DH blocking my career

[IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl]

I've name changed for this because I'm not certain my DCs don't know my usual nickname, and I don't want them to see this.

I've been a reluctant and unhappy SAHM for 18 years. I was bullied into it the first place by DH who refused to countenance any kind of shared childcare, or indeed taking any responsibility for his DCs at all, apart from the financial.

I've tried to retrain and return to the workplace before, and DH tried to block it by refusing to guarantee he was home by a particular time, and refusing to guarantee he could take time off for courses. When I did go back, he refused to do any domestic work at all, and I gave up in exhaustion after a year.

Now another ten years down the line we're in the same place again. The kids are all teenagers. Two of them are doing public exams this summer. I've been tiptoeing round a very expensive training course for some months, and they called me yesterday offering a huge discount. I discussed it with DH, and he agreed there was nothing on at work, and I booked it.

Today he says "Oh, I might have to go to [insert European country] that week. And in any event, I'll have to be in the office that week." He usually works from home, and hasn't been in the office since Xmas.

If either of these happen, I won't be able to do this course. Somebody needs to be around to make sure the ones doing exams get up on time, that the bus comes, that they get picked up after the exams etc. Once again I feel I can't put myself ahead of the childrens' needs, whereas he doesn't give a toss.

I'm so upset. This was my last big chance to get back to work. We need the money now with three children going to uni in the next few years. I don't understand why he is doing this.

I don't know what to do, nor really what I want from posting. If you ask me why I'm still married to this knob, well I've asked myself that question every single day for about 14 years.

My Y6 (11 yo) is up dressed and nagging her useless Mother to get her to school on time every morning.

They will cope.

I having been a perfectly willing SAHM for 14 years, but it's now wearing thin and I want more in my life, so I understand where you are coming from.

Don't be like my Mum and let your DH keep you at home forever.

My parents have a very good marriage, but DDad is a traditionalist and never encouraged Dmum to work after I was a toddler and they moved away from GP and child care.

I know this might seem a bit trite and of course, there will always be a reason with this guy (who incidentally i think you should leave) but is there anyway you can do the course at a later date? Push them to apply the discount to another course date? They will be reluctant but if its that or lose your bum on the seat completely they may well consider. Do it at a time when it wont affect the children then anything that your arsewipe of a husband does to try and put a spanner in the works wont matter. I know that doesnt' address the real issue of him being a controlling cunt, but by saying, oh, its ok then i'll do the course at this time, rather than not doing it all then he will be stumped.

I do think the children COULD sort themselves out, but it is an important time for them and for things to suddenly change at that time would be a bad thing, but maybe they do need to start being a bit more independant too?

Don't feel guilty for wanting a life outside the home, OP. Your husband has one, your children have one and you deserve one. You're allowed to look after yourself.

How about having a free half hour with an shl (shit-hot lawyer) to find out what would be the likely value of a financial settlement in the event of divorce? You don't have to act on it, just for information. It would give you confidence that you would be able to cope on the financial front.

The other thing is that your dc will be aware of how he treats you, and noticed the contrast with the parents of their friends. The really good thing is that they don't seem to have copied his behaviour from what you have posted.

I would go on the course and plan for it as if I was a lone parent. So book taxis. Explain to the taxi firm that it is to get dcs there for exams. IME taxi firms prioritise taxis if they have a problem so if the know it is for something impoirtant, they will prioritise it and be there.

Phone your kids to make sure they are awake and up. Would only take a few minutes.

You could pay for a childminder to come in before and after school for a week. Leave money for takeaways or ready made frozen meals for microwave, oven. Pay for a cleaning firm to come in for 1 thorough cleaning session before you get home.

You have money so pay for the help. And don't consult your DH, just do it. You know that he has tried to control you for a long time using your own guilt, so don't let him do ity.

And do go to your sisters. You could even use this time as a dry run to see how well booked taxis to activities, etc work for your dcs. But ignore any calls to you about domestic emergencies.

very good idea from tb.

See lots of great comments already so I'll just add my thoughts. Forget divorce/separation for now, that is a bigger fish to tackle. As for the kids, sit them down and explain what you are doing and then organise taxis for the exams. Nothing major will happen if your away- lots of parents both work and go through exams and the kids survive. It will do your kids good to see you setting the right example and putting education and personal development as a priority. Unless you stand up for yourself and set the right example how can you expect your dh and your dc to respect you (and not treat you like a taxi service). And if you and h do separate you will need the self comfidence that this course will give you to get through it. Really it's not that big a thing for the kids. When I was in primary school both my parents worked and I had to get to and from school by myself and I managed and nothing happened (ok locked myself out one day and spent a wet and miserable 2 hrs in the garage I had to break into while waiting for parents to come home :) didn't do me any harm though and I never locked myself out again!) good luck with the course and don't let anything stop you

elephant is right, you need to TELL your family what is happening, you mustn't fall into the trap of effectively asking for their permission to do it......

He hasn't always been at home, 2rebecca, only for the last 18 months or so - and the foreseeable future.

At first I thought I was too old to go back to work and get a job doing anything interesting. Then I realised how mad it was driving me, being stuck at home all day, and that I needed to at least try and get back to some sort of career. Plus this last year has seen the children grow up a lot. DS1 had a difficult time a couple of years ago, and could have gone completely off the rails.

