Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Morning Everyone,

I didn't have much sleep either. I've been having the odd weird physical flashback where it feels like I've been punched or hit. My cramps last night were horrible and when I tried to sleep I had horrendus just physical flashbacks of the abuse. I was really scared as it was so painful, not just down below but bangs to my shoulder and pain in my ribs/chest. I did some grounding techniques and it's gone now.

I suppose I'm in a place able to deal with it but he is such a fucking bastard

Infact a cunting, twatting, fucking, imbosolic, twunting, fuckwittedly, bastarding cuntface.

Coffee I'm glad you've been able to do some grounding techniques and well done on getting some swearing out.

All abusers are indeed what you say above.

Totu, can I have a hug still scared and needy and sorry for being me me me

Coffee don't you dare say sorry and well done for putting your true feelings across their all fucking arseholes who don't give a toss about the hurt they cause and I for one don't believe they can be rehabilitated because they aren't sick the only 'cure' in my opinion wouldn't happen in a civilised society but they aren't civilised are they x

xxx and don't apologise.

We all have different experiences and you had a bad night, but you are using techniques to help you. That's brilliant in my opinion.

I don't get flashbacks as such (apart from when I see bunkbeds) so I'm a bit limited in what I can offer other than a and an ear to listen when the kids aren't nagging my head off.

Take care of yourself today.

I was trying to find the source of the quote, and it's attributed to Edmund Burke, an 18thC politician.

While looking, I found this, and liked it. Hope you all do, too.

?Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.? (Orison Swett Marden)

I've often felt, applying for jobs, annual appraisals, life in general etc etc, that it's unfair judging people as to where they are with respect to a finishing line as that assumes we all start at the same place. We don't.

well said dotty

Had a lovely phonecall of my counseller this morning to double check I'm ok with finishing and remind me that if things get bad further along the line or if it goes to court I can call and arrange to go back for more, thought it was really nice of her x

tb great quote. No, we don't all start at the same place.

I have always felt a lack of self-worth and insecurity but I do sometimes wonder how much of that is down to the abuse and how much is down to my own genetic make-up. I don't know what the answer is.

Big big hug for you Coffee (will take me a while to get used to the new name!).
I agree with every single word you used.

I agree that they can't be rehabilitated dotty. They're not ill. They know full well what they're doing is wrong and they just don't care. Any sick fuck who is willing to use an helpless child is just beyond the bounds of society and doesn't deserve to have a life.

She sounds lovely dotty.

TOTU - IMO everyone experiences insecurity a certain extent, no matter what their upbringing, so some of it is just normal everyday dealing with life stuff. But I do think abuse affects your self-worth massively. I always believed I had quite a high level of self worth but it was all bullshit really. I project confidence and people think I'm very secure, but deep down I am extremely hard on myself and very judgemental of everything I think and do. I am slowly training myself to be less like that but it's really hard.

I'm so glad you have such a lovely counsellor dotty. How lovely of her to ring you.

Tb, that's a lovely quote

to everyone else, am cuddling old floppy dog teddy

Bit useless today so hugs to everyone. xx

Cailin I hear what you are saying, I just see so much of myself in my daughter. She is as insecure as I ever was. She worries and over-analyses. Maybe she's learnt those insecurities from me.

When I try to gently coach her to be stronger, she says "I can't. I just can't".

Well I have visitors due any minute. Will check back later. x

Once again I am shocked at the abuse people have suffered from on this thread. I have no idea why I never said anything either, pinkparasol. I saw my step dad for years after I moved out and the abuse had stopped. My mother was so jealous of the attention he showed me. I never said a word and still haven't. Although, it is still easily possible for me to let everyone know.

But for some reason, I just do not.

idont Personally I found the disbelieve/2 facedness more hurtful than anything else after everything he did to me she still says he's innocent well all I can say is god help her if I get some sort of justice and she tries to apologise as its far to late and I for one and at least one of my sisters will let rip at her.

Do you you think its possible he's done worse than perving over young girls [not understating what he did] or still a risk if so weigh it up if its worth speaking to someone. xx

Afternoon all! How is everyone? Thanks for the quote tb I'm going to remember that one. Newbies and for your experience, but welcome to the thread. I hope you feel supported and encouraged. Hugs to everyone, hugs TOTU how is your son?

I've had a chilled day today, but yeaterday i woke up thinking about him and his bathroom incidents. Sometimes speaking about things here, means I start to remember more stuff later. DP was feeling amorous and I had to tell him I was having flashbacks and wasn't in the mood. Not in the mood now either. I think I should contact rape crisis too. But wonder if anything will change by talking to them. I'll still be the same person anyway.

You know what I really want sometimes is for it just to never have happened.

No we definitely don't all start at the same place. I felt that really really acutely in my later teens and tweenties and acute feeling of not being as good as everyone else.

I resented my friends who used to complain about what seemed to me their perfect families. they had no idea what life was like in my world. They were confident and doing all sorts of things, going abroad, driving etc. Their parents helped them out.

And I just felt shit and insecure and had no confidence at all, failed at everything I started. It was as if, if I didn't put too much effort in, well then I couldn't be disappointed. I've always had a fatalistic attitude to life, like I'm prepared to die at any moment, without fighting much.

I always plan for the worst and just have none of that 'get up and go' that normal people seem to have. I feel like I'm afraid of happiness. Like If I acknowledge or embrace it. It would never last, and I'd just be hurt, so what is the point?

Had a really relaxing day today workmen never turned up, but made my first ever rainbow cake and its gone down a treat with DH and DS was an experiment to see if it would work out. DD2 has a charity bake sale at college for a children's hospital and head injury charity on Tuesday so asked me to do some baking for it x

Avalon, I know how that feels, I just feel like I'll never catch up. I do have the get up and go but with the couldn't care if I died ie I like storm chasing, climbing mountains etc. Quite stupid but fortunately my sensible part kicks in. Talking does help, my therapist acts like my mum/big sister/best aunt/best friend etc in one, although I have made her cry, I've also made her laugh and made her proud.

Glad you had a good day Dotty :)

Evening all. Last check in for me today.

Mists, thanks for asking. my son is very sleepy and narky. He's been in bed on and off so I am going to sleep while I can and catch up with the last few posts tomorrow.
Goodnight xx

TOTU have a good rest x

Big hug Totu and Totu's DS, x

dotty - Is that question about him having done worse than perving for me ?

I know that before my step dad got with my mum he was with a woman with a young teenaged special needs girl....I think that says it all really. I sometimes try to trace her on face book etc but I have only found her on the Electoral Roll still living with her mother. I used to know the girl as we were neighbours when children and to have five minutes with her would tell me so much....perhaps.

I would really like to make an anonymous tip off. Maybe crimestoppers? The reaction mu step dad had over his computer was quite literally awesome. He had a panic like no other. He must have been downloading child porn or something.

I do not remember any direct physical abuse, just the comments and 'sit on my knee' type remarks. I think he wanted too so badly but knew that if he touched then there would be proof iyswim.

I will have a look at crime stoppers...