Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

631 replies

cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:28

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

OP posts:
TubbyDuffs · 28/03/2012 15:31

Is there another person involved?

It seems to me that his total lack of effort in keeping the marriage going might stem from the fact that he has found someone else.

I could be wrong, but men rarely walk away from a relationship to nothing in my experience.

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:38

Thanks for replying Tubby.

I really don't think there is anyone else, he is either in work or at home so where he would fit that in I don't know! He has been away on a training course for the last 3 weeks, and although something could have happened then, he has sworn it hasn't. Whether thats true though I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 28/03/2012 15:38

:( :(
im so sorry to hear this, its an awful awful feeling.

I suspect someone has turned his head, even if there is actually nothing going on iyswim. There is usually a catalyst, especially if someone is refusing to try and make it work.
The worst thing is the fact he didnt tell you about how he was feeling long before it got this bad for him so you could work on it then.

Its no shame on you if you do beg, but im not sure what it will do

maleview70 · 28/03/2012 15:39

Not many men just walk out on their family for that reason alone.

My guess is he is seeing someone or wants to.

Not at least trying is criminal in my view when you have kids.

KatieScarlett2833 · 28/03/2012 15:42

I smell an OW, sorry Sad

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/03/2012 15:42

If you've suggested counselling and offered a trial separation then you've said you want to work things out. If that's been turned down there's not a lot you can practically do. Does seem rather sudden and I agree with the other posters that you'll probably find there's someone else waiting in the wings. Sorry this has happened to you. It's a very nasty shock.

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:44

I've been unhappy as well the last year or so, but I was unhappy because of the lack of time we have together, I was sure once we got out of the baby/ toddler phase we could sort it. We knew we had work to do on our marriage, I just had no idea he didn't want to work on it. I've been with him since I was 18 Fgs!

OP posts:
Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:47

Thanks for the replies. I need to ask him again about an OW then, don't I. He's not staying with an OW though, he's here for the kids or at his dad's. His dad lives in the street behind us so I'm sure of that.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 28/03/2012 15:49

Does he have a mobile phone?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 28/03/2012 15:50

What an awful shock, especially with two young ones. Does sound like he has had his head turned.

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:55

Yes Katie he has a mobile. Worth a snoop I suppose, if I can find it. He will be staying here a few nights for me to work the next morning, so maybe I'll have to play detective.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 28/03/2012 15:55

Sad The "I don't love you anymore" script.

Sorry but I agree that there is a very strong chance there is an OW. He could have met someone on the training course and or she could be a work colleague.

The reason why he does not want to work on the marriage is because he has detached from you - his emotions (and other bits) are engaged elsewhere.

I would advise you to do some snooping. Check laptop/PC, bank account, credit card bills, receipts etc.

AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 15:57

I am really sorry

There is more to this, I am sure

Don't beg him though. It sounds like it is falling on deaf ears, and in the future you will regret offering up your self respect to someone who checked out of your marriage some time ago

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:59

Ok, worst case scenario he is off to somewhere else, is there some website that lists the things I need to be thinking of to separate? I know I could google but haven't got the energy right now. I have some legal training so could possibly start on some stuff myself to protect myself financially etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 16:00

Madabouthotchoc, that's right, he seems detached. There is a lot of crying from him about how sorry he is but I cried when the cat was ill. Doesn't mean much.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 28/03/2012 16:08

Is he in the habit of leaving his phone lying around?

Adayforthinking · 28/03/2012 16:10

Sorry cwtchy, this is awful for you.

My BF had the same thing said to her back in October last year with absolutely no warning. She then found a hidden mobile phone that provided her with evidence of an OW.

Unfortunately in their situation, they are now getting divorced and he has moved in with OW. But I'm in awe of her strength and her dignity throughout all this. So I would back up AnyFucker and say, please don't beg, especially until you know more...

LiarsWife · 28/03/2012 16:11

Sorry you are going through this .. I bet he's got an OW too ...

My STBXH never went anywhere and managed to have an affair with someone at work .. fly days off and fake training and fake conferences

Does he guard his phone with his life? Is he vague about what he's up to? Is he agressive when you question him and try to turn it back on you? xx

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/03/2012 16:11

How long has he seemed detached for? This will give you a clue as to when the affair started.

I would take advantage of a solicitor's free half hour to find out where you stand legally and financially. In the meantime, get as much financial information you can - salaries, mortgage etc.

You can go to CAB to find out about benefits, tax credits, council tax etc.

I agree the tears are probably crocodile tears - cheaters hate to look like the bad guy and make it look like they had no option except to leave. Remember none of this is your fault - he made the choice to break up the family and leave you instead of counselling, talking to you and repairing the relationship.

I would talk to friends and family to get real life support.

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 16:15

Thanks again all.

I have my detective mac on and will see what I can turn up.

My friends in RL are being fab, and helping me out. But getting a perspective on the situation from people who don't know us has been very useful.

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 28/03/2012 16:17

It also helped me to get proof ... He just denied everything until I had hard evidence .. so if you can ind something I think that would help you move on to the angry stage a bit quicker x

MissFaversham · 28/03/2012 16:22

Oh OP poor you. Unfortunately you can't make another person do anything Sad

And yes, in my experience also, this has been planned by him for a long time and unfortunately there is usually another woman involved.

HavePatience · 28/03/2012 16:25

All threads on here where the OP has stated similar to you have resulted in an OW :(. I've seen it happen four times in real life as well. I don't have experience of it myself, but because of MN and seeing all of these threads where dh was lovely and wonderful in every way, then just gets wrapped up in OW so suddenly... I live in fear of it happening. If dh were to say to me what your OP says yours said to you, I would automatically think, "OW" because it is a script replayed 1000x on MN and in RL :(. So sorry, OP.

BeforeAndAfter · 28/03/2012 16:25

So sorry you?re going through this OP. I hate to say it but my OW radar?s twitching away.

I went through this last year. My thread?s pretty old and unused but if you?ve a day or three to spare (!) take a look and see if any of it can help you. Similar to you, we?d been together 15 yrs, married for 5 but no children of our own - 2 grown up DSDs. We?d been distant, he said he didn?t love me anymore. I fought and argued the case for our marriage. Sadly he was just treading a path so well-worn by so many men and he had found someone else and was trying to extricate himself from our marriage without telling me or anyone about OW. I couldn?t believe he would rather live alone than with me (we did not have a bad relationship by any means, it just wasn?t overtly fun anymore, like it is when you have that tingle). So I figured there was someone else and there was. The truth revealed itself very slowly through a combination of my amateur detective skills (car GPS is a good one - check destinations) and me just dragging it out of him by bombarding him with questions non-stop.

You need to be able to live with any decision that you take now, whatever happens. I had to fight for my marriage because I knew I would regret it if I didn?t but I could only fight when I knew what/who I was fighting. I fought and I sort of won in that he was still with me in body, but that?s all, his heart and soul were elsewhere, and when I finally accepted that I left him but I had to reach that point so I could move on with my life without looking in the past.

Keep posting - it?s a life and sanity saver. Some great threads that can really inspire you are WisedUpWoman, Saffysmum and DrFayRay. I lurked and lurked on Wisey and Saffy?s threads and drew so much advice from them long before I actually started posting.

For legal stuff you can get a free hour or 30 mins from most family law firms. Book up a few free sessions and then go and equip yourself with facts specific to your situation. You may also find a lawyer that you gel with while you're at it which is no bad thing!

Good luck and take care

B&A

redrubyshoes · 28/03/2012 16:28

Yet another here that thinks there is another women. Sad