DH blocking my career

[IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl]

I've name changed for this because I'm not certain my DCs don't know my usual nickname, and I don't want them to see this.

I've been a reluctant and unhappy SAHM for 18 years. I was bullied into it the first place by DH who refused to countenance any kind of shared childcare, or indeed taking any responsibility for his DCs at all, apart from the financial.

I've tried to retrain and return to the workplace before, and DH tried to block it by refusing to guarantee he was home by a particular time, and refusing to guarantee he could take time off for courses. When I did go back, he refused to do any domestic work at all, and I gave up in exhaustion after a year.

Now another ten years down the line we're in the same place again. The kids are all teenagers. Two of them are doing public exams this summer. I've been tiptoeing round a very expensive training course for some months, and they called me yesterday offering a huge discount. I discussed it with DH, and he agreed there was nothing on at work, and I booked it.

Today he says "Oh, I might have to go to [insert European country] that week. And in any event, I'll have to be in the office that week." He usually works from home, and hasn't been in the office since Xmas.

If either of these happen, I won't be able to do this course. Somebody needs to be around to make sure the ones doing exams get up on time, that the bus comes, that they get picked up after the exams etc. Once again I feel I can't put myself ahead of the childrens' needs, whereas he doesn't give a toss.

I'm so upset. This was my last big chance to get back to work. We need the money now with three children going to uni in the next few years. I don't understand why he is doing this.

I don't know what to do, nor really what I want from posting. If you ask me why I'm still married to this knob, well I've asked myself that question every single day for about 14 years.

i agree - plan it all so that you don't rely on dh at all. then when he tries to scupper things at the last minute you can calmly 'back him up'.

Based on my experience with exH, I wouldn't let him know of all your back-up plans. I truly hope he wouldn't jeopardize your dc's exams, but you never know. My ex often tries to scupper my plans with DD (especially if I'm seeing family - he goes mad with jealousy) so I need to have Plan A, that he knows about and may either cooperate with or undermine, and then Plan B, that can swing into operation at the last moment and doesn't rely on any cooperation from him at all.

Of course, as he gets wise to this, I sometimes now need a plan C. It's ridiculous, but I reckon it's great for encouraging strategic contingency planning on my part. I just wish I could put it on my cv....

OP, you and your DH have 'fallen into' the roles you now have and there is nothing to suggest that you haven't been equally culpable. There is so much resentment that has been years in the making, it's no wonder you no longer have sex. As far as relationships go, it hasn't been properly nurtured by either of you it seems. It is not the time for name-calling and finger pointing. Part of loving someone is helping them to be the best person they can be; you have let your DH get away with his behaviour for too long it seems. I hope you find your course fulfilling and that you come home revitalised and willing to put a bit more effort into your relationship with your husband.

Pickledsiblings, I know I am no saint. I am arrogant, intolerant, and lazy.

However, I'm also uncomplicated, honest and not a game player, none of which apply to H.

The EA has not been restricted to work vs SAHM, that's just the topic that I've posted about here. He of course would deny that he has ever done anything wrong if you asked him. Which is his usual stance when I've pulled him up over anything.

So I think it's interesting that you think I'm the one who should put in more effort.

I wonder if that's the trap the women fall into too often? Personally I think my culpability stops at allowing him to get away with it - and the children were the extenuating circumstances.

OP, I think your DH should put more effort in too . However, 'pulling him up' over things is perhaps not the best way of helping him to be the best person he can be. He of course needs to want this too, as do you, for yourself.

Good luck with it all.

I just had a "back to the 1950s" moment there

Go for it, OP. And do it like empirestateofmind and NicknameTaken say.

The thing is, pickled, you're assuming that he wants to the best person he can be. If he doesn't (and that's what the evidence indicates), there's nothing that OP can do about it. I'm not saying you're wrong as a general rule, but when you're in a relationship with someone who wants to win at all costs, your way of thinking is a dangerous trap.

You're right Nickname but such things (i. e. whether or not the OP's DH wants to be the best person he can be) can be difficult to determine under a huge cloud of resentment.

pickled... The benefit of the doubt is not a card she should be playing at the moment. She seems to want to find out where her OH stands and not second guess it any longer which is going to be difficult but is applaudable.

You should not make her feel guilty for that.

geekette, it's not a game. Relationships require nurturing and I don't think the OP needs me to point out that she hasn't been nurturing the one with her DH for whatever reason/s. As for 'standing up to him", since when did speaking your mind in a relationship equate to standing up to someone? Openness and honesty should be pervasive in any worthwhile relationship surely.

