Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to be married.

288 replies

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:15

I'm probably very unreasonable but I have been thinking about this for a long time and have never spoken to anyone about this except my longer term partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have 2 wonderful DDs. Thing is we never got married. There has always been something else we wanted to spent the money on and I have always been fine with that. We bought a house together, did it up and moved in to the house we always wanted but could not afford previously a few years ago. It is not a mansion, by all means but it is a nice little semi in a lovely road.

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have. What I really want is to go to a registry office with the 4 of us and simply get married. He keeps telling me that he thinks things are just fine as they are and that he is not going to run off with someone else. I don't seem to be able to get the message across that this has nothing to do with it and that I really want to be like everyone else my age and be married.

I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ...

Maybe I'm am being very selfish by wanting to be married but my partner knows how important this is to me and by not wanting to be married I think he is being equally selfish, considering he knows how important this is to me.

Opinions please...

OP posts:
RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 13/04/2012 12:21

But that's really inconsistent with him wanting to make a big deal out of it if you do get married. Is he using the thing of a big wedding that you can't afford to stall, do you think?

PopcornGrace · 13/04/2012 12:28

LittleFrieda makes very good points!

Statistically you are more likely to break up if you are not married.

And there is something about getting up in front of the most important people in your lives and saying vows to be committed for the rest of your life.

Some women may not see the difference between living together and being married but men do. Also, if it wasn't a big deal to him (but it is to you) - why not just do it.

seeker · 13/04/2012 12:33

Statistically you are more likely to break up if you're not married, but that's only because the "not married" include all levels of commitment. You're not comparing like with like.Commmitted unmarried couples are no more likely to split up than married ones.

McFluffster · 13/04/2012 12:36

"Some women may not see the difference between living together and being married but men do."

What, all men? How can you read the minds of an entire sex like that? Grin

dreamingbohemian · 13/04/2012 12:38

Not to pry, but do you have issues in other areas of your relationship?

It's fine if marriage is not important to him but I think it's pretty selfish of him to assume that means it's not important, full stop.

As for his fear of change, you're already living together with DC. What is he afraid of?

McFluffster · 13/04/2012 12:42

I agree he is being selfish btw.

If its not important to him but you really feel strongly, he could just go along with it, to make you happy. I understand you would prefer him to want to get married but some people just don't. I would have been quite happy to remain unmarried, as are some of my friends.

Definitely mention the legal side of it to him and explain that you would like some protection and the whole process of solicitors, drawing up wills etc and how it would technically just be easier to get married. See what he thinks.

nizlopi · 13/04/2012 12:52

I really don't see how pressurising a guy into marriage is a good idea. If you REALLY want to get married, and he really doesn't, then why is it YOU that has the seemingly deciding vote? Aren't his feelings on this massive decision just as valid as your own?

Wouldn't you rather, on your wedding day if you have one, think 'This man is marrying me because he loves me and wants to be my husband' rather than 'This man is marrying me because I told him I would leave if he didn't'?

You say breaking up when unmarried is hard also, I agree, it is, but why add marriage into that? It won't make things any easier, it just adds yet more layers of hurt to an already rubbish time.

My husband was with a girl for a few years, she was obsessed with the whole idea of getting married, he wasn't very keen and said so. One day, when they were on holiday, she told him that if he didn't propose to her, she would go over the road to the pub they were near and tell all the men in there that he had raped her. Needless to say, he wasn't feeling the romantic vibes after that. Now, ofc, I'm not saying you're behaving like her, she was on a whole other level, but I still think that pressurising people into what is a huge decision is wrong, and marriage is a huge decision. You keep saying that he should just bite the bullet and do it because its important to you, but what if not being married is important to him? He is allowed to be of that opinion, he isn't right or wrong and neither are you. It also doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, or respect what you've already built together.

GnomeDePlume · 13/04/2012 12:53

My DH didnt want to get married. He is a very sometimes too pragmatic person and claimed that a mortgage was more of a commitment. For me being married was different from 'just' living together (the just is how I feel, not a judgement on others), it was the ultimate commitment (again for me, not a judgement on others).

