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Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

999 replies

CailinDana · 16/04/2012 17:38

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

OP posts:
idontbelieveanymore · 21/04/2012 20:47

There is an online form on crimestoppers. I am wondering if I report my step dad for online behaviours they may search his pc equipment? I now I sound like such a wimp and should just phone someone up but I cannot physically 'talk' about it all. I get a lump in my throat and it feels like my throat is closing up and I cannot breathe.

mists - you are not alone in your feelings of just giving up on life. I feel exactly the same most days. I sometimes wish that I would get ill, not mentally but physically, so that people could 'see' I am unwell. Mental stresses are so easily hidden - and I do my best to hide them every day. My oh is upstairs and so I quickly lept on the lap top. I dare not admit that I am on a downward spiral again.

I dreamt of my mum and stepdad again last night. It has been every night for a while again now. They are always there in my dreams and I think about them all day again at the moment. Why can't I just MOVE ON?? I havn't been through an ounce of what you ladies have been through.

CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 21/04/2012 20:52

Idon't, I think CEOP is the unit for online child pornography. Hugs, xx

Totu, thank you so much for your support whilst looking after you poorly DS, you are a fabulous mum and a fabulous friend, hope you have a good sleep, xx

Cailin, thankyou so much for the hugs, you are a fabulous mum and friend too, xx

Dotty, thankyou for your wise words, you fabulous mum and friend aswell,xx

I was really shaken this morning, thankyou everyone for being there for me, iou sorry if I've missed anyone xx

idontbelieveanymore · 21/04/2012 20:55

coffee thank you very much. I hope you are ok and calming down. We are here for you x

dottyspotty2 · 21/04/2012 21:21

idont yes it was I'm sorry didn't mean to offend or upset you the last thing I'd do honestly x

idontbelieveanymore · 21/04/2012 21:29

Oh not at all dotty - just didn't want to butt in on another conversation. Thank you for your replies...this thread and the people on it are truly and utterly the ONLY people that understand.

CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 21/04/2012 22:16

Idon't, you aren't butting in at all, everyone just posts what they want, wether it's a question, answer or random thought, you are very welcome here, to post what you want to who you want.

idontbelieveanymore · 21/04/2012 22:26

Oh coffee - thanks so much for the hug. It is most appreciated! What a shame about your friend's relative. I hope it isn't too traumatic but maybe that is a silly thing to put.

I will go to bed now. I did something...I reported on crimestoppers about possible child porn on my step dads laptop. Who knows if anything will come of it. I have ben having palpitations for the last hour. Not sure if I should expect a knock from police or anything...although it was all anonymous. I am going to bed. I have to sleep now or I will be up all night in a panic. Night all. xxx

dottyspotty2 · 21/04/2012 22:32

idont that took guts my so called brothers had his computer checked DC said he was so cocky about how he'd built it all himself nothing was on it thank fuck some say it was a shame even friends who themselves where abused see their point stronger case against him but it would of been seperate charges anyway was already told that been told things she's not meant to tell me she's more like a friend really. xx

CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 22/04/2012 05:15

Idon't, big hugs, a huge step, well done.

Have not splet, no change, DS taking over text support in the morning lunchtime watching wedding sos, listening to bird chorus.

idontbelieveanymore · 22/04/2012 07:56

Hi ladies - dotty - did they find much on the pc? Did they just go in and seize it? Glad she is more like a friend and giving you a little extra info. It's those little bits of information that help you feel like you have some control back? x

coffee - I haven't said anything to my oh about crimestoppers...but that is because I am not sure what will come of it.
Any news on your friends relative?

dottyspotty2 · 22/04/2012 08:47

Idont no absolutely nothing I'm really hoping I was his last victim. Not sure when they took them as wasn't really with it at first was a total and utter mess nearly had a breakdown with all the trauma and stress I went through but at the time was told up to 6 weeks to analyze it depending how many the techs had to look at it took only 2 weeks and then just afterwards file was sent off to CPS

NHAN · 22/04/2012 09:40

How do you name change on here?

dottyspotty2 · 22/04/2012 09:47

Go into my mumsnet and registration details iirc has a bit with my nicknames or something like that.

