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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

631 replies

cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:28

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 20:29

Whoa, slow down a bit

I am one of those who thinks "OW" but this random house could be anything... a mate, a colleague, yes an OW. But don't jump the gun too soon and show your hand.

He will continue to deny on this rather flimsy evidence.

CurrySpice · 28/03/2012 20:31

Yes, Hold fire and bide your time. This is potentially your window to get stuff done / prepare / have the knowledge-is-power upper hand

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 28/03/2012 20:31

Bloody hell love, what a shock. So sorry.

chocoraisin · 28/03/2012 20:31

also try checking all computer histories in the house (he may have been lazy and borrowed your laptop for example). Go through his pockets, check his drawers... it feels awful :( but it's amazing how lazy cheaters are when they are still fairly sure no-one is onto them. As soon as you let him know you are, he'll start a clean up operation. So, so, sorry you are going through this. We'll be here to hold you hand as long as you need x

AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 20:35

Use this time to get yourself on the same page as him, if there is in fact a "page" (I think there is, but you don't know for sure)

If there is something going on, he is many steps ahead of you, will have had plenty of time to think all this through and plan. Now you start planning

Get more information, evidence if you are ok with snooping (some people would vilify you for that, I am not one of them), think very carefully about what you want, find out practicalities of finances etc if you were to stay split and crystallise what it is you want

I also suggest you get some RL support, someone who is on your side who doesn't make excuses for cowardly men

sternface · 28/03/2012 20:53

I'd too get more evidence before confronting. The phone's the best bet - especially the bills.

OP depending on whether you think you could forgive an affair if he did all the right things and ended it, sometimes a discovery brings things to a head and the cheater suddenly realises he doesn't want the marriage to end. Once the secrecy ends, all the 'power' goes out of the affair. I know what you mean too about at least this gives you a reason for why your husband wants out of the marriage. He might think he does, until he realises he's lost you and you've found him out.

Always better to know - you've been on the back foot for too long.

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 20:54

Ok, anyfucker and others, you are right it could be anyone's house. None of his friends that I know of live there, but I need to be sure.

As he's been away with work there is very little recent stuff around the house for me to snoop on. Our bank statements are online only and I can't get into his account.

I'm checking his Facebook friends to see if any of them are listed as living in that area. Also will check white pages - thanks chocoraisin. I will look at all the links up thread and start to get the practicalities sorted this week too.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 21:03

try googling the address

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 21:17

Google isn't coming up with any names or numbers for the address. I'll see if he visits again over the next week. He's still there now.

OP posts:
BeforeAndAfter · 28/03/2012 21:19

I?m with AF on this one - slow down. If you confront him now he?ll only admit as much as he thinks you know, which is not much, and then he?ll find out about the app and remove it. For now you don?t want him to know anything about that little i-friend!

If he?s meant to be at his Mum?s can you call him there on plausible grounds? Then you?ll find out he?s not there and you can legitimately query where he was. If you can?t figure out who lives at the house on white pages then you?ll need to spend money on 192.com. It leaves an audit trail with the credit card, so ... do what I did ... get a friend to pay on their card for you that way if you and H have joint cards he won?t start wondering. Sneaky sneaky but you need facts. I was lucky, I got to various sources of info about what my H was up to before he was on to the fact that I was snooping. Once he knew I was in detective mode he cleared the history from everything and the GPS was wiped every night but by then I?d got all the info I needed. Oh and my H went from uber-relaxed about his mobile lying around to having it glued to his person at all times, including brushing teeth at night ... He also became impossible to reach. From a man who could be telephoned at any time he was almost permanently unavailable when away from home for both me and the DSDs. Another favourite that my H came up with was popping to the ATM which meant he could phone her when he was with me.

One word of warning - if you use his passwords, look at his papers (even if he?s given the passwords to you, leaves his bank statements etc lying around) keep it to yourself. It?s a criminal act and if things ever turned nasty he could actually sue you - there is a precedent on this - my sol gave me all the bumph on it. I didn?t care, I had to know so I did what I had to and, yes, my H told me that IF I had done x and y to find out then he could sue me ... nice huh?

You need every scrap of your feminine guile right now and you got buckets of it here on MN to draw on too.

