Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Thanks for your kind words Avalon, I really appreciate them.

I know rationally that I matter, particularly to my DH and my DS. I have a little bunch of good friends who are lovely kind wonderful people and I feel very lucky that they care about me. But I still catch myself thinking that if I died no one would be that bothered, everyone would just move on. It stops me from really enjoying the love I get from others, which is a shame, and I'm trying to stop it. The thing is, when people reveal what they think of me they often say highly complimentary things, and often people have the impression that I have no worries or problems. I don't really like that because it makes me feel two faced, as though I'm presenting a false image. At the same time I feel if I did present my "real" self they wouldn't like me.

Berts I agree that reliving the past over and over isn't a good thing but talking about what happened can be essential for moving on. I suppose it's a matter of striking a balance between the two.

Agree, there probably is an element of me running away from facing up to stuff too, but maybe a combination of therapy/processing the past, with techniques that reinforce loving ourselves and gaining confidence to face the future.

Still working stuff out 'out loud', I guess.

Working stuff out out loud is helpful I think. I find I get a thought stuck in my head, it goes round and round driving me mad and I become convinced it's true. Then it say it out loud and straight away it stops seeming true. It's weird.

Cailin, the song "iris" helps when I feel like that, people see me the same way, like I've never had to struggle with anything, like I don't understand hard times. Unfortunately only DS would notice if I wasn't here but thats enough for me to stick around. I feel like the none person too, have done tv etc but I don't recognise myself, thats why I find photo's hard.

Berts, I too find it difficult when people remember me but therapy has helped with it. My only relationship was aged 16-18 with an older man.

Sorry, phone only always 512 characters :o

Berts, I feel that relationship was abusive too. Different from younger abuse but still abuse.

Avalon, don't worry, at least you didn't mention wardrobes :o sorry, I do say when I've had a trigger but take it more as I can't answer as I'm triggered rather than being upset, a lot of random stuff triggers so I really wouldn't worry about it.

Totu, I was worse with mine, he was self dressing and bathing at a young age. I do struggle with him becoming a man.

Idon't, I daren't weigh myself as I get obsessive with losing weight but definately will join you with "toning up" as I put it. Sorry your mum was like that,x

I'm going to reread the earths children books as there is also female perps in it.

Avalon, I was physically abused by my sister and step sister so not sexual and although I have spoken about it here it's not really relevant.

Ha Earths Children! I read till the end of The Valley of Horses and stopped I enjoyed book one the most. DP is into them, has read every one. I still can't talk to him he's here and we've not spoken.

can you ask him if he's willing to sit down and talk, one person speaking at a time? big hugs, x

Oh dear Mists that must be tense.

It is tense. Perhaps I should end this relationship. I'm very close to doing that. Not because I don't love DP or because we don't get on, but because maybe I'm asking more of him than he's capable of, and because maybe I need a man who is able to respond to me emotionally and a litlle more affectionately.

I rhink i make him feel inadequate with this.

We're both of West Indian Caribbean heritage and sexual abuse isn't really ever talked about or mentioned much in our culture, although it happens everywhere and in any culture.

This already makes it harder to address my issues as our issues. IYSWIM. To be honest I have no anger towards DP just

Not been around today been really busy went to Glasgow this morning met up with a friend who helps run a cafe for SN's young people she also has a son with SN's [most of my friends do] then back to decorate cakes made the ultimate chocolate cake and finished the rainbow cake hopefully they'll raise alot of money.

It's really sad you're feeling this way Mists. I would definitely advise you to hold off on doing anything major for the time being.

Is there any hope of sitting down and talking to him openly about how you feel?

Catching up here Berts that's what was so good about my counseller she let me lead the way with everything until a few sessions ago it was horrific I was in pieces every session as it was all new memories NOT just of the abuse but the whole package growing up in that family hurtful things that where said even up to when I was expecting DD2 totally put all these things away safe until I was ready but you know what now I've spoken about it all I'm free.

The thing with the nappy changing never made a connection before BUT I descended into severe PND after DD1 was born whilst changing her I had visions of me abusing her which continued into nightmares of HIM doing it to her.

DD1 was just coming up to 4 when I severed contact with him up to then he would come when he felt like it but thinking back I ALWAYS made sure she was dressed before coming down stairs as well as baby DS and never left him alone in the room with them not even if my parents where there.

I agree Avalon, don't make descisions now, try and talk if he will, couple councelling or a mediator maybe? How often do you two have seperate "me" days and couple days etc. Child sexual abuse isn't talked about much in any culture and most cultures would rather not address it. If you're both willing to respect and listen to each other you can hopefully get through this. Where he's coming from I don't know but I hope he's willing to listen and hear you and vice versa, x.

Glad you had a good day Dotty :)

Thanks for the advice Cailin and Coffee. Really appreciate it. Thing is, I can't talk now. After yesterday's rejection - which I'm willing to admit I might have taken to heart too much - I just cannot bear to talk about or mention anything remotely connected to or caused by the abuse at all. I cannot even say 'I felt like this yesterday, and I feel you didn't listen' etc.

I'm really not being petty or recriminating or tit for tat - how can I explain it? I've shut down. I've bottled it up. It hurts too much to lay myself open and get this awful misunderstanding in return. I would like to talk, but honestly I just can't now. It's gone and I've gone backwards when I wanted to go forwards. That's why I feel sad and not angry.

That's why right now, I just want to live on my own forever. I'm tired of feeling misunderstood by the real world.

I want to live on a mountain far away from everything and everyone.

I can only feel safe opening up here, no where else.

Hugs Avalon, I know what it feels like to open up, be vulnerable and have it ignored/belittled. I don't think you've taken it too much to heart at all. He may not be a physically comforting person but he could still be verbally comforting. I personally would walk from what you're describing, he just seemed more concerned with him than you. Can you write down everything you feel about the relationship to help if he wants to talk? If you think you are heading for a split do you have money/friends to help?

Can I join? I'm a long time MN lurker. I'm not sure if I belong here, I was 14 when it started. Maybe too old?

Thanks Coffee No not many friends, money a little, but I've been in that situation before. Possibly in a few days I might be able to write things out.

I'm feeling quite downish and will probably go to bed early (I can avoid the tenseness) I'm on the edge of tears.

I need to not talk about me anymore. I can get too overwhelmed with everything in my head sometimes and I don't want that. I need something cheerful

Anybody know any decent jokes?

Welcome to the thread chipsahoy At 14 you were a child, in no way were you old enough to bear any responsibility for what happened to you. Absolutely not. How are you feeling?

Hi Chips, not at all, you're more than welcome here, do you want to talk about it? hugs.

Avalon, no jokes but once I nearly decapitated myself cleaning a curtain rail and almost fell through the window :o ultimate domestic goddess me!

Of course you can join chips. What's on your mind?

Chipsahoynicki welcome :) not too old at all, you were young, it was illegal and wrong, you belong here too.
Avalon fwiw I don't think you took the reaction of your DP to heart too much. It made me go cold to read how he reacted. Whether he can do emotion or not, it wasn't fair for him to treat you like that. He should have been honest and at least listened to you even if he had no idea what to do.
You don't need a mountain, you need loving, caring and empathic people around you.
I stayed with my ex too long and now need to deal with the damage from that too. It'sgood you can talk on here if you have nowhere else.

I'm having a bad evening. Feeling very woe is me, i'l never have a normal life, my abuser was right i'll never meet a decent man (he said any but it turns out I can meet plenty of arseholes) I keep telling myself this will pass and life will get better, but at the moment everything looks very bleak.