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Original poster

I want to be married.

288 replies

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:15

I'm probably very unreasonable but I have been thinking about this for a long time and have never spoken to anyone about this except my longer term partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have 2 wonderful DDs. Thing is we never got married. There has always been something else we wanted to spent the money on and I have always been fine with that. We bought a house together, did it up and moved in to the house we always wanted but could not afford previously a few years ago. It is not a mansion, by all means but it is a nice little semi in a lovely road.

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have. What I really want is to go to a registry office with the 4 of us and simply get married. He keeps telling me that he thinks things are just fine as they are and that he is not going to run off with someone else. I don't seem to be able to get the message across that this has nothing to do with it and that I really want to be like everyone else my age and be married.

I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ...

Maybe I'm am being very selfish by wanting to be married but my partner knows how important this is to me and by not wanting to be married I think he is being equally selfish, considering he knows how important this is to me.

Opinions please...

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 13/04/2012 18:07

OP - I think you're right, it's easy to bob along not getting married even if it's important to you, it's wrong that he's saying he wants it if you can do the big do, but you can't afford that so you cna't get married.

I'd sit him down, tell him that if he won't marry you, you have to accept whatever he says, he's not really committed to this relationship, and will judge him on his actions. If he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, why won't he do something that will mean you have much more security? Why won't he declare to the world you're the one for him? You are the mother of his children, he should have a bloody good reason for not marrying you if you want marriage. (and not being able to afford a fancy do you don't want and he's not been arsed to save for or arrange isn't a good reason)

If he still insists on the big do, a compromise I'd accept would be booking a registary office for you and the DCs, then having a blessing and party a year or so later when you've had time to save for it. Tell him you'll be booking the registrary office before your 41st birthday, he can discuss when in that time frame works best for him, or he can tell you he doesn't want to marry you at all.

If he wanted to be in charge of arranging the most romantic proposal, the big wedding and all the trappings, the time to do that was before he had DCs with you he's stalled too long to do that now.

StealthPolarBear · 13/04/2012 18:38

I do not think the op is selfish and I think he's putting her in a horrible situation. But I do struggle to understand how, if you love someone you could choose to not be with them to marry some hypothetical stranger. Not easy

seeker · 13/04/2012 18:40

"seeker - Legally cohabiting is ineferior to marriage. It's impossible to legally emulate marriage."

Everything but widow's pension.

But just because you have to put some work into making it legally equivalent doesn't make it inferior.

BigBoobiedBertha · 13/04/2012 18:57

Seeker - to most people who are married co habiting is second best - we chose to get married because co-habiting wasn't enough.

Marriage isn't a guarantee of happy ever after but cohabiting indefinitely is not what I would want and nor is it what the OP wants. It falls short. If you don't feel that way then fine but please don't assume marriage is some how a waste of time for everybody else just because you don't want to do it.

noddyholder · 13/04/2012 18:58

Fred and rose west were married

seeker · 13/04/2012 19:00

"Seeker - to most people who are married co habiting is second best - we chose to get married because co-habiting wasn't enough."

How are you speaking for "most" married people?

sparkles281 · 13/04/2012 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigBoobiedBertha · 13/04/2012 19:19

I said 'most' and besides, why else do you think they got married? Why not stay cohabiting? There was obviously something that marriage gave them that cohabiting doesn't even if it was only a pretty dress and a big party. It is logical surely?

nizlopi · 13/04/2012 19:28

I married my husband because its what we both wanted, for us, as a couple. I'll be honest, the legal/social stuff didn't factor in for me at all, and I've not really noticed a difference. I didn't get married to be more 'secure' as I already felt secure, and I sure as shit didn't get married so Mr and Mrs Who-Gives-A-Fuck would congratulate me on my ability to bag a man. I did it for the simple fact that I love my husband, and it felt right for the two of us.

luvviemum · 13/04/2012 19:31

OP, I can completely understand how frustrated you must be. In the past I split up with a commitment phone partner and I do believe that if a man won't marry you, he's not fully committed.

I've been married for seven years and although nobody knows what will happen in life, I do feel more secure and happy being married.

I think your dp is putting you in an awful position - I really hope you resolve this

solidgoldbrass · 13/04/2012 19:38

I do think that in a situation like this both parties are aware that on some deep level, the man does want to feel that he still has the option of leaving, and he is basically less committed to the relationship than the OP. Either that or he wants to hang on to the particular source of power that is The Proposal in order to keep the OP focussed on keeping him rather than whether she actually wants him.

solidgoldbrass · 13/04/2012 19:41

And marriage is not necessarily superior to living with a partner. I know one couple who have been happily unmarried for about 40 years, with an 18 year old DD between them. But then they are both old hippies in agreement about their ideological objections to the institution of marriage, so it works fine for them. Problems only really arise when partners have different views on the importance/desirability of marriage. In the OP's case, sounds like both of them think marriage is really important and meaningful. The fact that this means she wants it and he doesn't.... well, that's not great.

motherinferior · 13/04/2012 19:51

Can I just say that speaking as a 48 year old woman, if my partner flounced because I keep refusing his offers of marriage (which have now escalated to Very Frequent Indeed) I would not suddenly have a volte-face and rush to the altar.

Some of us really don't want to be married. And I would really, really hate to feel forced into it.

seeker · 13/04/2012 19:53

Hi, mother inferior- I was hoping you'd be along!

Proudnscary · 13/04/2012 19:56

I am shocked that women truly feel, in this day and age, 'if a man truly loved you he would marry you'. Jesus, it's like something out of Pride and Prejudice.

I understand (sort of) really wanting to be married to the father of your kids. I don't understand seeing it as a lack of respect or love if he doesn't.

(from a woman who was with dh for 10 years and had two dc before we married)

BigBoobiedBertha · 13/04/2012 19:58

I agree SGB. it doesn't matter in the slightest whether I think cohabiting is second best for me or whether somebody else just doesn' t get why
marriage matters. The point is that the OP isn't happy with the way things are for her and she wants more whilst her DP is leaving her dangling on a string whilst he thinks about the marriage issue that the OP thought was agreed ages ago. It has a whiff of the passive agressive game playing to me. He won't give what she wants for some reason. Makes me wonder if he is happy to hang on where he is but is keeping his options open.

nizlopi · 13/04/2012 19:59

Proudnscary

Agree with everything you say. Well put.

motherinferior · 13/04/2012 20:02

Oh, and the surname thing? Why oh why do women do this - not give their children their own surname? Combine and/or double-barrel if you must (I did) but frankly if you're going to give them a different surname and then complain that they have a different surname, I do rather feel It's Your Own Fault.

BizzieLizzy · 13/04/2012 20:04

Lemony is right I think, saying it's people who've been married who want to, and people who have married and/or divorced are less in awe of the concept. My mum always kind of indoctrinated me with the view that women who lived with men and had children without the security of marriage were selling themselves short.

This is a very old fashioned view, lots of people don't want to get married for good reasons and now my own marriage has failed these make more sense to me than ever. But it's hard to escape the views of people like my mother and the idea of cohabiting being second best. Motherinferior it's perhaps easier to reject the offer of marriage if you have been asked. The stereotype of male pursuing female and its culmination in a proposal is very compelling for a lot of women. My friend who I mentioned upstream, I'm not really sure if she wants to be married, I think it's more that she wants someone to want to marry her.

This can be different I think. I've been married, and had another proposal before I met dh. I don't want to be married. I don't want anyone to want to marry me again, I actually want to be on my own right now, and maybe forever. But I don't know if I'd feel that way if I felt like no-one had ever wanted to marry me, especially if I'd gone as far as cohabiting and having a family with them.

I think the moral of the story is, if marriage is important to you, then you need to have your relationship on those terms. OP says that her partner wanted kids earlier on than she did and she 'would have been happy to wait and get married first'. Then why not do that? You need to negotiate terms that suit you at the beginning. If you apply them retrospectively of course it will end in tears.

HavePatience · 13/04/2012 20:08

Wow, solidgoldbrass, your post at 19.38 is spot on.

poinsetta · 13/04/2012 20:21

There seems to be a view that she is trying to force him to marry which he doesn't want to do. He is equally making her live in a way she doesn't want to live. Perhaps she is a little insecure but it is hardly surprising when he won't marry her even though he knows it is really important to her. I had this exact situation and there were always new stalling tactics. It was horrible. It ruined the relationship. I am a single parent. I still miss him years on but I could not have stayed in the relationship without being married, rightly or wrongly I felt not loved enough. He could have changed that at any time but although he said on a number of occasions he wanted to try again he never once made the commitment that would have made that possible. I presume the OP feels like this and he made promises but has too much fear to goo through with it. I am sure he does love you, OP, but something must be stopping him. I hope you get to the bottom of it because I nevr did and I am still scarred by it years on.

seeker · 13/04/2012 20:35

One person in a relationship wants to get married. The other doesn't. They are currently not married. Why does the one who wants to change the status quo carry more weight than the one that doesn't?

solidgoldbrass · 13/04/2012 20:37

Motherinferior: just wondering - do you think your DP really minds that the two of you aren't married? Or does he just ask from time to time because he thinks he ought to? Mind you it does sound (from your posts) that you have explained your view to him in a way that doesn't give him the impression that you won't marry him because you are keeping your options open.

poinsetta · 13/04/2012 20:37

IMO because she told him she wanted to get married and he said they would.

AThingInYourLife · 13/04/2012 20:37

"In the OP's case, sounds like both of them think marriage is really important and meaningful. The fact that this means she wants it and he doesn't.... well, that's not great."

Bingo!

I find the idea that a woman (and it is always a woman) must accept a man's refusal to marry her bizarre. It is not "irresponsible" to end a relationship that is making you unhappy.

If someone refuses to make an important legal commitment to your relationship, it is pretty daft to fail to consider that the reason for that refusal is that they want to avoid the legal commitment.

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