Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

[namechangeforthis100]

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

But what should she have done everlong when he DID push and kick her?

I am trying to understand how you can say she is as much to blame as he is.

Oh OP so sorry for all of this.

The one thing I would say is do not sweep it under the carpet and say 'oh, it was only once'. This is very serious and you need support from somewhere and you need time to talk it through. You also need a friend to help you recover from your infection.

Let his next actions guide you - if he even tries to fractionally minimise what he has done, then that is a massive, massive warning sign.

I'm always slightly dubious of the usually "amazing" husbands. Call me a cynic, but it's the word I used to try and explain away xP's abuse.

the OP has a bruise on her chest. What, do you want DV victims to be black and blue before you accept there's a problem? Or should they never fight back?

I used to fight back with my xP; not all the time, but occassionally, in the vain hope that he'd come to the realisation of what he was doing.

Again. Retaliation to assault is self defense. I had an officer, who was taking my statement at seven months pregnant, alarmed that I thought I couldn't fight back, as I told him I should be arrested for slapping my XP after he went to punch me in the stomach.

See the following:

A person may use such force as is reasonable in the circumstances for the purposes of:

self-defence; or
defence of another; or
defence of property; or
prevention of crime; or
lawful arrest.
In assessing the reasonableness of the force used, prosecutors should ask two questions:

was the use of force necessary in the circumstances, i.e. Was there a need for any force at all? and
was the force used reasonable in the circumstances?

The OP was defending herself.

i am stunned that some women seem to think it's not domestic violence unless you lay down on the floor and don't fight back how hideous.

op i hope you got some sleep.

i don't think you were wrong to call your friend - if this did turn into an ongoing violent and abusive relationship your silence, not telling your friends, would be his great ally. i think one of the first things a woman should do when hit or otherwise seriously attacked is to TELL someone.

i think even the swearing and abusing you in the car in front of your dd is a deal breaker let alone then getting you home and pushing you around

don't feel bad for fighting back - that is defending yourself - are you meant to just stand there and take it as someone bigger than you shoves you around? it is natural human instinct to have a surge of adrenaline and either fight back or run away - presumably running away wasn't an available option in your own home with your dd to look after.

Trophy Thanks for that little pearl of advice, i shall remember that the next time i am out of my mind with grief, im sorry you know nothing about my situation - like i said, is no excuse but maybe a reason.

I think the thing that stands out like a sore thumb here is that we just don;'t know from the OP and subsequent messages whether this is an abusive man or a one off incident as a result of tragic circumstances. We JUST DON'T KNOW. I hope that right now the OP and her DH are getting things sorted out one way or another. All we can do is support her whatever decision she makes, if she says this is a one off, out of character, just fucking accept it. It may well not be, well then if thats the case, there are plenty of postors here who are well equipped to give the OP excellent support and practical advice. It is just too early to make a judgement and actually not our place to do so.

GoAwayBob, I wasn't aware you were relating to your own situation. I was referring to your post which was in relation to the OP.

I was saying that the OP's DH could have grieved without responding to gaslighting and violence.

Hi everyone,

I've just read through all the replies and thanks for all the advice.

He didn't come back. I rang him about 50 times and text him loads just saying please come back and trying to explain that I hadn't said anything and that he started this and I just want to sort it out. I absolutely loathe being in the house overnight without him and when we've had an argument before (not often, and never ever like this) he's never stayed out all night before.
I'm pretty syure he went to his mums. He only had one drink last night as he was driving, but must have gone to his mums as its walkable from here, and I have the car keys I took from him before he left.

He text me back this morning saying that I'm in the wrong, I'm awful, and I embarrased him in front of his friends. I text back saying otherwise. It turned into a text argument. I hate texts, you can never get the tone and stuff can be so misinterpreted. But I tried to ring him in between every text and he cut me off. He told me he was going to work but not where he stayed last night. (But I'm sure his mums)

He isn't a violent person. But we do argue, as I'm sure everyone does. About money / housework / my job / etc... but it's never been as bad as this.

Thesecondcoming - I called my friend, my best friend who I've known since we were children, because I needed to talk to someone. Being told you did something you didn't do is so maddening.I just needed it confirmed. And she is very close with him as well, not used to hearing me so upset, and thats why she rang him.

I just don't know what else I can do. He's clearly so angry. He's even blocked me from facebook - I mean, I don't get it.

I don't need to go back to the hospital, I just have to call again tomorrow for repeat blood results. I've got painkillers and antibiotics, It's just taken a lot out of me. DH's mum had my DD when I was very ill the other day but I can't call her because I don't know what he's said to them. I feel humilated.

