Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

I was on my period stood in living room near the fire an he put his hand up my skirt I pushed him away it was that simple he never touched me ever again but became distanced from me.

Hi everyone :-)

Would you trust your sister with your child if she was abused but was in denial about it. She also feels children make things like that up because they can't deal with other things that happened in their lives.
She doesn't have any contact with them at the moment but will probably want to when they are older.

That's a tough call leaving. I would never leave my child with someone I wasn't 100% ok with. In your position I would probably tackle the abuse question with my sister first and then see how I felt.

Do you want to talk a bit more about what happened with your sister leaving?

Always said he never actually touched me intametely but knowing that he must of always thought it was just rape when I remembered that it came to me during interview makes me feel so sick.

I will another time, Thanks Cailin.

:( dotty.

That's fine leaving :) Hope you're ok.

I am in foul form today and DH knows it. Bless him, he's taken DS out for a walk to give me some time on my own. I don't know what's wrong with me really. I think I just get like this when I start thinking about shit. The main thing is that I don't want it to take me over like it has in the past. I want to know how much to let myself feel and where to draw the line before I start sinking. But I never really know that. I still haven't managed to talk to DH properly, I just can't get myself to do it.

Cailin. I've not had the chance to review the thread properly (day from hell today) but I wanted to ask what is it you want to talk to your DH about properly?

I'll go and read back in case that gives me the answer.

I'm here for a bit - on and off - if you need to talk. x

TOTU - he knows I'm on this thread and that things are on my mind at the moment. He knows I'm struggling a bit but I haven't really spoken to him about what's going on in my head. I feel sorry for him because he's having a very busy time at work and then he has to pick up a lot of slack at home too.

I haven't told him the full story of what happened to me. He knows bits and bobs. I feel like I should tell him but I'm reluctant.

leaving the idiots - I would say no, on gut instinct. If she hasn't even started to deal with what happened and is 'normalising' it, who might she let into her life? I wouldn't feel safe.

Idont - you're not a wimp, you're totally brave! Get some support, maybe counselling and look after yourself before you feel you need to make any decisions about telling anyone or reporting what happened.

Thanks everyone for your welcome. I'm thinking of starting a seperate thread though as what happened to me was a bit different from straightforward childhood abuse (previous thread here) and I think comes with slightly different issues of having been slightly older, and a very willing participant, even though it was fucked up and abusive (I had relationship with a teacher 19 years my senior, that started when I was 15).

Also, because I was surprised when I started the thread how many people had similar stories! It never seems to be talked about anywhere, mostly because people think it's all good clean fun, and those who were involved mostly want to forget it, or feel to blame.

Not sleeping much lately as I am too angry with too many people and lie awake at night fantasising about confronting them, telling them how badly they messed me up, and how it's their fault, not mine. Then I kick em in the balls! Grrrrr.

Back from supermarket to get stuff for DD2's bake sale my niece and SIL walked past me 3 times upset me a lot as they saw me can't believe how things have turned out. [Sad]. Bumped into DD2 in there she was going to find them and give SIL what for but told her it wasn't worth it used to be really close to my niece as well.

Hi Berts, I can understand you wanting to start your own thread, I just want to make sure you don't feel unwelcome here. Everyone's story is different and yours is no more or less "worthy" of being here.

Right. I'm composing a longggggg reply but need to log out and back in again to make sure I don't lose the post.

If you do lose the post, just hit back, it'll take you back to the page with the written post, copy the post, log in again, go back to the thread and repost :)

Thanks Cailin x

It's not so much an 'unworthiness' issue as feeling that there are very different, specific issues around this type of exploitative relationship, that are not the same as the stuff that you guys are going through.

On the plus side today, finally confessed to my DH why I've not been sleeping lately and he was very nice (and he wants to kick all those people in the balls too :))

I see what you mean Berts. Feel free to chat on this thread as well as starting your own if you like. I'm glad your DH was so understanding.

Yes but Berts I was on your thread and you went to him as a vulnerable young girl and HE took advantage of you there is no way it was your fault he manipulated the siyuation plain and simple xxx

I could say I was willing as I went to him but I was a child he was the adult. Xx

Coffee how are you and sorry about your friends relative. I hope you are ok.

Dotty what a crap supermarket trip. You will have to focus on the good things - like your rainbow cake. Easier said than done I know. You were right advising DD2 not to give SIL what for in my opinion. Sometimes, there is just stuff that can't be fixed, and it is sad.

Idont I think you have taken a brave step.

Mists I can see what you are saying about giving up on happiness but I try to think now in terms of not giving up on happiness, just adjusting to what life has dealt me. I can't see me having a partner again, but over the past year I've kind of started to come to terms with that.

tb I never reported what happened to me as I never realised it was so wrong until later. Then my abuser emigrated so I don't see him or have contact. If he was still here, I would make sure he had no contact with my children but probably still wouldn't have told anyone about it.

Cailin I can identify with having had a somewhat prudish mother. Also with the 'because I particpated' bit. As Dotty pointed out. We didn't participate. We were groomed or didn't realise just how wrong it was at the time.

As for telling your husband. I understand your reluctance. I'd ask what do you think telling him everything that happened will achieve? I'm not saying don't do it, I'm no expert. This is the kind of shite we have to deal with, feeling like we can't open up or that a loved-ones opinion of us is going to be changed forever.

When I told one of my sisters what happened she kind of didn't want to know. When I hinted to my ex-h what had happened, he just ignored me. It's a horrible situation and one which I don't know the answer to.

Leaving without knowing further details I can only say I WOULD absolutely trust any of my sisters with my children, and I do. But each individuals circumstances are different. I'm pretty sure one of my elder sisters (not the one I confided in) was abused like me, but she'd never admit it. However, I trust her around my children.

Berts hugs and do whatever is best for you. To me, abuse is abuse, whatever age.

I will have cross-posted probably due to the epic length of this but hopefully I've not missed anyone out. If I have, apologies. x

I honestly don't know what it would achieve. I sort of feel like I should be open with him. But at the same time I don't want to hurt him with the details. Plus an ex that I did tell the details to raped me so obviously I feel wary.

Cailin, it's a tough call.

I always felt that if I'd told my ex-h exactly what was done to me, he would have been wary or unwilling to do various sexual acts with me.

God, does that even make sense???

I think it does in the way that I've always craved affection. Craved it from my family, my mother, my ex.

It's pretty irrelevant anyway in my case as my ex-h was not loving, and I 'gave into' his advances for many years. There was more than one count of what I would now call rape. Domestic violence - but sometimes I gave as good as I got.

[insert 'not proud of that' emoticon]

I am officially having a shitty Sunday. Sorry everyone in advance, but I need to moan here, as I have been crying most of the day and don't want DC to hear me/notice although they know mum is in bad mood.

It's DP.

Basically, I've been getting a hell of a lot of support and understanding on this thread for basically the first time in my life. It's great just saying I feel crap because.. or I feel like this when....or this happened and this awful thing happened...and everyone understands or tries to supportive.

DP knows I'm on this thread almost everyday, and he knows that I've been thinking a lot about all the horrible things I've gone through. A couple of days ago, I woke up thinking of my abuser and explained this to DP as he wanted sex that morning and I had to decline. He seemed fine about this. Truthfully for about the past 3 weeks I couldn't care less about sex but have performed a couple of times but not feeling it much really. Please note: This is the first time I have really declined sex with any regularity.

Yesterday we had a lovely day all just chilled out on the sofa us and DC playing computer games, reading, watching DVDs. In the evening when kids in bed, I attempted to get close to DP - I wanted some affection - I have been craving affection as I am feeling very emotionally vulnerable. DP gets irritated because he's engrossed in something on Tele.

Anyway, we end up talking about why I've not been into sex. I explain in plain English that I need some affection, and if I get affection the sex would probably follow, but what I don't want is just sex. I tell him a lots been on my mind and I'm remembering the abuse, plus there are other issues.

DP reaction is really hard for to understand. He starts saying he 'can't ' be more affectionate - he isn't naturally demonstrative - and asking what i want from him in a semi aggressive manner. I'm completely non-plussed and very upset, but we talk, hug and go to sleep, although I don't sleep well.

So today, DP still wants to talk. I re-explain everything. He starts getting upset again and totally missing the point. I start to cry as I feel quite upset that he's not getting it.

We have somewhere to go. We go, but on the way back DP gets upset over me leaving my bag in front of the car (thieves could break in etc) I say nothing as I know well enough he's not really upset about that. Sure enough, he then announces he's off to his brothers for the day. And he'll 'drop me off and go.' I ask why he suddenly has to go. He says he's already snapping at me and needs to sort his head out. Like it's about him! I'm so hurt, not angry, hurt, because I feel I deserve a little understanding and support when I'm feeling so emotionally raw. Near home I start crying in car and ask to stop now so I can get out and walk as I just want to be alone. I tell him he is not being supportive when I need him to be most. He stops and I start walking. He drives the rest of the way home.

When I get there he's cooking dinner and hangs around for a couple more hours. I don't say one word. Then when dinner's finished he says he's off and he'll see me tomorrrow. I start crying again once he's gone.

Now I am not the crying type. I wasn't even angry like I would be usually. I'm just so upset that I opened up and admitted that the abuse is bothering me and what does he do? He punishes me. He pisses off. I know he's not getting how much this is hurting me. But I feel crucified. I feel like damaged goods and he's reinforcing that. I feel like this abuse is wrecking my relationship and I'm never going to be free.

What makes his reaction so hard for me to understand is DP has female friends, some he's known for years. And god. If one of them rings and says they're depressed, I get a singing regalia of how they must feel. How difficult it is for them. How we must go out and pop by with a bottle of wine so they know we are thinking of them. How we must have their children round so we can give them a break, or so and so has issues with her father, and all the intricacies of emotion she must be feeling. He's always being asked to be Godfather to people's children and I'm always been told how understanding he is.

But me, I say I need something more from him because I'm remembering some pretty nasty things and I get a shoulder. A cold shoulder. I just cannot understand this. I feel so alone . I was alone for years and this feels like that all over again. I told him I'll never open up to him again. He doesn't understand how difficult this all is for me.

Please tell me if you think I'm just feeling sorry for myself and need to lighten up. I can take it from you guys.

Sorry for being a miserable cow on this thread.

No I don't think you need to lighten up. In your DP's defence, perhaps your sadness hits him harder than that of his friends? He sees it as something happening to him as well as to you? Do you think that's fair?

Sorry you're having such a rotten day.

Hugs Avalon, I'm sorry he's left you to sod off to his brothers, you've every right to say how you feel and ask for support. If you had flu you'd decline sex but expect comfort iyswim. Maybe your finding support here is giving you strength and you're addressing things in yourself, he may be finding that hard, although handling it badly. I think he's acting like an arse and should respect you a bit more. I also don't think it's to do with you or what you went through, chin up duck, xx