DH blocking my career

[IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl]

I've name changed for this because I'm not certain my DCs don't know my usual nickname, and I don't want them to see this.

I've been a reluctant and unhappy SAHM for 18 years. I was bullied into it the first place by DH who refused to countenance any kind of shared childcare, or indeed taking any responsibility for his DCs at all, apart from the financial.

I've tried to retrain and return to the workplace before, and DH tried to block it by refusing to guarantee he was home by a particular time, and refusing to guarantee he could take time off for courses. When I did go back, he refused to do any domestic work at all, and I gave up in exhaustion after a year.

Now another ten years down the line we're in the same place again. The kids are all teenagers. Two of them are doing public exams this summer. I've been tiptoeing round a very expensive training course for some months, and they called me yesterday offering a huge discount. I discussed it with DH, and he agreed there was nothing on at work, and I booked it.

Today he says "Oh, I might have to go to [insert European country] that week. And in any event, I'll have to be in the office that week." He usually works from home, and hasn't been in the office since Xmas.

If either of these happen, I won't be able to do this course. Somebody needs to be around to make sure the ones doing exams get up on time, that the bus comes, that they get picked up after the exams etc. Once again I feel I can't put myself ahead of the childrens' needs, whereas he doesn't give a toss.

I'm so upset. This was my last big chance to get back to work. We need the money now with three children going to uni in the next few years. I don't understand why he is doing this.

I don't know what to do, nor really what I want from posting. If you ask me why I'm still married to this knob, well I've asked myself that question every single day for about 14 years.

try to organise it without counting on your DH in any way.

How old are your DC? if they are over 12, they really should be able to get themselves to school, make themselves a cheese toastie if hungry, and be o.k.

Being a SAHM sometimes means we mother our children slightly too much (I am guilty of this myself) when really, teenagers can surprise you with their independence....if you give them a chance.

start stepping back a bit now. Let them get up by themselves. Maybe have a "practice day" (don't tell them it is) before the course (asap), where you leave to the library (or anywhere) to study for the day, and they all have to cope by themselves. Then you can evaluate how it went, how they felt, what you all need to think about.

....and buy them alarm clocks

If your dcs are teens, I'd talk with them about it too. Sit down and tell them that you really want to do this, and that it means a lot to you ( and about future money for uni!) and ask how they think you can work out how to make it work if their dad isn't able to help. Not apologetically, with enthusiasm and positively, like you'd want them to approach a problem that needs solving.

I bet they'll be happy to help you.

Do the course. Tell your waste of space dh that if he doesn't get the kids to their exams on time he is letting them and himself down. You need to wrest some control of your life back from this man.

If you are SAHM and he works from home how do you put up with him day in day out? I hate when my dh works from home for any length he drives me mad.

You are still working from the automatic basis that your plans - retirement, savings allocation, etc. - are those of a couple moving forward together into a shared future.

They aren't. You are being shafted left right and centre by a smug entitled bastard, and I think you need to start shifting your perceptions on everything - what resources you 'have' and where they are going to end up being deployed.

'In the event of divorcing this knob-head, you wouldn't be living off your savings, you would be entitled to a decent settlement and almost certainly marital maintenance for a few years to allow you to get your career back on track, in acknowledgement of the fact that you gave it up years ago to support your husband in his. Don't assume anything about your financial position without taking advice!'

This.

He has sabotaged every life opportunity you have fought for, in order to keep you down so that HIS life is easier, that everything is arranged to HIS satisfaction.

When your children are adults with families of your own, is this the face you want to have to stare at, resentfully, and carry on not having sex with and doing housework for, until you die?

Don't end up even resenting the happy lives your children will move away and have because you continued to put them 'first' even to the point of creating a hideous life for yourself. They won't thank you for that OR benefit from it.

Confirm the course.
Go and see a solicitor and find out what would happen with finances if you split.
Start thinking solo. It's what he has done for your entire marriage, and it has entirely shafted you for your whole adult life.

