I want to be married.

[IamRebelling]

I'm probably very unreasonable but I have been thinking about this for a long time and have never spoken to anyone about this except my longer term partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have 2 wonderful DDs. Thing is we never got married. There has always been something else we wanted to spent the money on and I have always been fine with that. We bought a house together, did it up and moved in to the house we always wanted but could not afford previously a few years ago. It is not a mansion, by all means but it is a nice little semi in a lovely road.

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have. What I really want is to go to a registry office with the 4 of us and simply get married. He keeps telling me that he thinks things are just fine as they are and that he is not going to run off with someone else. I don't seem to be able to get the message across that this has nothing to do with it and that I really want to be like everyone else my age and be married.

I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ...

Maybe I'm am being very selfish by wanting to be married but my partner knows how important this is to me and by not wanting to be married I think he is being equally selfish, considering he knows how important this is to me.

Opinions please...

I hope you manage to sort it out. Let us know what you decide.

I do think that perhaps the OP's wish to be married is an awareness that actually something's not right with this relationship. IAR, you said that every major decision has been driven by you so far (when to move, when to have DC) and I wonder if you feel, deep down, that this man is still not entirely commited to you and still wants to have what he percieves as an escape route, and so you are pushing for more and more commitment and trying to seal that escape route off.
That doesn't mean that I think he's the one in the right, either: I don't think it's particularly ethical to 'go along with' a relationship when you know that your partner sees you as The One whereas you see the partner as Will Do For Now.
It's possible that your relationship is a bit of a silent battleground, with you being the 'controlling' one who decided about the house and the DC and him digging his toes in on marriage to remind you that actually he has the POWER to withold full commitment from you by refusing to set a wedding date when he knows how much you want to be married.

One last thing: I am 47 and have never married. People do not spit at me in the street. I do not have to wear a sign round my neck. I am very happy that I have remained single all my life and will remain so forever. Don't let the myth that marriage is all women's prize to aim for spoil the good in your life.

Its all about appearances isn't it? its only 'humiliating' because you fear being judged. so would I but I recognise i have low self esteem.

OP: I'm going to generalise here. Oh, and stereotype as well.

In my experience, it's the people who have never been married who want to be married more than anything. Those who have married and are divorced or separated have had the sharp edges rubbed off their views by their experience.

I do sympathise with you, but at the same time, being married is not the be all and end all. I would agree that there are relationships (unmarried) which are more meaningful than some (married).

The only thing I would say is that if you stay in this relationship, make absolutely sure that you get you are entitled to. So many people do stay in relationships and end up having no legal rights to property etc. when the relationships come to an end.

I haven't read the whole thread but here's my tuppence worth.

It always make me a bit when men don't seem to want to marry their long term partners who have had their DCs. Surely if you truely love someone and want them to feel secure and happy, then why wouldn't you marry them?

I married my DH when I was 6 months pg with DC4, we were recommended to for legal reasons by a solicitor (business, DC with SNs, child from my previous marriage, inheritance tax etc) not very romantic but we love each other so why wouldn't we get married?

I also have a cousin who refused to give her partner's name to her DC unless he married her. And fair play to her. His argument was that they had got the house etc, why does she need to be married but again, if it's not a big deal, then why not? He did marry her whilst she was pregnant, a small registery office do and they are still together some 23 yrs later.

Also next door neighbour married his long term partner on her deathbed (literally, she died a couple of hours later). They had been together 25 yrs with 1DC and her dying wish was to be married ....... The Registrar helped her sign the register (not strictly allowed but everyone looked the other way). So there is something special about being married and wanting to be married.

OP I don't think you are wrong to want to be married, I have a friend in the same position as you and it does upset her especially as her partner was married before. But I don't think I would split up a family because of it, communication is the key here.

Good luck.

SollidGoldBrass,

He was the one who wanted the children early on in the relationship. We had only been living together for 2 years. I would happily have waited a bit longer and get married first!

The decisions driven by me are mainly moving, changing the car, deciding that it is really time to book a holiday or we will be left with not much to choose from etc...

We don't know all the ins and outs of this.

It is entirely possible that the OP is not in the wrong, and her partner is not in the wrong.

He said he wanted to get married. He may have now changed his mind. That's fine. Not wrong.

She seems to have been clear from the beginning about wanting to get married. Getting married has significance and is important to her. That's fine. Not wrong.

The problem is, as the OP says, it is coming down to a 'my way or his way' solution. Either one of them wins, or the other does.

It's a fair question: 'How would you feel being married to a man who only did it to keep you happy?'

It's also a fair question: 'How would you feel knowing that your partner wants to get married, is made very unhappy by the fact that she is not in a married relationship, and you know you that will never in fact happen, even though you told her it would?'

If they break up over this, it's not the OP storming off because she can't have a wedding. It's not the partner breaking up the family because he won't keep his promises. It's two adults who have come to a stage in their relationship where they both want two different, incompatible things.

I think the issue is the fact that he said he wanted to get married and that the OP has acted on the assumption that this is true . If he had never wanted to be married then that is fair enough. I don't think the OP should be trying to change his mind now. However, if he said he would get married one day but now doesn't, I doubt it is his feelings towards marriage that have changed, so that means it is his feelings towards the OP that are different. No wonder this has all come to a head - something clearly isn't right even if it seems OK on the surface.

She wants a commitment so that she feels he wants to be with her and it is a decision he is happy with. As it stands at the moment, I would be doubting his motives for being with the OP. He sounds very laid back so it wouldn't be surprising if he doesn't want to rock the boat because life is easy and comfy and can't be bothered even if he isn't sure deep down that he wants to be with her forever.

I also don't get that mortgages and children are as much of a commitment as marriage. If you believe that and you have made these greater commitments why not just get married just to make sure that you are on as secure a legal footing as possible?

However, I don't think that is true. Mortgages are easy to get out of. You sell up or remortgage - trickier in these difficult economic times but as difficult as ending a relationships? I don't think so.

And if you decide to have children, surely you are making a commitment to the children not your partner. You can parent a child without being a couple. You don't suddenly cease to be a parent if your other half isn't with you any more whether that be via relationship breakdown or even death. Having children together doesn't really say that much about how your feel about your partner - maybe you just want children?!

I have been in this situation, DH said we would get married when DS1 was born and he took DH name, I agreed to DS having his surname on this basis, years later I was still waiting, he kept saying he would ask, he never did.

In the end I'd had enough, there were more and more instances of doctors etc assuming I was Mrs xxxx, as you say, it was important to me, I wanted to be married, I wanted the same name as DS, I wanted to be Mrs xxxx, and felt he was not being respectful to me, I'm good enough to be mother to his children and share the joint mortgage and wash his pants etc but not to marry.

Most importantly to me, I wanted the legal and financial protection it would give me, his parents I knew would not be fair to me and DS if DH had died, and anything they could take, they would have done.

There were also problems at the birth of DS, and I hated the thought that in my 30s my parents, who by this point didn't know me very well, were my next of kin, would be the ones making decisions, organising my funeral etc, I felt like a child. (Not sure if that is legally correct, but this is what the hospital were saying to DH and what I believed to be true)

Then one of his friends died in a car crash, his friend's parents took the house, life insurance money and car etc from friend's partner who he had been with and lived with for 15 years (no children) and they organised the funeral, she had no say at all. (yes they should have had better wills, changed the deeds on house etc when she moved in but they had just drifted along thinking they had forever)

We have been married 7 years now and have had further children, I still much prefer being married and am so pleased we did it, DH says it is better as well and wishes he'd just asked me years before, I feel much more secure and can really see where you are coming from, I don't think it childish as suggested, I didn't want to get married in my twenties at all, ever.

Speak to him and see what is going on, as it isn't clear if his reason is financial, can't be bothered with the hassle or doesn't want to. You pretty much are married anyway, so what is holding him back.

Our wedding cost about £1000, we had registry office, flowers, outfits inc bridesmaids and an evening party for that.

cant you still make an occasion of it but do it on the cheap?

HoppinFedUp and some others have posted compelling real life situations why you are correct IamRebelling and shows that what was suggested further up that "most liberal, educated young people I know find the concept of the nuclear family quite outdated" actually isn't outdated at all

I am shocked that someone with kids in a decent long term relationship would choose to end that relationship because their partner did not want to get married.

It strikes me as a very selfish act which will have negative consequences for everyone else in the family.

It is perfectly reasonable to not want to get married. And there are many valid reasons, none of which have anything to do with lack of commitment.

I've been in a relationship with DP since 1998 and have two kids. If my DP turned round and issued me with that ultimatum I would be furious.

But Amateur if you both feel that you have made total commitment then that is fine.

For the OP there seems to be a level of commitment missing. This isnt about judging other people's relationships but one's own.

The OP hasnt said that everyone should be married but that she wants to be and that on the one hand her partner is saying it isnt important while on the other that a wedding should involve a big swanky do which they cant afford right now. If it didnt matter then it wouldnt matter if they just rocked up to the registry office and did the deed.

As it is, it seems that it does matter to the partner and as a PP suggested while for OP he is 'the one', the implication is that for her partner she is 'the one for now'.

BiL split from his long-term partner a while back. During the relationship both had said that marriage didnt matter, mortgage was the commitment, etc etc.

Both met new partners and got married!

Amateurish, I presume you never told your DP you would get married someday, and he continued the relationship on that basis.

I think the OP might be out of line if her DP had always made it clear he would not want to get married, but that's not the case.

But it isn't an ultimatum, she is simply asking him to fulfill his agreement to get married. He said earlier in the relationship that they would get married and he hasn't kept his side of the bargain. I don't think he has any right to be 'furious'. Surely the one who has been let down and finds the goalposts have changed has the right to be furious not the one who changes his mind?

didnt he say he would, but wanted to make an occasion out of it?

Amateurish IamRebelling isn't issuing an ultimatum, she's saying this relationship is no longer working for her as it is.

She doesn't feel cherised, loved, secure, safe, happy etc (or whatever is appropriate to IamRebelling)

Those are her feeling, she shouldn't have to stifle them for the sake of the children and so she isn't selfish. Nobody is going to be happy that way.

I am amazed ath these people who feel looked down on because they are not married. Anyone who would do this is not worth bothering about.

And if all that is wrong with the relationship is that they are not married it strikes me as irresponsible to destroy everything over the issue.

if you would choose to end the relationship over this, then I hate to say it, but I think hes right to be cautious about marrying you really.

But the point is that is how you feel Seeker.

If my DH had said 'one day' at the outset of our relationship but in fact meant 'never' then I think I would feel humiliated. As though on permanent approval and never quite making the grade.

But that's only if you think being married is somehow superior to not being married. That co- habitant is a second class relationship, and a wedding is "every girl's dream"

I think that the fact that you want marriage so much should be enough.If he doesnt want it then he is not as fully committed as you are.I understand that some couples are happy unmarried but in your case you are not.If he truly loves you and is committed to your lives together then he will agree.If he doesnt he is saying he wants the freedom to walk away-maybe you should consider doing that first.The decision to marry shouldnt be hard-its not about the wedding its about the marriage.Fwiw I think he is very wrong in his attitude-give him a bit of a push this weekend.

seeker - Legally cohabiting is ineferior to marriage. It's impossible to legally emulate marriage.

I think the problem for the OP is that if the partner really thinks it doesnt matter in why doesnt he just go along with it? In that situation for him it would be no more important than not having an opinion on soft-furnishings. A loving partner would go along with it because it made his/her partner happy.

Of course then if the partner does think it is important, what are the implications for the OP?

Seeker, for me, cohabiting was second class (I am not judging other people's relationships only my own). The wedding bit is different (I had the smallest wedding I could get away with).