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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

631 replies

cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:28

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

OP posts:
Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 22:16

192 has given me the name. It's a girl from his course at work.

OP posts:
HavePatience · 28/03/2012 22:18

:(

lifechanger · 28/03/2012 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotANaturalGeordie · 28/03/2012 22:21

He's a wanker.

NotANaturalGeordie · 28/03/2012 22:21

How are you?

fuckwittery · 28/03/2012 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotANaturalGeordie · 28/03/2012 22:23

Don't call him, he'll try to bluff you. Or turn on you in the 'why are you spying on me' line.

Take some time, acclimatise to the shock before you do ANYTHING.

xx

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 22:23

I've left a message on his phone, just saying I know where, and who, he's with.

I'll be ok tonight, the anger is keeping me going. One of my friends is coming down, bless her.

OP posts:
NotANaturalGeordie · 28/03/2012 22:23

Oh fuck, DD2 crying, have to go.

{{hugs}}

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/03/2012 22:24

Sad so sorry - at least you now know what he is up to. Bastard.

Hope you are telling your RL friends.

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/03/2012 22:25

Crossposted - so pleased your friend is coming down.

LiarsWife · 28/03/2012 22:25

God I am sorry xx

ifeelloved · 28/03/2012 22:28

Oh shit. I have to say when you said about a course I immediately thought ow too, wish I was wrong.

Some people on here with excellent advice, make sure you eat and look out for yourself and your children

mywashingmachineneverstops · 28/03/2012 22:29

Oh poor you, cwtchy. I am really sorry. The finding out moment is the pits. I know it is difficult, but take strength from the fact you are finding out the truth now and are no longer ignorant about his lies. I know it is small consolation right now however.

AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 22:30

That isn't looking good at all Sad

Why do they do it ? These "family" men who never go anywhere but home and work. They manage it though.

oikopolis · 28/03/2012 22:31

i've been reading your thread hoping you would need no consolation. Sad

i'm so sorry it has come to this. you poor thing. no-one deserves such a thing, let alone someone as lovely-sounding as you x

AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 22:32

isn't she, oiko ?

oikopolis · 28/03/2012 22:33

please OP, gird your loins for him trying to make this about you "invading his privacy" by checking where he was. please don't let him foist that one on you.

if you hadn't checked on him, he would have continued to play this game, and if he hasn't done it already, he would have had sex with her and placed your health at risk without your knowledge. these things have to come out somehow, for the good of everyone.

again i am just so sorry

amillionyears · 28/03/2012 22:34

So sorry.

oikopolis · 28/03/2012 22:34

AF Sad glad you are here for the OP
i wish things like this only happened to horrible people. it's just unspeakably cruel.

CurrySpice · 28/03/2012 22:34

She does sound lovely and a whole whole WHOLE lot cleverer than her H.

CurrySpice · 28/03/2012 22:35

More clever?

You know what I mean!

Doha · 28/03/2012 22:38

Gather your thoughts OP you will need to be strong to deal with this. You do know that he will deny it don't you? Do not reveal how you know, do not give him any information at all.

Seek legal advice ASAP
Tell him you are divorcing him and citing her as OW.
Tell all family and friends or at least thoseclosest to you--including his family before he has the chance to manufacture and alter your history.

Tell him there is no way back from this
Get an STI check.

Look after yourself and your DC's x

TheSecondComing · 28/03/2012 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cwtchy · 28/03/2012 22:39

Ah oiko, I am expecting that, he is going to be mightily shocked I have found this out. I don't really care though! Will be telling his parents in the morning where he was.

Am Blush at my lovely sounding-ness. He'll be getting some of my loveliness up his arse when he trails back here. I'm not crying any more in front of him.

Thank you all for holding my hand, will go back to real life now but will let you know how things pan out tomorrow. Thanks

OP posts: