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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP just been very agressive with DS

329 replies

laurel123 · 20/03/2012 08:44

I don't know what to do, basically DP has completely lost it with DS (11) this morning. DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle .Now I know DS should not speak to me or behave like that but I think DP reaction is totally over the top. He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" Shock if he ever spoke to me like that again. I have managed to calm things down and DS is now off to school but obviously very upset, my heart is breaking for him. I am just sitting here a bit shell shocked and very upset. I have told DP that his behaviour is totally over the top, yes I agree DS should not speak to me like this but this is all wrong. I have told DP if DS speaks to someone at school he could find himself arrested. What would you do? I need to think calmly. I am not scared of DP and he is not an aggressive normally, I know when he calms down he is going to be mortified. I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

OP posts:
Vicky2011 · 20/03/2012 11:17

Really shocked by some of the responses to this. Yes DS was out of order but his father threatening to kill him in such a precise, considered way? Sinister. I hope your boy does speak to a teacher about it as this needs logging.

Original poster
laurel123 · 20/03/2012 11:26

DS started Secondary school in September and I have noticed a change in his behaviour as I have said before he can be very annoying but I am not unduly worried and wish people would stop trying to make him out to be this out of control demon. Having parented DS1 who is now 21 I can see the signs of the hormones kicking in. My issue is with my DP and I do not think it anywhere near acceptable and I am very Shock @ some posters reactions. I want DP to apologise to DS and serious reassurance that he will not behave this way again and us to agree a plan to deal with future outbursts as a united front. If DP comes homes and tries to justify his actions, he will find his belongings in the garden

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 20/03/2012 11:27

I want DP to apologise to DS and serious reassurance that he will not behave this way again and us to agree a plan to deal with future outbursts as a united front. If DP comes homes and tries to justify his actions, he will find his belongings in the garden

Sounds like a plan.

garlicbutter · 20/03/2012 11:28

Good for you, Laurel. Hope DP also sees the enormity of what he did. All the best for this evening.

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 11:42

i totally agree with you OP. i think you are doing the right thing.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 20/03/2012 11:42

The fact that 'you wouldn't do this to another adult' just seems an irrelevant argument to me. Yes violence towards a child is worse, that is not the point! We provide a child with a loving home, take them on holiday, bath them, we are responsible for their welfare, weteach them right from wrong. It is ludicrous to suggest we treat them like any other person on the planet!

I am not saying it is ok to be aggressive!

I think your last post sounds very sensible laurel.

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 11:51

"It is ludicrous to suggest we treat them like any other person on the planet!"

the point people are making is that jsut because you are their parent doesn't mean you should treat them with any less respect or humanity than any other person. your status as their parent doesn't not negate their rights as a human.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 20/03/2012 11:56

Absolutely agree, Booy. But I don't think they make it all that well! We do want to earn our children's respect and we use sanctions to enforce boundaries. This is not a normal relationship in other areas of life, can only think of boss/employee relationship or law enforcement as having some parallels.

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 12:13

yes i understand your point. it is a totally incomparable relationship and i do get why you are saying "we dont remove games consoles from other adults", but we respect them as people, we respect their rights not to be yelled at or pushed around or threatened. (which is what i was talking about when i said about double standards) disciplining your child is absoloutely your duty as a parent but i dont think violence or aggression or threats should ever be a part of that, regardless of teh fact you are their parent. being a parent doesn not give anyone i right to abuse, it gives them a duty to protect.

garlicbutter · 20/03/2012 12:14

violence towards a child is worse, that is not the point!

But it is the point, LieIns Confused

I get that you're taking issue with the whole "Would you do it to a stranger?" approach, but feel you're splitting hairs. Basically, whatever you could do to an adult is worse when done to a child.

No situation could put me in the position of confiscating next-door's xbox or grounding him for the weekend, so that's irrelevant Grin On the other hand, I might call him a cunt if he really pissed me off. That would be bad. And it would be worse if I did it his 11-year-old child.

RabidEchidna · 20/03/2012 12:15

I have an 11 year old and he would never speak to me in such a manner, I think it is your child you need to be speaking to not you DP, YOUR CHILD IS THE ONE IN THE WRONG

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 12:19

rabid do you think it is acceptable to grab a child, push the child and threaten to kill them?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2012 12:20

Rabid

Have you actually read the OPs initial post?.

DinahMoHum · 20/03/2012 12:22

your dp went over the top, but hopefully your son will now stop, because obviously whatever you were doing is not working.
Better he gets a fright now and stops, than is beating you up in a couple of years time like my brother did to my mum. Your son has no respect for you at all, and rather than pandering to him and making your dp apologise, you need to get a bit of self respect and talk to your dp so that youre both coming from the same page.
It sounds like your son is playing you off against each other and thats a dodgy path to go down with an adolescent. It could make your life a misery

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 20/03/2012 12:23

Yes garlic, it's the point of the thread, not the point I was trying to make. OK, so it's splitting hairs, I just find it a bit irritating, especially when my own dc 'tell me off'!

Lueji · 20/03/2012 12:28

TBH, I'd seriously consider whether I wanted to stay with DP and would let him know this.

Any other such behaviour would result in me leaving the house with DS.

Your DP does need to show regret and apologise thoroughly.

(what the hell, I apologise to my son when I am in a bad temper and lose it a bit - nothing remotely similar to this - and he is a well behaved boy)

Calling mum a twat under his breath is hardly a serious offence. He knows not to do it to your face and I'm sure we all had similar thoughts about our parents at some point.

I do wonder how "out of character" this really was for your DP. Hmm

FamiliesShareGerms · 20/03/2012 12:29

Laurel, your last post sounds like a good plan.

And remember, both your DH and DS are in the wrong here, not you. Good luck.

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 12:29

is this a joke? have i walked into some alternate universe?

garlicbutter · 20/03/2012 12:29

Grin I know, LieIns, they're always one step ahead!

Original poster
laurel123 · 20/03/2012 12:31

Dinah before you make a comment perhpas you should read the whole thread, it sounds to me like you zilch experience of parenting pre/teenagers. I am getting a bit tired of people commenting about DS, on the whole he is a good boy and will/does get punished for his actions. This is about my DP's outrageous behaviour this morning.

OP posts:
ToniSoprano · 20/03/2012 12:31

I bet he doesn't call you a twat again though.

garlicbutter · 20/03/2012 12:31

Your son has no respect for you at all

Where did that come from?
Alternate universe, Booyhoo ... YY Confused

Blu · 20/03/2012 12:33

Laurel - I hope your DP is feeling horrified at his outburst and violence, and will apologise.
Whatever else was going on it was not acceptable to physically assault him or threaten to kill him.
It sounds horrible for all of you.
Can you tell him that his behaviour undermined your ability to deal with DS because rather than standing alongside him making it clear that calling people a twat isn't OK, you are having to stand against him and tell DS that his father had no right to assault him.

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 12:34

it was WRT the comments from rabid and dinah.

toni he'll just call his dad a twat now, but he'll do it quiet enough so as not to be heard. hardly lesson learned.

imnotmymum · 20/03/2012 12:34

Well Laurel I may suggest that you do not post on here and expect all to agree with you. If you tired of people saying about son then sorry but you know we all have differing views and it seems that no matter what son does you will justify his behaviour but not partners. Do not wish to be rude and would out a smily but cannot get it to work !!