Good luck and keep it together. x

chocoraisin · 28/03/2012 21:21

try this

AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 21:27

great advice, BandA

BeforeAndAfter · 28/03/2012 21:33

Cwtchy, I forgot to mention this and it's really really hard to hear but if there is an OW I seriously recommend you get some STD tests done, just to be on the safe side. I'm sure there's no problem (and I was fine) but I had had recurring problems with thrush and UTIs since the affair started. And if he tells you he used condoms, assume it's bullshit. It's one of those horrible things to think about but it's all part of screwing on your practical head when the shit hits the fan.

EmptyCrispPackets · 28/03/2012 21:35

Hmm as much as I do agree to a certain extent about another woman it isn't always that way. You know him better than anyone and if you think there could be a chance of this dig deeper.

However. Some of what you said I can relate to. Last year me and my OH had totally lost our way with each other, had forgotten we were a couple, not just parents and shift work, along with stress (kids, money, etc) caused us to cease really communicating. He ended up saying he didn't love me in the way he ought to anymore, and at the time I thought 'fuck you' maybe it was for the best. I really didn't want him to go but at the time needed to think myself, and for 2 weeks I thought maybe this was for the best. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I missed HIM, I wanted him, for who he was not for the fact he was the kids dad (which I pondered for a while) and I knew 100% I wanted him back. The only problem was he didn't want to come back, he wanted space. I gave it to him, whilst ensuring I wasn't a doormat. I reassured him almost daily I loved him (he had thought for a long time I didn't) and we still spent time together with the kids, so they were settled. Over time we spent many hours talking, No pressure and slowly got to know each other again.

There were days when I felt I was giving my all, and he wasn't giving back, there were horrible days when I couldn't eat, I just existed. These were the days that even now, I feel sick thinking about as they were so dark but you know these days also taught me what's important and what's not. I changed, I became calmer, less stressy and this was with everyone. I lost weight, started to feel better about myself and realised deep down I wasnt unhappy with him, I'd been unhappy with myself. Yes he did things to annoy me, but that's life. No ones perfect.

In time he came home, and since then things are so much better. As dark and horrible those months were, they gave me and him lots of thinking space and I really needed this, more than he did actually yet at the time I felt like I was drowning. I've rambled a bit there, but anyway I suppose what I'm saying is sometimes it isn't always about another woman, sometimes people do fall out of love. It can be salvaged sometimes. As the saying goes 'you can't have the highs without the lows'.

I hope things work out for you.

EmptyCrispPackets · 28/03/2012 21:37

Shit I didn't see the ther posts about tracking.

Sorry OP Sad

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 21:37

Thanks Beforeandafter. I'm slowing down a bit now and building my case. We don't have joint cards so I'm going to part with some cash for 192.com, and will see what I find.

Chocoraisin, tried white pages but no luck with the address unfortunately.

I work as a professional searcher, so if he really thinks he can get past me he's got no chance.

OP posts:
TheHouseofMirth · 28/03/2012 21:39

I'd be tempted to hang on until you've got moe evidence. Unlikely but there could be an innocent explanation. Can you think of a reason to ring his mother?

AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 21:43

gosh, what's a "professional searcher" ?

I know you sound very cool-headed, Op. Are you sure you are ok, love ?

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 21:43

I was going to ring his mother, but obv she will ask him where he was, and will make him more defensive I think. Im going to keep quiet for a bit.

Emptycrisp, you have summed up exactly how I feel about him! I'm so sad. Don't think I can sleep knowing he is in an unidentified house.

OP posts:
Goawaybob · 28/03/2012 21:45

Could you phone him on some pretense? Ask the snivelling cunt where he is just now, if he says he is at his mother's you can save yourself a lot of snooping. So sorry for you OP xx

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 21:47

It's not that exciting, AF! Just a researcher type job. I'm not an international spy or anything!

I'm not ok at all. He has ripped my world completely apart, and that of our kids too, and I have no idea what's going on! But this is keeping my mind busy, I'm bloody shaking Sad

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 28/03/2012 21:51

I remember being like this - sick and upset but determined to get to the bottom of it and I spent hours on the laptop searching everything before I finally found evidence (in the deleted folder/trash bin).

Take care x

chocoraisin · 28/03/2012 21:52

can you speak to anyone in RL tonight at all? If not we'll be here, but it might help to have someone who can really hold your shaky hand/make tea/give you a hug x

AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 21:57

I am really sorry, cwtchy

amillionyears · 28/03/2012 22:02

Just in case he is innocent,could you urge that you both go away for a few days? He may say no, but there is a chance he may say yes.

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