Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

I'm really pleased to see that they've been such a support to you Dotty and that you've got some of your power back. Glad you've got supportive friends. And you have come far, you've been such a support on this thread

I am a little worried about placing too much help with counsellors as have felt let down in the past, so I am cautious about expecting too much... Perhaps I'm still not ready.

In what way did you feel let down Mists?

I've seen 4 counsellors altogether.

First one I was referred to by the homeless persons shelter I was staying in. It was a free church sponsered counsellor. I was about 18 and attended with my keyworker. I didn't really click with her but I talked alot about my childhood and the abuse. I actually felt this counsellor blamed me. She kept interjecting with comments like. 'Well what was wrong with your mother?' I don't understand why you didn't say anything? Why dodn't you speak to a relative etc.

I had a feeling she was discussing what I said in sessions with my Keyworker, who became increasingly hostile towards me and kept piling pressure on me to tell the police. On about the sixth session, the counsellor said I didn't need anymore counselling. Frankly I think she knew she was out of her depth, or she just didn't like me and felt it wasn't going anywhere. I felt betrayed actually, since I had talked in depth for the first time.

The second time I was referred through my doctor. A man. He insisted I tell all the graphic details. I was going through a dark period, was on my own about early twenties, and didn't want to talk details, just how the abuse made me feel. He started to become increasingly insistent on details and stopped my counselling after a short time because I was being un-ciooperative.

Third counsellor was based in a college. She was quite nice, but they were overloaded with cases and I can't quite remember why, but I had to wait for her to contact me to arrange session times. After a few sessions she didn't phone back and when I went looking for her I was told no one of that name worked there. - I didn't dig very long though. I suppose I could have pushed it but was very depressed and on meds at the time.

Fourth counsellor was more of a disappointing experience. Again through doctors. Took ages to be referred, the waiting list was 4 months. I felt bleak all through it. I had to have weekly sessions with the doctor in the meantime, who wasn't much help to be honest, and kept asking me how my sex life was and questioning my lack of sexual partners. I kid you not.

In the end I went and saw this very nice woman and it wasn't her fault really, had a few more sessions, felt I really clicked, was really understood, started to really open up, then she told me 'Oh she wasn't my real counsellor, oh, didn't the doctor tell me that she was just an interim assessor? She was just there to assess what type of therapy would best suit my needs. Oh but I must read about the separate therapies by getting books from the library and then get back to her so we could discuss which would be best. Oh and it would take at least another 6 months before I saw anyone, and even then the therapy might not be appropriate.

I was so disappointed because I really wanted the help so badly there and then and I felt a bit betrayed by her giving me the feeling she was my counsellor. I have never been for counselling since. Each time I was left having to pick my tattered emotions up and carry on. Since the I don't put much store in counselling.

I will vouch for the Samaritans though, they are brill in an emergency or just to talk. That has worked better for me.

mists - I have just caught up with your threads...how are you doing? I think your oh is behaving like this because he feels inadequate as he cannot make things go away for you. I am not excusing his behaviour though. He seems to be feeling a little to sorry for himself in stead of just giving you a cuddle and a listening ear - to hear your side. Let him have his distance, no doubt he will some back and realise what he needs to do. Please just chat away - don't feel like you are being the miserable one. Each day seems to throw something at each of us doesn't it??

Thanks to everyone that has replied to my posts. It is incredible to have actual people listening to me and understanding.

I am usually asleep by now... the last few nights I have been up late, stuffing my fat face with everything from the cupboards. I compulsively eat when I am feeling down. Tomorrow I intend to have a fresh start. I have to. I have put on a stone in just over a month. I wish I didn't have all this shit to worry about as well

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day! I do hope you all get some sleep tonight. We are safe now Soppy, I know but I have had a couple of glasses of wine....

I had a bad experience too. I saw a counsellor at uni who was clearly disgusted by what I told her and who said I was abused because I was "too trusting" - ie it was my fault. She then told me to write down what had happened and to burn the paper - ie she didn't want to hear it. She barely let me talk at all, most of the sessions involved her preaching at me and telling me what to think.

I did have a lovely counsellor after her though, but I didn't talk about the abuse at all, I just talked about other things. In a way I think we became too close - she got quite upset when I said I thought I'd like to stop seeing her, and she once described me (seriously) as "perfect." She did help me through a very tough time.