You might think that. The OP's DH clearly doesn't. She's been observing this behaviour for 18 years - she's used the word "bullying" herself - he's not up for rational conversation, he plays dirty because to him it is a game. One he must win to maintain his privileged position as head of the household. I don't know where you get it from that the OP has failed to do her part, because it sure doesn't look like that to me. (And I've got a quite well-tuned spoiled princess radar.)

The relationship OP most likely needs to nurture most is the one she has with herself. Living for years as she has done has probably done a hell of a job on her self-esteem.

Going on a course, of her own volition and for her own benefit, is SUCH a healthy thing to be doing in this context.

Openness and honesty should be pervasive in any worthwhile relationship surely.

Exactly! And it isn't, so this isn't.

I also agree that we shouldn't be doing anything that makes OP feel guilty. Too often, women seem to think "I've been stupid/gullible/weak enough to put up with it for XX years, therefore I deserve to be punished. I will punish myself by staying in the unhappy situation because it's all I deserve for being so stupid/gullible/weak".

The OP's husband is a bully, he is not a reasonable person. If he was, then your posts would make sense.

'there is nothing to suggest that you haven't been equally culpable' Pickledsiblings don't think you have been reading the thread, quite frankly. The OP has made all sorts of concessions to her husband's wishes. The husband has not. Not equal culpability at all. And someone who wanted to be the best person he could be would not be behaving like this. The Angel in the House mythology didn't even convince all Victorians, you know. We ought to be well past women having to take responsibility for improving their man's moral character now.

I have read the thread - the OP does sound like a bit of a wimp to me (to use her words) and now that she is finally 'wising up" I just think that she should try to work things out with her DH before planning her escape route.

pickeledsiblings are you the OPS DH. If not i suggest you just worry about how you are going to repair your Tardis.

Escape route?

She wants to go on a course! How in the world is that an escape route or can a woman in a struggling relationship not do something for herself without it being a plan of seperation from the relationship???

How is going on the course and making sure her children are ok regardless of their dad's opinion of this course, not contributing to working on the relationship?

For goodness sake! The relationship has not been nurtured does not imply that the OP has not done all she could in the past 18 years to nurture it. We know nothing of which of the parties involved (OP, partner and children) contributed to the breakdown of the relationship! There is no need to make assumptions on that either!
Guilt tripping the OP on how much she may not have contributed to her relationship in the past based on assumptions is definitey not wise.

The escape route is: course > job > escape, according to the OP.

Now im really suspicious that you are the OPs DH. Would you be calling it an escape route for her dh if HE was the one going away on a course? No of course you wouldnt. Cos women are just suppossed to ignore their own needs and wants arnt they. Pickled siblings its partly because of attitudes like yours and attitudes like the OPS DH shows towards women that i decided not to have children so that a situation like this and the mysogyny that drips from your posts would never happen to me.

If you are the DH or one of the children, pull your head out of your proverbial and listen to what your loved one is saying. She has been an unhappy SAHM for 18 years. She is unhappy, get it??? Possilby getting a training could make her happy. It does not imply that she will leave you! Most of us here are working married mums for goodness sake. I know being involved can make some messages hard to listen to but you guilt tripping her into giving you even more attention isn't going to make things better. They could, on the other hand, get better if she finds a way of being happy with herself.

If you are not a relative, please learn to read and stop making assumptions!!! The OP has no where in her posts implied that getting a job equates to flying the nest!

And before this descends into farce, reevaluating her relationship after her course is sensible and does not imply that she is preparing her "escape". This course is first and foremost for her own personal benefit. Not everyone is a conniving conspiracy theorist (or jumps to simplistic conclusions so quickly)

18 years? Just go!!! If your kids are bright enough to be doing those exams they should damn well be bright enough to get themselves out of bed for said exams.

OP actually said "So I thought I would restart my career, and then re-evaluate how I felt about DH when we were once again on an equal footing." and "DH has some good qualities. I'm just not sure they are enough any more."

Hopefully the course will enable the OP to regain some much needed confidence, to kick-start her career, to give her dc a taste of responsibility and act as a reminder to her DH that she is not an extension of him and his needs but a person in her own right. I hope that in increasing her own happiness the OP is able to feel happier within or without her marriage.

I can't think of any week long course that is that life changing. I do wonder if too much is expected of this very short course.

Pickled sorry but what you've said re the OP is complete bollox