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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

999 replies

CailinDana · 16/04/2012 17:38

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

OP posts:
Amitolamummy · 27/04/2012 23:03

This thread seems to have gone a bit quiet, hope everyone is ok.
I'm not posting much but i've been following. I think it might be time for me to finally put all of the abuse behind me and move forwards. I think i'll still need to help my inner child for a while yet, but i'm no longer going to be taken over by her (hopefully)
I will stay on here but i felt the need to say it.
It's taken many years, lots of counselling, lots of major life f* ups and lots of pain, but i'm finally ok with what happened to me and I don't feel destroyed by it anymore.
I imagine it will come back to bite me a few times in the future but right now i feel very light and free :)
Anyone struggling to work through everything, keep going, it really is worth it!

dottyspotty2 · 27/04/2012 23:22

I've had a quiet day today spent the whole day taking advantage of the good weather and did all my washing and ironing fab feeling having all empty baskets. Was such a busy and emotional day yesterday it felt weird that I should be happy at someone like his's expense wenr through a rollercoaster of emotions numbness,upset and happy.

Also had DS's MH nurse and new pyschiatrist here in the afternoon then of course 2 hours in the A&E turned out was just a bad sprain but dr raised concerns over his walking he's always walked funny another bad mother award.

Berts · 28/04/2012 14:02

Amitolamummy what a great post! Really inspiring to hear that you're putting it behind you and feeling 'light and free'.

Onwards and upwards for all of us! x

Original poster
CailinDana · 28/04/2012 14:38

I absolutely love getting all the washing done and dried on a good day too dotty, very satisfying! We've had nothing but wind and rain here for a while, it's a total drag. I can totally understand your emotions being all over the place at the moment.

Great to hear you so positive amitola. I'm really happy for you :)

How are you doing Berts and Coffee?

OP posts:
Berts · 28/04/2012 15:53

Not doing too bad, Cailin. Still physically shite, which is getting me down a bit as usually, when I'm feeling a bit down, I do some exercise and burn it off. Having a lazy day though, cake for lunch and watching Desperate Housewives Smile

How about yourself?

Berts · 28/04/2012 15:55

PS, I started this thread here as a bit of a break for everyone on threads like this and Stately Homes, just to have a safe place for nice fluffy thoughts and positive stuff. Feel free to join me!

Original poster
CailinDana · 28/04/2012 15:59

Not too bad. DH is sick today and I'm afraid I have very little patience for him when he's ill. I do feel bad about that, considering he stood by me for months when I was severely depressed but the way he huffs and puffs and looks miserable really gets my goat. He even kisses differently when he's ill -sort of this pathetic dry little peck and when he did it earlier I really felt like smacking him in the face! Not that I would of course, and I try not to show that I'm fed up. He's up in bed at the moment and DS and I are slobbing about watching tv. I couldn't be bothered doing anything else. We were supposed to be doing some DIY today but it's too difficult to do it on my own with DS around.

God I'm such a bitch aren't I. Poor DH.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 28/04/2012 16:15

I've slobbed around as well today Cailin couldn't be arsed but find that if I do to much one day I'm useless the next day. Going out tonight was going to wear my jeans which where hanging off me in january due to how little I was eating was down to just over 9 stone up to almost 12 now, so I've treated myself to new jeans surprised I got away with a 12 got newtop and jewellery as well thought bugger it might mean I enjoy myself. Really don't want to go after everything that's happened but can't let my friend down.

Original poster
CailinDana · 28/04/2012 16:19

Do you think you'll enjoy it once you're out dotty?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 28/04/2012 16:30

Don't know Cailin was looking forward to it earlier think it might be just nerves of how busy it will be to be honest.

CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 28/04/2012 16:36

Hi, Cailin, my DS is ill too, mind you he's just shown me how the hoover is like a post apopolyptic gun so I made him empty it [totally innocent look] which was good because he dismantled it, cleaned the filter and put it back together perfectly! Hope you and yours are better soon, ginger and lemon tea is good for colds.

Berts · 28/04/2012 17:11

Hey Cailin, don't beat yourself up too much - being a good person can be about faking it sometimes Smile So long as you're being good to your DH, do you have to feel it 24-7? Might be worth considering if something about this situ is pushing your buttons though.

Dotty, I bet you feel better once you're out and with friends x Do you have a friend that you can confide in about how nervous crowds make you, and ask them to stick with you so you feel a bit safer?

dottyspotty2 · 28/04/2012 18:24

Berts only have one friend here she's been through the same and knows how far I've come arranged this last weekend before I knew he would of actually been charged so went through a lot since then.

I always feel safe with my friend me her and her sister are really close more like sisters but don't see much of her sister as she lives away now I'm .starting to look forward to it have tidied upstairs and sister phoned me she's gone the opposite to me always slept but now not sleeping since hearing he was being charged I'm just so tired since starting to sleep though usually spend 1 or 2 days in bed as well used to go days on an hour or 2 its bizarre.

Got to make dinner now then its the Beatles tribute band perfect for a scouser xx

Original poster
CailinDana · 28/04/2012 19:12

Hmm Berts, you saying "Might be worth considering if something about this situ is pushing your buttons" has made me think. My mother was always very annoyed about any of us getting ill - I distinctly remember her getting quite huffy about having to bring us to the doctor. Perhaps that's where I get it from? I know he's genuinely ill - he doesn't malinger, but I can't bear him hamming it up. Perhaps he isn't hamming it up and I'm just perceiving it that way. It would be great if I could just accept him being ill and not get worked up over it.

Hmmm.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 28/04/2012 19:13

One thing's for sure, I don't want to treat DS the way my mother treated me.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 28/04/2012 19:30

The fact your saying it Cailin means you won't do xx

TheMistsOfAvalon · 28/04/2012 19:58

Just popping in to say Hello Everybody! Haven't had a chance to catch up on any of the posts, but I hope everyone is fine. Been preparing for a funeral which happened today and that's why I've not been posting. Unfortunately, I can't really stop to post much now either, for the same reason, but just wanted to send everyone positive thoughts and (hugs)Smile

CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 28/04/2012 21:01

Cailin, if you get the arse about something you think is a reflection of your mother could you do the complete opposite? it might feel weird to start off but will hopefully get easier. I have to do it with my insecurities of being hated.

Original poster
CailinDana · 29/04/2012 11:45

I do try to do that Coffee but it can be hard at times. I suppose the way I was brought up was my "normal" so it can be hard to see what's right and wrong at times. I also have a tendency to play down my own feelings (definitely due to my mother) and so I find questioning myself quite difficult as I often decide I'm in the wrong, IYSWIM. I'm trying hard to get a balance, but it's not easy.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 29/04/2012 12:53

Morning all had a fab night out last night, unfortunately found out that it was when I confided it my friend many years ago that triggered her memories. She's ok about it i'm not feel so bad as there was nothing she could do about it, but she wants to come to court if it go to trial told her its to graphic don't want her hearing all those details freaks me out how bad I was but she doesn't care really don't know what to do...

Original poster
CailinDana · 29/04/2012 12:58

I'm really glad you had a good night dotty. I think you feel you would find your friend's support valuable then you should accept her offer to go to court on the understanding that she can leave any time if it gets too much. It is a wonderful offer for her to make, but I can understand you being worried about it.

OP posts:
Berts · 29/04/2012 21:09

Hi Dotty, glad to hear you had a great night out! I'm sure your friend understands how hard the trial might be, so let her support you and - as Cailin said, let her know you understand if she has to leave.

Cailin, I had a feeling it might be a trigger thing, but I should be wary of getting all 'Psych 101'. I'm doing a parenting course at the moment for people who maybe didn't have the best parenting examples and want to learn about good boundaries and instilling security in our kids, that sort of thing (HV put me on it after I had PND).

We've been doing a bit this week about how certain situations can make us feel very uneasy without us realising, and trigger what they call our 'shark music' - ie, it's as though we're watching a movie and the 'Jaws' theme is playing, making everything feel threatening and uneasy and affecting our perception.

Does that make sense? Anyway, the point is supposed to be that if we can recognise our 'shark music' triggers, we can handle them better.

Mists - hope the funeral wasn't too bad Sad

Coffee - aloha!

CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 29/04/2012 21:22

Cailin, keep trying to answer but mn dies :(

dottyspotty2 · 29/04/2012 21:24

Problem I have with regards to the trial is it will be about 10 days long and 150 miles away we've been friends for 26 years and see each other as family more than friends saw her cry last night for first time ever she says I'm brave and one day I'll see it keep getting told this by family and detectives but can't see it she also say's I'm doing it for both of us her sister was abused as was her aunty but her grandfather was dead by the time it came out.

CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 29/04/2012 21:29

woohoo

Anyway, Cailin alot of people struggle with living with other people, it's perfectly normal and needed. You recognise how you'd like to be different but you are still allowed to feel naff about stuff.

Berts parenting class sounds good, anybody would benefit from. We are all learning constantly and if you stop learning then I think life dies. You are self aware, many aren't, don't be afraid to be in the wrong/make mistakes but don't always take the blame, iyswim,

hope it posts