Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do any of you actually trust your husbands?

214 replies

Buckfollocks · 17/04/2012 19:56

Just been reading some 'I think he's cheating on me/sleeping with escorts' threads and am wondering if (and how) any of you can actually trust your husbands?

The statistics are pretty daunting regarding number of men who have slept around, either with escorts or affair/one night stands.

How do youa ll get through it? I am having a relationship crisis on the trust front at the moment and would appreciate any advice......

TIA

OP posts:
FluffStar · 17/04/2012 22:30

That's true.

Maybe reading the worst side of relationships here has just made me a bit cynical. I should stick to Chat!

AnyFucker · 17/04/2012 22:30

OP, if you can face it, start a new thread tomorrow

this thread is just going to get filled with stuff that isn't going to help you

you need some specific advice about your specific situation

I am also concerned that you have decided to make yourself "get over it" before you have even discovered exactly what he has done. Hence, he will give you some pathetic guff, you will be so keen to swallow it so you can "get back to normal" and bingo your status in this relationship down.the.toilet.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2012 22:32

cross posted with you there, OP

ok, I will back off

like I said, I am really very sorry

Buckfollocks · 17/04/2012 22:36

Anyfucker i wouldn't know where to begin with another thread - all the anti porn/escorts brigade will come out all guns blazing. What I want to knwo is how the hell am I going to get through the next few months of my pregnancy and even of I do confront him how will I ever know the truth.

I truly envy people who seem to have such trusting relationships and mentalities, believe me I would rather not be hacking his emails like a nutter.

My brother has recently gone through a divorce and I think it would finish my parents off - not that it matters in the long term I know but I just cant think straight right now.

OP posts:
Buckfollocks · 17/04/2012 22:38

Anyfucker - please don't back off - I value your advice, I've seen your posts on other threads.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2012 22:41

love, in the short term it may appear easier to sweep this under the carpet

in the long term, it will fuck you up

I couldn't ever find a way to stay with a man who did this to his pg wife, so I will wish you well and be on my way x

AnyFucker · 17/04/2012 22:47

BF, there is a lovely poster (much lovelier than what wot I am) who will be able to give you good advice. Her user name is fiventhree, have you seen her posts about the place ?

sternface · 17/04/2012 22:48

Well maybe you need to hear from the anti-porn and anti-men-paying-for-sex brigade, as you nearly call them.

You can get through this pregnancy, but you won't enjoy it knowing that you're trapping yourself into staying with a man you can't trust and you assume will lie to you. You can pretend that he was just looking, you can pretend he never met anyone and won't in the future.

But you'll never get rid of that nagging instinct that you are selling yourself and any children you have down the river, because you didn't value yourself enough to get out when you could.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2012 22:51

I am so very sorry, BF, are you there on your own ? No-one you can call ? (we cross posted again, btw, so I am not going anywhere just yet)

Portofino · 17/04/2012 22:54

Jeez - just saw the way this thread went. OP - please listen to AF. She is who I want on speed dial if my relationship ever goes tits up. I have seen her advice for quite a few years and she is never wrong. Sorry. (((hugs))))

Maryz · 17/04/2012 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jolyonsmummy · 17/04/2012 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2012 23:01

You still there, BF ?

Trickle · 17/04/2012 23:20

I'm sorry BF I missed your post about his online activities, it was me who said relationships are a compromise and some people choose to compromise fidelity. An open relationship is usually something both parties agree to and set down very specific rules as to how it will work - there is usually consent and mutual respect between parties. The people I know compromising fidelity with partners who cheat on them are in difficult circumstances. I know a lady who got together with a serial cheat (she didn't know at the time) who suffered badly with post natal depression and who needs him for both emotional and financial security (or thinks she does) the first she doesn't get the second she does.

You are pregnant and wether you want to be or not are more vulnerable becasue of it. It's hard to offer advice in such a complicated situation, it's a really personal decision what you do next, what you can live with and what you need from a relationship. Whatever you do don't compromise your own emotional wellbeing or that of your unborn baby by trying to to live with something you really can't. Whatever you decide there is always a way to solve the problems that will be thrown up as long as you keep yourself healthy and your relationships healthy. Without that you will always have something to stress you and something to regret.

garlicnutter · 18/04/2012 00:44

I've been thinking about you all evening, BF. I was a bit scared to post because of your evident (and justified) fear of your predicament, so I was glad to see AF here. I trust her, no probs Grin

I hope you will start another thread. In the meantime, here's a (slightly) shorter version of what I'd like to have discussed if you were in my house tonight!

I hear your insecurity, anxiety and desperate desire to be 'wrong'. Just thinking about it brings back the awful, howling vortex of doubt, which I've felt too often. I remember it while pregnant, too. It seemed unbearable.