DH has some good qualities. I'm just not sure they are enough any more.

And you know, if I'd stayed at work 10 years ago (it was childcare issues that tipped me over the brink) it would have been like this all the time. Every time a child was ill, or there was some kind of domestic emergency, it would've been me who had to deal with it. Somehow, although he has worked at for a lot of different companies, they have ALL been completely inflexible about taking time off, starting late or finishing early. Whereas everywhere I have worked has been flexible.

Look, in the long run you have to do this (do the course, get back to work, become independent whether you stay or go), but only you know whether you can manage to just leave them all to it for this particular week, knowing that the DC have exams and that DH will do all he can to sabotage it all. It's not a failure if you decide that you won't get the maximum out of the course if you do it that week as you won't be able to give it 100% of your attention. Do you think they'd allow you to postpone?

I don't see the point of deferring the course, he will just find some other way to scupper it. There will always be something.

Am sure that somehow the children can cobble together a hotchpotch of taxi rides, nights at school friends' houses, their own steam and get to their exams. Second the advice about seeing a good family lawyer too.

It sounds to me OP that he has ground you down so much that you have got yourself into a negative mindset and are putting up obstacles yourself when none are there.

Dare I also say that, after all this time as SAHM, it's hard to face that the kids will be fine without youfor a week - like the only thing you felt good about is being taken away :(

There are tonnes of good suggestiins of how you can do this. Do it. Or you will find yourself, 10 years down the line, with the kids left home and even more resentment

Go on the course, let kids walk, take their bikes (get them some) or book taxis.

They are not children anymore.

And dump them on oh if necessary. As he is doing with you.

And tell family.

Do NOT let him bully you.

tb, I'd like to save my half hour with a shl for further down the line, if it goes that way.

We are fortunate financially. If we separated I would be able to buy my own house. It's more that money would be spent on me that otherwise would be available for the DCs, either to pay off student loans, or help them get on the housing ladder.

You have all given me confidence to carry on and do the course, and that the difficulties I am seeing can be overcome.

Why don't you use the trip to sisters as a trial run? After all if it fell apart it is not at a crucial time. And if it works that would give you confidence that it would work when the dcs have exams.

Just be careful of DH phoning with any manufactured domestic emergencies. I would get your sister to screen calls as an outsider will have a better handle on what really is an emergency and what is manipulation.

God he sounds awful, please do your course and start putting yourself first! You ARE worthy, your needs ARE important and it's about time they were considered.

Plan for him not helping or even actively trying to sabotage, get your kids involved, tell them you need their support. I second the advice to sit them and your DH down and TELL them what is happening and what you need them to do.

You need to take control now.

What Thistledew and Doc said with knobs on. Put these two excellent posts together and do what they suggest.
Been there got the tee-shirt - but got the qualification, too.
p.s. the kids will howl and wail, but that is just what teenagers do. It does not mean that they are not up to it. Trust them, if not, and especially not, the complete tosser your DH

I can't postpone Bramshott. The conditions of the discount specify that I have to forego any cancellation or rescheduling rights.

"It sounds to me OP that he has ground you down so much that you have got yourself into a negative mindset and are putting up obstacles yourself when none are there" CurrySpice, that is just about right.

I very much doubt that they have been that inflexible about him taking time off.

It's he who is inflexible.

You must start thinking solo. In every sense. What you eventually decide to do will come in time - but the most important shift I think you must make now (and you are making it already, you're too intelligent not to, it's happening on its own) is to start mapping things out as if you are a solo entity.

This is why you shoudl see a solicitor, even if right now you have no intention of leaving. Personally, I think you will leave, and will do very well. But to do that you need your career. Now is the time. Your children are nigh on independent and you need to strike NOW or you will miss the boat.

The solo woman simply has to do this course, and would concentrate now on arranging and paying for cover to make sure the DC are facilitated. NOT necessarily hand-held. Oh, and I suppose it wouldn't do any harm to make it clear at that family meeting that you are arranging taxis and assistance from friends/childminders because your smug lazy twat of an H is refusing to take on responsibility for his own home and family. A little embarrassment might go a long way.

Sorry haven't read the full thread, but your teenagers should be more than capable of getting themselves off to exams.

DS cycled to school for his exams last summer because dh and I buggered off on holiday for a week.

He didn't have a party, nor did he miss any exams or starve to death.

Treat your teenagers as adults and they'll act like them.

So far as your dh is concerned, get yourself over to the Legal section where several shit hot lawyers will give you advice for free

About the half hour - there are lots of solicitors, and lots of half hours to be had.

A friend of mine made sure she utilised several, some precisely in order to give her the encouragement to put plans into place for her future life in the same way that you are doing now.

It also helped in that, once they started to divorce, he found that no local good family solicitor was available to him, as she'd taken advice from several of them and therefore they could not act for him

I seconded the advice about the solicitor not to start actioning anything at all just yet but for a sort of shot in the arm.

Go to the course. It's just logistics, and they can be sorted. And remember that your DCs are not just learning in school, they are learning lessons at home. Show by example that women's priorities matter too, that they deserve a shot at living up to their potential.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Restricting your freedom is a key feature of abuse. Please call women's aid and talk to someone about it. This is setting a really bad example for your DCs. You wouldn't want them thinking this is ok would you?