Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

[namechangeforthis100]

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

He is gaslighting her because he was accusing her of something she hadn't done, confirmed by her friends. Rewriting history in order to justify verbally abusing her.

Very well said everlong.
I have been taking my cues from the OP who says she loves her husband, who accepts at least some of the blame for the fight and who wants to sort things out.
Talk of gaslighting is inappropriate and rather insulting to the OP. She is not a fool to say that her husband is amazing. She is the person who knows him.
To dismiss her husband's loss is cruel. How dare you? They have both lost a baby. It is no wonder they are feeling strssed and vulnerable. Her DH made a huge mistake in blowing up in the way he did, but as far as I see it the OP is asking for help in how to move forward and throwing insults at her husband (or even more rediculous) at men in general will not help her with that.

And I am not saying he isn't grieving. But this is not part of his grief. Grief does not involve pushing around someone you are supposed to love.

Anger is very much part of grieving.

OP. can you take your DD out for a really mice positive day out and text your DH to say you're ready to talk?

Oh please; just because someone pushes or tries to kick someone in self defence, it doesn't make them abusive. I know I did on occassion lash out at my ex in defense; it was that or he'd carry on assaulting me, and he'd do so whilst blocking the doorway.

OP, how are you feeling today?

Do not, by any means, go down the relationship counselling route. I was told to try that route by various family members. Every agency I approached told me the same thing. They don't work with relationships where there is abuse.

Take a photo of the bruise; you may need to use a mirror or a trusted friend to do so. It is, from there, up to you to decide what to do with this. If you decide to press charges, you then have evidence, regardless of how far down the line you decide to press charges. On a seperate sheet of paper, or in a diary, note how you received the bruise, when, and anything else you feel is relevant.

OP, feel free to rant away. I know it helped me so often. It also helps, sometimes to put things into perspective.

Please try and rest. Get plenty of fluids. Is there anyone else that can come and help while you recover?

If you decide to contact Women's Aid, you can do so on 0808 2000 247, or through their website womensaid.org.uk/ I'd suggest doing so in a "private browsing" session.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

PS. I've asked for this thread to be moved to relationships. There's people who have better advice on the matter.

Pushing your partner has very little to do with anger and everything to do with control.

But please carry on minimising his behaviour. And people wonder why women stay in abusive relationships.

I've grieved for people. I didn't push DS around as a result. Or my P at the time.

Oh gosh, you poor thing, am so very sorry for your loss.

Is it feasible that your DH was just expressing his grief? the same for you? if this is the first time this has happened you need to get together with him and have a very long conversation. You know it can't happen again, im sure he does too. If this is not a one off then a very very different situation.

Abigail she was violent too - that doesn't minimise what he did but it does change the slant of things. They were both faced with some devestating news and it sounds too me like they were not dealing with it, night out, tryin to put it out of their minds etc - a mixture of greif, illness, tiredness and alcohol has resulted ina horrible flair up, both were wrong - they can move on from this, as i said, if it was a one off.

So have i trophy - i did worse than push my DP(male before you ask) around :( Im far from proud of it, and my greif was not an excuse, but it was (part of) the reason.

I have never hit someone as a result of grief, but I have said incredibly cruel things and shouted at people in a way that is totally out of character for me.

Well said everlong fucks sake you'd think I was scum to suggest the husband might be grieving. Nor, abigail did I suggest holding him any less to account. I believe u suggested they talk. Far out there suggestions, eh? ...

OP, you are not to blame for his actions. The way he treated and spoke to you is vile.

I am so sorry for your loss, please take care of yourself and DD.

Typo.... I believe I suggested they vtalk... Sorry, silly phone!

Do men not greive over mc's then? Bloody hell :(

OP, i think you need to sit and talk to your DH and ask him why he thought it all got so out of control last night. Don't make any rash decisions. Your immediate concern is getting checked out physically if you are still suffering from this infection, that is very serious.

I hope you manage to sort things xxxx

Goawaybob, she reacted, from what I can see, in self defence.

In fact, if she had the police officer I had after pressing charges against my xP, she'd be told it was self defence.

What happened to "We Believe You"? Or does that not apply to domestic abuse?

Talking, FWIW, does little in abusive situations, especially where one partner is twisting another's words or trying to imply something happened that didn't, or vice versa (a la OP's DH) I know when I tried discussing such matters with XP, I ended up coming away from it thinking it was my fault somehow. Even when the only thing I'd dared to do wrong was return an hour late from work. m

OP how are you this morning?

Goawaybob, you can grieve with out gaslighting your DP. you can grieve without resorting to violence.

I am interested to understand what those who are saying the OP was as bad as the DH would liked her to have done.

So when HE was physically violent to her. What should she have done?

namechangeforthis100 - how are you today? I hope you're feeling a bit betteer physically, though I'm sure emotionally you feel rock bottom at the moment. I feel for you.

I have to say I'm in total agreement with Hecate. It's not detracting from your H's grief to say that his experience of your miscarriage is just not comparable to yours. He has not had to cope with the physiological fallout on top of the emotional trauma, and the former exacerbates the latter even more. That's without an infection on top. You've been through hell and back you poor thing.

Nothing excuses his behaviour. Nothing. No ifs, buts, maybes, its understandables. NOTHING. My DC provoke me far more than anything the OP said (and actually didn't say as her H made it up) and I still don't resort to hitting them and leaving hand-shaped bruises on their chests, no matter what else my be going on in my life. To do that to a woman who has just been seriously ill and lost a baby is beyond abhorrent.

IME the sort of men who have a 'one-off' like this are so rare as to be practically mythological. IME there is nearly always a pattern of abusive or controlling behaviour leading up to an incident like this, though it may not have been noticed or been actively denied by the person on the receiving end - particularly if they are a nice person willing to take responsibility for their own part in events, which then gets totally manipulated by the abuser and used as justification.

namechange - it's your life and no one can or should make decisions for you. I imagine you need time to lick your wounds and have a really good think about all this. You might not want to involve the police and while I think you should, that's your call not mine. However, I urge you to please go back to the hospital or your GP to be checked over as a physical fight following a miscarriage may result in some internal bleeding and it won't hurt to have a record of this incident should you decide to take action in the future.

I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best.