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Relationships

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Original poster

I want to be married.

288 replies

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:15

I'm probably very unreasonable but I have been thinking about this for a long time and have never spoken to anyone about this except my longer term partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have 2 wonderful DDs. Thing is we never got married. There has always been something else we wanted to spent the money on and I have always been fine with that. We bought a house together, did it up and moved in to the house we always wanted but could not afford previously a few years ago. It is not a mansion, by all means but it is a nice little semi in a lovely road.

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have. What I really want is to go to a registry office with the 4 of us and simply get married. He keeps telling me that he thinks things are just fine as they are and that he is not going to run off with someone else. I don't seem to be able to get the message across that this has nothing to do with it and that I really want to be like everyone else my age and be married.

I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ...

Maybe I'm am being very selfish by wanting to be married but my partner knows how important this is to me and by not wanting to be married I think he is being equally selfish, considering he knows how important this is to me.

Opinions please...

OP posts:

Original poster

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 11:31

So is breaking up if you are not married and have been together for a longer period of time

OP posts:

Flightty · 13/04/2012 11:33

It depends, he may be totally committed to you, just doesn't want to marry anyone.

But DP said he never wantd to marry again until he met me. So I don't know. (I should say, he didn't have any children with his long term partner. I would have struggled far more with that).

I think I see marriage as the icing on the cake iyswim. Like giving your baby a beautiful name. the baby can be called anything and still be a wonderful person and very much loved and wanted and happy. But you can give it that extra gift of a name you love, too. It just makes things nicer.

Same with marriage, you can live together like you're married and not bother with the actual wedding. But why not, really. Why does he want a lavish ceremony? Has he said anything regarding that?

Flightty · 13/04/2012 11:35

Btw I'm nearly 40 too and for some reason, the thought of getting to 40 and finding that no one has rated me high enough to want to marry me makes me collapse into a puddle of tears.

Maybe that's part of it? I've never been married, I've always wanted to be, but it never made any sense before - and I wasn't ready I don't think. I needed to be a better bet

Saying that DP has about 18 months to get on with it or I might chuck him out on his ear

juneau · 13/04/2012 11:35

My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it

So he's not saying he doesn't want to get married, he's saying he wants to do it in a certain way. He could be putting it off, but it doesn't sound like he's refusing to do it. The challenge, therefore, is finding a way to do it that would be acceptable to you both.

Have you told him that you're considering leaving if he won't marry you?

dreamingbohemian · 13/04/2012 11:38

Of course people can change their mind, I just think it's a bit unfair to say you don't care about marriage when really you are just not happy enough with your partner. It's deceiving them. And why would you have DC with someone if you aren't happy with them?

Flightty · 13/04/2012 11:40

Yes maybe he feels that doing it on the cheap isn't 'proper', somehow.

I dunno - you would need to figure out if this is his reason, or if he's just making excuses. And if so why.

solidgoldbrass · 13/04/2012 11:40

I think you do have to have a proper talk with him and get him to explain himself. If, for whatever reason, he really doesn't want to get married then he's entitled to his feelings but he does need to tell you what they are, it's not fair to keep fobbing you off when marriage is so important to you.

You say that he wants a big wedding/party - is he like this about other things? Does he, for instance, prefer to spend more on a single designer pullover rather than buying six cheap ones from Primark? Is he into making birthdays extra special? What I'm getting at is whether this wish of his for a lavish wedding is genuine or whether it's a good excuse to shut you up with and he actually doesn't want to marry you at all.

Original poster

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 11:49

Juneau, yes I have. We went out for a meal without the kids at the beginning of the Easter Hols. I told him that he knew how important this was to me, that he should think about what he wants and that if he doesn't love me enough to get married that I would prefer to finish the relationship. I told him to think about it so I'm now waiting for a good time to talk to him again and see what he has to say.

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 13/04/2012 11:50

What was his immediate reaction to what you said? did he agree to think about it?

