Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
ike1 · 04/04/2012 11:05

Mmmm Goawaybob ... I gave advice from my own experience and couched it in a caring way so I hope that emoticon was not for me either.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:06

oh, ok, just that another poster recently had said about moving and i was worried you might have been her. I'm glad that you aren't.

What do YOU want to happen now, you know this can't be brushed under the carpet don't you? He WILL come home, when he has stopped sulking but you cannot pretend this didnt happen

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:06

I don't think that he would have an affair. (with all the TTC he wouldn't need to!!) He is just so infatuated with our DD I just don't think he would put that at risk.

But then, he still did this I suppose so maybe I'm just way off.

OP posts:
everlong · 04/04/2012 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:06

Yes, it was actually ike1, it is completely irrelevant and unhelpful.

Nyac · 04/04/2012 11:07

Namechange, do you see that what he did to you last night was a crime, not a horrible experience.

You're very vulnerable and upset, but you also need to be angry about this. He had no right to treat you this way. He did it because he chose to.

AbigailAdams · 04/04/2012 11:07

Namechange your world has shifted forever now after what he did. Please don't minimize it and try and sweep it under the carpet. It won't fit. It will always be there between you. You will adjust your behaviour to prevent it from happening again. Please ring Women's Aid and give serious thought to ringing the police.

And I am not ruling out an affair either especially in light of his eagerness to blame you.

ike1 · 04/04/2012 11:08

Well in your opinion Goaway but actually the OP has been able to take my comment on board sensibly unlike yourself.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:10

namechange, you just need to concentrate on what you want to happen now. An apology from him would be a good start. Try and get on with your day, how old is yoru DD? How are you feeling? Do you need help caring for her today? Can you get a friend to come and help out? HE should be there supporting you, but he is being very weak indeed. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of begging him. Im not saying this has to be a deal breaker but this is a very serious situation you have found yourself in. He has alot of explaining and grovelling to do. If he can't do that, id be seriously questioning things. Put the affair out of your mind, you dont need to be clouding things further.

Ephiny · 04/04/2012 11:10

Sounds like he felt humiliated or annoyed by his friends laughing at him and decided to take it out on you. I bet he wouldn't dare say the things to them that he did to you, or hit or shove them like that, or do those things in public. Easier to take it out on a woman who's ill and in pain recovering from a miscarriage, with no one else present but a little girl. They say all bullies are cowards, don't they Angry.

Stop apologising or worrying about him being angry, or trying to persuade him to talk to you. He's not worrying about your feelings, is he, so even if you do think you were both at fault, you shouldn't be doing all the begging and apologising! He hasn't even bothered to check if you're OK.

Right now you need to look after yourself, especially your physical health.

ike1 · 04/04/2012 11:11

Thing is namechange deal with what has happened, first, lots of reasonable advice on this thread, but be aware that if he is acting in unusual ways such as sudden aggressive outbursts there may be reasons for this that will not be apparent. One of them may be an affair, in my experience this was the case.

glastocat · 04/04/2012 11:12

radar, not rarar

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:12

My DD is almost 18 months. She's a really good girl, it'll be something of a shit day at home for her, but i'll just let her turn the living room into toys r us and she'll be happy. My best friend is a med student and she's on placement right now so can't come over till later. I wouldn't call anyone else. I just feel humilated... (wouldn't with her but with anyone else iyswim)

I don't think I get to choose what happens now. It seems like he already has. My choice would be for him to come home and sort this out. But now he's back to not talking to me.

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:14

I also recognise the argument-creating, but not from having affairs.

I saw a close friend of mine do this when he wanted to get away from his then-GF, when he had a drug problem. Once for example he knew his mates were round the corner taking a certain drug which he was not addicted to, but had a particularly unhealthy relationship with. He know she wouldn't approve, but he wanted to go. He picked a fight out of the blue. It was so unlike him. (I don't think he even did it consciously, but it was very manipulative). FWIW he's grown up now and doesn't do the drugs anymore!

But there was AFAIK no violence involved.

I'm mentioning it as your DH is being so completely unreasonable, it does seem like something else must be going on.

But that something could any one of many things. Perhaps

  • he's immature, and has a need to be accepted by these mates that's so strong it clouds his judgement (but you would have noticed before surely?)
  • he's a actually an abusive arsehole (looking back, have things been building up to this)
  • he wanted to get away for a night to do something (see an OW / take drugs / hang out with his mates?)

A big alarm bell for me is that he was sober. Not that drink excuses anything, but the fact that he can't control his behaviour even when sober is pretty bad.

I'm so sorry, you must feel like you've had the rug pulled out from under you.

Can you get a RL friend to come be with you?

ike1 · 04/04/2012 11:15

Oh dear lovely....this must be so very difficult. Just try to tke care of yourself and DD for now. He is best left to sulk alone.

TrophyEyes · 04/04/2012 11:16

namechange, this won't be sorted. Even if he came home, and you went through the motions, it sits there in the back of your mind. You'll always be wondering if it will happen again.

Domestic abuse can not be fixed.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:16

He really wouldn't be on drugs. He's all about fitness etc.. he rarely even drinks.

He's just so angry. I've never seen him so angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:18

And someone asked how old he was I think? He's 30.

OP posts:
ike1 · 04/04/2012 11:19

This is what I mean, like threeleftfeet, there is probably something else going on that when you feel stronger you may have to face. But first things first. You and DD need to be the priority and he will just have to look out for himself for now.

everlong · 04/04/2012 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:19

Oh sweetheart, im so sorry - what a bastard, you do need to get angry - i do understand the desire to just want everything to be OK but its really not.

"I don't think I get to choose what happens now. It seems like he already has. My choice would be for him to come home and sort this out. But now he's back to not talking to me"

Do call your friend and get her to come and talk to you as soon as she can, get all the support you feel you need. If he is behaving like a two year old thats up to him. I imagine he is mortified, but well, now he needs to man up and apologise otherwise i would be seriously considering the future with this man. You DO have the choice you see, you can't make happen what you want to happen but you CAN chose how you react to it. Do not let him control you but ignoring you, do not even sink to his level. So Angry for you

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:20

Yeah, they do it all the time. They've got a running joke that he's not allowed to go out. (which isn't true.) I think its because we always go for days out at the weekends. Like, he's being a grown up family man.. you know?

OP posts:
ike1 · 04/04/2012 11:21

I am suggesting you begin to build up your emotional barriers NOW. Look after yourselves first you need to practice this straightaway ..its an important step in self preservation.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:23

The thing is, every person is different, every situation, different. I think you can move on from his, but ONLY if he is willing to realise what he did was so very wrong and take steps to make things right again. We are all here for you - you are not alone. No more begging, HE is the one in the wrong now, it is up to him to realise.

everlong · 04/04/2012 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.