I asked him, he said yes. We have now been married over 20 years. Interestingly, now he denies that he was ever negative about getting married.

It mattered to me, it didnt matter to him so we did it.

I'm sorry OP but your DP's claims about having a big do sound to me like delaying tactics. If it didnt matter he wouldnt have a major opinion on it.

bintofbohemia · 13/04/2012 12:55

nizlopi - he's forcing her to carry on co-habiting without the protection that marriage affords when she doesn't want to. As it stands, he is getting the deciding vote. And that's not fair either.

(Sounds like your husband was with an absolute nutjob - did he bin her there and then?)

nizlopi · 13/04/2012 13:03

He's not really forcing her though, she's already said that she'll leave. I think that if she really does see this as a deal breaker then the relationship is already pretty much over. If someone I was with had said 'Marry me or I'll leave you!' I'd have said goodbye. I think forcing somebody into marriage is way worse than forcing someone to live outside of it. I know we say this on here all the time, but lets flip this around, and say the OP is the one not keen on getting married and her partner is the one issuing ultimatums? I'm not sure we'd be quite as sympathetic towards him.

(And no, unfortunately he didn't leave right away, that incident was the tip of the iceberg when it came to their relationship. He stayed for a while after, only breaking up when he felt like he had the support to :( )

PopcornGrace · 13/04/2012 13:08

McFluffster ask a man or men in your life that question but must be ones that truly love you and want the best for you. Such as a father, brother or uncle.

Not your boyfriend :)

PopcornGrace · 13/04/2012 13:09

e.g. a man that doesn't want to sleep with you but loves you!

McFluffster · 13/04/2012 13:23

I haven't got a boyfriend I've got a husband but he still wants to sleep with me - does he count? Grin I'm sure he didn't love me any less before we got married.

I know lots of men (and women) who have no interest in getting married to their partners. Most liberal, educated young people I know find the concept of the nuclear family quite outdated.

I have two brothers. One with no plans to get married whatsoever and neither does his long term partner. They don't believe in it and have no children so it's never been an issue.

My other brother is at the opposite end of the spectrum and is getting married next year because his future wife wants to. He is even getting baptised so they can marry in her family church even though he isn't religious. She proposed to him, he is going through the motions to please her and they are very happy. Not for everyone, I'd feel like a bit of a hypocrite re: the church thing but it's what they want.

My father is divorced from my mother and has lived with his partner for ten years plus. They have no plans to get married either.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 13:25

DreamingBohemian - Our relationship is not like it was in the beginning or before we had the kids, but I think most relationships change over time.

We are both busy people and should sometimes try to make a bit more time for each other, which we try to do by arranging sleepovers for our DC with family members so we can occasionally go out and do something without the kids. We sometimes argue, mostly about our oldest DD (12) who is a bit hormonal, rather messy and not always as polite as DP would like, but nothing more than that. I think overall things are fine.

OP posts:
PopcornGrace · 13/04/2012 13:27

You missed the point entirely! I was talking about for YOU. want would they want for you - not want they do their own life....

PopcornGrace · 13/04/2012 13:28

I meant what would they want for you - not what they do with their own life. spelling mistake!

lotsofcheese · 13/04/2012 13:30

I suppose it depends on how you define committment - however you could argue that the 14 years you have been together, 2 children & a joint mortgage are a huge committment on both your parts.

I personally would be horrified if my partner proposed! I guess you could call me the anti-bride!! However if it was that important to him, I'd find a way of doing it that didn't involve the ridiculous out-dated vows, fake virgin dress etc etc.

Having said that, it's clearly important to you, and with all other issues in long-term relationships - it involves compromise on BOTH parts - could you ask him what compromises HE is prepared to make.

And as for ending the relationship because of that - it seems rather childish & a case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. No-one puts themselves through a divorce unless they really have to - it's hell on earth.

Unless you're unhappy with the relationship itself, which is another entire issue.......