McFluffster · 13/04/2012 11:51

Well that's ridiculous. Nobody's relationship is any more worthy than anyone else's just because they are married and anybody who makes you feel lesser because you are unmarried isn't worth bothering with.

I admit I wouldn't have fancied a run to the registry office and we waited and had the whole Bridezilla shebang but we treated it mostly like a party and wanted to splash out and treat our family and friends not for any romantic notion of marriage or because of what the neighbours thought of us.

I would never judge someone do not being marred or notice very much to be honest and hope most others wouldn't either.

BizzieLizzy · 13/04/2012 11:51

seeker I also find a bit blunt, but I get the point. You have a good relationship, a family, and you'd end it over this?
I'm married and separating. With two children. I know I never want to get married again. It doesn't make any difference. It's a contract, that's all. A throwback to the days when women were chattels and the main point of marriage was to keep wealth within families, and ensure men stuck around to support their children.
Now, we expect romantic love to be the main point. Whether that's a good or a bad basis for a long term partnership could be a whole thread on its own. But it strikes me as too fragile and intangible a thing to apply a contact to.
Having said that, I have a friend who had two long term partners, neither of whom married her. She acted like she didn't mind, but she always did. The first one died, and she was in a weak position legally, but she had no kids. Since you do, it's important wills etc are clear for you since you're not married.
Second one she was with for 11 years, two dc. He wouldnt marry her and she blamed his previous bad divorce. She wore 'wedding' and 'engagement' rings that she had made herself. Sad for her. He left her for another womdifficultficult. She felt very insecure financially.

To make matters worse he married the OW straight away. Lavish, formal wedding, engraved invitations, wedding list at Peter Jones, the whole shebang. She is so bitter.

Personally, I think there are two issues. One is security for you and your kids. You need the legal stuff taken care of. IMO this is a good reason to get married. But it sounds like it's an emotional thing for you. I'm getting divorced, so I've lost faith in marriage as an expression of romantic live/commitment/monogamy. It's no guarantee. I feel for you, but I would urge you to let go of this because I think your do just doesn't really want to marry you and you will not get the happy outcome you want if you insist, even if you end up forcing it to happen.

BizzieLizzy · 13/04/2012 11:54

Excuse typos on iPhone with cracked screen. Hope I make sense

LittleFrieda · 13/04/2012 12:00

I have a few unmarried friends in long-term relationships, and they ALL want to be married.

Seeker - Harsh.

Isn't it the OP's partner who is willing to sacrifice the relationship in order not to be married?

It is perfectly OK to want marriage, and in many cases it's very sensible to do so. If you are a woman with a curtailed career owing to having and caring for children, you are especiallyh vulnerable. If you are unmarried and a SAHM you are in effect supporting your partner in his job but if you break up with him, you will have no claim over his pension or assets held in his name, nor can you expect any financial maintenance from him. If you are married you would be recompensed for your sacrifice. And it is a sacrifice.

bintofbohemia · 13/04/2012 12:00

I never wanted to get married but whilst I was pregnant with DS2 I suddenly got the fear that if something happened to me things would go wrong - I wanted DH to be my next of kin, not my father and I didn't want there to be any messiness legally.

Romance aside, that sort of thing becomes more pertinent when you have children. (Wasn't there a thread years back where a woman's DP died and she had to deal with all manner of hideous legal shit that she hadn't realised woudl be an issue?)

He has a right to his opinion and so do you OP, and if you're planning on staying together it is reasonable to expect all the legalities to be sorted out. If he doesn't (I'm not saying this is always the case) but you might want to question whether you both have the same goals and the only way is for him to open up, be honest and explain how he's thinking.

Ephiny · 13/04/2012 12:02

There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married, but I think you need a better reason than 'I really want to be like everyone else my age', especially if you're considering breaking up a long-term relationship with children involved over this.

