Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
Ephiny · 04/04/2012 10:49

Don't beg him to come back. Regardless of who was at fault when it comes to the violence, it sounds like it would be best for you to have some space from each other at the moment.

None of us were there to see what happened, but from what you've said he was the one who started the physical violence (and you retaliated), he shoved you hard enough to give you a bruise, when you were already ill and in pain. Sounds pretty inexcusable behaviour to me, regardless of what you did or didn't do in retaliation.

I'm not going to say you should leave him, but really do think some time apart might be a good idea, at least until you both feel confident that nothing like this (either the verbal abuse or the physical stuff) is going to happen again, especially not in front of your child.

Nyac · 04/04/2012 10:50

There's never an excuse for violence Bob.

It was the OP who actually had the miscarriage, so she's had the physical suffering to go through as well as the mental and emotional anguish. So does that allow her to go to the kitchen drawer and get the knives out? I mean she's got even more of an excuse. Thinking there can ever be justified reasons for a man to be violent to a woman is such a dangerous way of thinking.

TrophyEyes · 04/04/2012 10:51

Ditto what Nyac said at 10:50.

everlong · 04/04/2012 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 10:53

Nyac - The friends taking the piss and laughing were men. He was trying to arrange a night out with them over easter, and they were saying, lets make it a long thing, go out lunchtime on good friday and make it a long one, and then saying, but you know xxxx won't like it, she'll tell you you can go out at 8 and be back at 10 and you'll do it, but we'll still go hahaha etc.

And everyone was laughing, but I just looked over, laughed and didn't say a word about it. I was actually in a seperate conversation with my friend about her pregnancy.

DH knows I like to have him home on the weekends (I look forward to it all week!) and I would prefer for him to spend days out with me and DD than go out and 'waste' what is our family time together being with other people. But I would never stop him. Surely its the same for most people. If DH works long hours all week, it's just so lovely to have them home on the weekend, that them going out without you / choosing to be with friends rather than you and DC is dissapointing. But unless we had concrete plans I would never tell him not to go. (Actually, I would never tell him not to go anyway, I would ask, and never in front of his friends.)

OP posts:
Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 10:54

I dont know Nyac, but that is exactly what i did to my DP when i lost my father - grief can take away rationality. To be fair, i did have a total breakdown,but thankfully my DP saw this and didn't leave me. He defended himself too. That was four/five years ago. Its taken us a while but we are now stronger than we ever were, no more fights. It was a horrible time.

I don't really want to get into the mc argument because its clearly not the case, the man is being a cunt - but it could have been, could very easily have been becuase he had internalised his grief and men do feel the loss to, its deeply offensive to suggest otherwise.

ike1 · 04/04/2012 10:55

Sorry OP you have enough on your plate at the mo, but I think he is having an affair. The argument from nowhere, the staying out, and now you are STILL to blame and unreasonable in his eyes....there is FAR more to this than the surface circs. Prepare yourself my love. Take Care x

threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 10:56

The way he's treating you is totally unacceptable. The hardest thing IMO is realising that your DH is not the man you thought he was. It's really difficult to face but sadly it's true. No amount of talking will turn him back into that man (although you may be able to fool yourself for a while - please beware of doing that).

I think you should take a picture of the bruise now, in case you need to prove to him (or anyone else) that he really did hurt you. He may try to say it wasn't that bad, and perhaps you will decide to report him later on.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 10:56

It sounds like your DH's friends are a bunch of immature pricks, if your DH was any sort of man, he would have shut them the fuck up by saying, "actually i would prefer to be with my wife and family than you bunch of idiots" But he didn't did he, he took his childish frustrations out on you. Fucking pig - this would take a lot of forgiving from me, im not sure if i COULD get past it. Especailly as you were poorly at the time. What was he thinking.

everlong · 04/04/2012 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 10:57

ike1 - WTF????

ike1 · 04/04/2012 10:59

This is exactly the sort of behaviour I suffered before discovering the affair my DH had .....made up arguments etc. He was generally definitely not an argumentative type either. Just saying...

TrophyEyes · 04/04/2012 11:00

Namechange, it sounds like he's confused (deliberately perhaps?) what his friends were saying for something that you said. Even so, his behaviour is unacceptable.

Please, take a photo of the bruise. Write details of the event on a seperate piece of paper. Refrain from writing anything that blames yourself, as hard as it may be. Then, it's up to you to decide where you go from here. It's simple to me. He has assaulted you. He was gaslighting you. I'd rather you called the police. Because, from what I know, there's always going to be another time, despite however many times he states "it won't happen again". The fact he is still blaming you shows that he is not willing to accept responsibility for his actions. You don't need to put up with this. You really don't.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:00

I actually took a picture of the bruise and sent it to him. But no reply as yet. He hasn't replied to me for ages.

I know people are saying stop asking him to come back etc, but I can't. I don't want to ruin our little family. We are usually so happy. We were trying to have another baby, we are in the process of moving to a bigger house, it's happy times (usually!!) and now I just feel lost. I love him so much. I just feel broken.

I thought texting him a picture of the bruise would shock him and make him realise that last night was just all a horrible experience, apologize, and move on. Come home. Hug, say sorry. But nothing.

OP posts:
Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:00
Hmm
dyspeptic · 04/04/2012 11:00

I don't understand the tone of the posts theorising that we don't know what happens, maybe the op did wind him up, maybe she was more aggressive, why would she speak to her friend... Such bollocks. we can only read what is here and what you write op makes your dh sound appalling.

You felt you needed to check with your friend that you hadn't said the things he accused you of, it wouldn't matter if you had he should never ave spoken to you as he did and then attacked you. There isn't an excuse. You needed your friend to reassure you, feel bad for defending yourself, you felt you needed him back and to make it better... I wonder whether he has been complicit in undermining your confidence.

ike1 · 04/04/2012 11:00

No need for WTFs I am pointing this out..just like another poster up thread.

Nyac · 04/04/2012 11:02

He's a bully.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/04/2012 11:02

Quite often when people are having affairs, they distance themselves emotionally from their partner, pick fights on purpose etc as a way of excusing what they are doing. They know that good husbands don't cheat on their wives, so they find a way to blame the wife for their affair, so they don't have to feel guilty and think of themselves as not being a 'good' person.

Op's dh is exhibiting those classic traits, so that's where the idea comes from.

Of course, he doesn't have to be having an affair in order to demonstrate prickish traits - he could just be a prick!

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:03

Namechange, have you had a thread on here recently? about him controlling finances etc? Apologies if that is the case

Keep that picture on yoru phone my love, you might need it as evidence, in fact id get it logged somehow. Im really sorry but he is behaving atrociously

The Hmm was not for you btw

glastocat · 04/04/2012 11:03

I'm afraid I smell a rat about how your husband is behaving.I hope I am wrong but I suspect there may be more to his behaviour than meets the eye. It just doesn't make sense to accuse you of something like this out of the blue IYKWIM? Hopefully my rarar is twitching unneccessarily, but try to think if this is entirely out of the blue.

everlong · 04/04/2012 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:04

No, I do post on here but only in the conception / pregnancy usually. I haven't had another thread in this topic.

OP posts:
Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:04

dyspeptic i was merely pointing out that we only had a first few posts to go on and it didnt tell the whole story. Sadly, this mornings posts do and its not great :(

porcamiseria · 04/04/2012 11:05

fuck me, its been moved to relationships

sigh

alot of people with ther own (not unreasonable baggage) are going to come and fuck this up