Report him to the police. He attacked you and pushed you. You defended yourself.

Also you need Women's Aid: www.womensaid.org.uk/ 0808 2000 247

He could have yes, but he didn't. That could be because he was at the end of his tether and it just all exploded. It could equally be that he is a cunt, but at this stage we just don't know.

I also find this new fashion for gaslighting really irritating. It is being thrown into situations totally inappropriately. The DH was not gaslighting the OP, sounds to me like he was really fucked off with his friend, but felt his anger towards the OP and got confused as to what was said by who. It just sounds like a horrible boiling pot of emotion. He absolutely was in the wrong, but i don't think it is appropriate to be bringing out the "leave the bastard" banners at this stage.

Everlong, I told my parents that the event I pressed charges against my ex for was a one off.

Instead, he'd subjected me to a four year reign of terror, which was physically, emotionally, financially, sexually and psychologically abusive. People play down their abuse. So, I'm keeping an open mind about it.

To everyone outside of my relationship, my relationship was perfect. They were shocked beyond recognition when xP was arrested for assaulting me at seven months pregnant. Even more so when he was arrested and charged when DS was ten months pregnant, and I ended up in a refuge. My parents only know about the latter event.

He is violent, he pushed her and left a hand-shaped mark on her chest. He's just demonstrated it.

This is a weird thread. There is no excuse for violence - none.

Also:

"They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc."

Also is your husband having an affair with this woman. Because they are acting like a pair against you, and he appeared to pick a fight so he could go off.

oh namechange I'm so sorry. I can't believe your OH. He became physical and actually bruised you and yet he's the one being angry with you.

If he was a decent man, he'd agree to come back and talk about this calmly - with unreserved apology for his violence - because you are physically quite unwell and in need of support right now for yourself, not to mention being left in sole charge of your DD who also happens to be 50% his responsibility.

Can you get a friend to come round to stay with you for a few days? In your situation that's what I'd do and I'd leave contacting your H for a few days. Please don't keep trying to get him to engage or you'll quickly find yourself in a situation where you are apologising to him simply in order to keep the peace and get back to normal. That's a very dangerous precedent to set.

Right - he is calling YOU awful, saying that YOU are to blame? Even after cooling down? Blocking your from facebook? How old is he?

Ok, so with the new post - the man is a cunt and behaving in a disgusting way. Fuck him, let him stew - and quite frankly, if he comes back i would be considering letting it be to pack a bag.

If this is how he grieves

OP, please don't call the police today. That is a step you can't go back from. Could your friend or someone else come and keep you company today? I'd send a text to say you genuilenly don't understand why he is so angry and that you really want to see him and then leave off the texts. As you say, they can easily be misundrestood. I think your priority for today is to look after yourself and your DD. A day or two may be helpful for a bit of a cooling off period, but it doesn't sound as if you should be alone.

Oh namechange this sounds awful. You are not to blame. He instigated an argument based on a falsehood. He then chose to escalate that argument when you got home. Now he isn't taking any responsibility. Please ring Women's Aid. And please speak to your friend. For him to show no remorse is really not a good sign at all.

Men who call their wives vile, drunk and bitches need the divorce papers serving.

Why are people making excuses for this person?

Please don't send him anymore texts asking him to come home and sort - id be getting some legal advice - sorry it has come to this.

Nyac - no excuses from me, was hoping upthread that it WAS a case of a horroble flare up of greif, tiredness and stress, but sadly it has proved otherwise :(

Please do call the police. You have a handprint on your chest which is evidence. It will fade then you won't have anything. If this is a one off then he will be deeply apologetic and understand why you had to do this. He's a danger to you, so you have to protect yourself.

He has assaulted you, this is a crime. He invented provocation (making up something you'd said that you hadn't). I think your situation is an awful lot more serious than you're allowing yourself to admit.

Please phone Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247

They will help you. I promise.

Honey, I'm sorry, but he is being a total prick. Stop begging for him to listen to you and stop apologising.

What sort of man blocks his own wife from fb - sounds like the kind of behaviour you'd get from a 12 year old.

I think in your position, I would phone his mum, find out what he's told her and put her straight. I would then leave a message for him to collect some clothes that you will pack up for him and leave in the garden and that he is not welcome back until/unless he starts behaving like an adult and not a petulant child.

You are ill - do you really want to remain married to a man who so utterly fails to support you at this time and who is so mean and childish?

I would seriously be thinking about what I wanted out of life - and it wouldn't be a relationship like this.

The only excuse I can think of for this is a complete mental breakdown - in which case his mum needs to make him go to the doctor. Any other reason is just him being a violent bully.