"It's not even as if I'm a good SAHM. The house is a tip. I hate housework, and we don't have sex."

i feel very for you that these are the things you think are the purpose of a SAHM.

Just book the course, book taxis for the DCs for the days of the exams, so you have a peaceful mind.

Tell him what is happening, dont ask.

Re expecting him to be av. for courses etc, my husband couldnt do that, and he is as hands on a dad as they come, it just isnt that simple with work as saying I need a,b,c days off, even a year in advance sometimes.

Large numbers of parents manage to both work with teenage kids. My parents both worked when I was a teenager. I would be having an angry talk about his obstructiveness and the fact that it does make you re-evaluate the relationship as you feel he sses you as an inferior partner in the marriage. Kids can cycle to school, get a bus, walk or if it's just for 1 week you could even hire a taxi to get them to and from school.
You'll have to stop mollycoddling your teenagers though. My kids get a bus to school in the mornings but have spare money for other buses/ taxis in emergencies. Your husband can wake them up in the mornings if you are away for the week, although if they are old enough for exams they should be old enough to set an alarm clock.
It's their futures they muck up if they miss the exams. They have to start taking an interest and responsibility for their stuff. You aren't asking them to do anything that many of their friends won't already be doing.

Oh and you do understand why he is doing this.

He likes his woman at home, barefoot, cooking his meals and washing his socks.
He has no respect for you and doesn't give a shiney shite that you are unhappy.

See that solicitor.

Post , that's a good idea to talk to the DCs, and enlist their support. I think that will flummox DH too. I need to find out their exam timetable too - which they know now.

Albertswearengen it drives me mad having him around all the time. Especially as he keeps coming into my room and asking me to do another little shit job, like I'm his PA or something.

I'm also going to book a weekend with my DSis, who's been wanting me to come and stay for 6 months now, and DH keeps just sucking air in through his teeth and saying "Oh well... DC2 won't be able to go to his sport. DD will miss her activity..." until I'm guilt tripped into not going. Of course if he had to work the weekend, I'd manage to fit it all in, so I know he's manipulating me. Somehow I manage to fall for it every time.

Time to stop that isn't it?

Although I agree with everyone that teens ought to be capable of doing these things, if you've always been around to help, I can see that you would feel dreadful leaving them if it is the actual week that some of their exams are happening.

Could you do the course at any other time?

If not, ship everyone in to help and provide cover for your dc, and explain to them that you need to do this, as soon they'll be off living their own lives, and you need to re-build yours! Do you have a mother/sister/friend who would be on standby to move in if your other half does have to go abroad? I'm sure it would be do-able - it just getting strong organisation in place.

Good luck.

Come on OP.

Do it.

Take a hard look at your kids. They are not stupid. They may be off to uni before long- if they dont start toi manage themselves now, when will they.

Make a good typed list of what they have to do, and how to manage in an emergency. If you can or it helps, hire some morning help in for the breakfast or tea slot. Leave money for taxis and takeaways, and

say they can spend it on themsleves if they get the bus.

As you know, with that incentive, they will be up with the lark!

My 25 yr old went to uni at just 18, and was stunned by the non copers who had never had any real prior responsibility. You kids will cope just fine.

leave your DH out of the equation - he doesn;t want to help and will almost certainly let you down if you rely on him.

Now what is really stopping you? If you are really committed and want to do this course then you will. It is only a week. You have money in the bank - pay for some help. It's a short term outlay but you'll get the long term financial benefits.

Sometimes we sub-consciously put obsticles in our own way because we are a bit afraid. Don't be - just get out there and do it!

Good luck and let us know how you get on!

Yr husband is a cunt but I think you should put off doing the course. When will it run again? It's such an important week for yr children who have been your life's work. I think they'll need yr support if they are doing A levels or gcse's. Your h is a bollox tho. Find out when the course is running again and see if you can change onto it.

You have to do the course. It's important for your esteem, for your future and to show your DC that the mother is an equal person who counts in a family.

You can book taxis to get them there 30 mins early. If it doesn't show, they can walk and still be there in time. They'll be ok!

