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Original poster

DP just been very agressive with DS

329 replies

laurel123 · 20/03/2012 08:44

I don't know what to do, basically DP has completely lost it with DS (11) this morning. DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle .Now I know DS should not speak to me or behave like that but I think DP reaction is totally over the top. He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" Shock if he ever spoke to me like that again. I have managed to calm things down and DS is now off to school but obviously very upset, my heart is breaking for him. I am just sitting here a bit shell shocked and very upset. I have told DP that his behaviour is totally over the top, yes I agree DS should not speak to me like this but this is all wrong. I have told DP if DS speaks to someone at school he could find himself arrested. What would you do? I need to think calmly. I am not scared of DP and he is not an aggressive normally, I know when he calms down he is going to be mortified. I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

OP posts:
Kayzr · 20/03/2012 10:03

I am shocked that it might be the shock he needs.

Your 'D'P has just assaulted your son. If my DP did anything like that he would be out of my house and would never set foot near me or my son again.

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 10:07

soryy but i totally disagree with those saying it might be a shock he needs to settle down.

sorry no!! would you tell a woman coming on here after her partner said that to her that she shouldn't have called him a twat and it is the shock she needs to learn to respect him?

double fucking standards if ever i saw them.

this is an 11 year old child. children push boundaries constantly. reacting with threats of violence is not reinforcing a boundary it's scaring the shit of a child so that they are now living in fear in their own home, afraid to do anything incase it is the wrong thing. children learn respect by seeing it modelled by the adults around them, pushing anyone about, grabbing them by the neck and threatening to kill them is not, in anyone's book, respectful.

imnotmymum · 20/03/2012 10:08

I think perhaps the terms he used were unreasonable-threaten to kill him-but when we cross we all say things we should not. The child who is 11 was so disrespectful to you and it has obviously happened before and he should learn that saying sorry and a cuddle does not make things OK. You are his Mother.

cestlavielife · 20/03/2012 10:10

explain how you were trying to "get him ready" for school - surely he gets himself ready?
was it like in my house "come on come on get ready you going to be late" etc?
and he said mum stop being a twat?

or what?

do you have other DC. ?

why do you say "i am not scared of dp" ? it is odd thing to say.... DS is scared but you are not???
you should be scared he can assault you ds like this .... whether this is totally out of the blue or actually part of a pattern...

Bucharest · 20/03/2012 10:11

Your dp was of course totally wrong.....and it's hardly surprising your son is treating you like shit on his shoe if that's the message he gets from from his father.

That said, why on earth are you "getting him ready for school" at 11?

Two wrongs don't make a right - so yes,take your partner to task for his vile behaviour, and take your son to task for his. He is old enugh to know better. They both are.Not wishing to defend your partnerbut could it possibly be he recognises your son is actually 11 and not 3? Because the way you talk about him it seems you are treating him (and his behaviour) as if he still were.

Sarcalogos · 20/03/2012 10:13

Imnotmymum.

Saying sorry and a cuddle (if genuine remorse is being felt) DOES make things ok, precisely because she is his mother.

Everyone needs a source of unconditional love, to feel secure.

Your DS needs to be taught that calling you (or anyone else) a twat is wholly unacceptable but violence towards him is not the answer.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2012 10:16

Your son should have not called you a twat granted but your partner completely overreacted here and made this whole thing 1000 times worse. Your man should be brought to account swiftly by you and your son needs to be protected from his dad. You are the one person there who can protect your son. Your boy must have been scared witless.

If your son tells a teacher (and my guess is that he will not but I wish to goodness he would because he is no doubt still upset) you could at the very least expect a phone call from the school.

Would your man have acted the same to anyone in the street; I daresay not.

imnotmymum · 20/03/2012 10:18

I was just pointing out that at that age he cannot expect to act how he wants towards people as long as he says sorry, the behaviour should not be happening at that age he is not a toddler. If he goes to school and speaks to an adult/child like that is it OK if he says sorry. I think he needs a wake up call and realise he not a baby anymore !!

Original poster
laurel123 · 20/03/2012 10:19

Cest I did not hear DS call me a twat, DP did said he was muttering it under his breathe, I was geeing DS getting things together, he had tripped down the stairs earlier and was just being very moody and rude towards me. I am Shock that some people think that DP behaviour would teach DS a lesson. Yes DS being very rude but all in all he is a good boy. This really bad, not sure what to do. DS is very sensitve and I would be not suprised if he spoke to someone @ school, need to be prepared for that. Not sure what to do for the best right now

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 20/03/2012 10:21

Not sure what to do for the best right now

Well, what do you want to do?
You've had plenty of suggestions upthread. What does your own gut say?

DowagersHump · 20/03/2012 10:23

I am really shocked that anyone thinks the way your partner has behaved is acceptable. It's not.

I don't care what your DS was doing, an adult does not assault a child and threaten to beat him to death.

I would tell your partner to sod off at least overnight - your DS needs to see that you have a zero tolerance policy on abusive behaviour.

I'm confused that you said your DS was aggressive in your OP and now you say he was muttering twat under his breath. That doesn't sound very aggressive to me

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 10:23

it wont have taught him any lesson other than to mutter more quietly. he'll still be thinking his parents are twats. especially his dad after this morning.

imnotmymum · 20/03/2012 10:25

I do not think you have to do anything really. It is life and between Dad and Son maybe they have a talk later really think all will be forgotten by tea time. What do you think you should be doing ?? Why is it really bad, OK they got physical but no blows?? Trust me worst explosions will happen as they get older !!!

Original poster
laurel123 · 20/03/2012 10:27

OK seeing him off to school, listen he had made his own packed lunch, got his books tog etc, just doing my normal checking he had everything and making breakfast. sarcologos you hit the nail on the head, I do not let him get away with rude behaviuor and he is punished but the end of the day when he truely says he is sorry of course I cuddle and tell him I love him. I don't care is he is 3 or 33 I will always be there for a cuddle. imno have you parented teenagers?

OP posts:
janelikesjam · 20/03/2012 10:28

I think we can all say awful things to our children in heat of the moment. But offering a beating to death is very strange thing to say. I think your husband needs to seriously reflect on that Sad. Sorry for your son Sad though I know how difficult pushing boundaries/bad language can be to deal with for parents now.

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 20/03/2012 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 20/03/2012 10:28

take a clear stand on this.
or i will happen again and next time could be worse.

dont let DP get away with it.

muttering under breath is quite (normal tweenage behaviour and) different from "being agressive".

i merited - a calm but firm voice - "you dont talk about your mother like that" . not a beating to death threat and an assault.

tell DP he is not to come home tonight - that you are too shocked at what happened and need space.

that he can stay with a friend go to hotel whatever. and he can come back for toiletries either. he can go to Boots and buy some.

you need time to talk to DS, explain what DP did was wrong.

tell him what hotdam said earlier
""DP, this morning you pushed DS around, grabbed him by the neck and screamed in is face, and threatened to kill him. That behaviour is unacceptable. Simply unacceptable. I need you to apologise to DS, and explain to him that aggression, swearing and violence are NEVER the answer - not from him, and not from you, and that you were wrong to act as you did."
"

Kayzr · 20/03/2012 10:30

Imnot I think you are talking rubbish. My dad never ever did anything like that with my brother. Neither did DPs dad or probably 99% of my male friends dads.

olgaga · 20/03/2012 10:31

I'm amazed at some of the responses here.

He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" if he ever spoke to me like that again.

That is brutal, inexcusable behaviour. What an example to set your DS. I hope he does go to "pastoral" and your violent bully of a partner is arrested for assault, because that's what it was.

Is he your DS's dad? I'd be worried if I were you. If your boy is 11 there will be a damn sight more challenging behaviour than this to come. Now he has been shown it's OK to use violence and threats, and if you're not careful a pattern will develop.

If anyone treated my child like that I don't think I could forgive or forget.

garlicbutter · 20/03/2012 10:32

DS muttered it under his breath?

DP's reaction was way, way over the top. I'm shocked by your replies saying otherwise.

To put this in context, threatening to kill is a criminal offence punishable by imprisonment. The only criterion is that the victim believes their life is endangered. I should imagine a child being grasped, yelled at it their face and threatened with fatal beating, by the grown man they respect most in the world, would be quite likely to feel genuinely endangered.

What the hell prompted this? You say DP isn't normally aggressive. Is that true? Has his behaviour suddenly changed in other ways?

DS needs an unreserved apology from DP, preferably at the school gate. You can ask DS to apologise for disrespecting you, but he must be told his dad's reaction was unreasonable.

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 10:34

imnot a child was threatened with being beaten to death. is that normal parenting langage where you come from? Confused

OP you do need to make this clear to your son that you will not tolerate him being abused by anyone.

you also need to make it clear to him that you are to be respected in your own home and his language is not acceptable

your DP needs to seek advice about his temper and how to parent properly. he wouldn't be back in my home with my dcs until he had taken steps to prevent this ever happening again.

did he show signs of this agression before. i cant imagine a non agressive person suddenly threatening to beat his son to death or pushing him round the house.

Blu · 20/03/2012 10:36

Complicated.
I am outraged on your behalf that an 11 yo boy calls you a twat - if my almost 11 yo did that we wouldn't be waiting for him to calm down - the immediate repsonse to that sort of thing needs to be a calm, steely and assertive 'you will not speak to me like that', and sanctions. Immediately.

I am outraged that your DP then put his hands around the boys throat and behaved so aggressivley.

The whole dynamic sounds a bit messed up. Son speaks to mother in an utterley disresepctful and contemptuous way, father erupts with anger on behalf of mother, making it a 'man thing' and based on exchanges of contempt and aggression. Where is YOUR power and voice?

You and your DP need to act as a parenting team, together. Both agree a strategy, which should be calm, assertive and consistent, and you both stick together on that, Becuase at the moment, as well as being violent and setting a bad example, your DP is teaching your DS that women need protecting by aggressive men.

These things happen, 11 year olds are growing and I am aware that parenting that worked when DS was 7 now needs adjusting. But with teen years looming, you and your DP need to discuss it and come up with a joint plan.

FirstLastEverything · 20/03/2012 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milkysmum · 20/03/2012 10:40

wtf. DH said he would 'beat him to death' and we are discussing Ds behaviour! What a horrible cruel thing to say to an 11 year old no matter what he did (which was terrible). How could anyone say such a thing to a child.

imnotmymum · 20/03/2012 10:40

Yes I said it was the wrong thing to say and no this is not usual parenting "where i come from" but it was just words I believe there would be no, no , no way he would seriously beat him to death!!! [Unless OP you are keeping something from us ?] And for the record my DH never physically touched our boy but they had plenty of hairdryer treatment !! Think this was a one off and an apology and a realisation that it was out of order is enough, jeesh have you spoken to DP bet he is as horrified at his behaviour