Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

999 replies

CailinDana · 16/04/2012 17:38

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

OP posts:
PlinkPaSta · 19/04/2012 19:07

Angel, I think being believed does help but you sound like a fighter :o I wouldn't be afraid to talk to your DS but not push it.

Nhan, it is everything to do with this thread, your oh so delightful [sarky face] mother enabled your abuse. Do NOT believe thier poison. My ex and his family and mine must have filled a couple of filling cabinets at SS re my awful [sarky face] mothering. SS saw right through it. Womens Aid also saw it before I did, I didn't think I was being abused!

TheMistsOfAvalon · 19/04/2012 19:09

Sorry I don't mean to scare you NHAN or be negative (I should think before I type). Sorry.

I think it very unlikely that your children will just be removed from you. They'll need more than allegations before they can do anything, and there are also quite a few legal proceedures they would have to go through.

Your family are trying to intimidate and scare you into doing what they want. You need some support, but are doing everything on your own and don't seem able to trust any of them. Try not to listen to their negative talk.

NHAN · 19/04/2012 19:10

Thanks Plink, I'm only now seeing how bad it was. I thought I was a rubbish mother because of the things he did. His parents always made out if I leave their family I will lose the children as I can't do it on my own. I can and I am but I just need my brain to catch up. I know I will give them a very happy life once we're free from all this, but its just so hard at the moment

PlinkPaSta · 19/04/2012 19:13

Avalon, I'm sorry that happened to you, it sounds awful. Hugs. I had a phone assessment with SS, I phoned them as I'd heard they'd been contacted about me and had a bloody long phone call, told them I was depressed etc, they were fine. My DS was older though so it might be different with littley's involved.

Nhan, I'd get onto womens aid, they can help in unexpected ways.

NHAN · 19/04/2012 19:14

I know social services records will follow me everywhere, but i'm hoping once we are free, people will believe it is because he was abusive rather than me being mad.
I have to sort out my anger though. I'm still so full of rage from the fact my abusers got away with everything. I threw a glass earlier (the children were nowhere nearby - no need to report me to SS) but I felt as if I could just keep smashing things forever
Being really really angry and not having an outlet is not good

PlinkPaSta · 19/04/2012 19:20

Yep, been there with the anger, I ran it out though. and burnt pictures of my mother in a metal bucket

Make some bread or dough for thelittley's and punch hell out of it.

TheMistsOfAvalon · 19/04/2012 19:48

Thanks for the hug Plink. I need it today. I feel my life is stagnant and going nowhere very fast. I'm quite fed up at the moment, and all this has got me wondering who I really am. It may sound strange, but I was seriously thinking about changing my name by deed poll the other day. I just feel my real name is associated with so much crap in my life. But I think everyone would just think I'm weird if I do change it and what if nothing changes anyway. But I'm not proud of my real name.

I know I sound weird. I'd like a new life somewhere elsewhere in the country and a new identity. Well that's my escapism fantasy. I don't factor in the kids when I think like thisBlush

TheMistsOfAvalon · 19/04/2012 19:50

I may be off now. Served dinner DP wants to relax. So as I don't want any arguments (gritting teeth) I may not be back later.

If not, good evening and have a great night's sleep xx (hugs)

PlinkPaSta · 19/04/2012 19:58

Haha Avalon, me too, I got a load of baby name books out of the library. I hate my name but ended up with about 10 A4 sheets of names so decided not to change it lazy arse some beautiful names out there. Did the up sticks things twice, good and bad both times. I wouldn't not advise it but would include DC's/(DH?) :o BIIIIG HUGS

idontbelieveanymore · 19/04/2012 20:55

I have just been looking at the Rape Crisis web site and the childhood sexual abuse section. Everything written there resonated with me. I just need to find the courage to ring. But then I do not know what to do. I am not ready to admit to my husband that I have a problem and need some therapy. I am not sure how to make a call like that.

Those of you that have been to a counsellor - how did you initiate it?

dottyspotty2 · 19/04/2012 21:06

I really need to stop buying local papers just been totally sickened a guy I've known since 1996 when his DD started school with my eldest his DS is my DS's age as well, as been done for touching a 15 year old boy and a 12 year old girl as far back as 2004 makes me absolutely sick.

If he hadn't been reported to a support worker he would of still of been a learning support assistant at the college unit where my DS is.

Both my girls are sickened as well.

dottyspotty2 · 19/04/2012 21:11

Idont you just need to make the call you'll find the words.

With me it was organised by the DC who did my interview.

PlinkPaSta · 19/04/2012 21:11

I think Dotty is the only one getting counselling at rape crisis. I think you can email them though and they can send someone out to you. A first email I suppose could be along the lines of "Hi, I'm wondering if you could help me in regards to something I'm finding a bit difficult. I've been reading the website and feel you will be able to help?"
So sorry you're going through this, hugs, xx

PlinkPaSta · 19/04/2012 21:16

That would be a good opener for a call too, a couple of sentences pre prepared so it's not too daunting.

Dotty, hugs, at least he was reported and removed, has he been at least charged if not sentenced?

dottyspotty2 · 19/04/2012 21:22

He's admitted it on sex offenders register waiting for reports now before sentencing, feel so sorry for his kids.

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/04/2012 12:30

How is everyone doing today?

OP posts:
Acuppa · 20/04/2012 13:34

Hello, i have to start by saying i have nothing but good intentions to help children who are suffering. If what im baout to say is upsetting to anyone or innapropriate i will slip away and you wont hear from me again. Im a stay at home mum with rather too many little children who i love so much but i think every day of the children who dont live in loving homes. I have worked with children damaged by abuse in the past, and was told i was the best in my position as assistant psychologist that the manager of this institution had ever worked with, and i was in training to be a clinical paychologist but gave this up due to fertility problems. I want to do something for the children i will never be able to reach. I am thinking what skills do i have that i can use. Ive always wanted to write - who knows if i have it in me, teachers, family thought so, but either way im going to try. i want to write a book that might help children - around the age range of 8, who are suffering from abuse. I dont now exactly what this will look like but before i start on that project i thought i would just ask those of you who suffered abuse at this sort of age: would a story about a protagonsist suffering abuse who discovered one way or another coping strategies have helped you at this age, and if someone had ever said anything to you where simply the verbal message had helped you cope? If this is the wrong place to ask this im very sorry and as i said i will go. I havent read all your posts because i dont feel that it is my place but simply judging from the size of this thread the support you are able to provide for each other is absolutely inspirational. Wrote this in a rush as my life is somewhat of a big rush so sorry about that if it comes across messy. Im quite prepared for you to say that this is a crap idea which is fine!

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/04/2012 13:47

Hi Acuppa. I honestly don't know the answer to your question. I think when I was little I didn't realise I was being abused - for a book to have helped it would have had to describe what was happening to me fairly clearly for it to get the message across. I can't answer for anyone else but I don't think it would have helped. I think it would be difficult to write a book suitable for 8 year olds that would get the message across.

OP posts:
Acuppa · 20/04/2012 13:48

Im also the first name author on a number of published research studies which i did aged 20/21. Just telling you this, and the thing about being in psychology, so you realise that i have a certain amount of ability, and come from a caring position, and also, once my last kids are in the nursery, now have the opportunity to actually do something. But thought i needed to ask you first if there was any point in it. I know for myself when i went through tough times as a child reading helped me - escapism of narnia books for example.

Acuppa · 20/04/2012 13:49

Ok calin. Just x posted. Did think that myself. But also wndered if there might be a way...
Thanks though.

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/04/2012 13:50

Escapism is good, and I had that as I read a lot too. I suppose the difficulty is with writing something directly related to abuse.

OP posts:
PlinkPaSta · 20/04/2012 14:26

Acuppa, :o sorry I'm a wanna be writer and have an idea about this but was going to discuss it with Cailin off thread, hope you don't mind but maybe you could join us?

How you doing today Cailin?

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/04/2012 14:28

I'm ok thanks Plink. Quite tired, but that's not unusual. How are you?

OP posts:
TOTU · 20/04/2012 14:30

Hi Cailin. x. Tough week for me as you know but just wanted to check in. My daughter is off sick too Sad.

Acuppa - I think the problem like Cailin said, is a lot of us didn't realise we were being abused at that age. Everyone has such different experiences so I'd find it hard to envisage a book that could encompass all the issues. Some of us were groomed; some were raped; some abuse involved family members, etc.

I can't say a book around that age would have helped as it wasn't until I was around 15/16 that I realised just how wrong it all was.

I too was and am an escapist. I read a lot of crime fiction and like to switch off whenever I possibly can.

This is rambly. I can see what you are trying to do. I hope you get some more opinions.

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/04/2012 14:31

How's your son TOTU? What's up with your little girl?

OP posts: