Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

631 replies

cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:28

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 28/03/2012 23:23

I'm so glad you had a real-life friend coming for you tonight, cwtchy. You do sound extremely lovely and that'll be why you've got great friends!

I agree with whoever said you seem quite a bit brighter than your H, too! Emotionally and intellectually, by the looks of things... I am really sorry you're going through this. Please keep finding support and staying smart. Yes, tell whoever you want and need to tell: he's got to sort out his own mess.

Hope you've been able to get some sleep and get out of your responsibilities for tomorrow. All the best.

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 23:26

Sternface, he's been on 2 courses - 6 weeks away from home in total. This girl was on the courses. At the end of the courses he asked to swap work teams, to be with her I wonder?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 23:27

cwtchy, I don't want to say I Told You So, but we did, lovey

I know it's hard, but they wriggle out of stuff that you cannot prove

all you are left with is the questions

you have a gut feeling you are being lied to, but you are forced to go along with it

you may be a strong enough person at this point to say "Well, I don't believe you....so the onus is on you to prove me wrong" but that rarely happens

this is the father of your dc, so of course you want to believe the best in him

but the messages he is giving you are really loud and clear

he has detached from you and there is a very good reason for it...what that reason is he is not going to tell you because he wants to be the Good Guy, the Misunderstood Guy, the one Who Tried For As Long As He Could

if you want to know the truth, getting caught out like this is not going to provide it....and now he will cover all his traces you can be sure of that Sad

sternface · 28/03/2012 23:28

So what I'm getting at is - had he met her before the first course? And if so, when? I'm sure you're right about the team-swap.

clam · 28/03/2012 23:28

Forget about playing nice. He's lying through his teeth, therefore so can you. You don't have the "findmyiphone" app, and you never have had. Repeat until it becomes a truth.
Although you don't have to justify yourself to him anymore.

Nyac · 28/03/2012 23:28

Do people normally have leaving dos at someone's house? I've always gone to the pub.

Sorry he's treating you like this cwtchy.

AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 23:29

you have still done nothing wrong though

just wanted to make that crystal clear

BeforeAndAfter · 28/03/2012 23:29

I'm so so sorry that you have found a name but it's better to know than have that niggling doubt so I?m glad 192 gave you a name. You may find that when you look back over the recent past things start to fall into place with when he started detaching etc. He may even have had guilty moments and become all attentive and passionate with you for a couple of days and you might identify that pattern too.

Try not to make him suspect/tell him that you have used the i-phone app. Even if you're telling yourself that you don't need it, that you know all you need to know now, it could really help you in the next couple of weeks.

I was demented when I found out and totally irrational - incredibly angry, a vile black anger and I had the most over-whelming feelings of wanting to unleash pure violence against OW. It was quite extraordinary. But being able to check when he had left the house and where he'd been really helped me - especially when I'd been at work all day. Even though I knew the answer as to where he been, being able to check somehow reassured me. It didn't prolong the agony, it didn't torture me, if anything it galvanised me and strengthened me. So for now, think twice about telling him about the app or even giving him a clue about it.

calzone · 28/03/2012 23:35

Aargh! You peaked too soon and now you have been rumbled!

Not that you have done anything wrong!

I so admire how you tracked him down the motorway so am a bit disappointed we cannot now use the App.

Stay strong cwtchy. You sound fab!!

Rhinosaurus · 28/03/2012 23:37

Why do these cheating twat do it? Do they think they are so smart that nobody will suspect anything? Keeping options open? Not wanting people to think bad of them?

What a fucking arsehole.

By the way, if I had come on earlier could have warned you, the find iPhone app sends a text to the iPhone to say its been activated. Brilliant idea if it has been stolen, NOT!

Turniphead1 · 28/03/2012 23:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

sternface · 28/03/2012 23:40

The trouble is that from the point the OP texted him to say she was on to him, he's had an hour or so to cook up some ludicrous story and will have a Plan B if that fails i.e. a 'legitimate' reason to be at the woman's house. He'll turn this back on to the OP for being paranoid and jealous, I've got no doubt. Wanker.

BeforeAndAfter · 28/03/2012 23:41

Oh fuck. A lot has happened while I typed that last message. So no app and lot of time for him to prepare his excuses.

Tomorrow he will be squirming and he may well start to sound plausible so be wary of that one.

Saffy once told me that I was on a rollercoaster and I should just ride it and it was bloody good advice. You are going to be on that rollercoaster over the next few days and weeks but we'll all be here to help you deal with the highs and lows. The highs are as incredible as the lows are bad but keep your head screwed on and keep posting and you WILL get through this. Try and get some sleep - easier said than done.

sternface · 28/03/2012 23:42

If I were the OP, I'd be all over his phone and prize it from him when he's asleep. I doubt she'll get any sleep however Sad

Rhinosaurus · 28/03/2012 23:45

I bet he will "need some space" time to shag around without the hassle off the missis and this incident will prove exactly why he had to leave, to get away from the paranoid dw work out his next move and lies so he can make sure he doesn't come out of it as the cheating shitbag that he is

I would be very careful he isn't doing this to screw you financially, squirrelling away money while you are oblivious to his intentions.

garlicbutter · 28/03/2012 23:46

Just to repeat what oikopolis said upthread:

i think the confluence of

"i don't love you anymore"
"it's the end of our marriage"
"i'm doing a course"
"i'm just going to mum's"
"ok i just went to a leaving party"
and
"ok i just went to a leaving party hosted by a girl from the course"

...is a bit much really. he's got to think you'll clutch at straws rather than think the worst of him. and that's quite horrid of him really.

....

Honestly, cwtch, if he were going to a leaving party he would have said "I'm going to a leaving party", wouldn't he?

If he weren't fibbing, he wouldn't have disabled the app.

...

"I really needed to talk to a friend about my confused feelings re our marriage. We're close, but not in that way. I knew you'd go mad if I told you, so I lied. I'm sorry but I never thought you'd spy on me! I can't trust you any more!"

FGS, don't get into the 'trust' battle. I did and it wasn't pretty. There are no tables to turn - he's done wrong, you haven't. Also, he's a wimp and underestimates your intelligence.

Cry on that friend. Take care of yourself.

Cashncarry · 28/03/2012 23:46

Oh cwtchy - I've just read this thread from start to finish Sad what a horrible turn of events. He sounds like a prize arsehole and if karma's anything to go by, his decision to turn both of your lives (and your kids' lives) upside down for the sake of a cheap thrill is going to come back and bite him in the arse.

I'd second all the advice on this thread about knowing your facts and checking out where you stand legally. No matter what happens from now on, protect yourself first and foremost. Have discussions about his lies and this other woman for sure but make sure you draw up checklists with regard to legal/financial/contact stuff to discuss away from all the emotional stuff. Apart from anything else, he will see that his decision has consequences and you don't sound like the type of girl who'd allow an idiot and his "needs" to dictate to you how you should plan your future.

Don't forget to look after yourself - have you eaten? Is your RL friend around - do you need to organise people to do drop off and pick ups for a while so that you can organise things, make appointments to see solicitor/CAB etc. Use the time before you see him to think about what you want - with or without him. Be kind to yourself and don't let this bastard get you down xx

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 23:47

I know, I've cocked it up! Should have kept quiet but the anger got the better of me.

He'll have a pass code on the phone from now on, no doubt. I'm going to ask him tomorrow to show me which team he has been moved to, and I want to see a message informing him of the existence of this "party". But that's all by the by now, I've made my mind up really.

OP posts:
Rhinosaurus · 28/03/2012 23:48

He won't show you, he will play the trust/invasion of privacy/I've deleted it card.

Turniphead1 · 28/03/2012 23:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

sternface · 28/03/2012 23:53

Sorry I've just realised he isn't coming home tonight, so no chance to get at the phone. Does he have phone bills you can access?

And sorry to press this, but it is relevant, when's the first time he could have possibly met this woman? How long ago and where?

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 23:53

I know Rhino, im probably never going to find out now.

No turnip I haven't. I've found her on Facebook and she looks fairly similar to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 23:56

Stern, Im not sure, they both work for the same organisation but joined a new section towards the end of last year. I think the first time they got together was about then.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 23:56

cwtchy, who could blame you for not keeping quiet

and you sound wonderful and lovely, and he is a very stupid man

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 23:56

I mean got together as in all met each other, I'm not jumping to that big a conclusion!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread