Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to be married.

288 replies

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:15

I'm probably very unreasonable but I have been thinking about this for a long time and have never spoken to anyone about this except my longer term partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have 2 wonderful DDs. Thing is we never got married. There has always been something else we wanted to spent the money on and I have always been fine with that. We bought a house together, did it up and moved in to the house we always wanted but could not afford previously a few years ago. It is not a mansion, by all means but it is a nice little semi in a lovely road.

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have. What I really want is to go to a registry office with the 4 of us and simply get married. He keeps telling me that he thinks things are just fine as they are and that he is not going to run off with someone else. I don't seem to be able to get the message across that this has nothing to do with it and that I really want to be like everyone else my age and be married.

I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ...

Maybe I'm am being very selfish by wanting to be married but my partner knows how important this is to me and by not wanting to be married I think he is being equally selfish, considering he knows how important this is to me.

Opinions please...

OP posts:
alienreflux · 13/04/2012 10:22

hia rebel! im in a very similar situation, 2 gorgeous children, happily 'together' but my oh doesn't want to get married either, well, he says he does, but we cant afford it, no matter how many 'near no money' ideas i come up with. my biggest problem is having a different last name to my kids, its just not fair. in the hospital when my baby girl was born (almost a year ago she had my surname on her wrist band, and all the nurses were calling her 'baby...' he didnt like it at all, and said to my mum im gonna marry her, but since we registered her, and times passed hes not bothered. but finishing a perfectly good relationship? are you sure?? splitting the family up and losing a good man for this longing to be married does seem extreme,but im not underestimating the strength of your feelings, what if you said to him that you were seriously considering it?maybe that would be enough? he may say he knows how much it means but he cant do or he wouldnt risk it surely? however, he would be doing it because of fear of losing you, but if thats ok, it might be worth a shot. me? think im gonna change my name on the internet and be happy ive got a wonderful man and children. good luck xx

seeker · 13/04/2012 10:27

So you would rather dump your long term partner and the father of your children and find someone else than stay with him unmarried?

What the actual F? How old did you say you were?

nizlopi · 13/04/2012 10:28

If he doesn't want to get married, and you force him into it, you'll just feel even more shitty, trust me.

Also, ask yourself, do you want to marry him because you love him and want to be with him for the rest of your life, or because all your friends are doing it/have done it? If you're willing to break up over this, then I think you know your answer.

queenofthepirates · 13/04/2012 10:30

Easy Seeker, that's going a bit far. Rebel has a right to feel this way, she might not act on it but it's not uncommon to want to cement her relationship with her loving partner.

PooPooInMyToes · 13/04/2012 10:33

Wow so getting married is REALLY important to you! What is it that you like about the idea? You mentioned that everyone else is married . . . Is that why? Or for financial security? What exactly is it? It might help you if you know why and for him to understand.

So he has said that he is happy to get married but only if you have a big do which you can't afford. Is that right? Do you think he means that or is using it as an excuse? What about a compromise? Pop the the registry office and then a big party for eg.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:34

Thanks Alien,

What you are saying sounds very familiar. Me too I find it hard that my DDs have a different surname. Every time I need to get anything official done I have to add " we have a different surname, we are not married". This is something else I feel miffed about. Had I been in a situation where he had told me that he would never get married before we registred our DDs I probably would have registred them in my name. The fact that we are generally a happy family has kept me going for years and I never believed this would turn in to such a big issue, but sadly this is how I feel and just being happy families is just no longer enough for me. I just wished I knew what is wrong me with me...

OP posts:
Leverette · 13/04/2012 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:37

Thanks for your imput seeker but I really don't need comments like that. How do you think this is helpful.

Thanks for your understanding.

OP posts:
seeker · 13/04/2012 10:39

Of course it's not uncommon to want to cement the relationship, but in this case, being married is being seen as more important than the relationship!

seeker · 13/04/2012 10:40

And maybe it's time for a reality check!

nizlopi · 13/04/2012 10:40

Comments that don't agree with you do not necessarily = unhelpful.

Mumsyblouse · 13/04/2012 10:40

I know this is the trivial part of it, but you can change your name to a family name if you want to. I am married, but have a different (professional) surname than the rest of my family. I don't mind this in the slightest, but if it bothers you, start calling yourselves all by the family name you have chosen.

About the commitment, I can't tell if he's really against it or whether he wants a big do. If it's the big do, suggest a compromise between 4 people and a huge wedding, we had family only and a lovely dinner in a beautiful restaurant, and it was less than £1000 including dress and everything.

If it's that he never wants to marry, as there's some emotional or symbolic issue, perhaps you should go and make wills/sort out your financial affairs so you have the same rights as a married couple (although not all can be sorted this way, most of it can) and it might prompt him into getting married.

But being married is not all that, really, esp. if you have two lovely children and a long history together. I think you need to dig more about WHY he doesn't want to marry and if he really really will want to lose you more than get married, my guess is not.

LyssaM · 13/04/2012 10:43

Registry Office for four is probably hugely cheaper than arranging wills (you do have wills in place, don't you), making sure death benefits are correct (you are named on any death benefits) and also stuff like being part of his pension.

If he dropped dead tomorrow you would need a huge paper trail to get all that you needed and were entitled to. Or you could get married.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:46

I seem to struggle to understand that if he knows how important this is to me that he doesn't want to do it. I think the money thing is just an excuse.

If I knew that something is really important to him I would do it. I think ignoring something knowing how important it is to your partner is equally selfish. You can not force someone to marry, but is it fair to force someone to live "unmarried".

We had talked about marriage before we bought our house and had the kids, which I think is important and the understanding was that we would get married some day. He never said that getting married was something he didn't want to do. Had he done so I would have known.