You do need to make sure you have the legal/financial stuff sorted out one way or another though (wills, ownership of the house etc), make sure you know what would happen if you were to split up or if something happened to either of you.

You can change either of your names (or your childrens' names) without getting married, that's a completely separate issue.

Do you think he really does want to marry you but wants to wait until you can 'make an occasion of it', or is that just an excuse? Because there might be a possible compromise - e.g. you can look into doing a 'proper' wedding on a budget (lots of good tips on MN!), or maybe have the basic ceremony now and a big anniversary celebration in a few years?

I think you really need to get clear in your own head why this is so important to you, then you're in a better position to explain it to him.

bintofbohemia · 13/04/2012 12:03

yy LittleFrieda - that's what I was trying to express and you have done much better.

Original poster

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 12:03

SolidGoldBrass,

He doen't make a big deal about birthdays, Christmas etc... (I normally do). He would probably spent more on buying from one designer but he would get one piece that is good quality and wear it over and over again rather than buying 5 from Primark. He still has clothes more than 10 years old.

The only thing is that he doesn't like change. It is like selling the house and moving, buying another car because the current one is more often in the garage for repairs than on the road etc are all decisions driven by me.

The longer this goes on the more I think that the big do thing is just a reason to delay further. I had even tried to compromise by suggesting to do the getting married on holiday thing rather than the local registry office with the 4 of us.

OP posts:

LittleFrieda · 13/04/2012 12:03

You could do the formal marriage thing in a registry office (without even buying new frocks) and then have a big party with frocks and shit when you can afford it. Wouldn't that suit you both?

LittleFrieda · 13/04/2012 12:07

I would think the OP feels strongly about it because it smells horribly of a lack of commitment.

It's no coincidence that cohabiting relationships with children are far more likely to break-up than married relationships with children.

PooPooInMyToes · 13/04/2012 12:10

So he knows how really important it is to you by the sounds of it.

Me and my husband (as i refer to him) are not married. I've never pushed it. He says he wants to but that its the money. He said he'd be happy to do it tomorrow if it wasn't for the money. I've explained that you can do it cheaply but i don't think he believes me.

With this being a leap year he mentioned that i could always propose to him but i said it was never going to happen. Mostly just because i wouldn't want to feel like i was MAKING him do it and partly because i was the first one to say i love you and it took a while to get a response. This was many years ago and he clearly loves me a lot but took him a bit longer to get there.

I don't want to be the one always pushing the relationship forward. I also had to give him a kick up the bum regarding having children, although he was the one who asked if we could live together, but then did nothing about it!

Its about balance i suppose. I dont want to be the one pushing for things. It wouldn't feel nice.

Im sure though that if i said that i was arranging a wedding for us he'd probably go along with it quite happily.

The whole stress of arranging weddings though! What a nightmare!

This thread has really made me realise that we need to do something regarding wills though. What else do i need to do? I would really like to be able to share in his pension as i don't have my own but i don't think that can be done. Anyone know?

PooPooInMyToes · 13/04/2012 12:12

Mine doesn't like change either. For him its linked to his depression.

Original poster

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 12:14

When I told him, he said that he will do think about what I said but was dismissive saying that I was being silly, that being married was not important and that he would think about it. I doubt very much that he has though.. I don't think he believes that I'm serious about it.

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 13/04/2012 12:17

He really doesn't understand just how much it means to you. You've told him so i am not sure what else you can do! Why doesn't he take you seriously?!

It obviously just isn't that important to him which is fine but he needs to realise how important it is to you.

Original poster

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 12:18

LittleFrieda,

I'm more than happy to get married without the trills and frills. I don't even want/need an engagement ring.

OP posts:

bintofbohemia · 13/04/2012 12:19

It might not be important to him, but it is to you and it's fairly disrespectful to ignore/dismiss your thoughts about it. As is the assumption that "he doesn't want to so he won't." It doesnt' leave much room for you and your needs, is the rest of the relationship like that?

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