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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 04/04/2012 01:02

You poor, poor thing. This sounds like the last thing you need after your loss. I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know someone was listening.

Get to bed soon though. You might not sleep, but you need to rest! I hope things seem less horrible in the morning xo

hairytaleofnewyork · 04/04/2012 01:03

Youhave my sympathies - sorry for your loss and the infection. Ive experienced both so i know what a low ebb youll be at.

Has this happened before?

Does he often call you names?

What he said in the car is emotionally abusive.

He pushed you. Has he been violent to you in the past?

I believe you can actually get an emergency prohibitive order- you need to report to the police.

Rhinestone · 04/04/2012 01:03

So sorry, are you safe at the moment? Is there someone you can call? Ideally you should be calling the police as you've been assaulted.

JaneFonda · 04/04/2012 01:04

Poor, poor you. :( Just a big hug for you, really.

How do you feel about it all?

I am in NO WAY trying to justify physical violence, AT ALL - but if you are both stressed out about the mc, and haven't really talked about it, perhaps everything boiled over.

Has he ever been violent to you before? Or you to him?

Try to get some sleep - think about what you might do, and then try to decide more clearly in the morning, once things have calmed a bit.

Rhinestone · 04/04/2012 01:06

By the way, you may wish to re-post in Relationships. Certainly have a look on there anyway as there are links to Women's Aid at the top of the Relationships section and you should certainly take a look at their information.

So sorry for your miscarriage too.

CremeEggThief · 04/04/2012 01:06

Have you got anyone close to you who can come and keep you company? If not, check on your DD and go to bed. You will have more strength to face up to things after some rest, even if you can't sleep.
Don't let your DH back in tonight.

I really hope things work out for you and I am sure wiser, more helpful people than I will be along in due course to advise you.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 01:07

Yes, he's gone.

I actually called my best friend who was out with us tonight to clarify that I hadn't said anything, and they said 'oh my god I'm going to ring him' and it went straight to voicemail.

I then did to, and again it went to voicemail.

I hit him too. I pushed him back and tried to kick him. I'm in the wrong too.

I just can't believe it happened. I feel like I'm in shock.

OP posts:
BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 04/04/2012 01:07

I'm so sorry.

Do uou know where he is now? When he's likely to come back? Have you thought through whether you'd be safe to let him back in...?

Birdsgottafly · 04/04/2012 01:09

Sleep on it as best you can and see what tomorrow brings, not very helpful, but you will at least be able to think more clearly.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 01:09

He's not violent. (Someone asked that.)

He's amazing. usually. I can't belive his phone is off. I want to call him. I want him to come back and sort this out.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 04/04/2012 01:11

I honestly think you should leave that til tomorrow. Not much can be achieved tonight.

JaneFonda · 04/04/2012 01:11

Please, OP, try to get some sleep.

I know it seems impossible, but things will seem much clearer in the morning.

DH has probably gone to a friend's house, so try not to worry.

You will not achieve anything in terms of working this out tonight, so get some rest. At the moment, emotions are high and, as you said, you're still in shock. You will be able to sort things out in a few hours. :)

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 01:13

I just feel like my body is burning with this infection... I shouldn't have gone out but did anyway... It was planned I planned it and I didn't want to let everybody down.. I just can't believe he's been like this to me when I'm this ill and then left when really I need help with DD (holding her etc burns even more.. she's quite young.)

I can't believe it. I can't believe hes done this to me when I'm going through this anyway. 3 weeks I've been devestated about our miscarriage and now this...

I love him so much. What on earth should I do?

OP posts:
victorialucas · 04/04/2012 01:15

Try to sleep as best you can tonight.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 01:17

okay. I'm going to bed. Thanks for your responses. Sorry for this... I just, literally, can't believe it.

OP posts:
JaneFonda · 04/04/2012 01:18

Drink a lot of water - try to drink about a litre, so you're less likely to feel worse tomorrow.

Are you hungry? You could try having something to eat, as well, to prevent a hangover (I don't know how much you drank, so this could be totally useless advice).