OP posts:
Flightty · 13/04/2012 10:49

I understand how you feel.

I find the marriage thing really difficult.

I read somewhere (oh, that book - the 'not into you' one) that if a guy doesn't want to marry you, he's not, erm, really into you. I'm not sure if I hold with this.

I've known people be together for many many years and only marry when they got to their 50s or 60s, because they just decided it was time, and people who have stayed together a long time, not married, and then decided they rather wanted to marry someone else instead. (DP did this...left long term partner he had never married, and decided to marry me! Oh dear Blush)

It does sound as though you have massively entwined lives and are both very committed though. Which is more than a lot of people have, so you're doing ok imo.

Personally, and this is all I can offer really - if I am with someone and I love them very much and we get on well, etc etc, yes I'd like to be married. We haven't yet as financially it's going to be a big commitment and a big change, but knowing we have agreed to marry one day is important to me.

I think that's just because it's culturally driven into us that that's what you do if you love someone. Nothing more, nothing less. And as you say, having to explain all the time to other people that you're not married is very tiresome and sometimes it's nice just to fit in, isn't it?

I've already had to remind strangers that I don't have a husband yet, he's my partner, and they still insist on saying 'your husband'...we only got engaged in February.

I hope you manage to resolve it.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:52

LussaM,

That is another issue that worries me. We have wills etc.. but the last thing one needs is to find that things are not as in order as I we think they are.

OP posts:
HandMadeTail · 13/04/2012 10:58

Why is being married so important to you?

Is it the financial side of things? Get wills drawn up.

Is it the name thing? Change your name either formally or informally.

Is it standing up in front of people saying you want to be with this person until the day you die? The only solution for this one is to get married. (Or have some other "non-marriage" celebration where you do it)

Does DP have a problem with any of these things?

Flightty · 13/04/2012 11:04

I do think, though, that some people, or some men or whatever do still consider that unless they are married to you, they are not bonded to you for the indefinite future.

I think this is partly why DP never married his partner. He was married once before for 10 years or so, divorced, and swore blind never to marry again. So he stayed with his new partner for about 18 years, mostly living away and going back every few weeks, and settled into it but never made that commitment. I don't think he wanted to, I don't know why.

And then we met and within a few weeks we were talking about getting married. So I don't know. I don't think I'm any more worthy or special - just that there's something in the relationship that makes him want to do that, and he didn't before. This ain't a stealth boast of any sort, sorry, just trying to illustrate that sometimes no marriage = easy way out if something that works better comes along. Sad

McFluffster · 13/04/2012 11:08

You're in a tricky situation because he seems to have gone back on his word a bit and now you are tied to him with a family.

FWIW I don't think marriage is very important in our culture these days. Nobody else probably places any importance on it with respect to your relationship but because it is something that means a lot to you, you have built it up in your mind.

Flightty · 13/04/2012 11:17

People do though. A lot of people do....having been a single parent for 9 years I have encountered so much prejudice about this.

I wear a ring now quite often, because we're engaged and because I want other people to treat me with the same respect that married women/mothers are given.

Of course your friends and the nicer people out there usually treat you with respect anyway but there are a LOT of people I know who put me in a different compartment simply because I'm not married. It's like I've cheated somehow and don't deserve the same recognition as a mother who has children within a marriage.

And in a sense I sometimes feel inclined to agree with them, only about myself of course. I want to show people that I am worthy of being loved by someone, made a commitment to, etc etc even if I was not before. So getting married means a lot to me. (fwiw we're not having a big ceremony, and wouldn't even if we could afford it!)

Flightty · 13/04/2012 11:19

That was a bit too honest wasn't it Blush

there you go, laid bare. Not marrying him for the sake of a ring though, you understand. That's not it at all.

dreamingbohemian · 13/04/2012 11:20

Marriage is important to some people -- I'm one of them actually. I can't explain why but I don't think it's a negative thing. Rather, I see marriage as a very positive and lovely thing and something I want to share with the man I love. I would have been quite sad if DH refused to get married. In the end we really had to, otherwise we would have had crazy immigration issues for the rest of our lives.

I suppose I'm too old school about it, but I think it's a bit odd to be willing to make such a huge commitment to someone by having children together, but not to marry them. And if you don't want to get married because you don't care about marriage, it is really such a big deal to spend one afternoon at the register and the pub, if it would make your partner so happy?

I have also known any number of men who 'didn't believe in marriage' and then left their long-term partners and children and married someone else.

I don't think you should break up the family over this though -- is counseling a possibility? Either for yourself, or both of you so that you can find a way to communicate about this better.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 11:20

HandMadeTail - I'm not sure why it now seems all that important to me, while it wasn't a big deal lets say about 5 years ago.

I guess that in a way I sort of agree with what Flightty is saying, and perhaps time has now come for me to wake up, smell the coffee and move on with someone who does appreciate/love me enough to make that commitment. When I say this to him he tells me that I'm just being stupid.

I know that there is not much point in thinking "what if". BUT I think that if I'm honest with myself, and had he told me before we had our DC when we talked about things that he would never get married I think I would have walked away.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 13/04/2012 11:23

Just to clarify -- I don't think it's odd if people don't get married, if both people are happy about it. I just think it's harsh if one person wants to get married and the other person doesn't want to, if they have children together and are already that committed.

nizlopi · 13/04/2012 11:26

I have also known any number of men who 'didn't believe in marriage' and then left their long-term partners and children and married someone else.

Isn't it up to them to change their mind though? Maybe they weren't happy with the 'long term' partner and didn't want to make that commitment to them? I personally wouldn't want to marry someone who wasn't 100% into the idea. Divorce is expensive, time consuming and from what I've seen, a huge ball ache.