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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

631 replies

cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:28

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

OP posts:
Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 16:43

Wow. A pretty unanimous response to my OP!

Beforeandafter, I will have a look at all the threads you mentioned. I'm normally a lurker but haven't spent much time in the relationship section.

Gah, it seems so obvious that this could be a possibility now. He had taken the laptop away with him and the history has been cleared. And a few weeks ago his phone had a pass code set up on it, when normally it doesn't - I look at his phone often, because we both take lots of photos of the kids on our phones.

I suppose in a way, if there is another woman, it would almost help me. I can't bear the thought that he would rather be on his own than live with me and our lovely lovely kids. And anger would be easier to feel than absolute heart wrenching sadness.

On the bright side, since he's told me I've lost the half a stone ive been trying to get rid of for 2 years, so every cloud eh? Hmm

OP posts:
RabidEchidna · 28/03/2012 16:48

Adds name to other women pile

fiventhree · 28/03/2012 16:51

I think OW too.

Mine didnt leave, but did have the 'not in love with you' patter, and denied OW till he was blue in the face.

Of course, there was, and plenty of them.

Jux · 28/03/2012 16:52

I'm so sorry this has happened, just when you were getting to the end of the tunnel.

I'm also sorry that I'm in agreement with all the others. This isn't a quick decision on his part, and there is definitely some sort of catalyst which sparked it.

Good luck.

redrubyshoes · 28/03/2012 16:54

It is almost exactly what my ex-h did - he had another woman and had been seeing her for months.

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 17:13

Aha! Have find my iPhone app which is now tracking his phone. He has said he is staying at his mothers tonight, 2.5 hours away. We will see.

Have also just found a receipt backing up his story that he was at his friends Monday night though.

This thread and my snooping is keeping my mind busy, so that's a good thing. If he isn't where he says he is tonight, I have black bags at the ready.

OP posts:
stillstanding · 28/03/2012 17:15

So sorry to hear what you're going through, OP Sad Sad Sad

KatieScarlett2833 · 28/03/2012 17:25

Phone history being wiped and laptop cookies deleted are another clue.

I'm so, so sorry OP.

fiventhree · 28/03/2012 19:25

It is another clue.

By the way, what app is that?

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 28/03/2012 19:30

Shit! But you sound as if you are tough and strong.

I'm with the OW camp tooSad

Good luck with your detective work

X

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 19:51

Fiventhree, the app is called find iPhone. It's supposed to be so you can track your phone if it gets lost, but obv has its other uses..he is en route to his mothers right now.

Thought I had caught him out as he had come off the motorway, but he stopped at McDonald's! Will see where he ends up.

A live track-a-potential-git thread here....

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 28/03/2012 19:55

Entitled to is a good place to start for benefits that you will be able to claimllink here also "which?" has published a guide to divorce and splitting up link herewhich I have found very helpful..it made the most of my free 30 mins with the solicitor.

So sorry for your situation OP, I did the practical stuff to keep my mind off the emotional stuff and then when the emotions got the better of me I was at least reasonably sorted so I had a residual me for the DCs.

Sending you strength, abd no...i wouldn't beg...he's not engaged enough for it to work.

chocoraisin · 28/03/2012 19:56

hello - just wanted to lend you my support, I'm really sorry to read your posts. I think OW is likely.

FWIW my H started with the script back in october ("I don't know if I'm cut out for marriage, I need space to think about what I want/need in life") which is also when we conceived DS2 who one can only call a gift from god (failed contraception, and MAP didn't work!). He came about because I was trying to save/fight for the marriage (with sex, not a band-aid baby!!) Despite not being planned, and the repeated failure of contraception I was happy enough, H was most certainly not happy (despite being happy enough to shag me, but there you go). Come January, and my own detective work shows up OW. He started seeing her in Sept.

I only add a cautionary tale because I thought I was fighting for a marriage that was under strain due to having a young child at the time, not that I was chasing a man who had already checked out on us and cheated on us. Don't lay down anything at all for someone you don't trust. I'll be fine with my boys eventually, but I can't lie - being pregnant on top of the betrayal has been a hard path to take... It's unlikely you'd find yourself in the same situation but I just thought I'd add my voice to the 'keep your distance' chorus until you know for sure what's going on.

Life has enough curve balls already. And his actions so far speak louder than his words :( so sorry.

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 20:08

Thanks all. This thread is really helping, and giving my RL friends a rest.

He got back on the motorway, but has come off again. That is Not Good.

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 28/03/2012 20:11

Oh lord :(

You poor thing :(

My immediate thought was OW too :(

chocoraisin · 28/03/2012 20:14

whatever you find out, or don't find out tonight - you will be ok. You are the same person you were yesterday, even if you realise your H isn't. You are being very brave x

NotANaturalGeordie · 28/03/2012 20:20

So sorry, cwtchy, I think OW too.

Make sure you keep posting, there are many women here who have been through this and come out the other side - not only surviving but thriving.

xx

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 20:21

Fucking hell. He has stopped at tescos and is now stopped at a house that is nowhere near his fucking mothers.

Thanks for pointing me in the right direction all, am going to go and cry a lot and then get his stuff out of my house.

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 28/03/2012 20:23

Do you know the address? Can you track it down. It will all be grist to the mill.

Don't do anything yet. Gather evidence and get your paperwork together.

HavePatience · 28/03/2012 20:23

Does he know you have this app?

CurrySpice · 28/03/2012 20:23

And to add un-MN-y hugs to you , you poor woman :(

NotANaturalGeordie · 28/03/2012 20:24

I am so sorry. I have no advice for you but v big un mumsnet {{{hugs}}}.

Keep in touch with us, we are all here for you.

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 20:25

No havepatience, he doesn't. I've got his old iPhone with some apps under his iTunes account, so his new phone is tracked too. I put it on in case either of us lost our phones Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 20:28

What do I do now? Let everyone know what' s happening or keep quiet til i get more evidence? Although what else I need I don't know.

OP posts:
chocoraisin · 28/03/2012 20:28

try to get some more information if you can, just while you have the adrenaline of anger to keep you going. It won't last - then you can cry and throw out his stuff. Anger helps to focus your mind though, can you get hold of any of his bank statements? Or phone bills? Anything that is online or paper trail may help you to have evidence that keeps you strong, if and when he denies/gaslights you at a later date... it is a good idea to try white pages to see who lives there. If there is even an outside chance he has stopped off at a mates house (I know that may be wishful thinking but it might help you to rule that out).