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Original poster

I want to be married.

288 replies

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:15

I'm probably very unreasonable but I have been thinking about this for a long time and have never spoken to anyone about this except my longer term partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have 2 wonderful DDs. Thing is we never got married. There has always been something else we wanted to spent the money on and I have always been fine with that. We bought a house together, did it up and moved in to the house we always wanted but could not afford previously a few years ago. It is not a mansion, by all means but it is a nice little semi in a lovely road.

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have. What I really want is to go to a registry office with the 4 of us and simply get married. He keeps telling me that he thinks things are just fine as they are and that he is not going to run off with someone else. I don't seem to be able to get the message across that this has nothing to do with it and that I really want to be like everyone else my age and be married.

I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ...

Maybe I'm am being very selfish by wanting to be married but my partner knows how important this is to me and by not wanting to be married I think he is being equally selfish, considering he knows how important this is to me.

Opinions please...

OP posts:
noddyholder · 15/04/2012 07:21

Got the good without paying for them wow

Flightty · 15/04/2012 07:35

What's the hold up? We have a LOT to organise! And to get used to, and to adjust to and my children need to adjust also....we didn't just say, hey, we love each other, let's get married right now! because that would mean DP had to move in straight away and pay for everything and start being a father to my children immediately. And we're actually taking it a bit more slowly than that because it wouldn't be fair to suddenly announce he was moving in and going to be their new father.

Do you have children LF? If you do, surely you can understand that. We have the emotional connection that means we wish to be committed to one another in the eyes of the world, and already are to each other, but my children deserve some time to get used to the idea and we need to organise everything else as well.

So the intention is there and the feelings are there and it's all fine, but we're not going to do it immediately because it's not that simple.

What on earth is wrong with expressing a commitment, and an intention to commit long term, but not being ready in practical terms to actually tie the knot legally? How does that make us 'odd'? I don't understand.

Sometimes I think I'd prefer to be engaged for ever and not get married just so that we didn't have to sort out all the paperwork...it's still a commitment, or at least, an intention to commitment. I hate to say these words but maybe, 'chill out'?

luvviemum · 15/04/2012 11:34

My mum used to say "he's not going to buy the cow if he gets the milk for free." Just a thought......

solidgoldbrass · 15/04/2012 11:36

But who the fuck would want to marry a man who thinks in those terms anyway?

motherinferior · 15/04/2012 11:40

How charming of your mother, Luvviemum Shock.

SGB, in answer to your question a long way upthread (sorry, been away!): DP would quite actively like to be married, he alleges - citing all the usual bollocks stuff like wanting people to 'know he's committed' and suchlike (because otherwise, obviously, he will be mobbed by bosomy 20-somethings, yeah, right) - but also, yes, because he does also quite like to go on and on and wind me up about it Grin; and in fact he does share my views on marriage in general.

Like Margerykemp, I'd probably have a whale of a time at a wedding. I like a party and am massively quite self-centred so a day All About Me would be most terrific. Marriage, though, not so much. Bit creepy imo.

solidgoldbrass · 15/04/2012 11:43

MI: You could always have a handfasting Grin. Big showoffy party, ceremony of own choosing, lasts for a year and a day and doesn't confer any legal ownership of each other.

motherinferior · 15/04/2012 11:44

Oooh, yes, that sounds fun!

seeker · 15/04/2012 13:36

"My mum used to say "he's not going to buy the cow if he gets the milk for free." Just a thought......"

Just a though, yes. But one of the single most repellant and creepy thoughts I have heard in a long time

motherinferior · 15/04/2012 13:55

Rather like men who won't go out with you if you're prepared to shag them on the first date. (Which is, obviously, a good argument for shagging on the first date as it weeds out the creeps who won't see you again. And means you get a shag. Win-win.)

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 15/04/2012 15:09

Ha indeed motherinferior. Although not so long ago I had to explain to somone that the fact that he (admittedly! what a dolt) would look down on me for shagging him, had meant I would now not be shagging him, thanks very much. Didn't seem to compute that "I am so sexist that I think women lower their status by agreeing to sex" was a bit of a turn-off.

luvviemum · 15/04/2012 16:20

seeker, if that's one of the most repellant thoughts you've heard then you really need to get out more.

It may be creepy to you but like it or not, it's a commonly held opinion and actually, I think it holds a lot of truth. Like I said before, if a man doesn't want to marry you, he's not fully committed imo.

