DP just been very agressive with DS

[laurel123]

I don't know what to do, basically DP has completely lost it with DS (11) this morning. DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle .Now I know DS should not speak to me or behave like that but I think DP reaction is totally over the top. He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" if he ever spoke to me like that again. I have managed to calm things down and DS is now off to school but obviously very upset, my heart is breaking for him. I am just sitting here a bit shell shocked and very upset. I have told DP that his behaviour is totally over the top, yes I agree DS should not speak to me like this but this is all wrong. I have told DP if DS speaks to someone at school he could find himself arrested. What would you do? I need to think calmly. I am not scared of DP and he is not an aggressive normally, I know when he calms down he is going to be mortified. I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

I dont think many people will agree with me but I think that sometimes children especially those around your sons age do need a shock to get them to see they can't behave like that.

If it is the first time your dh has ever acted like that then I would let it go. Better your ds gets a warning now and sorts himself out than in a few years time begins to hit you.

I wouldn't overreact towards your DP for a start. DS's behaviour was completely unacceptable towards you and, if he's being aggressive, it needs to be nipped in the bud. Apologies and cuddles are not working. DP has obviously gone too far the other way. I think you need to work between you on what is an appropriate consequence next time DS kicks off. It isn't grabbing his neck and death threats but it can't be softly-softly either. Work it out together or he'll play you off one against the other.

He's 11 and he called you a twat? How were you planning to discipline him for this? I think violence is wrong, but I can see why your DH went ballistic. I'd talk to your DH when your son is at school and work on a strategy - maybe an apology for the violence, but other sanctions for talking to you like that, like removal of consoles. It's really not acceptable, and your son needs to know this.

Hmm, I kind of agree with magneto. I mean, yes, what your dh said does sound brutal and I would have found it hard to witness too without stepping in, but I think your ds does need a short sharp shock. Waiting for him to "finish his strop" and have a cuddle with you clearly hasn't got the message across to him that abusing his mother is out of order.
But that said, if that kind of aggression from your dp is standard practice within the house (even if not previously directed at your ds), then it might go part-way towards explaining your ds's behaviour in the first place? Just a thought...

I agree with Cogito about working about together what to do next time. You need to figure out a script or series of actions and stick to it. It should stop the situation repeatedly degrading into lost tempers and shouting.

Perhaps your DP or both you and he should sit down with your son today and talk. Your DP should apologise and so should DS for the way he behaved- that way your DS sees there are no double standards and that everyone is acknowledging that there is an acceptable way to talk to others. He needs to hear that while what was said to him was wrong, so is the way he talks to you and that needs to change.

Thanks for your comments, not quite what I expected. I think DS is really pushing the boundaries and I do punish him by removing consoles, grounding etc, I did not mean to come across as a a push over. I am worried that he will go to pastoral today and wonder how to handle that. Agent I agree DS was totally disrepectful but he was off to school in 10 minutes so I was planning to deal with him later, it would have not gone unpunished he really needs to brought down a peg or 2 I know. Bur sending a sobbing chold to school is probably not the best idea.

got to agree with the others on this one

i dont agree with the violence but it may have been the shock your son needed not to do this again

Pushing boundaries should not equal violence. It is horrible to live with, violence or the threat of violence.
Would your dp react like that if another adult called you a twat.
Obviously your ds is wrong but he can be dealt with in other ways, privileges removed etc...

A grown man threatened to beat an 11 year old to death and that's 'the shock he might need'? Really?

Where has DS learned this aggressive behaviour - from your DP?

I doubt he was sobbing for too long.

Maybe the short sharp shock is what is needed before he develops into a teen with an attitude and no respect.

I can honestly say, if I had called either of my parents a twat, I would have have a bloody hard smack, and I would also have known I deserved it.

Wow, that's bad. Its not often I'm really harsh in these kind of posts, but your DS is 11 (and what, 5 foot tall, weighs 7 or 8 stone at most?) and your DP is what, 6 foot, weighs almost twice that??

Imagine yourself in the position of your son - with someone a foot taller and weighing half as much again or more - how sick with fear do you think he's feeling right now?

Is your DP your DS's dad? and if not how long has he lived with you and have your settled down as a family?

