is punishing you by taking away your weekend with him (sounds like a lucky escape to me) - why on earth would he need to take two days off work whilst you're away?! But let him get on with it - don't rise to the bait.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/04/2012 12:54

Agree, say 'If you can't go then I'll ask DSis ? no need to waste a perfectly good holiday that's already booked.'

EightiesChick · 19/04/2012 13:00

If he works from home, there is no need for him to take 2 days off simply to take the kids to their exams. So that's rubbish. This is manipulation and bullying, so now you know what he's really aiming for (were you ever, really, in any doubt?) Be angry instead of hurt. Keep on with your plans to get a life of your own - it's clearer than ever that you need one.

SpiritOfTheSite · 19/04/2012 13:01

Well done you! See, you're still that person you thought you lost! Keep shovelling the crap off and shine!

SpiritOfTheSite · 19/04/2012 13:02

Oh ffs! What a tosser. Now he's "punishing" you like you're a child?

SpiritOfTheSite · 19/04/2012 13:05

Tell him you don't need him while he's away, you and the kids have it all sorted. You don't actually need him.

hugs for it hurting though.

margerykemp · 19/04/2012 13:17

He's a mean b. You do deserve women's aid, it is for ALL abused women, they provide advice and support as well as refuges.

It really wouldn't surprise me if he's planning last minute sabotage so def book the taxis and prep the kids to deal with hiccups on their own.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2012 13:23

book an aupair to take them to the exams,make sure they get there.in case the dad too ill,or called away to work etc. you need someone who will arrive and take over if he suddenly becomes unable to

and you book taxi for return journeys

buy the kids cheap supermarket mobiles to stay in touch

would he genuinely sabotage the kids getting to exams or is this a bluff to make you feel bad?.

IloveJudgeJudy · 19/04/2012 13:29

Another one here, late to the thread, begging you not to stay with your DH. My DM stayed with my father who is a narcissist I think, if not EA. My DBs (and I, really) have said to my DM that we wish she had separated from him when we were children. She is stuck with him now. Her pride won't let her leave him now as he has some medical problems. She has told me that she's going to the doctor to get some anti-depressants next week as he is still subjecting her to nasty stuff.

What I'm trying to say is, please don't be like my DM. Please leave. Your DC won't particularly thank you for staying with him. They really won't.

I wish you all good luck in your future endeavours.

ancientandmodern · 19/04/2012 13:33

Completely agree you should be going on the course (and ignoring your H!).

However, would add that think it would be wise to have a 'dry run' of taxi arrangements etc before the exam week. I have left teenagers in similar circumstances and they will cope fine, but there is always a very odd question which seems logical to the teenage mind but won't have occurred to you. In my daughter's case, this would probably be how to hand over the taxi fare and what to do about the tip, but could also be where the taxi will leave/collect them from, how to operate microwave, where do they get the clear plastic bag they have to put pens in for exams or whatever. Doing a sort of 'role play' of how it will work would reduce stress and worry for everyone, I think.

Good luck, and hope course goes well.

fiventhree · 19/04/2012 13:36

Yes, he is trying to manipulate you and punishing you for being away. I have to admit, though there are parallels, my h would never have done that.

What a total baby.

Even if he isnt trying to punish, he is at least replacing the weekend 2 days with the days you are away, so he doesnt lose any of his own time in supporting the family. eg as though the days were a bank balance and you have 2 separate accounts- he thinks he is 'owed' the time back, and from you.

See that lawyer!

solidgoldbrass · 19/04/2012 13:38

You are absolutely doing the right thing in going on your course and standing up to this man, but be aware that he is going to be very angry and wil be actively looking for ways to upset, inconvenience, hurt and worry you; you will need to be alert. Basically you have to consider him as an enemy, because that's what he is. A friend/partner wouldn't insist on crushing you into lifelong subsevience and punishing any attempts to live like a full human being.

EightiesChick · 19/04/2012 13:48

We may all be getting a bit over excited about the exams. Are the exams held in their usual school/college/sixth form? If so, then (as has been said) it really shouldn't be a problem to get themselves there - how do they usually travel in, OP? Do you give them a lift? But even if so, the main issue I'd think would be making sure there is plenty of extra time built into plans to allow for emergencies, i.e. time enough to call another taxi if one turns up, plus knowing alternative numbers to ring. You know your DC but if they have reasonable organisational skills and timekeeping skills, they should be well able to cope.