McFluffster · 13/04/2012 13:34

Oh right. Well they came to the wedding obviously but none of them really had an opinion on whether we should get married or not. It was between my husband and I.

Do you think men view marriage as a gift to be bestowed upon worthy women and denied to the rest?

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 13:39

NizLopi,

If I was the one who was not keen on getting married I would have made that clear at the beginning of the relationship. Also if I'm not keen on something but my partner is really keen than I would go along with it unless I had some very good reasons for not doing so in which case I would explain why I felt that way.

Doing something you really don't want to do is different from going along with something that is not important to you.

All I'm doing is forcing the issue, one of us is going to have to give. He does not want to get married, I do not want to be in an unmarried relationship any longer. One of us is going to have to give .

OP posts:
nizlopi · 13/04/2012 13:45

Maybe he didn't know his feelings at the beginning of the relationship? People are allowed to mull stuff over you know, and people do change their minds. It doesn't even seem as though he has changed his mind, he just has some elaborate ceremony envisioned and doesn't want to deviate from that. Again though, that doesn't strike me as being into marriage, just about a wedding day.

Also, even if his reason is as simple as 'I don't want to get married' then that IS a good enough reason.

lisaro · 13/04/2012 13:48

If you'd rather dump him than be unmarried then you obviously want to get married for all the wrong reasons. Something must be wrong in your relationship and maybe your partner is mature enough to see that. No wonder he doesn't want to marry you.

Flightty · 13/04/2012 13:49

'Do you think men view marriage as a gift to be bestowed upon worthy women and denied to the rest?'

I know you're not asking me, but fwiw I don't think of it like that. I think that a man will only get married if he really, really wants to marry a particular woman - it's not about how worthy she is, it's just a feeling that he cant let her go. I think. (from what I've read anyway Grin)

I'm fairly sure it's the same for most of us actually...you know when you go out with various people, and theyre all ok, nice, you fancy them, they do stuff for you, you do stuff for them, bla bla bla.

And it's all ok, and then you meet someone and BAM you're suddenly losing control of all the plans you had, the things you thought were sorted because he just blows you completely off your feet? and you're like, this is the one I've been waiting for. And all the rest just drop away from the picture because you don't need to compare or wonder any more about which one is the right one.

I think that's how it is.

Ephiny · 13/04/2012 13:51

Why do you want to get married, OP. It just seems odd to me that you have such strong feelings about it that you'd consider splitting up over this, but at the same time you can't give a better reason than 'I want to be like everyone else my age'? (not that there's any age where 'everyone' is married, as far as I know!)

Again it's fine for you to want to be married (I do too) but breaking up a relationship like this is a pretty serious thing to do, especially if you're otherwise happy, and it will affect your children as well as the two of you, and probably put all of you in a more difficult financial situation. Would you really go through with that? Or are you expecting he'll agree to get married if you give him this ultimatum?

McFluffster · 13/04/2012 13:55

I'm sure we could all trundle down to our local bar and find some idiot willing to propose to us after a few weeks. Doesn't mean any of us would want to marry him. Doesn't mean he is the love of your life. Do you see what I'm saying?

Whether we are married or not is no reflection on us as people. Your ex boyfriends didn't not propose to you because you weren't worth it or good enough. They probably just didn't want to get married. That's such a damaging, unequal view to have and I hate it that some men can use marriage as something to dangle over a woman's head. It somehow feels as though they have the upper hand.

OP you have children together don't you? That's a real commitment, a serious, lifelong, can't-take-it-back one. And the quality of your relationship is otherwise good apart from this issue? That is what would count for me but I really hope things work out for you. If he knows how much this means to you I'm sure he will come around.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 13:55

I really don't think that "I don't want to" is a good enough. I believe that if you have respect for your partner a bit more of an explanation of what is behind the reasoning is the least one can do. And if he feels that he doesn't want to get married than that leaves us with only one option. Perhaps he can then find someone who want the same as he does or get married to someone else within 6 months or so. Who knows.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread