Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 04/04/2012 08:55

TOTALLY what Rowood said. Don't jump in feet first until you've both talked. HE HAS LIST A BABY too, he is also prob feeling shit, guilty, awful too, if he is as lovely ad you say. You're both grieving. So sorry for both of you. Please talk to him asap and very best of luck to you both.

JustHecate · 04/04/2012 08:57

my god. How awful.

Correct me if I am wrong, but this is the sequence of events, yes?

You had a miscarriage which left you with an infection, which you have been hospitalised for.

You were in hospital the day before yesterday. In pain and no doubt very upset.

Your husband chose this moment to launch into an attack on you for some supposed conversation you had previously. Chose this moment - you just out of hospital, feeling low - when driving you home from a much needed night out, picking a fight with you and calling you names - with your young child as witness to this.

He carries on verbally abusing you, screaming at you, while you try to tell him that you haven't done anything.

He then puts his hands on you

You defend yourself. - he has put his hands on you first. You are entitled to defend yourself when someone puts their hands on you!

He then carries on attacking you, and you are now in a fight - which HE started by shoving you.

He then decides to walk out and you take the keys.

I know you said all this, but it was quite jumbled, understandably, but if the sequence of events is as above - he attacked you! verbally and then physically. He was spoiling for a fight and intended one. And once he moved to attack you physically - you were defending yourself.

You are NOT as bad as each other! This isn't 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other. He set out to have an argument with you when you were very vulnerable and he was physically aggressive. I can't say it enough that you have the RIGHT to defend yourself and protect yourself when someone is being physically aggressive to you. You have that right in law!

He's gone now? Good. That's for the best.

Whatever happens, do NOT allow him to convince you this was a mutual attack, an argument. It was not.

cestlavielife · 04/04/2012 09:01

Get practical support from family and friends and stay away from each other for a couple days at least til you can review rationally and decide if this was a total one off or if there is more to it.

If you frequently have blazing physical rows you both need to address this .

If it is more him than you then again needs addressing

porcamiseria · 04/04/2012 09:03

Oh dear, he has behaved very badly but you know that

emotions are running very high right now. The main thing you need to do is try and calm down, and focus on resting and getting better

you are very ill, so is there anyone that can help look after your other child?

If not, can you make sure you have a quier duvet day? Lots of DVDs, easy to cook food etc

right now you are in a terrible state, you have lost a baby AND had the worst ever fight. Please try and focus on yourself, so you can recover and handle your other child

yes you had a fight, but he (a) attached you when ill and (b) left you to look after a child when ill

He has behaved VERY badly. So hold onto this

I would be inclined to NOT call him and NOT chase him. he will be back, eventually

then you need to handle the "conversaton"

I get you are both grieving, but I think you desreved a fuck lot more TLC to be honest

everlong · 04/04/2012 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mcmooncup · 04/04/2012 09:05

Hear hear Hectate.
The verbal attacks in the car, then HIM pushing you..........
What exactly do you think you have done wrong?? Not laid down and taken the beating??

yousankmybattleship · 04/04/2012 09:08

Oh dear. It sounds as if both of you have been through a really rough time recently. Quite possibly drink was part of it, or maybe an emotional release has been brewing after all the upset. Either way, it sounds as if you were both at fault. You need to find him and both say sorry. You also need to give your DD a huge, great big cuddle to reassure her. Not good at all for her to have heard that. I'd really advise keeping it between you and your DH. Friends, however well meaning, will only complicate matters. Hope all settled soon and you feel better.

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 04/04/2012 09:09

I agree with Hecate.

His behaviour was unacceptable. Defending yourself is not the same as attacking someone.

How he spoke to you in the car is unforgiveable. Losing a child is the most devastating thing possible but it isn't an accuse to verbally and physically abuse your partner.

It isn't the actions of a good man.

I'm going to report the thread to get it moved to relationships.

everlong · 04/04/2012 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dustinthewind · 04/04/2012 09:12

I agree with Hecate.
You need to decide what you want to happen, but he attacked you verbally and physically first, and you retaliated. He is in the wrong, he overreacted to a situation that arose whilst you were out together and he lost control and all reasonable responses. You defended yourself.
This is not your fault or your doing, and it is up to you what to do next. Having a discussion when he makes contact is a possibility, but would it help to consider having a silent friend there to support you?
Is this the first time he has ever done anything like this? Lost it and yelled and sworn at you? Let alone the physical attack?
He may be grieving, he may be under pressure but that in no way excuses such unacceptable behaviour to another human being, let alone a person he is supposed to love. Any chance of him accepting some form of relationship counselling?
How is your daughter today?

Whateveryousaymustberight · 04/04/2012 09:16

Rowood is the wise woman; do not jump into involving the police unless YOU genuinely believe that to be fair. None of us were there. Your friend agrees that you did not do/say what your husband said, but perhaps other people there see it differently. Only you know the nuances and subtleties of your relationship with your husband. If he has injuries too, he could report you. Is that how you both want your relationship to go? The police will be involved in this row, your friends will be brought into it, it will affect your child. If you are both deemed to be violent, what the heck might the consequences be? You will both be judged on your actions by 'experts'. Your relationship with your husband will be dramatically altered forever. On the other hand, don't let me put you off reporting this incident. None of us were there. We don't know you or your husband.

JustHecate · 04/04/2012 09:17

Amazing, wonderful, brilliant - they're all words to describe someone who is supportive. Who is there for you when times are tough, who wraps his arms round you and tells you he loves you, who talks about the grief you share, who cries with you about the loss you have both suffered.

It is NOT someone who, knowing you are just out of hospital, launches into a nasty verbal attack on you in front of your child, then gets you home, continues to scream at you before physically assaulting you.

and when you DEFEND yourself - because all you've been doing up to this point is protesting your innocence, as he screams at you - when you DEFEND yourself because he's just put his hands on you - he then gets you into a physical fight before storming out.

This is a whole new meaning of the word amazing, imo.

AND - and and and - you are left feeling / made to feel / told that both of you behaved badly? [boggle]

yousankmybattleship · 04/04/2012 09:22

Hecate. I think you need to calm down. The OP was there and she feels they were both at fault.

OP, If he is basically and amazing man who you love, then I think far better to talk to him and sort out what has happened than brand him an abuser and potentially ruin a good relationship.

As humans we all make mistakes. We all behave like idiots sometimes - particularly when under great stress. I would not excuse what he has done for a moment, but I also don't agree that it means he is necessarily a bad man.

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 04/04/2012 09:23

I still agree with Hecate and I think its quite dismissive and rude to tell someone to "calm down"

scuzy · 04/04/2012 09:24

OP i feel awful for you. its a horrible time you are going through. and what he did was wrong, as you. and i am no way defending his actions

however he has also lost a child. perhaps like you havent had time to grieve and support each other since you were in hospital. sounds like you both need to sit down and talk. if he has never done this before only you know if it is not like him.

again i am not excusing this fight but just a thought.

yousankmybattleship · 04/04/2012 09:24

I don't mean to be rude, but I also don't think the ranting is helpful for OP.

scuzy · 04/04/2012 09:25

i agree wholeheartedly with yousankmybattleship

everlong · 04/04/2012 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scuzy · 04/04/2012 09:28

i think you need time together, alone. not nights out. you both need to talk about how you BOTH feel about what has happened of late. you need to physically and emotionally heal. mind yourself. mind each other. its an awful time.

JustHecate · 04/04/2012 09:30

We'll have to agree to disagree, yousank. I am not calm, this is true. I am not calm when a woman describes such an event and feels like she is partly to blame for it (how often do women feel they are to blame for things that they are not?...)

However, I will happily leave the thread if being angry about the situation described is potentially upsetting and any contributions from me are likely to be unhelpful to the OP, because that is not my intention.

But I have to say, that I will never calm down when a woman is placed in a situation where she has to physically defend herself and is then left feeling that by doing so, she is equally responsible for the entire situation.

Dustinthewind · 04/04/2012 09:31

I agree that talking should be the next step, and that is entirely up to the OP how she chooses to handle the situation. I just don't think she has anything to blame herself for, or that the responsibility for the fight is hers in any way.
If her OH can articulate why he lost the plot so spectacularly and face up to what happened truthfully, and accept that what he did was unacceptable, then there might be the possibility of reforging the relationship.
But if he chooses to blame her and insists that he was justified, even a little bit, then I would be very worried about how that relationship would progress in the future. And concerned about the OP's emotional and physical safety.

AbigailAdams · 04/04/2012 09:32

Totally agree with Hecate. Hope you are OK OP. This man isn't amazing. He is a bully, he is gaslighting you. Amazing men don't suddenly start pushing their partner around.

And all this BS about him losing a baby too. Oh yes that is a great excuse for him to start being vebally and physically abusive. Men really are held to a lower standard of behaviour by some aren't they.

scuzy · 04/04/2012 09:34

justhectate you are right in how you feel. but we werent there. we dont know what happened. all we can go on is what the OP said. it was wrong, so wrong in what he did. he made the first physical move. then she did. then OP says they continued to be physical. sounds like (sorry OP) they both were to blame. BUT he did start it and that shouldnt be ignored. he was abused physically too.

you may say it was in defence but they both got physical after the push and kick. if she feared her life she wouild have gone but they continued.

anyways, OP i hope you can sort things in. my gut says this is not the norm for your relationship but you HAVE to address it. dare i say a one off. counselling may help as you both dont seem to be dealing with your loss very well

scuzy · 04/04/2012 09:34

yes, if he tries to justify getting physical thats a get out clause.

MNHQ
KatMumsnet · 04/04/2012 09:37

Hi, we've moved this thread to Relationships. Thanks.

Swipe left for the next trending thread