Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

8:30am you're on Avalon :o

Dotty, hugs, there are some complete shits out there, but you now have your DH and DC, xx

I think any decent person can councel with the basics, I just think the whole system is too open to abuse no matter how qualified people should be. I think female gp's/psych's/councellors should only be available to survivors m+f as it tends to be male perpertrators, I know this is not true of all cases but the majority. Too many survivors have been revictimised in the system.

Or wot Avalon said innit :o

xpost, I'll have to go running at 8:30 or late afternoon but am psyched up for morning now :o thanks

Manic I hate photos of myself too. I never show photos to anyone. I alwys feel I look silly. I have a wide gap between my teeth and hate smiling at camera. Should have had them fixed years ago, too late now NHS doesn't do adult braces anymore. And I couldn't afford private. My worst nightmare would be having to get married or something. I would hate the attention and the photos. I really would. My wedding would be a simple dress on the beach and no reception. I must be the only person who doesn't ever want to be a fussed over bride. Just the thought makes me queasy.

Anyway I panic at Dentist haven't been for 2 years now. Hate any situation where I'm in someone else's control, Hairdressers, Dentists, I even hate it if I'm in a shop and a shop assistant asks me if I need anything. I feel like I have to do what they say. It's so stupid, but I will end up buying something that doesn't suit me because I feel like I have no control over the scenario.

If I'm starting to babble it's a sign I'm tired or drunk too much Cocoa Cola.

No I don't believe it should be just females prooviding services the first GP I told was a male and he was wonderful and supporting. Also in my last group therapy there was a woman who had been raised in a care home along with her 2 sisters and she'd been abused by female carers and trusted very few women my wonderful niece was abused by her female step-cousin whilst she babysat her and there has been so much more coming to light dispelling the myth of women not abusing children I know stories from people I kniw that would sicken you even more.

Oh 8:30 then Coffee You're contagious.

Yes I suppose people really don't expect women to be sexual abusers. I read once that men who are abused tend to act out and become abusers themselves, but women internalise more and act out primarily through promiscuity - well that's a load of rubbish obviously.

When I had my children I was afraid to touch their private parts. I didn't want to clean or wash their bits. Changing nappies was difficult. My health visitor supervised me several times with washing bless her, because I did feel sick having to do it. I think I was afraid at the time that I might be like my abuser and turn into one myself. I used to feel I might have been tainted somehow. One of my son's had a tight foreskin and I couldn't deal with it. I let his father deal with it and take him to the doctor. I'm so glad their grown up and able to do all that for themselves.

:o Avalon

Dotty, I can see your point, I know women abuse as well as men, the whole system is dangerous to survivors, I just had more bad experiences with male practitioners than female but overall more understanding from females. I think thats why rape crisis centres work. It's more to do with the broken bond between child and mother that needs the most work iyswim, but again that is a flawed analogy.

xpost Avalon, :o about the run, god awful xpost

Yes I was exactly the same with my DS when he was born, I have no idea how he didn't get nappy rash or worse. I think thats the biggest factor in why I've only had one, I am too scare to change nappies as I know how personal that area is and how triggering being touched there is. Crap, I will never have a relationship again.

Argh I'm a fuckwit.

I do have personal experience of being abused by a female. I don't think men shouldn't councel survivors I think they can be paramount in effecting change but I think caring for survivors should be by females, iyswim.

Right I'm too tired so off to bed, night, xx

Coffee (gently) You are not a 'fuckwit'. Anyman would be lucky to have you. If you could find one sensitive enough. Sorry I don't know any I'm afraid. Says a lot doesn't it. But I shouldn't be down on men.

Regarding nappy changing: Do you realise how much you've just helped me with that comment? Honestly it's the sort of thing people who don't know what it's like living with abuse would think was absolutely weird, but you understood immediately! And I feel so relieved.

So you've just helped me feel like I'm not insane. I owe you a massive thank you. I'm welling up actually. Going to have puffy eyes tomorrow. Won't be able to run at 8:30 now because I'll need tea with the toast and extra butter to comfort me.

Seriously though thank you so much x

Night. x I'm off soon too, I'll hang around for a few mins more though.

I thought everyone felt like that about nappies, you are definately not mad.

My exp used to slap my face, god I am sensitive, but I'll take it how it was meant. Am too tired, night :o

I am awake! And just catching up with your posts. Those of you that were afraid to change nappies - that was me too. I was terrified I would find it sexual. It was not and I am eternally grateful that I haven't been 'tainted' in that way. I couldn't live with myself.

However, I have been tainted in some ways..I am short of patience and am quite controlling. I try everyday to not do that and to relax about things that do not matter.

I am happy to start a healthy eating pact - just weighed myself and whoah!!

Morning all. I missed out on the discussion last night, I had to go to bed early I was wrecked.

I feel the same way about nappies. I can change DS's nappy easily enough, even though I do feel uncomfortable, but when I used to change my cousin's nappies now and again I used to hate it. Not that I was ever a danger to them, I just didn't feel right doing it. I think I'll always be very cagey about allowing anyone change or bathe my DS which is understandable I suppose.

When I was at uni I read a horrible article about female abusers. A massive review had been done in the UK of services available to victims of female abusers and the results were appalling. Some victims reported that doctors and counsellors had actually laughed at them when they tried to talk about it, male victims had been told they were "lucky to get the attention" and that they should be "grateful a woman took such an interest" in them and others were told they had to be making it up because women don't abuse. It was heartbreaking to read it. Not being believed is horrible but to have someone laugh or tell a victim they should be grateful must be soul destroying.

I don't really hate photos of myself mainly because I see myself as a non-person. I have little or no feeling about how I look because I don't really feel like I exist. I know that's crazy.

cailin that is not crazy in the slightest. I suppose you feel rather hollow and insignificant? I too never have pics taken. People get very angry with me as I will npt go into group photos even and I hate anything being put on fb.

Appalling about the women abusers. I am not sure if my mother repeatedly abused me or not...but I have a very clear memory of my mother intimately touching me up my nightie. She was obsessed with cleanliness of private parts. Very odd.

It's not even like I feel hollow or insignificant, it's like I just don't count and I'm ok with that. I'm always surprised when someone uses my name - it's as if I think they don't even see me. I don't mind having my photo taken at all. The person in the photo isn't me. The funny thing is, if you met me you'd think I was full of confidence. I used to act and I've done loads of public speaking. I don't get nervous, why would I? If people hate me, I don't connect that to myself because I don't exist.

I know a lot of that is from my childhood. When your own parents don't really show an interest in you it's hard to imagine anyone else would be bothered about you.

Good morning all. I've managed to read the past couple of pages.

My first counsellor was terrible. She just wanted to focus on how the clutter in my house was upsetting me (I was married at the time and my ex was a hoarder).

My second counsellor, wasn't a counsellor, she was something else. It was after my divorce. Can't remember now. I mentioned everything to her - not wanting 3 kids, abusive ex, traumatic birth, hysterectomy, sexual abuse. She didn't talk about the abuse once. She did help me feel less guilt about how my life had turned out. After 6 sessions she told me she was moving areas but she'd seen massive progress in me.

Nappies never freaked me out but my boys developing bodies are hard for me to cope with. They bath themselves, with my supervision, i.e. wash themselves with a flannel. I tell them which bits they've missed. I don't touch them apart from helping them out of the bath and drying them - they are 7 but their mental age is about 3 or 4.

One of my boys got ahem, a litttle excited, shall we say. He's growing up and his body is doing what boys bodies do but I was shocked. I was nowhere near him at the time. I'd just finished drying my other son.

Aaaargh. I am trying so hard to say everything right so you don't think I'm really weird. I'm not. It was just a shock to go back to the bathroom to be confronted with that. Anyway, I didn't make a fuss. He just helped me unplug the bath, squeeze the flannels out and by then it was gone.

Got to dash now. So I'll post and be back later.

Morning everyone!

coffee so sorry! Didn't realise 'slaps face' had horrible associations for you Sorry if it brought back bad memories, I meant it playfully. I really should think more. Apologies again.

Idont I don't weigh myself because it's depressing and I would just start obsessing over it. I'm exhausted and I haven't made the park this morning despite coffees best attempts to rouse me for 8:30 I'm going soon though. Your mother abusing you: I'm glad you can talk here about it.

Yes I suppose a lot of people just don't believe women to be capable of being as sexually aggressive as men. Perhaps it's because women are typically seen as nurturers and the myth that women think about and enjoy sex less than men or something. I must admit I am more wary of men with my children than women, although I don't trust other people much full stop.

I suppose for anyone it would be extra challenging to admit to having been abused by a woman. There must be swathes of people out there who have never told anyone about their experiences. Imagine how difficult it must be to talk about, only to then be told you're making it up!

idont Why do you think your mother was obsessed with cleanliness of private parts? How awful and experience for you. Was your Mother's upbringing abusive in some way also?

TOTU How's DS doing today? You don't sound weird at all. I would freak the hell out if it was me. I too find the thought of that aspect of their changing bodies difficult. In fact my children were independent bathers from an early age. All I do is buy flannels and pants. They sweat now and are very sporty and are developing manish physiques. I really don't think about what else may be changing with them physically as I really can't deal with it.

I'm off! See everyone a bit later. Have a lovely day!

"When your own parents don't really show an interest in you it's hard to imagine anyone else would be bothered about you."

Hugs Cailin. Yes it is hard to imagine. But the truth is you do matter tremendously. Look at all the good you've done just starting this thread. Not likely to be forgotton by anyone here. Well I know how grateful I am, and I'm not going to forget you.

Going now, back later. xx

Dontknowwhat meant to say hope all is well with your daughter now. x

Cailin "when your own parents don't really show an interest in you, it's hard to imagine anyone else would be bothered about you". This....this...THIS, is the reason I married the twunt that I did. I didn't believe I was worthy of love. I couldn't believe my 'luck' . Turns out he was an abuser as well. He soon showed his true colours once we were married - and far before that if I'd have been wise enough to recognise the massive red flags.

I find it interesting that you don't get nervous. I can be a bag of nerves. So feeling worthless or not loved does not automatically equal the same response in everyone. I suppose that's obvious as we are all individuals. I could never public speak. I find it hard to talk to my own family sometimes!

Mists hope you have a good day too. My son is okish today. The weekend was tough though. I had to physically drag him onto the school bus today as he didn't want to go, but that's the steroids affecting his behaviour. He'll be fine now he's in school. He always is.

And thank you for saying I'm not weird about what happened yesterday. I was worried about that post. I do hug and show appropriate affection to my children. I tell them I love them and I know they feel loved and love me right back.

This is why I wonder about the therapy approach - after a point, how useful is it to keep reliving the past - especially when it was shit. I prefer the life-coaching approach of learning to love yourself and looking forward. I found 'Ten Minute Life Coach' by Fiona Harrold very useful - it got me to a place where I could leave my EA first husband.

Also, with the above discussion something just clicked - I've been working lately on how socially inept I can be and one of the ways in which I've alienated potential friends in the past is that I expect people not to recognise me when they see me for the second time. Of course, I recognise them, but I never expect them to recognise me. Hmm.

Also, I've found Hypnotherapy to deal with feelings of guilt and fear quite useful x