DH blocking my career

[IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl]

I've name changed for this because I'm not certain my DCs don't know my usual nickname, and I don't want them to see this.

I've been a reluctant and unhappy SAHM for 18 years. I was bullied into it the first place by DH who refused to countenance any kind of shared childcare, or indeed taking any responsibility for his DCs at all, apart from the financial.

I've tried to retrain and return to the workplace before, and DH tried to block it by refusing to guarantee he was home by a particular time, and refusing to guarantee he could take time off for courses. When I did go back, he refused to do any domestic work at all, and I gave up in exhaustion after a year.

Now another ten years down the line we're in the same place again. The kids are all teenagers. Two of them are doing public exams this summer. I've been tiptoeing round a very expensive training course for some months, and they called me yesterday offering a huge discount. I discussed it with DH, and he agreed there was nothing on at work, and I booked it.

Today he says "Oh, I might have to go to [insert European country] that week. And in any event, I'll have to be in the office that week." He usually works from home, and hasn't been in the office since Xmas.

If either of these happen, I won't be able to do this course. Somebody needs to be around to make sure the ones doing exams get up on time, that the bus comes, that they get picked up after the exams etc. Once again I feel I can't put myself ahead of the childrens' needs, whereas he doesn't give a toss.

I'm so upset. This was my last big chance to get back to work. We need the money now with three children going to uni in the next few years. I don't understand why he is doing this.

I don't know what to do, nor really what I want from posting. If you ask me why I'm still married to this knob, well I've asked myself that question every single day for about 14 years.

I agree with everyone above. It is time for your children to become more independent, and this will give you the incentive.
FWIW, my 2 DDs, now 18 and 15, have been using public transport to get to school and back since yr 7, including on exam days. DD1 has also had to look after DS (5) one evening a week for a couple of hours for the last 2 years, and DD2 is now starting to do the same. Without this, I would not be able to continue working (work has just increased my late finishes to 2 nights a week!) and they know this. DD1 has at times had to collect DS from nursery on the bus.
I work 1 hours drive away. Nothing has ever happened.
And, of course, my taxi abilities are limited- they get around by bus/train. They arrange to stay over if they can't get home, or arrange their own lifts. If they don't do that, they don't go out.
Go, get out there and get a life for yourself- it is your time now!

Your DH sounds like a real piece of work OP, but surely he wouldn't watch his own kids miss their exams to punish you? How cruel is he?

And what everybody else said. I grew up in the 1980's when there were no mobile phones, no disposable income, and both my parents constantly busy with work and social lives.

We were able to fend for ourselves very well. If your kids haven't had to learn these skills yet, don't worry. They will learn them easily. But there has to be an incentive ie you don't just do everything for them.

Your kids have money and mobile phones. You're laughing, really.

Oh ffs! Why are these guys so utterly, irredeemably stupid?

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Or just respond, "oh we'll, if you don't care, I'll go with sis instead." don't get drawn in to playing his silly games, it's time wasting and uses up energy and brain power you can put to much better use in other ways.

Have fun.

Oh OP, he is a tosser. And he will ramp up the manipulative stupid baby-ish hurt behaviour, so get all those contingency plans in place and PLEASE go see a SHL (or two).....

This is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Just a thought, rather than leaving money for them for a taxi, I know that it used to be possible to set up an account with a local taxi company. This may be a better option (and perhaps one you want to keep going for the older teens should they every get stuck). That way you don't need to worry about whether they have the cash on them or not, they can just phone up and order the taxi and the bill comes through to you as agreed with the company.

yes prepay taxi with joint cc

There are some VERY good counter-TWAT tactics being suggested here!

You can do this, your DC can do this. We'll be here for you every step of the way. However this thing turns out. ((HUGS))

LOVIN' your work on this thread scottishmummy

My god, your relationship with your DH sounds like my parent's relationship. My dad sabotaged my Mum's attempts to go back to work, he wanted her at home for us and besides, he earned a really good wage and could afford to keep her. She assumed that they would have a nice, comfortable retirement together. She lost all her identity, we were her life, but once we had more or less left home, he decided that she wasn't really the woman he wanted to be with anymore, so he divorced her.
He started a new relationship fairly quickly, could afford to take early retirement, have nice holidays, etc. Mum ended up working full time, until she was 65 and watching every penny, so that she could pay as much as possible into her pension.
Please don't do that to yourself, OP.

Sounds like the course would be a better investment in your future than the weekend anyway!

He is being petty and trying to make you toe the line.

If you are really worried, maybe the dc could each go to stay with a trusted friend/family.

I wouldn't hesitate to have a friend's child stay if their mum was away.

Do your course.
See your sister.
Get the kids to lead independent lives. It sounds like you have brought them up well, they'll be happy to learn self management, time management, a bit of leadership (and how to stand up for themselves) .