I would absolutely believe he is capable of last minute sabotage, but I also think it is possible to get too worked up about the exams issue and your kids' ability to cope. You can all do it without him..

TheHappyHissy · 19/04/2012 14:00

What a truly vile and evil little man.

please do the course, please go with your sister on the weekend away.

Otherwise, let the chips fall as they may. Exams get missed? they can be re-sat. Explain to your DC what you expect of them. Trust them to do it.

Book an appointment with a SHL. Seriously.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2012 14:07

dont see any over excited about exams i do see practical and pragmatic answers about a difficult situation and mean minded man

i think its fairly evident to all that this isnt about exams.however for the op the teens exams are a manifestation of how her dh is blocking her and this is worrying her. so i think that why there has been some specific answers about getting to exams

worldgonecrazy · 19/04/2012 14:10

I'm guessing you're going to be reading some of the warnings and thinking that we're a little over-the-top. I really hate to say it, but I don't think they are. This man is now going to do everything he can to sabotage you, will seek to knock down any little bit of 'get up and go' that he sees emerging in your new found search for freedom. He really will.

His "punishment" of you by cancelling your weekend away is showing his true colours. I am so very sorry that you have wasted 18 years of your life with someone so crap.

On the plus side, your kids sound great and guess what - it is all your doing. They obviously haven't picked up any of their father's crapness so their positive side must be from you.

EightiesChick · 19/04/2012 14:11

scottishmummy yes, and I like others have given some of the practical answers. I think it's important to have a plan. I also don't think all of this is about exams, and have made that clear too. My point is that if the kids are sitting exams in the places where they usually study, actually getting there should not be necessarily hugely difficult, even though planning and leaving plenty of time is good. Not criticising the specifics, just pointing out that it is possible to get overly worried about this - and that in itself it probably a state of mind the OP's husband has encouraged over the years, with lots of 'oh, but X will miss her activity / how will X get home?' style comments.

doctordwt · 19/04/2012 14:12

...and now you see what happens when the worm turns.

Rebook the weekend, ask your sister - then tell him.

Gird your loins, because this is just the start of it all.

Your eyes are opening...

scottishmummy · 19/04/2012 14:13

yes she has been cowed to a dominant man for 18years
and now when shes trying to exert autonomy he blocking it

SarkyWench · 19/04/2012 14:18

Slightly random comment...

When I was doing gcses my lovely SAHM had to go away for 2 weeks to spend time with her ill elderly mum on the other side of the world. DBro and I coped just fine. Got ourselves to all exams and were completely clear that our mum was doing the right thing.

Original poster
IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl · 19/04/2012 14:19

The thing is, I think I am naturally the more dominant person.

The children have been my Achilles heel, and are the string he's always pulled to bring me to heel. He knew I'd put them before anything.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 19/04/2012 14:30

time to get your va va voom back
and teach the dc to never be emoytionally or finacially
beholden to another adult

do rexamine your own triggers esp maybe that mum gives everything up or surrenders self for the kids. it doesnt need to be so hard,in a positive relationship it is shared and not expected that mum is nurturer and that trumps all else inc career

Confounded · 19/04/2012 14:32

To be fair I must let you know my stance first. I have always been a career oriented mother.

However, 2 kids doing public exams and likly to go to uni or work. Where will you be then? Homealone? Do you think that the kids will look back much? No they will make their way in the world and so they should.

You need to invest this time for you NOW. You will be doing eveyone a favour. If the school/exam pick up arrangements fall apart I am sure your kids can do what mine would do. Either wait for me to turn up or go to a friends. My kids always know what the safety contingency is and yes on occasion I have been unable to get to them.

Make domestic arrangements, expect the time of the course to be chaotic but roll with it. Go for it and good luck

doctordwt · 19/04/2012 14:43

OP, this response from him tells you everything you ever needed to know. Every doubting question about whether you're overreacting, whether you'll be hurting the children by spreading your wings, whether he's actually a good man and a good father with a blind spot - those questions have just been answered.