Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

[cwtchy]

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

take care, cwtchy and take no shit nor any blame for this

Wow cwtchy so sorry for you!

Take your time don't be pushed into doing anything you don't want to. Don't agree to anything until you know your rights. You and your DC come first. Your H can take a hike down your list of priorities. Oh and don't keep it quiet you have done nothing to be ashamed of.

Please get yourself to CAB, council, benefits, anyone you need to. Get a solicitors appointment. All the knowledge you get is power and he can't pull the wool over your eyes as to what you are entitled to.

If you do go down the divorce root I believe from reading on here you only have 6 months from discovery that you can use adultery as a reason.

Please get an STI test. You cannot believe anything he says if he said nothing happened. Enough happened that he knows where she lives and runs straight to her. Better to know you are clear than maybe worry.

He is a pretty pathetic specimen if he bails with 2 young kids within 4 years what a prize she now has.

Take care of you and your DC lean on anyone who is there and take all the support they can offer you. You are the important ones in all this.

Another thing to look for OP is the Tesco receipt to see what he bought - food for two - or condoms?

Would he have known any of the course participants beforehand? If he's only met this woman in the past 3 weeks, he must be one hell of a fuckwit romantic to think a relationship of 21 days is worth throwing his marriage away for. But I see you said that things haven't been good for a while and you'd very sensibly put that down to the stress of having opposing schedules and young children. People often find that when they look back, the relationship's downturn coincided with another woman coming on the scene, even if it wasn't an affair straight away. Is that possible?

I've come onto this thread late but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. As the others on here have already said, you sound like a lovely person, far to good for him. If he is with ow the chances are it won't last between them and he will realise what a good thing he's lost and be full of regret. Sending loads of hugs your way x

I know you probably ought to play your cards close to your chest for the time being, but it must be bloody tempting to phone him up right now - if only to spoil his shag-fest.

Sorry didn't meant to imply you had to divorce him in six months just if you wanted to and to use that reason there was a time limit.

You can divorce him whenever you like or not divorce him if you both decide to try again.

Just do what is right for you.

Ok. He has just rung me back to say he was at the motorway services, what on earth was I on about. After a bit of prodding he admitted he had dropped into a leaving party for some of the boys at work. After some more prodding he revealed that the girl in question was there. I haven't told him how I know anything.

Plausible or not? Im thinking not, but don't want to make a tit of myself here.

did you say it was the girl's address ?

i think the confluence of

"i don't love you anymore"
"it's the end of our marriage"
"i'm doing a course"
"i'm just going to mum's"
"ok i just went to a leaving party"
and
"ok i just went to a leaving party hosted by a girl from the course"

...is a bit much really. he's got to think you'll clutch at straws rather than think the worst of him. and that's quite horrid of him really.

cwtchy IMO he wants to end your marriage, but he wants to look like the "good guy" while he's doing it. i think that's the long and the short of it.

Yes AF it's her address.

Ask him whose house it was and watch him lie when he gives you a male name.

If he is forced to admit that there was no party, he will say that he had to drop some course notes to this girl's house but he didn't tell you because he 'knew you'd jump to the wrong conclusions'

The best approach in these confrontations is always to claim you know more than you do. So you tell him you've got irrefutable evidence which you will not reveal, that he is having an affair with this woman and he'd better just admit the truth once and for all and stop taking you for a fool. Ask questions and listen, but don't reveal your hand.

You are under no obigation to discuss what you know with him. You may find it helpful to play your cards close to your chest, tell him you aren't ready to talk yet, and give yourself time to regroup.

If that has the added benefit of putting him on the wrong foot, then so be it.

so he says he went to a leaving party for someone else at her address ?

hmm

Are these twats guys stupid or something? Do they really think they're being original with all this "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap?
Why can't they see they're just following the script of all the MN husbands we read about on here, who've wreaked untold pain and havoc on their wives and children.
Makes me so angry.

I've come a bit late to this thread, so sorry you're going through this OP.

Personally I think the fact he's lied about where he is indicates he's up to no good, and if he questions you on how you know say you had an anonymous phone call from someone who went into quite a lot of detail as to what he's been up to recently.

Therefore he can't play the "you invaded my privacy" card, and he also doesn't know how much you know or how, so you can keep tracking him.

I don't usually advocate lying to your partner, but in this case...

The Script is pretty much always the same, with minor variations

OP as others say, he's following a v specific script.

you can read about it here: www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

honestly if he had not started with the "i'm not in love with you" crap, his story would have been far more believable. but the fact that he played that card and then did this... the chances of him not following this script are really very slim.

Yes the script never varies does it?

It ought to be a sticky on the top of the relationships board - 'I love you but I'm not in love with you and I won't go to counselling' always means an affair. If they don't want to leave straightaway it's only because the OW is married or still living with her mum and dad.....

Oh, and sorry if someone has already mentioned this upthread, but maybe you should think about covering your own tracks a little. If he has access to your PC, start shredding your history and using inPrivate browsing.

Shit, the app isn't working anymore, I've been rumbled. Have deleted it and will deny all knowledge.

FR?

yes, and it's the wife's fault for not paying them enough attention and doting too much on the kidz

cwtchy does he work with this woman and if so, for how long?