So I completely understand your need for it all to go away; for the two-and-a-half of you to get back to normal.

But you know that 'normal' has gone. You didn't break it, he did.
Hardest thing, then: Face this simple but important fact.

People do not contact escorts on a whim. Either they habitually contact escorts or have been thinking about it for some time, then decided to go ahead.
They might, conceivably, do it while off their face but, actually, a man with no tendencies that way wouldn't. In any case, you've covered that - he was calm and sober.

Unless you have a steady history of paranoid mistrust or possessiveness, possibly even a psych diagnosis, you can trust your instincts. Feeling "irrationally" mistrustful IS rational! It's not magic, it's the outcome of real observations that you have stored unconsciously.
It was rational to snoop his email, and you knew it or you wouldn't have done it.

He's gone behind your back. He's insulted your relationship. He's changed your future. He did those things.
What you can do now is take back your share of the power. Don't commit yourself and your baby to a life of doubts.
I hope you'll start a thread to get Mumsnet's finest working on that with you!

Queenofcake · 18/04/2012 00:52

Its one thing to trust your partner/husband in life but to say that you KNOW they will NEVER EVER cheat is another matter imo.

We all change. Life evolves and our relationships evolve. Anyone assuming they can 100% KNOW that their OH will NEVER EVER cheat on them is probably at the highest risk of becoming complacent and just that actually happening.

Thats just my opinion. None of us know what is around the corner.

OhdearNigel · 18/04/2012 00:56

100%

PerryCombover · 18/04/2012 01:05

I do and what's the point in not trusting him. It won't change the outcome

mumblechum1 · 18/04/2012 07:46

Perry good point; unless there is a clear reason not to trust one's husband, I think the default would be to do so.

fiventhree · 18/04/2012 08:09

Hi Buckfollocks

I am a lot less lovely since I found out, despite wot AF says!

So, what do you have?

  • evidence he registered with a dating site.
  • evidence that he is looking to pay escorts
  • a general feeling of distrust
-moved house, feeling isolated, no doubt some of his general behaviour has eroded your self esteem and you havnt even noticed, as you are feeling so tired and foggy.

Yes, that was me too. Oh, and recently jobless, after years of a good career.

People said to me on my first thread (sadly deleted), what more evidence do you need? I simply could not get my head around that advice. Look at most of the threads on here re this sort of thing- I would say 75% of women see it this way.

But I can see it now, and it is right.

It is not normal for a man to register on a dating site or seek escorts when his wife is pregnant, is it? Regardless of what he has or has not yet done, it indicates an intention, and a snapshot of how he sees things at the moment.

My kids are 11-16, and I can promise you that even when they never know a thing about it, living in this situation is very damaging to their self esteem.

I had a thread on 23 January you might want to look at.

Also, start a new thread, and pm me if you want to.

amillionyears · 18/04/2012 08:53

Buckfollocks, very sorry for your predicament.I think your problem is so much worse because of the timing of it all.How might it be if you told him of your suspisions.Any chance do you think that he may back off what he is doing or thinking to do, till you are a bit more settled.To give you some breathing space?
Ignore me if that is of no help whatsoever.

signet2012 · 18/04/2012 09:23

I trust because I have no reason not too. I can't be doing with the worry and constantly scrutinising. I trust my dP however I'm realistic that everyone makes mistakes. If the trust was broken then I think that would be a deal breaker for me.

fiventhree · 18/04/2012 09:40

Agree with that.

On the other hand, I never ever checked and am most certainly not paranoid or clingy. But once I did suspect, and rightly, and could simply not get proof, I was a paranoid detective like wreck on and off for 5 years. And even then, I had months and months where I decided to believe him, and stopped checking.

I do wish I had been less gullible, and also now think that it really is true that the first instinct is probably right. I know I just kept using so called intelligence to over power instinct, and also took far too much into account the type of man my h was- who even now nobody would have thought capable of such deceit.

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/04/2012 09:48

OP - hope you will start a new thread in order to get the support you obviously need.

Everyone else - I trusted my H 100%, he wasn't the type, as a child he suffered when his father left his family for OW, he was a devoted hands on father, we have been together for 23 years, is too tired/busy for anything else not related to work or family.

And yet last year I found out that not only has he been using porn in secret for some years but also had an affair for 15 months with a very old female friend.

I think blind trust is unwise - I found that I was squashing tiny seedlings of doubt because I could not believe my H was capable of such deceit.

landphil · 18/04/2012 10:19

yes. Far too much unfounded suspicions on mumsnet ( not meaning you, OP).