Bluepetticoat · 15/04/2012 16:25

luvvie- that kind of comment about cows and milk was the kind of thing my father would say when I was a teen years and years back. it was a throw back to the days when men HAD to marry someone in order to get sex.

Theere was also the other comments alongside that went something like "Well, she's the sort of girl he'll go out with ( have sex with) but he'll never marry^ her.

Thankfully that kind of thinking has died out pretty much except a certain bigoted type of person.

You comments are terribly sexist- why should a woman feel she is being done a favour by being asked to be married to a guy? IYO does a ring & a piece of paper prove commitment? Funny that- because 40% of those marriages end in divorce.

Have you thought about that?

Ephiny · 15/04/2012 16:34

I hate that saying about the cow/milk, but there is a grain of truth in it - why would the OPs partner marry her when there's no advantage in it for him? When she's been quite happy to live with him, have children with him etc, without marrying? Maybe to make her happy, but that doesn't seem to be a good enough reason for him, unfortunately.

I don't think it's possible to make sweeping generalisations about marriage and committment, clearly people have very different views and values. But it is a good idea to be clear about what is important to you right at the start. If it's not acceptable to you to cohabit with an unmarried partner, be an unmarried mum etc, then don't move in with or have children with someone unless they marry you.

noddyholder · 15/04/2012 16:47

Does no one sort all this out before kids if its that important? Do you all really give up careers and all sense of self to wait for someone else to make it all ok? Don't see many men refusing to father children without a ring.

Bluepetticoat · 15/04/2012 16:52

I agree with noddy.

If you go as far as moving in together, joint mortgage, then kids- do you never discuss marriage? Some people simply don't want marriage ever. But I cannot fathom anyone who places value on it, wants it, then goes ahead and lives a life with a man- involving their children- as if they are married, but kind of "hopes it will be on offer some day".

seeker · 15/04/2012 16:53

Andbwhynwould anyone want to have sex with, never mind marry a man who thought like man in the cow/milk saying?

Bluepetticoat · 15/04/2012 16:55

You'd be surprised.

Maybe the same women who want marriage but settle for living together because they feel that if they insist on marriage the man will diappear in a puff of smoke.

luvviemum · 15/04/2012 16:57

Ephiny - I agree with you entirely.

Bluepetti - I don't really like the cow/milk saying and think it is outdated. However, I do believe it is true for the reasons that Ephiny stated. Also, if you are going to throw statistics at me, you should know that statistically, couples with children are far more likely to stay together than co-habiting couples.

Each to their own when it comes to what anyone believes is a committed relationship but this should be sorted before kids come along to avoid the situation that OP now finds herself in.

noddyholder · 15/04/2012 16:58

Every time there is a thread like this on MN I am amazed at all these men who have so much power and hope my dp doesn't look over my shoulder and wonder what happened Grin. I love my dp to bits been together forever and we talk about things that may occur in the future wrt ds money careers health etc etc as we go along and both know where we are.

luvviemum · 15/04/2012 16:59

sorry, I meant to say couples with children who are married

noddyholder · 15/04/2012 17:02

NONE of my close friends who married are still together sadly. My mum is on marriage 2 and my sister! Both still not totally happy and tbh I don't envy the fact that they will easily access their other halfs pension in exchange for their sad unfulfilling relationships. Too many generalisations here. Lots of marriages end and many that cling on are dead and many are good. But no one should feel forced to comply with someone elses requirements if they don't want it.

Bluepetticoat · 15/04/2012 17:03

Luvvie Also, if you are going to throw statistics at me, you should know that statistically, couples with children are far more likely to stay together than co-habiting couples.

errr yes. But couples who are both married and have children together stay together more than couples who are unmarried and have children together.

And your point was?

luvviemum · 15/04/2012 17:04

Bluepetti - I don't think you saw my correction - see above

luvviemum · 15/04/2012 17:08

Also Bluepetti, you say I'm sexist but I think you are. I don't think a woman feels a guy is "doing her a favour" by marrying her. I just think that the wishes of both people in a relationship should be considered and if the woman wants to marry, then why should she beat around the bush and pretend she doesn't just because it's not very right-on to say you want to be wed?

Bluepetticoat · 15/04/2012 17:12

luvvie- look I am still struggling with your "if a man doesn't want to marry you ,he is not fully committed."

I don't follow your arguments- you seem all over the place, not very consistent and I cannot see where any thing I have said could be seen as "sexist". sorry.