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Original poster

I want to be married.

288 replies

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:15

I'm probably very unreasonable but I have been thinking about this for a long time and have never spoken to anyone about this except my longer term partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have 2 wonderful DDs. Thing is we never got married. There has always been something else we wanted to spent the money on and I have always been fine with that. We bought a house together, did it up and moved in to the house we always wanted but could not afford previously a few years ago. It is not a mansion, by all means but it is a nice little semi in a lovely road.

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have. What I really want is to go to a registry office with the 4 of us and simply get married. He keeps telling me that he thinks things are just fine as they are and that he is not going to run off with someone else. I don't seem to be able to get the message across that this has nothing to do with it and that I really want to be like everyone else my age and be married.

I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ...

Maybe I'm am being very selfish by wanting to be married but my partner knows how important this is to me and by not wanting to be married I think he is being equally selfish, considering he knows how important this is to me.

Opinions please...

OP posts:
McFluffster · 13/04/2012 13:56

That was a really nice description Flightty. I just don't think marriage features in it for everyone.

PopcornGrace · 13/04/2012 13:57

Well said Flightty!

seeker · 13/04/2012 13:58

Are youreally saying you would break up your family over this? Really?

JeanBodel · 13/04/2012 13:58

If I went into a long-term relationship with a man, got a house together, had children together, all on the understanding that we were going to get married, and then he turned around and said, 'sorry love, I've changed my mind, I'm never going to marry you', I'd be pretty pissed off.

OP, you need to talk to him and get a straight answer. Does he want to get married or not? Because as someone said, it sounds as though he is using the money thing as an excuse.

If a man says he wants to marry you, then changes his mind, that's a fine reason to break up a relationship.

nizlopi · 13/04/2012 13:59

Whatever happened to 'No is a complete sentence'? I see that said a lot on here.

In this case, sorry, but I think its enough. If you're badgering him and issuing ultimatums left right and center, then yeah, he has the right to say no and deal with your 'consequences'

Ephiny · 13/04/2012 14:03

"I really don't think that "I don't want to" is a good enough. I believe that if you have respect for your partner a bit more of an explanation of what is behind the reasoning is the least one can do."

Have you given him an explanation of you reasoning, other than 'everyone else is doing it'? Because he might be forgiven for thinking that is not good enough either!

Ephiny · 13/04/2012 14:03

your reasoning

sinisterduck · 13/04/2012 14:05

Hmm... I understand the feeling that marriage is 'special' but its simply not true.

I have been in a commited relationship for 20 years without marriage, and during that time I have watched many of my friends marriages end.

Being unmarried does not mean your relationship is not at the same level, or transient, or inferior.

You still feel 'BAM this is the one, I'll never let him go, this is Mr Right' etc. And yet that does not mean you necessarily need to stand up in front of all your friends and say that- you know it in your heart- IYKWIM?

Dont confuse marriage with commitment because IMHO they are very different things.

PopcornGrace · 13/04/2012 14:06

IamRebelling - you sound very sensible and rational but I think Nizlopi is right. He has said he doesn't want to marry you and that is his right. He shouldn't have to do something he doesn't want to do or be pushed into it. However, he (like the rest of us!) have to deal with consequences of our decisions.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 14:08

Whatever happened to 'No is a complete sentence'? I see that said a lot on here.

//

Perhaps that works for you but, it is not how I deal with people and I don't issue people with ultimatums left right and center. Whatever decision is made it is down to both of us.

OP posts:
Yummymummyyobe1 · 13/04/2012 14:11

It is more important to be happy than married. I was married and it didn't work out after 6 months, We had been together for 8 years. Marriage changes things more than you think.

I am now very happy with my DP and our baby on the way and feel more committed now than I ever did with my xhusband. Do what is right for you as a couple.

xx

nizlopi · 13/04/2012 14:15

It would work for me if someone was trying to pressurise me into doing something I wasn't comfortable with.

Just because you are unhappy with his reasons for not wanting to be married doesn't make them wrong, just like me disagreeing with you here doesn't make me wrong. I just hope that you can see that your partner has an equal say in this situation just as you do, and that if you do break up over it, then its an equal decision. You want to get married, he doesn't. You are the one who wants to end the relationship because of it, he has the choice of going along with your demands, or sticking to how he feels.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 14:15

Being unmarried does not mean your relationship is not at the same level, or transient, or inferior.//

Legally it is very much inferior. Unmarried people are often treated differently. My DDs find it strange that their friends parents are married so; so why aren't you and dad married. The list is endless...

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 13/04/2012 14:21

I can understand why some people want to be married before having children, or buying a house together, because of the sense of security/public commitment/legal situation. In that case, saying 'If we don't get married, I'm ending the relationship' is absolutely fair enough.

But when there are already children involved, it feels rather unkind to play a high-wire game like this. I'm sure your DDs would prefer you were together but unmarried than separated!

sinisterduck · 13/04/2012 14:22

Legally: Not if you have joint mortgage/wills/life insurance etc.

As for being treated differently- I have not felt that but I guess it depends on your family & friends circs.

I get that this is not a situation you are happy with and it seems you dont want to stay with your DP anymore unless you are married.

So lets say he agrees as he wants to stay with you. Will you be happy on the day, looking into his eyes, knowing why he agreed? Knowing he does not want to marry you, and did it to keep the peace?

Or if he decides not & you split up- I expect your DDs will find it strange that you are seperated. I'd take not-married but toether over seperated any day- and I bet they would prefer that too!

schroedingersdodo · 13/04/2012 14:24

i'm with Jeanbodel, he led you to believe you'd be married someday. You have the right to want to get married and you must be respected. If he refuses, you have the right to act as you see fit.

Btw, i'm married and have my own surname and it doesn't make me less married than someone who changed her name.

Collaborate · 13/04/2012 14:26

If he doesn't want to get married, why should he do so anyway just to please you? It's not like you're deciding what colour scheme to have in the lounge, is it? You both have to really want to get married. Don't turn yourself into a nightmare over this, or you really will destroy your relationship with him.

Flightty · 13/04/2012 14:33

The thing is though Fluffster, he clearly recognises the significance of marriage as he has said he wants to do it properly....yet, he has made no attempt to do this so far.

There's a paradox in his case....either he doesn't see the point of marriage and therefore is justified in keeping on just keeping on, with the OP, how it is now, and who can criticise that? No one. Some folk just don't see the point.

OR he sees the point of marriage, which he appears to as he said he wants a proper wedding, and in that case why is he putting the brakes on instead of going for it with the OP?

Maybe he just doesn't see the point of it with her. (sorry) or maybe he's faking it about wanting the big do, just to have an excuse not to go for it, and in either of these cases it's not looking great.

The final option is what he's said (I think - not entirely sure) which is that he wants a big wedding with the OP but doesn't think they can afford it at the moment. In which case she seriously needs to find out WHEN he thinks it will be a possibility, so that she knows where she stands.

(I think I have covered everything. If I haven't, point it out!)

Flightty · 13/04/2012 14:35

and I agree btw that if he is genuinely reluctant, it is not worth trying to persuade him.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 14:39

So lets say he agrees as he wants to stay with you. Will you be happy on the day, looking into his eyes, knowing why he agreed? Knowing he does not want to marry you, and did it to keep the peace?

^^
If he doesn't want me, than what reason is there for me to stay. I don't think I should stay to keep the peace either. I find being unmarried at my age a humiliating experience. That is for me personally, I understand that for some people it works but it doesn't for me.

I have a joint mortgage, life insurance, will etc... and I can change some of these with one simple phone call without his knowledge or agreement and so can he. So much for security.

OP posts:
nizlopi · 13/04/2012 14:41

Just because he doesn't want to marry you, doesn't mean he doesn't want you.

I don't see a happy ending in this story at all.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 14:45

Just because he doesn't want to marry you, doesn't mean he doesn't want you.

//

It does to me.

Anyway thanks for your comments all, very much appreciated.

OP posts:
McFluffster · 13/04/2012 14:45

That's true. Hopefully it's just a financial thing rather than him being vehemently against the idea which isn't such a huge obstacle. They could look at more cost effective options or start thinking about a date in maybe a few years' time, whenever is feasible.

I know when we looked at getting married abroad there were packages to which you could add around £1k to the cost of a typical family holiday which would cover the whole wedding while you were out there, all legal fees, the reception etc plus sonebody to organise it all. Go on holiday, come back married for a fraction of what it would cost here and maybe have a party for friends and family (not paying wedding breakfast/reception prices) when you get home. That could be a pretty good compromise.

nizlopi · 13/04/2012 14:45

It does to me.

Then I'm sorry, but that's your issue, not his.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 14:52

So far we have never done his and mine. Every issue we had over the last 15 years has always been ours...

OP posts:
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