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/04/2012 11:00

Hi all :)

How are you doing Coffee? Did you sleep at all?

OP posts:
tb · 22/04/2012 11:36

I think there are several reasons why none of us said anything. I can come up with 2, maybe others can add to it.

  1. No point - not that you wouldn't be believed, just that there would be no reaction, comfort, and that it would be brushed off.
  1. Fear - the sort of 'tell anyone about our secret and I'll kill you/get you df/dm sent to prison' threats.

Anyone any others?

I can remember feeling in the US on holiday that there was nowhere to run to, and that there was no point in telling 'd'm - almost as if I felt she knew it was going to happen and couldn't have cared less. In fact, the flashbacks I suffered for over 20 years were a desperate need to run with the feeling that there was nowhere to run to.

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/04/2012 11:39

WRT why I didn't say anything - the first incident was actually instigated by my mother as she insisted I let the abuser bathe me. So when he did what he did I assumed my mother wouldn't care. I think I figured she knew it would happen and wouldn't be bothered about it. With later stuff I felt ashamed because I participated in some of the stuff. My mother was extremely prudish about sexual stuff so there was no way on earth I was going to mention it to her. I was older then and sort of felt it was my little secret. Only looking back do I realise how fucked up it all was. Basically they gave me affection as well as abuse and I craved the affection so much I was willing to put up with the other stuff.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 22/04/2012 11:41

Not knowing it was abuse due to it happening so young and being groomed, having never been threatened why would you know it's wrong.

dottyspotty2 · 22/04/2012 11:45

Cailin I can relate to that I absolutely adored him as he spoiled me and lavished affection on me.

The first couple of months after disclosure certain things brought memories/flashbacks into my mind. eg simple things like wrapping myself in a towel saw myself as a child in living room with him watching me being dried changed the way I do that now.

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/04/2012 11:50

In my family children weren't allowed to complain about anything so to me it seemed pretty normal that the abuser did things I didn't want. I was used to being told to stop causing a fuss if I ever didn't want to do something so I didn't see the point in complaining.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 22/04/2012 11:55

I very rarely got praise from my family but I remember being praised for not complaining. For example we were walking along a pier on holiday and I was terrified because it was really rickety and I was convinced it would collapse at any minute. I didn't say anything but once we got back on land I said "Gosh, I'm glad to be off that, I really didn't like it!" And both my aunt and mother said "It was very good of you not to say anything, you just carried on, well done." How fucked up is that? They were pleased with me for being terrified and not saying anything! I mean most parents would say "Oh why didn't you tell me you poor thing?" Wouldn't they?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 22/04/2012 11:58

Mine as well not allowed to hate, show anger and was a favourite saying of my parents if you ask you don't get.

Some things where good ways and I brought my own up show respect for your elders BUT you also need to respect children not take them for granted.

dottyspotty2 · 22/04/2012 12:04

I remember feeling like an unpaid servant even all the time I was off ill at 12 I regularly had to clean the house was told off for yawning I was extremely anaemic for a child don't think it would of been to bad in an adult.

I received a box of chocolates and a book off my class when I was ill my dad dictated a thank-you letter that I had to right still remember some of his words now 29 years on.

Another time I had severe bronchitis dr told my dad he had to smoke outside once he'd gone I was told in no uncertain terms I was to leave the room not him.

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/04/2012 12:52

What kinds of things did he get you to say in the thank you letter dotty?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 22/04/2012 12:57

Its the way it was worded more than anything and the grammar far more advanced than the words a just 12 year oldd would write.

I didn't even have the chocolates at least very few of them they did.

While I was at home recovering he was still at it but that's when I inadvertantly stopped him touching me ever again.

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/04/2012 13:00

How did you stop him dotty?

OP posts:
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