Strangely the absolute best person I saw wasn't a counsellor at all, she was a psychiatric nurse. Basically I was told to see her by the psychiatrist as a way of fobbing me off. I was pissed off at first but really talking to her was amazing, she listened, but she also challenged what I said (in a good way) and she was the first person to really make me see how fucked up my relationship with my mother was. I only saw her for maybe five sessions but she helped me so much it was unbelievable. I regret not writing to her to thank her.

I can totally understand your reluctance Avalon. I only had one bad experience and I'm wary.

Hugs right back Idont :)

My CPN was the same told me I was great at helping everyone else but had known me 6 years and only knew the bare basics that my brother had abused me made me feel crap and extremely uncomfortable even now he gives me the creeps

I've had bad councelling and a few who wanted to know how promiscuous I was don't actually think it's anybodies business.

I don't put all my "eggs" in one basket, spreading the load across people, prrimarily because I think it's too much for one person to take, so I find different people to help with different aspects.

My psych now also sees me as "perfect" but I haven't discussed graphic details with her, rather my perspective of me as a survivor living in the society we do.

Idon't I have been stuffing my face as well. I've been eating KitKats all week, buying the chunky bars.

In fact I went and ordered a medium deep pan pizza from Pizza Hut and stuffed the whole lot. This was after lunch - which consisted of yesterdays leftovers.

Am currently finishing off a bottle of coca cola.

The only reason I'm not huge right now is because very strangely, I am running once round the park 3 times a week. It takes about 15 minutes (its a smallish park) and there's a steep rise which helps. I have kept it up for weeks now. It is very unlike me. Not losing weight though, just maintaining the status quo, because I'm doing stupid things like eating last nights dinner for breakfast. I must stop too. Shall we make a pact? You'll have to be the one who keeps me to it though!

Thanks for what you said. I'll give DP his space. To be honest I feel quite empty about it all now. Not angry, not upset, but not anything. Numb. I don't know what to say to him tomorrow.

But at least I get to stay on mumsnet late tonight

Cailin"too trusting" What the hell?! Needs to go away and get some proper training. I'm glad you got some better help in the end. God.

It does beg the question how much training do counsellors get in this sort of thing specifically? I mean can you specialise in any particular area, or is it all general. I think a counsellor needs specific training on issues surrounding sexual abuse. Imagine the trouble a bad counsellor can do. Someone could quite literally do something to themselves after being told something like that by a person in trusted authority.

I came on as I had a trigger so not making much sense.

I can't really offer advice to those with partners as I've never had an adult relationship but I can say things which might add another perspective and learn something myself.

I'm struggling with being feminine. Being feminine has always attracted abuse from men or hatred from women in my family. I try to be as non sexual as possible. I feel like a grotesque vomit inducing woman. I'd really like not to feel that way and like myself physically.

Ooo I'm currently fat as a moose and not exercising so I'm up for motivation too :o

I know what you mean, Coffee, I have always felt vaguely repulsive. Ugly, anyway. In the past year that has got better - I even got dh to take a photo of me and my daughter and I actually liked the photo

Dotty how crap your CRN sounds. I do wonder what motivates the ones who creep you out.

Coffee Me too. My doctor insisted that I should be promiscuous, he said sleeping with lots of partners would increase my confidence with sex and men. I didn't quite know what to make of his comments at the time as truthfully, when I was younger, I really was impressed by promiscuous women, as I was petrified at the thought of sex at the time. Now I rather like sex, (although not feeling it lately) but only with DP I think. I would find it scary if I was with someone new. Issues.

I had loads of first dates that never went anywhere because I couldn't tell if I'd ever trust the guy. How me and DP got together and over that hurdle is another story for another day. I am amazed sometimes that I achieved sex and children.

I think you are wise for not putting all your eggs in one basket. How do you become a 'perfect' counselling candidate though?

Regarding counsellors - basic training does not cover sexual abuse at all. You can become qualified to practice without ever touching on the subject, its not the best training though.
Any decent counsellor/human being who did not have the experience and skills to work with someone who had been sexually abused should say so at the outset or when it is disclosed. It is a very misunderstood type of abuse and sadly there are some very screwed up people in the counselling preofession, merrily counselling people instead of dealing with their own issues. I'm ok, you're not ok, isthe main theme for some of them.
Please don't give up though. There are just as many fabulous ones out there. The right counsellor can come along just when you need them.
Recovering from this is a very long process and counselling/therapies will all help along the way. Even the negative experiences may eventually prove to have been of some benefit.
I've lost count of how many i've seen but i'd never be here now without some of them

Oh and on that same topic, i was emotionally abused by the facilitator of a sexual abuse survivors group. She was a complete bitch, evil oozed from her, but she knew people in high places. It took 2 years to get over that, plus 2 suicide attempts. Bitch bitch bitch bitch!! ok maybe i'm not over it haha

The CPN I had also accused me of neglecting my son and that the only thing he needed was 100% attention of me that in itself from a 5 year old is a problem coupled with the fact I had a 4 year old and a 7 year old daughter.

The counseller I had at rape crisis centre is a PTSD counseller and was brilliant but she was adamant that I had done all the work myself when I was thanking her for all she'd done in the last 5 months, and thanked me.

X posted Coffee Sorry when I said 'me too' I was talking about pervy counsellor comments.

Now I've read your second post. (Big Hugs)I'm sorry you feel that way, I've not experienced the exactly the same feelings, but can understand what would prompt you to not like being a feminine sexual being. Do you feel unsafe expressing your femininity because you sense that you are more likely to be taken advantage of, or attract unwanted sexual attention from the opposite sex?

You are not gross. There is a lot of misogynistic sexualisation of women and everything else these days though. There is so much more to being a woman than how we look though isn't there? And I don't think that is valued in society half as much as it should be.

I'm probably not saying anything helpful, please keep talking about it if you want. I'm happy to listen xx

Haha, let it out Leaving :o being vulnerable to further abuse makes it hard for survivors, like we don't have an automatic "fuck off bitch" when we meet muppets.

Avalon, I don't know, the right therapist and some inner fight? if that's the right word. A lot of survivors just get too overwhelmed maybe, my therapist struggles emotionally with how hard survivors find it to beat the verbal abuse/manipulation, I think my therapist would make a good judge for survivors iyswim :o

I actually want to bump into my ex CPN and tell him how wrong he was about me causing my sons problems and that he is actually autistic not neglected because he was a boy.

I also left home and moved in with a man 27 years my senior at 16 first date he pinned me down raped me in his living room but I ended up moving in with him and that carried on along with emotional abuse until he kicked me out 2 years later.
He also used to go out and leave me suffering in agony with a medical problem I had met DH shortly afterwards {we where already good friends} and he had me at the dr's within 3 days and I was admitted to hospital if I hadn't been I would never of had our wonderful children.

haha, xpost Avalon, I got that about promiscuity, thats all the main hospital psych cares about, might speak to my psych about that for other local survivors.

Yes you are right about me being scared to be feminine, it makes me vulnerable. I'm ok being a mother but struggle being a woman.

Manic, glad you like the photo, thats a big step, x

Dotty and Leaving horrrible counselling stories. What kept you persisting through that? Like I said I dropped it after it after the fourth time.

Coffee join me for a run tomorrow at 7:30. Actually, as I'm still up make that 8:30 or better still 9:30

So counsellors don't get survivor abuse training as standard. I think that's wrong. Perhaps they should change the rules maybe so that only a counsellor who has had proper training should take abuse cases? Isn't there a proper supervisory body for councillors or something that regulates these things?

Make it 10:00 Coffee. I'll need toast to wake up first.

mine was on and off Avalon he was actually with a female counseller and it was group therapy at first it was a psychiatrist he was with just the 3 of us but obviously wasn't ready to open up.

I know local DC was disgusted that they never even tried to get a 16 year old to go to the police about it and she also told me that nowadays they wouldn't have a choice but to report it with or without consent if an under 18 went to them.

Dotty your children are a true blessing.

Swapping stories I'm struck by just how vulnerable we are/have been at different stages in our lives and coming across these people determined or unwittingly to fuck us up again along the way. Rapists, pervs, abusive partners, dodgy doctors, unprofessional counsellors, etc. I'm sure some people just seek vulnerable people out, just so they can screw them up.

I'm glad we're all here in one piece/several pieces stuck together - to talk and share. x