Although you say you were in the wrong as well, I don't think he should have left you alone with DD when you're like this. So, essentially, don't plan on grovelling to him tomorrow when it's something you both need to discuss.

CremeEggThief · 04/04/2012 01:18

Would it be worth ringing NHS Direct wrt your infection symptoms? If you don't think so, are you able to take some painkillers now and maybe some warm milk or herbal tea before bed?

Pitmountainpony · 04/04/2012 05:22

I am so sorry....poor you.
All I can say Is even good men can be utter arses at times and it is very disappointing and hard to process. Violence is unaccetable and when this blows over he needs to look at changing this response.
Having just had a c section and be in considerable pain my husband has just shouted using the f word repeatedly .....as I asked him to pick up a piece of paper that my son had just slipped on on the floor....he then screamed and f Ed as I had not used a coaster for a glass of water on his beloved furniture......I was looking for painkillers and had momentarily put it down.
Crying with a 3 day baby on me.....
The point is even good people can be nasty at times and I don't know how we handle this......it is not right. You just have to talk it through when you calm down.....and decide whether you can be with the weaknesses your partner has.
I will be having the day apart from my dh tomorrow to calm down.....but I know he will do it again as he has a temper and I clearly wind him up when I have to ask him to do things like now when I am compromised in what I can do.
Just sharing to say.....relationships are challenging as you get the best and worst of someone.
I feel really sorry for you but I can believe your dh is a good man with an unpleasant flaw that has caused this mean behaviour towards you.
Try to talk it through.

Rowood · 04/04/2012 05:47

Emotions are high, you feel sad. I have been here. Don't call the police or leave him and don't ask for advice on here. No one knows you or your hubby or situation. I am not saying out up with abuse but talk to someone who knows you both.
I have been in a situation where I completely lost it with my partner over a crappy misunderstanding and practically went wild, I regretted it massively and would never do it again- I was hormonal and also very sad. Not every situation there are a million variables. Talk to him, have some time out and you will know the answer. Good luck

Bucharest · 04/04/2012 06:07

You pushed and kicked out at him but you have a hand bruise on your chest?

You've posted this in AIBU. Are you being unreasonable for what?

The only thing you would be unreasonable about is to let this lie.

Hope you get a good night's sleep and feel physically better when you wake up. But you need to think about this, no matter what stress and upset you are both going through, the fact that you were the victim of domestic violence (and I'm calling it that on purpose to make you see that's what it was) can't be excused.

AwkwardMary · 04/04/2012 08:11

I hope you're feeling alright you poor thing. I hope you don't feel rotten today...let us know.

thebody · 04/04/2012 08:46

Morning, read your thread and wondering how u are xx

Pitmountainpony · 04/04/2012 08:47

I am not trivia.ising what has happened by saying talk it through.....the truth is that you have both been through a stressful and emotional time and you suggest what has happened is out of character.... I expect you wi
L have a very apologetic husband later today......personally I think a lot can be worked out when people love each other......and beware of the opinions you will
get on here........only you know what happened and fights as ugl y as they are do not mean you need to call the police and report him unless you are in danger.
Look after your health first and rest....infections make you feel awful on top of what you have been through.......your husband has behaved badly but I hope and suspect he knows this and makes amends later today. Take care.

Pitmountainpony · 04/04/2012 08:50

Bucharest....is the husband also the victim of domestic violence if the poster also struck him as she suggests? I thought Dom violence is one way rather than a two way fight.genuine question.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/04/2012 08:52

pitmountainpony, I'm really sorry, but your dh does not sound like a good man with a flaw - there is no excuse for yelling and swearing at a woman who asks you to pick up a piece of paper, when she's just had a cs. Or for not using a coaster. I would start a thread in Relationships if I were you, and get some proper advice, because that behaviour is utterly vile.

OP, I would say that you hitting him, was self defence. He's yelled at you all the way home (in front of your child) and has left a bruise on your chest. all this when he knows how ill you are. If it was the drink that set him off, then I would tell him not to drink any more if it makes him behave like this. If this is truly out of character, then I think you both need to see someone to talk through all the pressure and stress you are both under.

Is he home yet?

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