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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

999 replies

CailinDana · 16/04/2012 17:38

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

OP posts:
TOTU · 20/04/2012 20:55

Hi PinkParasol. Sorry to hear of your ordeal. I am lucky in the fact I don't have to face my abuser anymore. But in the years I did see him, I never told anyone.

As for how often I think about it...sometimes a lot. Sometimes not all.

Don't apologise or think you are butting in. We are a friendly bunch who can talk about allsorts but hopefully know when to turn on our serious side when someone needs to talk.

I have to sign out for tonight but I hope you are ok for now. x

PlinkPaSta · 20/04/2012 21:02

Totu, sorry am being paranoid, am I not being serious. Reading of abuse triggers me, I'm not the best at handling it but hopefully I am supportive?

PinkParasol, hope I didn't offend you, hope you're ok, x

TOTU · 20/04/2012 21:17

Plink. It was in no way a dig at you, and you have definitely been supportive and helped me feel not so alone by responding to some of my previous posts.

I understand your paranoia. I over analyse everything I post and worry. Sometimes this thread can be my trigger.

I logged back in specifically because of my paranoia! Lol. because I worried I had upset someone. Sigh...

Have a good night and take care Plink, and all others. x

I am reeeeaaaaaaaallllly going now. Honest!

dottyspotty2 · 20/04/2012 21:20

Hi pinkparasol I'm so sorry you went through that I've found many outlets of support ladies here are lovely x

PlinkPaSta · 20/04/2012 21:27

Argh Totu, all we all hopeless, I thought I'd upset you. Glad we can ask and understand each other.

Totu, you are lovely and supportive and a fantastic mum.

Brew for everyone, xx

tb · 20/04/2012 22:01

Hi everyone, not been around for a while, and not had a very good week. Hello to all the newbies on these threads, and to all the others from before.

This week I received a packet from a cousin. He'd very kindly sent me a cigarette case that was my df's during the war. My not so 'd'm had left it to him after she died in Jan. I'm fairly on the asd spectrum, so 'things' are important, and it feels as if my childhood is being dismantled around me.

Also, on Monday, I had an appt with the endocrinologist. Both she and a psychiatrist have said that they don't think my thyroid problem will be sorted and I'll be able to get rid of the xs weight until I've got rid of my mother. Anyway, despite having all the symptoms, and gaining even more weight, she's said that there's nothing more she can do regarding increasing the tablets, and doesn't want to see me for another 6 months.

Went to see my counsellor/psychologist yesterday, and spent most of the time in tears.

It's just crap sometimes, isn't it?

tb · 20/04/2012 22:02

*fairly high on the asd spectrum that should have been! Need to engage brain before pressing 'post'. D'oh Blush

NHAN · 20/04/2012 23:09

Hi everyone!! Just saying hello really and hoping everyone is ok.
I'm feeling sad about deleting all my posts, people don't know what happened to me and I don't feel part of this thread. But one day I will be able to write it all somewhere without worrying i'm upsetting people. I said it was because i didn't feel comfortable with it, but really its because people often say they feel their experience is not as bad and don't feel its such a problem. I don't want to be the reason people don't post.
I'm worried about my sister, I wish I could not care after everything she has done, but I do. She doesn't seem to have any recollection of how evil our parents are and I think has completely blocked everything out. I have very clear memories of things happening to her. Well of her being in a car and being abused by lots of different men, of her in the boot of the car with me, her trying to strangle me when i said i was telling our mother, her pets vanishing, all sorts. I don't know, either she's blocked it out or is keeping quiet for her inheritance, they've cut me out of the will so she'll get the lot anyway

PlinkPaSta · 20/04/2012 23:14

Hi tb, sorry you're having a crap week, my gm died last year and clearing the house was awful primarily because my fuckwit family didn't want me to have anything, even photo's

Do you feel better after psych or are your emotions still up in the air? I used to feel awful for a few days before and after my sessions but like going now.

How are you feeling now?

PlinkPaSta · 20/04/2012 23:19

Hi Nhan, sorry you feel that way about your posts, I wouldn't worry about it, really.

I think maybe your sister (older/younger?) has blocked it all. It might be too much for her. I'm so sorry for you both.

In regards to wills you can contest them.

How you doing ss/house wise?

NHAN · 20/04/2012 23:34

I think/hope the social worker understands more since my solicitor phoned her. I'm feeling more positive about it now. I still don't trust anyone but nobody is taking my children away from me!!! :) Nothing else matters right now. My 4 yr old told me at bedtime he gets bored at daddies because he doesn't play with him at all. I'm hoping this is taken into account when we go to court about access. I have to take them to the childrens centre in the morning for him to see them. Its feels like i'm handing them over to a monster :(
No change on the house front. The mother is still looking for me, offering to be a guarantor and top up hb if needed until i can work. Its just a case of working out which abusive nut jobs are the safest option, mine or my ex's family.
Where do the non abusive people hide??? Is there some sort of secret land that i've been denied access too?? haha

My sister is 2 yrs older. I think she has blocked it and needs to tbh, i think she'll fall apart if she remembers it all. I know i did.

TB yes it is, but it gets better. hugs
Will try to catch up on the posts now

CailinDana · 20/04/2012 23:39

Hi tb, good to see you back. And yes, I have to agree, it's all just a big heap of crap sometimes. Sorry you're having such a tough week. If it helps, just post whatever is going through your head.

NHAN you are part of the thread. I've hardly posted at all about what happened to me, yet I feel part of it. If you'd like to post again about what happened, please do, I don't think you'll upset people. I think people just say "It wasn't as bad..." because they're worried about upsetting others, about making them feel like they're complaining about nothing. I know you wouldn't ever feel that way. We just need to keep reassuring people that no matter what they want to post about they're welcome here.

Thank you for posting PinkParasol. You say a couple of times that you're a "coward." You are not a coward. What your uncle did was absolutely awful. He is the coward, abusing a helpless child and then just acting like he did nothing wrong, horrible bastard. It is totally understandable that you haven't said anything, you don't need to feel cowardly for that.

To answer your question, there are long periods of time where I hardly think about it at all and then there are long stretches when it is on my mind every single day.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 20/04/2012 23:44

I'm so glad the social worker reassured you about your children NHAN, that's great news.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 20/04/2012 23:44

Cailin I feel sometimes I've said to much but for so long I couldn't say anything except the bare basics feel so free these days a new chapter is beckoning in my life.

I still have a long way to go but accepting things for how they are is really helping me get through this time.

CailinDana · 20/04/2012 23:48

Dotty it is wonderful to hear that you're feeling so positive at the moment. It has really made me smile :)

OP posts:
CailinDana · 20/04/2012 23:49

Oh and Plink I think coffeeahorlicks is definitely a good name to go with Grin

OP posts:
NHAN · 20/04/2012 23:51

I don't believe we can ever say too much, how else are we going to protect future generations from this. We need to be open and stop it being so taboo.
My inner child sometimes goes a bit wobbley and shy though, she wishes i would shut the hell up and stop embarrassing her!
I don't think anyone should open up until they are ready though

CailinDana · 20/04/2012 23:54

You are right NHAN.

I must head off to bed, I'm on toddler herding duty in the morning. Sleep well everyone :)

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 20/04/2012 23:55

Well NHAN I was nearly 41 before the time was right for me still have over emotional times and know its still a rollercoaster but I also know I can bounce back a lot quicker now that gives me hope.

CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 21/04/2012 00:14

Plink has been caffinated :o

Cailin, :o the toddler days are fab it's all fab though

Good News about your kids Nhan, brilliant news on the good solicitor. Could you speak to shelter, there are other ways of getting help.

Dotty, big hugs, keep wafting that positivity.

Hugs to lurkers

CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 21/04/2012 00:18

I have awful totm stomach cramps and can't sleep, not normally this bad.

tb · 21/04/2012 00:31

There's a quote, can't quite remember it, something along the lines of - All it needs for evil to flourish is for the good men to do nothing.

There are so many people who don't want to hear about it, talk about it, believe it happens. They are the ones who allow it to continue - apart from the abusers.

For me, that's part of the problem with 'd'm. The tenant of her garage eventually gained control of her financial affairs, has been left £5k, and keeps harping on about he just wanted to get us together over a cup of tea. It's as if he thinks we fell out about something like the flowers I insisted having for my wedding, for God's sake.

Even more, he asked when we could 'drop in' to collect the things left to dd - it's as if he hasn't realised that our village just isn't around the corner from the corner of Wirral where he lives. We're 400 miles south of Calais!!

Some years ago, my lovely uncle gave me his keys to her flat, and also the pass code for the door. He also suggested that I hire a van and take all my stuff, otherwise I wouldn't see it again. I just had this lovely picture of a SuperU van hire van with 'Louez moi' on the side, parked outside her flat with me loading up as much as we could carry. Obvious or what?

The other thing that's pissing me off is that he is refusing to send me details of all the things sent to auction - he was too absent-minded to check whether any of them were mine. There was some 18th C porcelain that a friend of df's gave me, among books and other things. I know it's only things, but....it hurts.

The lady I saw yesterday, was very insistent on my ringing her if I needed to. Later on, I had this blindingly obvious thought, and somehow have wimped out of ringing her - all because I'm not sure how to translate 1 word into French. Gah!

Night all, and hugs all round

tb

CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 21/04/2012 01:01

I'm sure she'd be able to translate or just get the drift tb, I have those moments of remembering little things then something clicks into place.

That saying is a good one, it's like the opposite of see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

Hugs, x

TOTU · 21/04/2012 08:16

Morning ladies. x

Coffee/Plink Bear hug right back at ya...and I only eat sugared donuts please. No jam in the middle - ugh! Grin. Hope you got some sleep and the cramps have gone.

tb I like that quote. Sorry you are finding things tough at the moment. It must be a challenge, the French thing. I can understand your frustration with the specialist appointments. I rang up the other day to see why my boys hadn't had their usual Neurology appointment and was told the Neurologist had discharged them! Nobody bothered to tell me. Hmm

NHAN I'm glad you feel a more reassured with regards to your children.

Dotty I like your positivity. I know it can come in waves. We all get good and bad times but hopefully, eventually, the good will far, far, outweigh the bad.

I've not had much kip. Son slept with me last night and wasn't very well. I look shocking. And I need to clean my house. Well, it'll just have to wait!

Hope everyone has a good day.

dottyspotty2 · 21/04/2012 08:33

Morning got workmen coming to finish fence as well as0friends DH coming to lay base for sjed so need to shake my tail and get up and tidy. House it looks like a bombsite ATM