And get ready for the big kid to throw his toys out of the pram. I think he hasn't even started throwing a tantrum yet and the lengths he might go to will be surprising. Just be prepared. It might all calm down and he might grow up... the risk being he might not or you capitulate because you can't stand it and it all goes back to the way it was before, just with more poison added.

I walked home from my a level exams and went to the pub with my mates and cooked my mothers dinner. She worked full time. Your children should be perfectly capable of coping. If they aren't it's time to change things. You're doing them no favours by running around after them at their age.

Your husbands actions prove you being a sahm all these years has had NOTHING to do with what was best for the children and everything to do with keeping you dependent and beholden so you would be too afraid to leave him. If he had been a supportive encouraging life partner you wouldn't be considering leaving now. Oh the irony. (he won't see it like that btw. He will tell people he supported you to stay at home while the children were small and as soon as they flew the nest you dumped him and stole half his pension).

Chubfuddler, a rather wry from me for that last sentence.

Anyway, discussed kids timetables, and A leveller has no exams that week. GCSE-er has 3 days in that week with an exam starting at 8:50, and 2 days with nothing.

I think we can manage that! And DSis is looking forward to seeing me!

Brilliant. Then elder child can play alarm click for younger child (for pecuniary reward if necessary).

I really hope you enjoy your course, and the weekend with your sister.

Have a wonderful weekend, OP, and I hope your course is interesting and inspiring and a big step towards rewarding times! You really ought to be proud of yourself, you know. I hope you are. I bet your kids will be.

good plan!
and start to up the kids responsibilities and chores
so when you return to work they are more independent

and i really do mean it
1.emphasise to your children dont be emotionally or financially beholden to another adult
2.and you begin to reframe your thinking,being mum doesnt mean doing everything for the kids

you need to change your name now idontwannabeastupidgirl. you're no pushover.

If you're worried about them oversleeping, then phone them each morning. I do this if I'm ever away - and frequently call them from the car on my way to work to nag remind them about things. Probably don't need to as they're quite dependable, but it makes me feel better.
I also have to do the same for dh

Another idea may be to let them have a sleepover with friends who are also doing the exams. They can revise together the night before, and if they are with a reliable parent, you can be sure they will be up on time.

Your DCs need to get in the habit of getting themselves up and off to school in the mornings. They can start now and by the time you are on your course, they will be in the routine. Often, by the time exams begin, they only have to go in for the exams anyway, so, even though I work P/T and was used to getting my DCs up for school/college, during the exam period, often they didn't have to go in until later on and I had to leave them to it. If they are intending on going to university, they will HAVE to be able to sort themselves out won't they? One of my DCs has a well deserved reputation for being a heavy sleeper whose ideal wouldbe to spend 23 hours a day asleep. I was so worried about how they would cope at university, but they have never missed a single lecture or been late. Your DCs will cope, honestly, they will.

As for your H, well, what can I say that hasn't already been said by almost everybody else? He really is punishing you for having a mind of your own isn't he. You mentioned in one of your posts that you thought things might be better ' when we were once again on an equal footing.' From what you have said throughout this thread, it doesn't sound to me as though you have ever been on an equal footing with him, at least in his eyes. I don't have any advice to add to what has already been said, but I do wish you the strength and luck you need to move your life forward as you deserve to.

You've had brilliant advice and I wish you all the luck with your course (and a great weekend with your sister).

Like someone upthread mentioned, I had to spend several times (days at a time, different country) with my aging parents taking care of them during illness. My son was 15 - 17 at the time (am a SP) and it was a fantastic opportunity for him to take control of his own life, getting to school on time

I think you sound like a wonderful mother who has always put her children first. My mother was like that too, but in truth by the time I was 16 or so I was starting to itch to be more independent - I wanted to try things like cooking for myself, looking after myself for a bit... But it never happened because it just wasn't our family dynamic. In many ways I think I ended up going out into the world much less capable than I could have been.

Can the DC doing the GSCE's not cadge a lift with you in the morning as you go to the course? They might be in school early, but I think mine opened at half seven or something ridiculous so they wouldn't be standing outside. Leaves a bit of time for last minute cramming in the study hall and gives you some peace of mind that they've got there ok. Alternatively you could get them both an alarm clock and set up a taxi account- taxi firms make account bookings priority, so it's unlikely they'd be stranded. Oooh I hope you beast this course!!!!

Three days of morning exams for the 16YO sounds eminently doable, with the 18YO supervising. If you leave them stuff in the fridge and freezer they can feed themselves too. They'll probably enjoy the independence.

The 16YO must get to the bus on time. If it doesn't come for some reason then make sure they have the phone number of the taxi firm (and cash with them). Also they should have the school phone number on their mobile (which must be charged every night) so they can ring up and explain where they are.

Getting home isn't an issue as the exam is done. They could even walk if there is no lift or taxi.

I hope it all works out and you enjoy the course. The children will be very proud of you getting back out there.

Of course DH might be useful- but don't rely on him at all. Have it all planned.