We can't just pass judgment on here as all the background is relevant but my initial reaction is that I'd have been packing DPs bags, personally.

I disagree quite strongly with other posters. I think what your DP did was completely and utterly unacceptable. Yes, your DS was being rude and out of order, but your DP acted not in a calm and measured way to discipline him- he lost his temper and acted violently. This bit: "he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" just chilled me.

If a woman came on here and said her DP had acted like that towards her, there'd be loads of cries of 'leave the bastard'. Quite rightly, IMO.

Your DP is the adult here. He needs to show that he is in control- starting with being in control of himself. Otherwise all he teaches your DS is that it's ok to lose your temper and act violently if you are 'provoked'.

I would be having very serious words with your DP. I would expect an unreserved apology towards your DS and I would be telling him that if he EVER spoke or acted like that again, he'd have to leave.

There has been many thread on here about 11/12 yr olds pushing the boundaries I beleive it is the norm, it can be very challenging, like I have said DS and I are very close and he actually very sorry when he calms down and will accept that he has done wrong. And he is IS punished by me, I am stuggling not to be extremely upset by DP behaviour this morning.

bit like the beaten up woman who provokes her man right?
sorri no excuse.
your h was totally out of order.
there are other ways tor eact.
showing him violence is the way to act is wrong.

if your h recognizes this was totally one off and he comes to you with other strategies for next time then maybe you can move forward...

"not agressive normally" - so is he sometimes?

X-posted with a few. Glad to see I'm not the only one who finds it unacceptable.

I am stuggling not to be extremely upset by DP behaviour this morning.

Why struggle? You should be upset! He manhandled your son and threatened to kill him.

squeky he was not sobbing for effect he was very frightened,

Yes DP is DS father and we have been tog 18years

you know what ? i woudl tell h - you dont comehome to night you need to stay way until you consider exactly what you did and said.
that he threatened to kill his own child - over what??

thretening to tak away nintendo or pocket money - fine -

"i will beat you to death" ???

wake up.

this man is a tosser.

he stays away and really thinks and makes sure he does not make threats he wont keep (or maybe he will??)

I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

"DP, this morning you pushed DS around, grabbed him by the neck and screamed in is face, and threatened to kill him. That behaviour is unacceptable. Simply unacceptable. I need you to apologise to DS, and explain to him that aggression, swearing and violence are NEVER the answer - not from him, and not from you, and that you were wrong to act as you did."

And if he can't do that, you'll know what kind of man he really is.

Squeaky, I would have got a smack too, but they wouldn't have threatened to beat me to death!

So I tend to agree that a short sharp shock(and not necessarily a smack of course, could have been a choicely worded talking to) is acceptable, but I think your DH was ott with the "beating to death" thing.

I don't think that your Dp's response was a reasonable one. What does that teach your son? Whoever's biggest and scariest should be listened to? It's ok to threaten people when they behave in ways you don't like? I'm shocked that people think it is anything but really disturbing that a grown man would threaten to beat an 11 year old to death. i'm sorry OP, I think your initial reaction is the correct one. Your son shouldn't be calling you a twat (obviously) but your dp's reaction is totally disproportionate and inappropriate.

I don't think that your Dp's response was a reasonable one. What does that teach your son? Whoever's biggest and scariest should be listened to? It's ok to threaten people when they behave in ways you don't like?

This is why I think there's a strong chance that DS may be learning his sweary and aggressive behaviour from OP's DP.

Gosh! I'm quite surprised by the responses here. If I was in your shoes and my DH did that to any of our children he would be out of the door until I knew that I could trust him to never do it again.

My children and their safety and mental health come way before anything or anyone else.

A parent telling their 11 yr old son they will take them down to the bottom of the garden and BEAT THEM TO DEATH whilst grabbing him, pushing him around and grabbing his neck, is way way over the top, and no doubt terrifying for a child of eleven regardless of what he was doing.

Most kids acting out this way secretly want boundaries and reassurance not violent threats to kill from the people who should be guiding them on how to become good people as they grow up and go out into the world as responsible adults.

I think I would actually call school and tell them what happened this morning myself. Explain you do no warrant your husband's reaction and ask if they can confirm that DS has come into school ok.

You say your DS was being aggressive towards you, do you mean verbally or physically?