Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Coffee, you're online! I've been having a few problems too. Yup parenting class is good - it's great for helping to recognise which aspects of parenting I find easy and which make me uncomfortable. I grew up in a house of nothing but boundaries, which makes it hard for me to set normal, healthy boundaries - I tend to be totally 'guard up' or have no boundaries at all, and find it veeerrry hard to find a good middle ground!

Dotty, I can see your worry, but your friend is an adult and she can take these factors into consideration. Let her know that you know it would be a long way for her to come, a long time to be there and a difficult thing to go through, but if you would like her support, let her decide if she's willing to take on the journey and the time commitment for you.

haha Berts it's madness, I did see Cailin doing an ER stat of emergency on someone but that was hours ago, not stalking honest, op was about everybody hates me etc.

Cailin you're really funny. Thats what I was trying to say, even the best person has moans, doesn't make you a bitch, yo no-mal beatch :o meant to be funny apolos if not

Thanks coffee :)

I'm lucky that DH is a very very even-tempered person. He never gets upset or annoyed about anything really so he doesn't fuel my irrational thoughts. I know that if he ever had a go at me about something I'd either say something very nasty back to him or I would just crumble. I think he senses that and so is very careful about what he says. Not to the extent that he doesn't say how he feels, more that he's very aware that even a throw away slightly nasty comment could get to me.

I can't say I've always been as considerate towards him :(

Anyway, onwards and upwards. I am aware of all this shit now which is half the battle. I just need to get on with the other half :)

I'm like that with pmt. I'm too used to having my "professional" face on to be emotionally real, people in RL always off-load to me and are usually shocked if I'm emotional about something. I tend to put my emotions into my hobbies but I am learning to be more emotional. I'd like to say sometimes that he pisses me off or she pisses me off but I find it almost impossible, thats due to childhood when I wasn't allowed to express my feelings.

Definately onwards and upwards for everyone :o

I used to be so angry couldn't help it but didn't realise how nasty and horrible I was, before I had my hysterectomy I was about 50% worse and my lovely mild mannered DH sent me for a walk on a few occasions as I was winding him up so much he was tempted to belt me.

Since I've done this i'm so much more relaxed about everything I'm not the same person anymore don't know who I am just yet but she's slowly emerging x

Hmm, similar stuff - I find it very hard to be assertive or face confrontation, no matter how small, because I feel as though I'll just crumble into a tiny pile of dust. Anger in our house growing up was either totally suppressed, ongoing festering resentment, or rage that just went on and on and on and could be triggered by the tiniest thing.

My CBT homework at the mo is to list 'confrontational' situations in order of least-to-most scary and start with the least scary. I have told my DH that it really annoys me when he takes the bins out and doesn't put new bin bags in!

Believe it or not, even though logically I know my DH is the nicest man in the world, this was incredibly terrifying . But I did it!

Hello again everyone. I'm trying to catch up on your posts

Funeral was O.K., thanks for asking Berts. Sad but happy/hopeful IFYSWIM. It was my Cousins husband, but I hadn't seen him for years. I met up with lots of family I haven't seen for years. I don't know why I haven't contacted them for years - I think I cut myself off at some point when I was depressed after DS2. I have these moments that are pure blanks in my life.

Everyone on that side of the family is very successful - high flying jobs etc. I feel so insecure around them - what have I achieved - not much; 2 kids, tiny council flat, never any money etc. But I always do this thing of measuring myself up against other people and I always come out the loser in my mind. What the funeral did for me was made me realise just how deeply inadequate I always feel around other 'functional' people.

This weekend I have really decided to get the help I need from somewhere.

How are you Dotty? I think it's great that your friend is willing to support you. And you are incredibly brave by the way.

Cailin Yep definately onwards and upwards.

Berts I find confrontation really hard too. Always have. Was similarly never allowed to express my feelings as a child - was often beaten for expressing anger etc. I actually feel sick and panicky in confrontative situations and will allow most people just to walk all over me. I spend a lot of time trying to predict the confrontation before it happens and trying to avoid it. It's exhausting.

I have kept broken stuff rather than go back to the shop and risk an angry confrontation with the manager, ate food in restaurants that awful just so I don't have to upset the waitress, Said nothing when someone jostles me in the street, or slams a door in my face etc., I know how stupid it is but I worry so much about what everyone thinks about me way too much. I really do, it's stupid.

But I can't help it.

It's not stupid Avalon, in fact I think it's quite normal. IME a lot of people hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs, especially women. I'm a bit up and down on this front - sometimes I'm very confident and will challenge someone in a heartbeat and other times I'm a complete wuss. I think I'm good at dealing with a situation as long as it remains calm but as soon as anyone gets angry or upset I freak out.

For example the other day an old person started shouting at a man in his twenties for not moving his legs to let another old person put her shopping trolley in the wheelchair space. The old man was totally in the wrong - there was no possible way the young man could move his legs, he was far too lanky. It was clear the old man was just waiting to pounce on someone. I was going to point that out but then the young man started getting shouty and I could feel my heart start to pound. They shouted back and forth for about a minute - nothing serious - but I felt very shaky afterwards. I think the old man could see that I was upset and felt a bit ashamed which I think he deserved really, nasty thing.

It's embarrassing in work situations because I come across quite confident but then if the boss gets worked up about something I just burst into tears. Of course then the poor boss thinks they've been very mean to me and I struggle to explain that it's just my reaction and not their fault. I feel like it makes me seem very unstable.

Growing up negative emotion just wasn't allowed.

Sorry, that big long story happened on the bus, should have mentioned that!

I'm the same came across as quite bolshy where deep down I was a wreck bolshynes has gone now though reverted back to such a quiet person again. So up and down in my moods recently trying to pretend I'm ok so no-one asks that way I don't need to lie do I. X

Started getting shaky while out paying bills but I'm not going back to headphones if I can manage a busy pub I should be able to do this but I wasn't alone when in the pub.

Don't push yourself too much dotty. You're making fantastic progress but you need to give yourself time too.

Avalon, big hugs, I'm sorry you feel that way compared to your family. So what if you live in a tiny council flat and are skint. I'm the same. You are making yourself a better person and you're raising two fantastic kids. What do you want from life? to be a good mum? girlfriend? friend? it takes more than money to be those. Too much emphasis is put on monetary gain, look after yourself and those you care about, the rest will come in time.

Cailin I liked that you included your bus scenario in your post! I remember being 6 months pregnant and standing on the train and desperately wishing someone would notice I was preggers and wanted a flipping seat, and not being able to say 'excuse me please can I have a seat' just in case it ended in a confrontation.

I can speak confidently, I can blag for England but I still feel that if people look closer they'll be able to see right through me and see I'm a phoney.

I'm sorry that you weren't able to express any negative emotions growing up. Same in my house. I wonder if it was just a particular generational thing. Children should know their place etc.

Thanks Coffee Hey, I need to install you in my cupboard as a permanent pick me up. Then every time I open it and say 'I feel rubbish today' You'll say 'Nooo you're wonderful..'

Seriously though thanks.

Everyone on or lurking on this thread is wonderful too!

Back later on

Avalon my parents where older mum grew up in a really nice home with my grandmother,sister and brothers she used to regale us with her stories of a wonderful childhood. Dad don't really know much about I know it was a strict methodist upbringing church twice on sunday before he was allowed to visit his grandparents.my grandad was in the Navy so he didn't see much of him so he to was brought up more or less by a sungle parent but a big extended family used to get together playing music . We on the other hand where in a family where you where seen but not heard they didn't like the fact that us girls brought ours up so differently. All our extended family uncles and aunt didn't like dad apparently mum changed as soon as she met him.

Cailin, how would you like to respond in situations like you've described?

Dotty, my family was the same, children should be seen and not heard, yadda yadda yadda.

Avalon, it's what I said to myself after a horrendus funeral where I was told off for not having a job, yes I did, told off for ignoring someone, I didn't even see them and for some reason I was whacked with a stick by someone to get my attention. I was very dignified in telling them they were an idiot, left the funeral and cried.

With the bus situation I would just like to let it wash over me and not affect me. In work situations I would definitely like to be able to deal with a fraught situation without bursting into tears.

I think you're normal to be affected by those public situations, buses can be fraught places and knowing when a person is out of order is good.

Handling that and work situations, I don't know, repeatedly practising(sp?) those situations and how you'd like to react? Having belief in yourself. What exactly is it about the work situation you find upsetting? is it physically scary?

hi everyone, I'm asking for my posts on where I live to be deleted. They're near the start of thread 3. Just incase anyone else wants to delete theirs?

I won't be deleting mine Coffee.

To answer your question from the other post, I'm talking about situations that aren't physically scary, more just a bit fraught and confrontational. For example I was on flexitime in one job and I had agreed a certain work pattern with my boss. Without any warning she had a go at me saying the office manager wasn't happy about the time I was leaving and that it had to stop. The office manager actually had no say over my timekeeping so clearly it was just her way of deflecting and making out that someone else was at fault for something that was annoying her. It really really upset me and I cried my eyes out for ages. I could have just said "The office manager has no say in these things" and she would have had to either drop it or tell the truth but because I got upset it all got a bit out of hand. It was never really resolved and it soured our relationship somewhat which was a shame. I'd rather be able to maintain my cool in those situations and just argue my point clearly rather than freaking out.

Me neither its a huge area so doesn't identify me anyway and I'm not really bothered anyway x

Cailin, have you looked into anti-bullying tactics? sorry if I'm talking out my arse, just understanding bullying has really helped me in those kinds of situations. It sounds like the manager was bullying you, there are some good steps to deal bullies, like how to remain calm and put your point across. I have to deal with bullying quite a lot at the moment and not getting emotional is getting easier. If you want I'll try and link tomorrow, I think it's bullyonline or something. Sorry if I'm being annoying.

Anti-bullying tactics sound good. I'm like you Cailin in that when I'm in the confrontational situation I lose it and fall to pieces and can't get my point together, start crying or back out as quickly as possible. Then later I think of all the things I could/should have said to make my point.

I think it comes back to being brought up not to express hurt or angry feelings. Has anyone tried a self assertiveness course? I hear they're good but have never been on one myself.