(and your H sounds like a total arse)

If you were completely honest with your dsis, do you think she would come over for the week of the course? I know I would if it would enable my sister to rebuild her life and not be worrying whilst away from home.

Are you saying that if you go away for the weekend your DH would refuse to take your children to their activities? Unbe-f*cking-lievable.

Nothing new to add, just my support, but I wanted to quote this:

'Sit down with your H and DCs. Tell them that you will be doing the course over xx period and will not be available to be an alarm clock, taxi etc. Ask your H in front of the DCs to confirm that he will be available to transport them about for their exams etc.'

Call your husband's bluff. And remember your teenagers are not helpless kids. Time-keeping, transporting yourself around, and food shopping/cooking are all life skills that they need and that they won't get or keep good jobs without.

Oh, and by the way, when your husband next comes in and asks you to do his PA work, say 'no'.

And anyway, you will be showing them another lesson, as they are not stupid and will have gathered more than you think about your relationship.

You will be showing them that they can resist being controlled by others in life, and they will believe this, as they will have finally seen you do it.

DrDWt, I have realised that my whole mistake was to go into this marraige wanting to please him, while he went into it wanting to please himself. It was my downfall withing the first few months of being together, although I rationalised it away.

Thank you everyone for your help and thoughtful posts - I haven't managed to mention everyone by name, even though you all deserve it.

I've gone through the exam timetable a few times with my teens so know how you feel BUT it is completely achievable. Work out the schedule and discuss with the teens, I bet they will surprise you.

Your fear is that they miss an exam - really that so unlikely to happen. I think you need to de-risk the situation, literally put in place contingency plans for what you see are the risks.

Essentially you just have to get your teen onboard and it will be fine. He can only hamstring your career if you let him.

Tribpot, Dsis lives 4 hours away, works, has a primary school aged child, and a DH with mental health problems. I can't ask her.

Parents are in late 80s and infirm, other Dsis works full time, and has DCs.

And don't do any type of PA activities for him, ever! He won't do a thing to help you so tell him to piss off.

You have a right to a life and interests as well. I am divorced and sometimes when the kids are with either me or their dad they do miss things they want to do at a weekend because either their dad or I have things we want to do. We all have hobbies, adults interests don't have to take a backseat to kids' ones, the only exception is team matches which do take priority.
If your kids are going with you to their aunts they'll do other stuff instead of their activities, if they stay with their dad he can take them or give them money for buses, let them cycle to activities.
Why don't you tell your husband to do his own little shit jobs and to stop ordering you around? Some women choose to work in partnership with their husbands but if you haven't then tell him that. If he's at home most of the time I'm not sure what has really held you back from doing what you want.
Your marriage does sound doomed though as you haven't given him any positive qualities. If it is doomed you'll need to start earning money so get on that course. Start viewing yourself as a divorced woman whose kids will need to sort themselves out whilst she works, or make childcare arrangements.

i would do as others suggest.

sit down with the whole family and tell them that you will be on a course that week and that between the four of them they will have to arrange and agree on how they will all get to school on time for exams. if your DH says he is taking nothing to do with it and you really feel your dcs will struggle then i would get copies of all their exam timetables, print of quite a few copies of each and ask as many friends/family as you would be comfortable with to meet you one evening as you need their help. whoever comes, tell them what is happening and give them all a copy of the timetables. ask them if they think they would be able to help with lifts for any of the exams and if so write their name down beside which 'lift' they can do. but make it clear that no-one should feel under pressure to help and you wont be offended at all if they cant.

I think this is the perfect opportunity to have a life for YOURSELF after however long it has been. That doesn't equate to letting down your children, you can still support them by bringing them into the organisation and setting up plans and contingency plans, as everyone has said.

This is the wake up call that you have probably needed for some time now, so I think you should see it for the opportunity that it is to make some much needed changes in your lives and to prepare your teens for the wider world that awaits them.

(And a bloody big wake up call for your decidedly un-D sounding H......)

Good luck, and go for it! How exciting!